Open Letter #2: Long Way Down
This is an open letter to my mom.
Dear Mom,
every time my mind wanders to you I have a rush of feelings, guilt, despair, anger, frustration. I want so desperately for you to be the woman I know you can be, but every day I fail you. Ever interaction we have I want to scream at you to stop being afraid, to stop wasting your time (we have so little), to step up and choose something, anything. I just want you to make a choice, even if it is the wrong one in the end. I die a little inside everytime I hear you defer to someone else. It's your life. Why can't you see that you have as much right to live as everyone else? Why can't you see that you are as capable as everyone else.
I am so weak. I want you to be happy, and I think that I know what will make you happy. But I always go about everything the wrong way. I try to tell you how to change your home and your appearance and your thinking and your social interactions. I'm too weak to hep you come up with a plan you can follow. Too weak to apologize when I'm too hard on you. Too weak to see when I'm wrong.
I love you so much it makes me want to cry. But I there are so many times that I have hated you for making me feel so helpless. I ask myself why you have to be this way and feel embarrassed for you and for me. I feel how much you love me every time you call and I hate that I feel annoyed when you call. I hate that I am so self-centred that I don't listen aptly to your boring stories about flowers. I hate myself for not telling you I love those awful leg warmers and that they are exactly what I wanted.
In truth, I know that I pick on you. I know that I am extreme in my beliefs about organization and appearance. I'm sorry. I really do want you to be happy....these are just the paths I see leading there. I'm sorry that I do things so wrong.
And I want you to know how much I appreciate how you raised me...all the time you spent with me when I was young, helping me learn to read and write. It is because of these things that I am where I am today. And the values you instilled in me .... I am who I am because of you. And I like me and I am grateful.
I am so sorry that your life has been so awful. Please, please help yourself. I'll do anything you want if you just take control of your life.
Dear Mom,
every time my mind wanders to you I have a rush of feelings, guilt, despair, anger, frustration. I want so desperately for you to be the woman I know you can be, but every day I fail you. Ever interaction we have I want to scream at you to stop being afraid, to stop wasting your time (we have so little), to step up and choose something, anything. I just want you to make a choice, even if it is the wrong one in the end. I die a little inside everytime I hear you defer to someone else. It's your life. Why can't you see that you have as much right to live as everyone else? Why can't you see that you are as capable as everyone else.
I am so weak. I want you to be happy, and I think that I know what will make you happy. But I always go about everything the wrong way. I try to tell you how to change your home and your appearance and your thinking and your social interactions. I'm too weak to hep you come up with a plan you can follow. Too weak to apologize when I'm too hard on you. Too weak to see when I'm wrong.
I love you so much it makes me want to cry. But I there are so many times that I have hated you for making me feel so helpless. I ask myself why you have to be this way and feel embarrassed for you and for me. I feel how much you love me every time you call and I hate that I feel annoyed when you call. I hate that I am so self-centred that I don't listen aptly to your boring stories about flowers. I hate myself for not telling you I love those awful leg warmers and that they are exactly what I wanted.
In truth, I know that I pick on you. I know that I am extreme in my beliefs about organization and appearance. I'm sorry. I really do want you to be happy....these are just the paths I see leading there. I'm sorry that I do things so wrong.
And I want you to know how much I appreciate how you raised me...all the time you spent with me when I was young, helping me learn to read and write. It is because of these things that I am where I am today. And the values you instilled in me .... I am who I am because of you. And I like me and I am grateful.
I am so sorry that your life has been so awful. Please, please help yourself. I'll do anything you want if you just take control of your life.
posted by Camel at 2:33 a.m.
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