rarely mentioned part VII

So we had decided to chat online to figure out plans....it is now two days after he was supposed to be coming home and I haven't seen him online, haven't gotten any texts or calls...nothing.

What the hell is wrong with this guy? I mean I was fine with just being friends....all the way through I said that it was fine....we didn't need to hook up...I thought it would be a good thing, but I didn't need it to happen.....why is he behaving this way?

At this point my feeling is that it really was the case that I was a trophy to his ego...that he is really trying to convince himself that he is this asshole guy. And it's just sad.

This is the third time he hasn't done what he's said he's going to do....he can't possibly think that I wouldn't care......so I can only assume he's doing it on purpose...so I am pissed....what a waste of a great friendship. ....what a damn idiot....if I had thought he would behave this way....if I had thought he was still this immature, I would never have even kissed him....pathetic....

rarely mentioned part VI

The next morning was a gong show.

He messaged me at 9am to say that I had been completely inappropriate....uh...right. I texted him back with a "are you kidding?" and he sent me a LIST of reasons why.

Apparently he had been sick...ok, fair nuf....and said that we hadn't actually had any firm plans....are you fucking kidding me?

Anyway, intensely angry I texted him the reasons why I was pissed and apologized for losing my temper....expecting some sort of apology back.....it was not forthcoming.

Eventually I was on my way out the door and he sent me a message saying "fine, hate me, tis the season"...real mature....so I called him....hoping we could be adults....

Well, it was about a half hour conversation in which he basically made out that he would have reacted just like I did, but the whole mix up was still all my fault because I lost my temper and when people do that he just says "fuck em"....real mature....

Unwilling to take that I tried to converse with him and come to some sort of resolution that didn't make me feel hurt and angry....no dice....all i got was "I don't know why we're arguing about this, I agree with you..."....and "well sorry".....nothing that made me feel as if he even remotely cared how he had made me feel....eventually I just told him "fine....we agree, but I want you to know that I feel very hurt and that's why I'm still upset" and he gave me one final "well I'm sorry for that" (sounding not at all as if that were true but rather like he was pacifying someone nagging him to do laundry)....so I hung up and spent the next five hours feeling like punching him.

Around supper time I finally got a message with a real apology...I messaged him back to say thank you for being an adult and if he still wanted to see me he could come to the party best friends' bf was having.....

I heard nothing back from him for a while and the party began...eventually he messaged me and I called him and we talked about it.....and things felt better....he was going home the next morning and so couldn't make the party cuz he had too much packing....but he might be coming home early so maybe we could see each other before I left for home after all....a few texts before Christmas and things seemed fine...

Not that the talking about things was particularly great.....he finally told me what had happened that night and it seems likely that he got drunk and puked....which may or may not mean he had been drinking and driving. ...not very impressive....he also felt the need to tell me that the mail girl was throwing herself at him....in order to make me jealous...which I didn't feel and was a bit annoyed that he was still being so petulant....but in general we talked about things like we always have as friends....which was good...but I certainly believed he was still interested in an us of some sort from the conversation.....right up to Christmas eve....

rarely mentioned V

Again, looked forward to Friday....we both had plans early on in the evening though and decided to meet up after we had met our respective responsibilities....he had a staff Christmas party, I was meeting some friends for dancing.

We decided we'd message each other when we could get away...he expected around 8-ish.....

Around 9 or 10 we started texting back and forth and it sounded like he was having trouble getting a cab home....the loose plan was for him to get his car and then pick me up....around 11 he texted me that he was in the cab, was gonna drop friends off and then we'd hook up.....

And then it was midnight....so I texted a message to see what was going on....and got this rather rude reply that he was "out of commission and would call me tomorrow".....which to be frank, pissed me right off.....here's why:

1. it was only because he said he hadn't that I believed he hadn't blown me off on tuesday
2. he had been on his way....what the hell had come up that he was blowing me off now?
3. because we had made plans to get together, I had not made plans to get back to best friends' place.....at least a $50-$70 cab ride home.....

