Invader!

This is GIR.

He is the pet/assistant to Space Invader Zim, a short-lived cartoon character with his own series on Y-TV or Teletoon or something. For Christmas my brother gave me DVD copies of all the episodes. I love it. I highly suggest everyone check out this cartoon. It's ridiculously funny and cute. Basically, Zim is an alien who is nothing but a pain the butt to his commanders whose goal is to take over the universe through a plan called "Operation Doom 2" where they send soldiers out to planets to spy. They send Zim off to nowhere in space hoping he will get lost forever, but instead he lands on earth and gets straight to work gathering intelligence and plotting to take over. On earth Zim encounters a super-nerd by the name of Dib who consistently foils his plans. Zim's intelligence is ridiculously low but his ambition is recklessly high. GIR is kinda like Kenny from Southpark but he does all kinds of weird random stuff. Dib is overly ambitious and smart and no one takes him seriously. It's too funny.

This is Zim.








This is Dib.

wasting time

As my departure date nears I am getting less and less done and worrying about it more and more...last night I finally went out drinking with Q and all that crowd. It was a GREAT time, I'm so glad I went. ...but I ended up getting hardly any grading done the today because of it. It's really hanging over my head. Each day it's not done is another day I'm not spending working on my thesis...and since I'm also still struggling with programming this study that I wanted to run in SEPTEMBER, I'm feeling very annoyed. Grr.....tonight, more work. Tommorrow, more work....

Also feeling guilty because I didn't call my step-brother on his birthday. I was in town, I thought about it all day and just didnt' feel like calling. I'm terrible. It was on the 28th and I still haven't called...horrible. Sigh.

On the slightly interesting side, the guy I made out with last year, just before I met the Firefighter, Ernie was at the bar last night. I was still totally attracted to him, but not particularly sad that he had a girl with him...I mean he does live in a totally different city. But still, watching him dance in his chair to fun 90s music made me wish I would have stayed in touch with him. I got the feeling he didn't think about me one way or the other, so whatever...

Tommorrow I will have to come up with resolutions. Blah.

Stumblin along

Sometimes I feel trapped by the weight of what I SHOULD do. I wonder if maybe I am depressed like my mother. I don't think I am, but I've felt so crappy for what seems like so long....hope not. I just wonder how other people handle it, that feeling of responsibility: to call friends and to visit with family and to do work.

I'm good at work, but bad at phoning...though I guess I tend to take all the responsibility. Still...I guess because my visit home is more than half over I'm starting to feel the pressure to fit in as much as possible. Unfortunately, because this Timbuctoo thing didn't get resolved, I've been preoccupied and not as productive as I'd hoped. Well, Timbuctoo and blood sugars, really. I almost am looking forward to going home so I can go back to my little world of work-comes-first.

I'm really not this obsessive. ...I guess I just need something.

like water

I feel it, ebbing like a weak tide driven by time and not the moon. But still...

I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

- One Thing by Finger Eleven

Open Letter #2: Long Way Down

This is an open letter to my mom.

Dear Mom,

every time my mind wanders to you I have a rush of feelings, guilt, despair, anger, frustration. I want so desperately for you to be the woman I know you can be, but every day I fail you. Ever interaction we have I want to scream at you to stop being afraid, to stop wasting your time (we have so little), to step up and choose something, anything. I just want you to make a choice, even if it is the wrong one in the end. I die a little inside everytime I hear you defer to someone else. It's your life. Why can't you see that you have as much right to live as everyone else? Why can't you see that you are as capable as everyone else.

I am so weak. I want you to be happy, and I think that I know what will make you happy. But I always go about everything the wrong way. I try to tell you how to change your home and your appearance and your thinking and your social interactions. I'm too weak to hep you come up with a plan you can follow. Too weak to apologize when I'm too hard on you. Too weak to see when I'm wrong.

