Here I go again
Talking with best friend about her boy...who can't commit to being called her bf, but clearly is, is somewhat disturbing right now because of Timbuctoo...as the most current love interest in my life, I always seem to have a story about him in response to best friends' stories...which is disturbing because everytime I hear myself talk, I sound like he's my bf or like he's becoming my bf or something. And it gets harder to remind myself that he is not.
And I'm starting to wonder about my commitment to reminding myself that he'll never be my boyfriend. I mean, is that really a good idea? He's shown himself to be good for me in so many ways....should I really lie down and let him make the decision? Is it really right for me not to show him or tell him that I do care and what I want? I have always thought that he should leave his gf for himself, but is it really the right thing for me to do to pretend that I don't have a stake in him leaving her? I just don't know.
I still believe that if he leaves her that he must do it for himself alone. But I am confused about what will happen next. He sort of vaguely indicates that he's not going to jump ship with her and hop into my bed, but what DOES he plan to do? Start dating me? I just don't know...when we talk about things he wants to know things that would lead him to pursue a long term relationship, but then it seems as though he wants the right answers to those questions AND to start as though it was a new relationship. I'm not sure how that can work.
It's confusing that I want to talk to him but suddenly feel as though I shouldn't. As though I will be like a young girl who needs to phone her new crush every hour. But I definitely feel anxious about telling him things such as what really happened with my "indescretion" with Jessie. I guess for all our attempts to talk, what we really needed was just to get to know each other. And now we've sort of planned to do it, but so loosely that I'm left wondering when and if.
Since I've left, we've emailed every day practically. And I keep thinking that I shouldn't email him because he will get tired of me...but he always responds to my emails. And I'm torn. Keeping up with emailing him regularly keeps me on his mind, but it may drive him away. But I don't want him to stop thinking about me either. I just don't know.
I hate this feeling of pulling. I hate that I have a sense of urgency about this now. I hate that I suddenly don't feel like I can be honest with him because I'm scared to say the wrong thing and drive him away. I hate that I'm scared to be overly dramatic by emailing him my thoughts and fears and so send him superficial and kinda silly emails, just so I can communicate with him.
I know he doesn't believe in the mystical "one" and truth be told, I don't think I do either. But I do believe that few people in this world fit you and given how rare it is for me to find one who I feel fits me even for a short period, I feel like I owe it to myself to see this through. He does fit me and I would be doing myself a major injustice if I didn't fight to have him.....oh dear. What do I do? It's not my right to fight for him.
And I'm starting to wonder about my commitment to reminding myself that he'll never be my boyfriend. I mean, is that really a good idea? He's shown himself to be good for me in so many ways....should I really lie down and let him make the decision? Is it really right for me not to show him or tell him that I do care and what I want? I have always thought that he should leave his gf for himself, but is it really the right thing for me to do to pretend that I don't have a stake in him leaving her? I just don't know.
I still believe that if he leaves her that he must do it for himself alone. But I am confused about what will happen next. He sort of vaguely indicates that he's not going to jump ship with her and hop into my bed, but what DOES he plan to do? Start dating me? I just don't know...when we talk about things he wants to know things that would lead him to pursue a long term relationship, but then it seems as though he wants the right answers to those questions AND to start as though it was a new relationship. I'm not sure how that can work.
It's confusing that I want to talk to him but suddenly feel as though I shouldn't. As though I will be like a young girl who needs to phone her new crush every hour. But I definitely feel anxious about telling him things such as what really happened with my "indescretion" with Jessie. I guess for all our attempts to talk, what we really needed was just to get to know each other. And now we've sort of planned to do it, but so loosely that I'm left wondering when and if.
Since I've left, we've emailed every day practically. And I keep thinking that I shouldn't email him because he will get tired of me...but he always responds to my emails. And I'm torn. Keeping up with emailing him regularly keeps me on his mind, but it may drive him away. But I don't want him to stop thinking about me either. I just don't know.
I hate this feeling of pulling. I hate that I have a sense of urgency about this now. I hate that I suddenly don't feel like I can be honest with him because I'm scared to say the wrong thing and drive him away. I hate that I'm scared to be overly dramatic by emailing him my thoughts and fears and so send him superficial and kinda silly emails, just so I can communicate with him.
I know he doesn't believe in the mystical "one" and truth be told, I don't think I do either. But I do believe that few people in this world fit you and given how rare it is for me to find one who I feel fits me even for a short period, I feel like I owe it to myself to see this through. He does fit me and I would be doing myself a major injustice if I didn't fight to have him.....oh dear. What do I do? It's not my right to fight for him.
posted by Camel at 12:23 a.m.
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