So I messaged him back and then called...and then messaged...and by 1am I was pissed...at that point I got some rather rude messages informing me that the farmer was sick.....clearly not from the farmer himself....

So I lost my temper and left two rather angry messages on his phone. I mean wtf? Why is your friend texting me to break plans with me? Why is he acting like I am bothering you and why is he being rude?

I shouldn't have lost my temper of course, but I felt supremely fucked over. I was SOOO mad.

Anyway, I eventually left and started walking toward where I was gonna catch a cab....and called best friend to blow off some steam.....and thankfully she offered to come get me....which really was an imposition cuz it meant she had to drive all the way from her place to get me and then all the way back....after she had already been driving to and from her bf's.....arg.

I went to bed utterly rageful....what a jerk.

rarely mentioned part IV

Tuesday I looked forward to. And looked great....and all day we messaged back and forth to set plans....and then he never messaged me to say he was done work....and I was so disappointed.

We talked the next day and figured out that neither of us has received messages from the other....it was like cosmic forces were keeping us together because it had been the only night that really worked out of my whole visit....i was so disappointed.

We talked about it over the next two days.....while I was at my mom's.....so I was terribly distracted and felt much guilt over it.

However, we did talk about our reflections on the previous date and did make plans to see each other the Friday I returned.

But things really fell apart that Friday.

rarely mentioned part III

Dinner was spectacular. We had wine (he not so much because his dad is an alcoholic and he has never been drunk) and appetizers and dinner and desert and coffee...and it was a splendid time.

However the issue of us did come up. And having had a bit of wine, I was very direct with my answers to questions....and he called me on some behaviors that I was not particularly attending to and betrayed my discomfort. Which was fair since I'd been giving him my perspective on his work situation and had ended up sounding more critical than I would prefer.

At any rate, his attentiveness and ability to throw me off my control game made him infinitely appealing and I realized I did want something to happen...though I was still worried about fucking up our friendship, which I was unwilling to do.

So after dinner he said "where to" and I said "your place" but somehow I apparently sent mixed signals and he decided to take me back to my best friends....I didn't really understand why, though we talked about the mixed signal issue on another day.

At any rate, when we parked at best friend's, we chatted benignly for maybe thirty seconds and then I said, with my usual lack of aplomb and more than voluptuous directness, "alright, I'm going to say goodnight and then I'm going to kiss you" and did.

And it was lovely...and continued for about an hour. It was quite wonderful. He pulled at my hair, kissed me too hard, and was very masculine.

Finally I said goodnight, knowing he had to be up early....and he mentioned something about meeting up Tuesday....which was good for me, sorta...I was planning on heading home on Tuesday but had no good reason that Wednesday wasn't just as good.

rarely mentioned part II

As I said, we stayed in touch but barely....but we really reconnected when I sent him an email at some point with the thinking that I really didn't want to lose touch and that maybe we should exchange msn addresses....at least that's how I remember things going.....

Over the last year we have traded calls and messages of the frustrations in our lives....and its been nice....and one thing I have noticed is that the inexperience and lack of assertiveness I perceived was apparently gone. He had become, not to mince words, horny and happy about it. He no longer struck me as someone who couldn't handle me. But then, it didn't really matter because there was Timbuctoo.

And then there wasn't.

I shared this story with the farmer....and we decided that when I was home over Christmas that we would have dinner and bitch about our respective lives....and at the time I thought it might be nice to see where the booze took me....not to mention how much I love dining.

Luckily we had set the date and he had penciled me in because his neuroticism over the last year had clearly led to serious problems at work that led him to be working quite busily when I came into town. I tried to make plans to see him before hand, but they didn't work out....I hadn't actually realized he'd made our dinner an appointment in his book.

Either way, the first time I saw him was dinner....

rarely mentioned part I

A story for the times......I've surely mentioned this gentleman in my blog but I have no recollection of what name I gave him...so we will call him farmer....his story begins long ago.