I love you so much it makes me want to cry. But I there are so many times that I have hated you for making me feel so helpless. I ask myself why you have to be this way and feel embarrassed for you and for me. I feel how much you love me every time you call and I hate that I feel annoyed when you call. I hate that I am so self-centred that I don't listen aptly to your boring stories about flowers. I hate myself for not telling you I love those awful leg warmers and that they are exactly what I wanted.

In truth, I know that I pick on you. I know that I am extreme in my beliefs about organization and appearance. I'm sorry. I really do want you to be happy....these are just the paths I see leading there. I'm sorry that I do things so wrong.

And I want you to know how much I appreciate how you raised me...all the time you spent with me when I was young, helping me learn to read and write. It is because of these things that I am where I am today. And the values you instilled in me .... I am who I am because of you. And I like me and I am grateful.

I am so sorry that your life has been so awful. Please, please help yourself. I'll do anything you want if you just take control of your life.

hopes and fears and satellite ears

I'm alwasys sitting,waiting, wishing to hear from Timbuctoo...pathetic....I know. But why do I do it? I believe my behavior, with him and legions of others, is a sort of debris-in-a-storm sorta phenomenon. When my life gets a little too intense, I cling to the nearest thing to a soul mate in my life, sorta like a shipwrecker clings to a plank...hoping to float to shore. Indeed, they represent not only a current stability but a promise of a better future. I think this is why I think about them/him rather than cling to the knowledge that my best friend will love me forever and always. Best friend just doesn't hold the promise of future happiness...though she will be instrumental in it, no doubt. It almost seems like a betrayal of her, really. But obviously, it is not...it is just my way of coping.

He emailed me this morning, telling me he was heading out to see family and friends for the next week or so. Of course...I assume he was telling me not to expect to hear from him...not that I have anyway, really. I guess I was happy he took the time to email me, but felt a bit like it was just so I wouldn't freak out and stalk him or something....I know, I'm such an extremist.

It's getting easier to accept never being with him again, time and distance will do that. Now if I can just keep things steady in the rest of my life...meet my goals for the holidays, I may just go home a stronger person, strong enough to do the right thing when (IF) the time comes.

breathing in, breathe out

Well, I certainly feel better today. A bit of sleep, new light...new beginning. At any rate, I've identified my enemy, the feeling of helplessness and frustration towards this disarray of my mother...her home, her appearance, her mind. She's a good person, but she fails so extraordinarily. And I being a woman of action always want to fix things....clean and organize....I mean the trash can in my room hasn't been emptied since I was her last....last Christmas...can you blame me?

But it's not about my standards of living, it's about hers. What does SHE want to change about her existence. For years I've known that change only happens when an individual truly wants it to happen, but I always assumed I had a handle on the changes that would lead my mother to happiness...but I guess I don't.

I mean she says she's happy....I know she isn't but maybe she's happy with somethings and I've misidentified the others. Personally, I just want to come in with a bunch of rubbermaid containers and garbage bags and get working, but maybe I need to ask her if there is anything she would like to work on in the house that I could help her with.....

Although in all honesty I doubt that will work. When I was in fifth grade I was offering to clean the house and every time she would say, "No, I'll do it" and by the time I hit grade 12 I still don't think she had ever dusted her pile books...let alone read them.

I just need to accept that her quality of living is acceptable to her, I guess....sigh. I don't know.

me and me and me

I should be thankful. Both my parents are alive. I live in a first world country. I have a roof over my head. But it's so easy to get caught up in all of life's little frustrations. Right this minute I'm ticked because I ruined one of my best makeup brushes trying to fix a nail with a home gel nails kit and because the nail is looks worse than before. What stupid things to be annoyed about. And yet....

In all honesty, that's only the most superficial layer. It's funny how everyday quirks are manifestations of our REAL insecurities and frustrations. Slowly but surely I am starting to see mine. For example, today I did four things that upset me....and they are all interrelated.

