Let go

Ok, I'm failing miserably here. Miserably. And I don't know what to do with myself. I am quickly, quickly screwing this up. Here's what needs to happen...though it's probalby far too late:

If Cody = (driving, home, Camel) then
     If Cody !(leaning towards, Camel) then
          Leave(Camel, Car)
     Else
          Wait(Camel, Car)
End if

And if you understand that then you have some potential.

I am not sure what's going on still. He invited me over...but didn't come to improv. He put his hand on my back, but didn't try to hold my hand (but his roommate was there)....I tried not to touch him too much or to look at him too much....he drove me home and sat chatting again...and didn't even look like he wanted to kiss me....so I asked if he was playing with me...he said "maybe"... so I said "fine, I can leave"....but I didn't....I always do but I DIDN'T.

And that boys and girls is how you ruin a perfectly good sense of self-respect.

I hesitated and looked at him and he had taken off his glasses and he kissed me. And while it was a nice kiss, I'm pretty sure he said..."ok"...as in "ok, that's enough, time to go"....to which I of couse responded by bolting....this is out of hand.

Not only do I think he's not interested, but I am starting to feel dependent because I seem to be basing some level of my happiness on my interactions with him. This is absurd.

And I did say we'd celebrate his birthday tommorrow, but now I don't know if I should do something or not. I don't want him to think I'm....I don't know...desperate, but I don't want him to feel like I'm not interested or unthoughtful since I said we WOULD celerate it. I'm very confused. It's only going to get worse.

The camel needs a life...

Ok, so my mood took a significant upswing today when Cody msned me for like his last hour of work...granted he was bored....but I was very good about not inviting him out to watch improv until he already knew about it and had showed interest in my plans for the evening...

He did, however, in the end say he would probably not come out, but that I should come over AFTER and watch tv with him...now this may be the beginnings of apathy or he may just be tired...hard to say...I'm undecided on whether I'll go...I don't want to seem too available...this is absurd.

I think...I MUST just need something to worry about.

today is grey

And I am still in a funk. I worked all day though. I got up at 7:00 and made it to work by 8:15...that's pretty good...and I took only a 20 minute nap all day....so I think I'm not being lazy. I'm just frustrated. Out of sorts.

It's grey today. And I just want to listen to sad songs. And I've been programming and feeling frustrated. And I've been trying to learn and feeling frustrated. And as long as I don't think about previous and future conversations with Cody, I feel ok.

So today's lyrics are:
And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

- The Hardest Part by Coldplay

Can't get my head around you

I'm going crazy. I can't seem to go to bed...I'm just randomly reading lyrics and email and staring at my msn trying to go to bed, but not. I have so much to do tommorrow. I can't be worrying about this. It's stupid. You know what I'm thinking right now? Timbuctoo made me a CD with "Breathe In" by Frou Frou on it....clearly one of the greatest songs ever...but in theliner he just wrote "A classic I'm sure you know"...which I of course did not. Last night, talking about why Cody has an original copy of the Clueless soundtrack he mentioned he wanted it cuz it had a Frou Frou song on it....absolutely bizarre...the first time I'd heard the band name...had no idea they sang the song I have been blasting in my ears constantly over the last two weeks...and I just feel really weird about it now.....but I looked up the Clueless soundtrack and there's nothing by them on it....weirdness...anyway, I sound obsessive so I'm trying to go to bed now.

Camel on the down low

It seems like this blog has taken a turn for the worst. It seems that all I do anymore is record my insecurities and misadventures about boys. But boys can't possibly be the be all and end all of my life.

So many things happen in life. So many things make us happy. Why have I stopped talking about how I feel about everything else in the world? Have I stopped feeling these things? They seem so insiginificant.

Am I losing sight of life?

Insecure camel

Sigh. Today was not a good day. I was relatively productive with work, but didn't finish anything.