I met the farmer as early as my first year...I could check my transcripts to confirm this, but it was at the latest second year of my first degree....we applied to the new program the same year...and got in. So after those first two classes in which I found the farmer tall and handsome but relatively unassertive, I ended up spending quite a bit more time with him.

In those years I held a great many people at arm's length. Fresh off of my relationship with Jesse I was not about to deal with people being interested in me when I wasn't interested in them. As a result, I got to know the farmer and made it abdundantly, if not verbally clear that there would be nothing between us. Of course he never tried anything so there really was little to be concerned with.....

My attraction to him peaked and fell, though never reached a level high enough to act on...still, the thought crossed my mind...his neurotic musings, his frustration with his family, his truck....

The last event I really marked in my memory was that we went to grad together. He looked good but still, no significant stirrings....

We were friends and I liked it that way....I was to learn much much later that many people thought I felt differently, but who cares about them anyway.

We kept in touch. He went to law school, I went to grad school. My first year back I believe we had coffee....the second year back we didn't....third year I didn't come home. The fourth year is this year.

Now it bears mentioning that upon beginning law school he started dating a girl in his class....never really met her, seemed nice.....they were together for four years....really lost touch with him after a while and only reconnected long after they broke up. And that's where the tail will begin.

a misspent youth and a missed story

Since some day this will be the record that I look to for details of my misspent love affairs, I should related a night not long after Timbuctoo left my life for good.

A week after his email, I had promised a friend of Jaxx's that I would have drinks with him and his friends since we hadn't done drinks in ages.

It also so happened that my supervisor was buying us beer at 3pm to celebrate one of our techs getting a full time job elsewhere in the department.

It was an interesting night.

We started at the pub and eventually learned that the tech was not able to go home for the night and I proceeded to offer up my futon. Fine. No big deal...

Then Jaxx and his friends showed up having decided that since I was at this pub they may as well join me rather than having me join them at the other pub.

So suddenly I was right next to Jaxx feeling my heart flutter....definitely a pleasant feeling. Jaxx's friend (let's call him Redd) had to leave fairly early in the evening because he was hosting a party...so the tech, Jaxx, and I eventually ended up going for sushi...and more beer...and then trying to brave a blizzard to get to the beer store...which sadly was closed when we arrived.

Thankfully, the courageous twosome showed up and we piled into their car and headed to Jaxx's for some Wii and beer. It turned out to be a fabulous time. The boys played guitar too loud, we played Wii baseball much to my delight and Jaxx and I had much time for an intimate conversation.

Eventually Jaxx's gf called and so reality kicked back in....we all went dancing and had great fun.

Then the male of the twosome, me, and the techie headed back to my place where we had more booze that was unneeded and the male of the twosome and I made out a bit just for fun...and he promised to tell the female all about it...

Eventually he left and it was just me and the techie...who gets a little creepy when drunk, I learned and we spent a few minutes on my futon where I struggled to stay conscious and he shared some details about his life that were outright scandalous....finally I just said I was going to bed and passed out....what a night.

Thrilled to know that Jaxx is still attractive to me....thrilled to have fun.

do you feel like a man?

funny, I don't feel so bad....I feel relieved....and knowing that the person I was in love with doesn't actually exist sure makes things simpler.

At any rate, my heart feels fine...I've been waiting for the crash but it hasn't happened.

I've had a good month, considering...after a rather intoxicated few weeks and a great deal of self indulgence in the form of new clothes, I realize that i am just not shattered.

Mostly I am seeing how ridiculous his behavior is/was and since we've had zero interaction there's not a lot of that heart break fluttering...which is good.

Also, there's a new boy to chase...and Jaxx, while now with someone, is someone that I am clearly still interested in and who is still interested in me.

I'm home for the holidays now and somehow have managed to get a phone number and hook up with a friend.....the sounds of which make me worried that I'm being self-destructive, but I have to say that I don't feel bad...I don't feel desperate, I just feel good that I don't have to hide my life any more.