The first was that I spent a bunch of money I didn't have on christmas gifts for my brother and my mom's husband. I'm glad I got them because it would just feel wrong if I didn't, but really I was very conflicted about it because I get mom, her husband and my bro gifts and no one gets me anything (athough my mom and her husband usually give me a gift of cash). I put alot of effort into finding things I think they'll like....because I care to, but I'm the only one. I wasn't conflicted because of this, this will always be the way it is. I was conflicted because I really couldn't afford it this year and because my best friend's family really wanted to get me something but I begged my best friend to talk them down because even though I wanted to get them gifts, it seemed very wrong to buy them something and not my family.....even though they went to some effort.

I know my mom would go to the effort given the means, but it's her fault she doesn't have the means...which frustrates me. And she does nothing to try and get a job anyway....

Anyway, so I started the day with that...and then they picked me up to take me to our small town where they live. And the anxiety nearly destroyed me. They are so unkempt and hick-ish that it kills me. I'm literally embarrassed to be in public with my mother whose hair always looks like it hasn't been brushed in days and which she always wears tucked into her winter coat...which she practically never takes off...she looks awful. And when I bring it up she just doesn't seem to get what she's doing wrong. She cares but refuses to the things necessary to change. It sickens me. No one gives her any respect because she doesn't respect herself. And I realized today that I have no respect for her. And that is terrible.

So they took me out for dinner and I was almost immediately stuffed and ate nothing...it was a late dinner so my insulin was all out of whack anyway. But when we got home I managed to eat most of the dinner I took home plus a ton of chocolates so my blood sugars skyrocketed. Smart. Real smart. So my frustration with that eventually led me to naw on my fingernails, as fake as they may be and mess them up enough to need to try and fix one of them,....which brings us full circle.

FRUSTRATION. And worst of all is I know exactly why...anxiety at being in my mother's home...she claims to be very busy keeping house but it is always dusty and filled with garbage and unorganized...I mean their coffee maker broke a few months ago. They bought a new one and put the old one downstairs on a shelf. I mean, WHY?!! For christ's sake throw the F^&&*ing away!!!!! God! And going into the room I sleep in I was completely distressed to find bags of crap and dust everywhere....I mean seriously. Just throw shit out already. GOD!

So I guess i need to get a handle on myself. It's 2am and I think I'm going to watch another disc of Season 4 of 24 which my best friend got me for xmas. I need to relax. I need to finish grading exams. I need to do laundry. I need to work and be productive and eat properly. I need to get a handle on my disgust for my mother and try to help her....

I can do this. I know I can learn to live with who my family are. I must. I can't just walk away and pretend they don't exist. I must accept them and learn to like them.

"sun breaks...

..I can't wait till I'll be on my way again"

Today appears to have dawned "cranky and irritable"

why do you put up with me?

I was gonna write an open letter to K1 & K2 today, but instead since it is super duper late and I'm ill at ease, it will have to wait until tommorrow.

Since I'm pretty much always a roiling ball of conflict, it's not surprising, but the brief days of calm always lead me to be surprised by the boulders of anxiety I find in my stomache only a day later. Today I met with my ball team, who I haven't seen in a year.

Pretty much everyone who knows me would call me a confident person, but I have to say that I certainly feel no confidence around these people. They've seen me fail so many times. And it's such a dog eat dog time in that group. Sure they're nice, but just like in high school, I've never felt like I fit in and have never been at ease, like I lost the popularity contest or something...

I guess it's not surprising, for the most part these are not graduate-work kinda people, they are very conservative, very res-life kinda people. And they grew up together in a way, living near each other in the first few years of university. They're smart, athletic and confident. I like them, but I'm never really myself.

And I guess my angst right now is my feeling of dissatisfaction with myself when I spend time with them. I feel weird. And I should be happy with who I am. I've accomplished much....I guess I feel boring when I'm with them...but I dare say none of my friends would call me that!

I don't know. It's funny how we see people who we perceive to have seen us fail. I want to never see them again just as much as I want to earn their respect. Being with them reminds me of how fragile self-esteem is, and of how insecure I truly am.