Big Q has made his display picture one of me at his graduation giving him a hug...this served a double purpose of making me feel fat (I look terrible!..no misperception...I don't know WHY he posted that pic) AND of making me sad that I haven't been talking to him much....:(

Roomie declined to go out today because she had work to do...so I feel like a slacker....though in general I must have been bitchy today cuz I had coffee with her and another grad student today and was mostly annoyed listening to her talk about her thoughts on altruism...not that they were bad or boring...but because she just went off on the topic in her lecture voice...and didn't really address what the other student had said...she was just lecturing us on her views...which I found annoying...but maybe that's cuz I've heard it before and cuz I'm bitchy....

The high school soap opera in my head continued today with a major social faux pas....I had been thinking I should stop inviting Cody to do things all the time...though it is in my nature to invite people out all the time....and combined with the fact that I chat with him alot, this leads to said occurrence...anyway...I had decided I should stop being so inviting because at lunch time he and I were chatting and he said he was going for lunch and I said that I was just down the street from where he said he was going...in a coffee shop working and that he should drop by if he is bored on his voyage...which he didn't....which I think I justifiably interpreted as disinterest....but then I later invited him to join us for a movie because he was msning me while we picked out a video to watch...I shouldn't have...but he had brought up eating....so maybe he was gonna ask me out for dinner...who knows....and then I proceeded to give him all the details of the said event because he was supposed to be talking to another of our friends who was supposed to be coming....ah....pathetic camel.

And I have been nibblling at my nails which have finally grown a bit.

I am hereby imposing a strict ban on inviting Cody anywhere except Margaritaville on Wednesday...no more subtle hints that I'd like to see him...uh uh...my self-esteem can't deal with it. Better he think I'm not intersested than too interested....ahhhhhhh...why am I so ridiculous....why do even care?!!!!

Feels angry

My computer is being a tempermental bitch today. I want to kill her. I'm sitting in a coffee shop and am having to restrain myelf from throwing a temper tantrum. Instead I will swear virtually. @%^#&^%^&^&*^!@@!!!()@#$*&%^#$@&*(!@#*()(*#$@)*!_(@__(*)*(*)(**()%^!@#^$%!!

you're my favorite damn disease

Some day I'm going to look over my blog entries and see whether my 'self-conscious' posts all happen at the same time each month...cuz seriously, they seem periodically....

I feel huge. I HAVE gained some weight, seven pounds I believe since the last time I weighed myself, though well within what my body seems to feel is normal. I just feel like a whale. It's all the beer I'm drinking..it's leading me to take more insulin, which I KNOW leads to weight gain...basically I'm upping my calories but not my exercise...badness.

Ok, now that's done. I have lots to think about and say about this weekend. Suffice to say I'm yet again dissatisfied with my behavior. I'm rolling my eyes at myself right now. Stupidity. And I think mostly cuz I was sad that Cody wasn't there.

I don't know when this blog turned into the ongoing adventures of my love life, but I guess this is what is consuming my mind so this is what comes out...sigh....I ought to worry about something useful like world peace....

So. About Cody. When we last left the camel she was concerned about her waning interest in Cody. However, this weekend the camel really, really wished Cody was there. And phoned him on Saturday night and left him a message. Which he returned on Sunday like the good boy he is. When I got home today I msned him and chatted...with what I had hoped sounded like a "hey, wanna do something?" but possibly did not since he didn't bite. I gave it one more try since I'd been looking forward to seeing him....and gave up on subtlety saying "I'm done working. I'm showering. If you wanna hang out, msn me before I put on my PJs." This worked. I went over and watched a movie with him at his place.

It was nice. Awkward, but good. He often is in great kissing position but makes no move...which is driving me bonkers...is it me? Am I just rushing things or is he just shy? I don't know...Anyway, we watched Resident Evil which I love. Well, I love the second one...but I haven't seen the first in so long I didn't rememeber is. So we watched that. And held hands. And sat on the couch and talked while the credits rolled and the menu came back on. And man was that awkward. But so much better than not being around him, still.

So then we went to MacDonald's for food. And watched The Simpson's on his computer. And he has the best looking bookshelf ever. God smart guys are sexy. And then I realized he might not know how to ask me to leave, decided 1am was late enough and said, "let's go"....so he drove me home...which was the ultimate in awkward.

