dear Jerk....

Dear Timbuctoo.....

if I saw you at the supermarket and you said "what, no hello?" I'd say. "you didn't bother to say goodbye."

And he didn't. I know that anyone who read my blog before is thinking I told you so....and all my friends who I haven't got the courage to tell yet are thinking "I told you so" but I guess I have no argument anymore.

I wish that I could say "happily ever after" and for a while it was....but then I found out that he is like every other cheater in the world.

I wish I could say that I left and knew better.....but I believed he could make the right decision....but he's pathetic, just like the rest.

I'm sorry world for being so blind. I'm sorry world for believing. I wish that I was not so naive. I wish that I was not so alone. I wish I could say I was surprised.

I hate him now. And I cna't even wish him well. I hope for him only despair and depression. And he deserves it. That stupid fool.

Maybe I'm a bad person. Or maybe I was the rainbow. But even rainbows can't smile in a thunderstorm. I hate him now. Because the idea of friends is absurd. Because he is pathetic. Because we had it all.

clearly I spoke too soon. Because out of nowhere, just when I was reflecting on how solid and happy our relationship was, he broke up with me. Over email. And his reasons were ....reaching.

I don't know what is going on. But Friday morning I was looking forward to a productive day so I could have fun with him and my friends over the weekend end and I open my email and .....

It's Sunday afternoon and I have gotten one email from him since I responded to his email with an email and a phone call to his cell. It was one line saying he was probably giving his ex-gf his email passwords. So, I can't call, I can't email, and he deleted his facebook account. What the hell is going on here?

Not only has he broken up with me and given me what looks like justifications rather than reasons, but he is not allowing me any way to communicate with him about it. And worst of all is that he hasn't shown the smallest inkling of regard for how I must feel.

It's like he's suddenly a different person. You know I stayed with him despite all of his broken promises, because I believed in him, that he was telling me the truth. And I have tried to explain to him that his concern that once we have kids that I will not be able to handle the pressure and take off is not my issue, but his. He just doesn't seem to get that as a result of my childhood experiences I try to make things better, rather than leave, even when I should.

And his email was so unbelievably hurtful. He basically says that I have all these childhood issues that I'm not dealing with and that until I do, I won't be a good mother or mate. Which is such bullshit. He keeps telling me I have these issues, rather than acknowledging the ones I do have and have dealt with. Fuck, I'm so mad about this. How dare he blame this on me. How dare he act like the ruin of our relationship is MY childhood issues when it is HE that clams up and won't communicate. It is HE who can't trust me because of ONE measly incident that occurred before he had even committed to me. HOW DARE HE. He's holding me responsible for something he thinks I might do someday in the future. Something that isn't even consist with any of my behavior. What IS this?

I have done everything I could to let him make his decision on his own. I have done EVERYTHING he asked to give him space so he could decide. And then he makes his decision and changes it. And tries to justify it by saying, "well I did what I said, I broke up with her." As if that somehow made it better that he has changed his mind yet again. Who really has the issues with commitment here?

And then there's the hypocrisy of it all. He told me straight out that he's never really been attracted to her, that he never thought about marriage with her, and that he wants a relationship where he loves and is loved equally. So why is he doing this? We had the kind of love that everyone in the world wishes for, at least so I thought. We felt free to talk to each other about things bothering us, we were very open sexually, we had fun together.....I just can't believe he threw me away like last week's trash. I deserve better than this.

His email started with him saying he was going to tell her about cheating on her. Which I have always said that I would support him if he wanted to do that. And he goes on to talk about how our relationship just couldn't be right if he doesn't get this closure. And then basically goes on to say that he doesn't know what he wants her to do, but he's gonna leave it up to her whether they get back together. What the fuck is that? After all his time with his therapist learning to come to grips with the fact that you can' t be with someone because of guilt, he is just gonna let her decide? Of course she'll stay with him. She stayed with an abusive guy, why not this? It's ridiculous.

And then there's the statement that he feels his relationship with her has been "whisked away". Whisked away, eh? That 8 years just flew by. And then I came along and ruined everything. Took only 2 years. And his relationship was just whisked away. Does he really think that makes ANY sense? It's absurd.

So now I'm left feeling used and abused. He has been so concerned that Karen not get too hurt in all this that he is CONSTANTLY breaking my heart and now he has done the ultimate...just completely disregarded how I feel at all. Because he needs to focus on him, on his self-growth. Some explanation. This is NOT how you treat someone you "loved more intensely than anyone ever."

the chase

Here's a question....why can't I find a water bottle made of "safe" plastic (#2 HDPE, #4 LDPE, or #5 PP) that has a Brita-style filter? Seriously, you'd think this one was obvious.

I can find TONS of sport bottles with filters and TONS of "safe" plastic sport bottles but NOWHERE can I find one that is BOTH.

AND Brita has DISCONTINUED their filtering sport bottle in Canada....and has no plans for a new one. Btw, their customer service was terrible. First they answered the wrong question (because they ignored the form they FORCE you to fill out) and then they just said "we have no plans to produce a sport bottle." It was like a robot had answered my questions.

And what about Nalgene? They have started producing a proper plastic bottle...isn't it a match made in heaven for Brita and Nalgene to team up? What is going on here?

If anyone knows of a sport bottle that is "safe" plastic and has a Brita style filter, for the love of God, tell me so I can stop complaining.

cut to the chase

Ok, I've been away a while. The news is this: Timbuctoo finally broke up with his gf. I feel like slime, but I think things are gonna be ok.