I had fun, but tonight I feel anxious again. And it magnifies the rest of my anxieties:
-why doesn't Timbuctoo email/chat with me
-why aren't I managing my expenses better
-why am I making people drive me all over the city
-why am I not spending more time with my family
-why am I not spending more time on my work
-why am I not more careful about my health

I know that striving to be happy all the time is absurd, but I just wish that I could accept myself and not beat myself up over everything. And stop feeling guilty about every little thing. Why do I feel that? Sigh. Tommorrow will be a better day.

self-control: do you have it and is it any good?

Me and my best friend were chatting yesterday about a self-control. It got me thinking when she told me that despite the fact that I have repeatedly fooled around with a pseudo-married man, she still feels I have a great deal of self-control. This surprised me, I guess because I am constantly berating myself for my LACK of self-control, Timbuctoo being of course my greatest failing. And nearly every day I eat too much and end up with hight blood sugars or I eat nasty, unhealthy foods. And I don't excercise nearly enough. AND I buy things I don't NEED (like the cute new heeled shoes I just got).

So really, where is the self-control? After a bit of pondering, I realized that like knowledge, self control is very domain specific. That is, I show wonderful self-control in the areas of homework and getting along with people, but have specific weaknesses when it comes to Timbuctoo, chocolate, and my wardrobe. But these things all stem from a deeper problem, that of unfulfilment in general. I mean, were I less stressed and had more time for eating and excercising properly, I would probably not be such a failure...and anyways, I fail less than many people. But because I am unhappy with my level of competence in these areas, I see them as major failures of self-control. So not only is self-control domain-specific but individually determined as those things in our life for which we wish we did better.

By way of a second example, my Timbuctoo SNAFU comes about in part by a lack of other attractive mates and far too long without one. It seems likely that the five years without a proper boyfriend in some way contributed to my inability to fend off putting myself in dangerous situations.

Probably most people would see these musings as excuses...I know I do. But are they? These ARE the reasons. I can't bear to think that I am a bad or lazy person, and don't think I am....perhaps I am compared to some and a pardigm of wholesomenss next to others....

Open Letter #1: write me a better part

You know, I began this blog so that I could say the things I didn't want to share with my friends...and after a year I've become more and more conscious that occasionally people actually read this stuff....but however obsessive and abnormal I may seem, this is what's in my head and I sincerely hope that knowing this is what makes me different from truly ridiculous people.....

So today marks a new feature in this blog. Open letters....I'm going to write them to all the people I have things to say to that I don't, won't, or can't say. Unsurprisingly, we'll start with Timbuctoo. Caution: this is massively pathetic.

Open Letter #1

What do I really want to say to you? That’s easy…I’ve said it over and over to the internet. I have no doubt that someday I will tell you. I’ll probably copy it right out of my blog and send it to you. I’ll probably throw it into your arms with tears in my eyes and walk away. I listen to sad songs and try to convince myself that it will be okay. I cruelly remind myself that we will almost certainly never be together. Blue Rodeo will never feel the same again.

And today, reading a paper on evolutionary psychology of all things I reflected humorlessly on how I seem to unquestionably accept you as the best of them all. And in turn, myself as the less desirable mate…I always let myself feel this way…I’m sure it’s a self esteem thing. And I know it happens and I can hide from it for a while, but it always comes. And its here now. I feel it when I look every day to see if there is an email from you. When I work upstairs where I can be on the internet waiting for you, rather than taking my computer downstairs and sitting next to the nice warm fire. And I hate myself for my weakness. And I ask myself if my friends are right about you.

Truly, from an outsider’s perspective, I am a fool. How could I let this happen.

But this is not about me. This is for you. I would willingly share all my hopes and fears and insecurities with you if you were mine. But you’re not and I don’t dare hope you ever will be. Even though I know that being in each others arms was undoubtedly the most real and most homey feeling either of us has ever had.

But this is about you. And your faults. Because I’m tired of talking about me and mine. You. Why me? Or is it just me? You’re clever, I know…you could manipulate me because you know what I want to hear….truly only me? Well, I’ll never know. And if just me, then why? Was it something you saw in me that was new and incredible or just that you saw in me a desperation that could be used? Did you perceive that I would acquiesce? That I wouldn’t tell?

And if it was something incredible about me then it couldn’t have been so incredible because five months later you haven’t changed your life at all. And I can’t say I believe you ever will. No, I can’t.

As I sit here and wonder if my views on God and my physical unfitness will turn you from me, shouldn’t I be asking myself instead why I should bother with someone who has a history of not committing and now of infidelity? Why does every Blue rodeo song I hear become an anthem for us? For example:

And its day after day
I keep hanging around
Please tell me why
Night after night ya I know I should leave
But its something in those eyes
Keeps me hanging on hypnotized
It breaks my heart and I don’t know why.

It won’t do. I pretend that I don’t hear “I love you” every time you say “I hate you”…I pretend that it will never happen again. And I pretend that when he tells me what the future could look like that its ok. I pretend and I pretend that I am okay and that I am strong. And I’m lying. And I know that I should walk away and night after night I look for you.

Tell me I’m not a fool. Tell me that this feeling is shared. Tell me that when I defend your actions that I am not seeing you with my eyes closed. Tell me that I’m not wasting my time. Tell me you are the man I want you so badly to be.

So many people I know have found someone. Why can’t I? I want it so badly. There’s a Kelly Clarkson song that I know will become my own…I know…I just know….I would show you everything behind these hazel eyes….I know you don’t believe in the mystical one and I’m sure I don’t either but I do believe that finding someone you can really connect with is no small matter. I do believe that very few people click and that we should treasure them…and fight for them….even if I am too much of a coward to do it…a fool. I know, I am a fool. I’ve hardly changed from heart break to heartbreak….Like a drunken fool who doesn’t know when to leave.

Today, tommorrow, another day

Time takes another day
Changes you in subtle ways
Lifts you up then slowly lets you go

-Last to Know by Blue Rodeo

Did you ever feel like you were drifting through your life? Waiting, regretting, trying and failing more than living and loving? It seems these days that what makes me happiest is simply living up to my own standards. And it happens less and less every day.

I know that everyone has vices and I know that no one is perfect, but why was my resolve so strong when I was young and so weak now? Is it laziness? Is it business? Or have I weakened as a person? I've failed myself so many times that I wouldn't dare try and count them.

And yet, I live a charmed life. I'm smart, pretty, charismatic, living in the first world...why do I lament my life so? I know that droves of people wonder every day whether everyone must have problems but I wonder about those who don't let them drive their life. I feel so incomplete yet if you asked me, I'd say I love my life.

And truly, there are many things I love about my life. But everyday I feel as though I'm sitting, waiting, wishing. Am I waiting for a soul mate who will never come? Am I wasting my life with this feeling? Can I truly rationalize my way into happiness? What am I missing? How many people feel this way?

sometimes everything is wrong

Sigh. I know that I shouldn't always feel blah. I know that I shoudl write about social issues or about injustice or beauty. But I guess I'm just too superficial. I just want to talk about me and all my hangups.

Today my hangups are mostly me. There are three things that I'm unhappy with about me, really:

My diet
My lack of excercise
Biting my nails

So tommorrow I'm gonna get my nails done and see how that works out....really part of my concern is how chipped and worn my teeth are getting. I think they look awful. It kills me to look in the mirror and see what I've done. And on top of that my hands look ugly AND often hurt from me biting them. It's just too much. Why don't I have any self control?

I hate that. I'm trying but every day I fail and one day I'm going to wake up and I'm not going to be young and healthy anymore. It's so easy to take your health for granted...and I have to be more careful than other people and I really don't feel like I am because people are always telling me I am healthy. I look good. My tests always come back good. Yet I know that my habits are not healthy. Sigh. It really is time for a change. I just hope I can do it. Sigh.

fail, fail, fail

Some days I feel like a bigger failure than others. Today is one of those days. They are pretty predictable days and knowing what brings them on you would think I would have the strength to avoid them, but now...I'm lazy. Or I lack purpose....or fear...I don't know.

There is generally some bad feeling associated with my love life (today: Timbuctoo hasn't emailed me in a few days)....and then some overeating (Today: Lays chips, Pot of Gold chocolates, and Quality Street toffees)... and some nail-biting to round things out.

I hate that. I need resolve and excercise.

I'm going for a walk now

All week as I've responded to his emails I've wondered when he will stop emailing me back daily. And he has. And I've wondered if I should not email him back daily. And then I wonder if he'll think I don't care if I do. Which is absurd, I know.

And I float, thinking about what I want to say...so I'll say it here, so that if some day I get the chance, I'll know how....

I want him to ask me "how do you really feel about me?"

And I would say:

"When I'm around you, there's nowhere that I'd rather be. Whether we're sitting next to each other surrounded by people drinking a pitcher of beer or if I'm clutching you because I'm cold and you've just arrived at my apartment. I'd rather be lamenting what an awful thing we are doing than having another beer with my friends. When I think of the future, my stomache aches becasue I know that even if I should ever have the opportunity to be with you, it will be only after much grief and confusion and uncertainty on both our parts. And I don't believe the opportunity will ever come, anyway. And then I think about how hard it is that you come to me and are so close to being with me, but you won't be. And I'm sad. And I dread the time when we are truly through and I must learn not to feel so alive in your presence lest I wallow in selfish regret. I stop myself sometimes from imagining you and I living together and what that might look like and feel like, because I know it's a girlish fantasy that will only lead me to hurt more later. And I want to tell you that I nothing has ever felt better than my unfaltering honesty with you...that you know who I am, or more aptly, what I am capable of failing at. And then I want to grab you and shake you and tell you that I would never, ever cheat on you...and then fall away because I know you can't believe me. And I want to tell you all about Jessie but am terrified that you will believe that I am trying to say that I would never behave as you have and that makes you undesirable. I want to tell you how I adore your knowledge of everyday things...things I've never bothered to know, that I cherish about you. Like how to keep black mold out of my bathroom. Silly things. I adore your social conscience, your patience, your desire to make people happy, your sex drive, your athleticism, your confidence, your sense of humor, your taste in food, your desire for me, your love of coffee, the way you love your hockey team, how you tell stories of your failures, how you find your students funny, how you make me what to be healthier, and how you wrap your arms around my shoulders. And I'm terrified that there I'll never again find someone that makes me feel like you do and that not fighting for you is the most cowardly thing I'll ever do. That is how I feel about you."

....for existing in the first place....

Here I go again

Talking with best friend about her boy...who can't commit to being called her bf, but clearly is, is somewhat disturbing right now because of Timbuctoo...as the most current love interest in my life, I always seem to have a story about him in response to best friends' stories...which is disturbing because everytime I hear myself talk, I sound like he's my bf or like he's becoming my bf or something. And it gets harder to remind myself that he is not.

And I'm starting to wonder about my commitment to reminding myself that he'll never be my boyfriend. I mean, is that really a good idea? He's shown himself to be good for me in so many ways....should I really lie down and let him make the decision? Is it really right for me not to show him or tell him that I do care and what I want? I have always thought that he should leave his gf for himself, but is it really the right thing for me to do to pretend that I don't have a stake in him leaving her? I just don't know.

I still believe that if he leaves her that he must do it for himself alone. But I am confused about what will happen next. He sort of vaguely indicates that he's not going to jump ship with her and hop into my bed, but what DOES he plan to do? Start dating me? I just don't know...when we talk about things he wants to know things that would lead him to pursue a long term relationship, but then it seems as though he wants the right answers to those questions AND to start as though it was a new relationship. I'm not sure how that can work.

It's confusing that I want to talk to him but suddenly feel as though I shouldn't. As though I will be like a young girl who needs to phone her new crush every hour. But I definitely feel anxious about telling him things such as what really happened with my "indescretion" with Jessie. I guess for all our attempts to talk, what we really needed was just to get to know each other. And now we've sort of planned to do it, but so loosely that I'm left wondering when and if.

Since I've left, we've emailed every day practically. And I keep thinking that I shouldn't email him because he will get tired of me...but he always responds to my emails. And I'm torn. Keeping up with emailing him regularly keeps me on his mind, but it may drive him away. But I don't want him to stop thinking about me either. I just don't know.

I hate this feeling of pulling. I hate that I have a sense of urgency about this now. I hate that I suddenly don't feel like I can be honest with him because I'm scared to say the wrong thing and drive him away. I hate that I'm scared to be overly dramatic by emailing him my thoughts and fears and so send him superficial and kinda silly emails, just so I can communicate with him.

I know he doesn't believe in the mystical "one" and truth be told, I don't think I do either. But I do believe that few people in this world fit you and given how rare it is for me to find one who I feel fits me even for a short period, I feel like I owe it to myself to see this through. He does fit me and I would be doing myself a major injustice if I didn't fight to have him.....oh dear. What do I do? It's not my right to fight for him.

Google's quote today:

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.
- George Bernard Shaw

Often I've thought about why I ended up in grad school rather than in my little home town married before I was 20, working at a diner. I certainly had the dysfunctional family to lead me there...I was certainly poor enough....but in the end the only answer I've ever found was that I decided not to. I chose to have something better. I think it was in grade 4. Sometimes I wonder if I am still capable of making that kind of decision and sticking with it...lately it seems that commitment is something I'm incapable of making....

But at any rate, I'm lucky I had that strength then and I hope that I can find it in me again...to make the right decisions for my life: to fight for what I truly want and to risk everything for things that are worth trying for and most of all, to see past the road I'm on to the place I want to get to and know when those are different things.

like waves in the sea

Finally...some time to stop, to think, to order. Why is it so easy to get wrapped up in what you have to do and lose site of the reason you're doing it? Why is it so easy to forget that everything we do in life is supposed to be contributing to the quality of our life?

I feel like I'm waiting for life to start again. Or maybe that's how I felt....I'll know by the end of this little talk....I mean, it was like I was running experiments just because I had to and spending every spare second with Timbuctoo because I didn't have enuf seconds with him, and going out to escape from work. And nothing I was doing was for the good of me!

How I want to feel is like my research is something I like doing. That challenges me and that I do with precision. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to get it over with...I'm supposed to be doing this for the next three or four years! And yet, there are so many jobs I could be very happy at. Why am I here? Am I only asking myself this because of Timbuctoo's baby question? Am I just looking for a way to give him the answer he wants?

I like thinking. I like writing. But these seem to be the things that I don't have time to do!

And what about this boy issue, anyway? I mean, I looked back at all my posts since this summer to get an idea of how things with Timbuctoo progressed and I was a little surprised. In fact, I had been having feelings for him since I returned from Lebanon in July. And I hardly wrote about him through September and October aka the Cody Project. So I guess that this feeling of there being an us is really just something that happened this week. I guess because we spent so much time together and because I have come to depend on him to listen when I have a rough time of life. And also because of this feeling of not having enough time.

I hate that. Until this week I did have any sense of urgency. I felt like if Timbuctoo broke up with his gf then things would just run their course. But suddenly I feel as though I have to hang on to him...keep him. What a terrible thought. I can't stand the idea of feeling like I'm losing someone I never had. I guess this is what it means to develop an emotional attachment. I guess i just hate how hard it has suddenly become to answer questions honestly, as opposed to saying what I think he wants to hear. That's something I need to work very hard at and something I hate about myself.

And yet, things with Timbuctoo have been very good for me. I've learned that I CAN be totally honest. I've definitely finally had a chance to express myself sexually because I have finally been with someone I feel comfortable with. I've definitely learned about what I really want because I've finally been old enough to listen. It's good. It's just a pity that there is a 99% chance that nothing else will come of this, other than heartache.

And my health. Always an issue. I've been really frustrated with my sugars and even over the last few days I've not been eating conscientiously. I need to. I must. I will. And as for excercising, well, I'm hoping my knock-off dance, dance revolution gets me going. And I'm really hoping I can afford a punching bag when I get home. Throw in some situps and maybe some hand weights and I'm probably in business....although I would like to take up yoga too, but learning a third new thing may be a bit much. I wouldn't want to end up with a bunch of equipment that I never use.... And last but not least...I WANT TO STOP BITING MY NAILS!!! Give me strength....

One last issue. My mom, my family....I must, must learn patience, I must, must learn patience. I wish that I could not get so annoyed. I hate myself for it...I don't even wish for a normal family. I'm way beyond that...I just wish I had the werewithall not to be such a jerk. (as a side note one of the things I like best about Timbuctoo is that he had/has a lousy family life too and so understands what it means to be smart, successful and from a lousy family....).

I think those are the balance of my issues...I'm terribly in debt but no more than I expected I don't thing so...I guess I'm okay....it sure is nice to finally sit down and think.

finally

Hurray! I'm home...life is feeling better already. Althought the abject confusion that is Timbuctoo will need to be thought and worked out, I feel great hope for my future mental health.

And i got a knock off of Dance, Dance Revolution at the mall and plan to stomp all my stress away anyway! Hurray!

tis the season to....talk about babies?

Wow...speaking of the randome craziness of life...Jesse is suddenly a father. Nuts. And sounds like life is stressful but under control....baby, mortgage, promotion. Wow.

And speaking of babies, the ongoing camel-timbuctoo snafu has taken a turn for reality as we finally managed to "talk".....and that sure was hard....I think we've gotten really comfortable just loving to be with each other...and always knowing we're playing against time, just don't talk about some things...but we always knew we had to talk...and we talked. And nothing was resolved...

it breaks down sorta like this, I think:

• Timbuctoo loves his girlfriend but is unfulfilled
• Timbuctoo has a nice little future all laid out with current girlfriend
• Timbuctoo really likes the Camel but the Camel comes with no future guarantees
• Timbuctoo is scared to sacrifice something ok and sure for something great but uncertain
• Timbuctoo wants to be a daddy sometime soon and doesn't think the Camel has babies on the radar any time soon.
• Camel hasn't thought about babies and is massively sad at the thought of Timbuctoo staying with his gf just because he doesn't want to be an old dad AND at the thought of Timbuctoo not being with her because he doesn't want to be an old dad.

Confusion....and to think we haven't even been on a first date yet!

Red Letter Email

I'm not even quite sure how to express the weight just lifted from my shoulders....or how this email totally made my day...I can't even understand exactly why it was so important but it is.

Jesse emailed me. It was just a short email saying I had forgot his birthday which hadn't happened in many years (of course I didn't forget, I thought about it that whole day)....it said he'd had "monumental changes" this year....

But whatever it said...whatever has changed in his life....he's still speaking to me and when I clicked on my msn to get the new email...hoping it had been from Timbuctoo, it was like expecting chocolate cream pie and getting strawberry shortcake instead....just as exciting and topsy turvy, but totally unexpected and welcome.

Despite the many many confusions and exhaustions of this week, the camel is very very happy.

no internet makes me sad

Five days without blogging...so sad. Well...many things have been happening...much naughtiness with Timbuctoo...the world's least available male...and lots of stress over stuff...I got a microwave for $40...HOW COOL IS THAT?!

I miss my blog. Sigh....six days until I'm done here...so much to do...so little time...