I feel exactly like I did in high school. Chatting in the car...sorta waiting....so after a very short interval of chatting, the impatient camel said, "Ok, I gotta go"...and then waited...and he said "ok"....and waited...at which point I said "So are you gonna kiss me good night or not?"...subtle as a train wreck. He looked at me and said, "Geez, you're demanding" and then leaned over. ...which of course makes me feel retarded and responded with a slick "don't kiss me then"...which was mostly lost as he kissed me...............................................God he's a great kisser...I actually feel butterflies...he's got these super soft lips and the greatest way of stroking my arms...anyway...suffice to say I loved it...bear in mind this was our first sober kiss. Good thing it wasn't awkward...yeesh. Anyway, so then I left. And felt retarded.

So now I'm wondering if he's losing interest in me or if I'm just over-anxious. I mean, he IS Mr. Laidback. But still...I feel a bit lost all of a sudden. I really like having him around. Being around him makes me happy, which is an excellent thing. But I feel boorish and awkward and pushy around him. Which is very bad. I guess what it comes down to is these facts:

1. I love kissing him
2. I love hanging out with him
3. I find him funny and interesting
4. I feel like I'm in high school when I'm with him
5. I feel like my impatience will ruin this

I hate boys.

Camel falls off wagon

Just to worn you...this is gonna be a boring post...

I'm really starting to worry about the state of my health. I've been taking WAY more insulin than normal to deal with the boozing plus the snacking...I've got to be gaining weight...not good...not to mention I feel blah cuz I'm not eating properly. Must stop...but my self-control sucks...WHY can't I just not eat if I'm not hungry. Jeez!

In other news, I got an email from the Tree Hugger today. Which is great! I used to live with the Tree Hugger but we kinda lost touch. I'm so excited.

Also, I neglected to mention that Timbuctoo's first guess at who I was dating was Junior...which is utterly uncool, but unsurprising since we've been hanging out alot...a product of his new singledom and that we live a block from each other...and both love sports...unfortunately, Timbuctoo thinks he's got a thing for me...which I was sorta wondering about....but I figured since I so OBVIOUSLY am into Cody, that he would not pursue it/get over it fast....but now I'm a little worried....I'm also slightly annoyed that Timbuctoo thought I'd date Junior since I've told him numerous times that he's not my type AND cuz that would be a ridiculous way to move on...or maybe I'm annoyed cuz I don't think I really did a good job of getting across that I had been interested in Cody before him...I don't know...whatever....just something floating in my mind.

I'm going away again this weekend. And it should be a two-stepping good time...looking forward to it, but sad that I won't see Cody until Monday...I really felt like seeing him tonight too. Boo.

Are you bored yet? I went to the dentist today and he said my teeth are fantastic, but covered in chips because I bite my nails...just another reason to stop....and it's still so DAMN hard...I hate it. ARG.

Anyway, I think I'm out of my sad funk, which is good...I'm not bitchy anymore which is super good...

there is no motive for this crime

aka ... another night of drunk blogging.

So....so....tonight was Wednesday...Big Corona night, by any other name...and Cody couldn't be there cuz quite sadly his grandmother died. It was his birthday. How very awful.

I wished he was there. I played ball with Timbuctoo today. And loved every second of being with him...but I still wished Cody was there tonight. I wanted to hold his hand and lean against him as I got drunk. Timbuctoo can't ever be that for me..

I told Timbuctoo about Cody today. He didn't react much, but that's what Timbuctoo woudl do...what I would do...nonchalance to the last slash. Did it mean anything to him? Did he care? Did it pull at his heart like meeting his gal pulled at mine. Was he in love with me...I'll never know and don't think I want to. I want to remember him as the perfect moment that couldn't last.

Cody I wish you were with me now.

harder and harder to breathe

Today was one of those days where I could hardly put down my mp3 player...all I really wanted to do was walk and listen to music...

I just feel angry and sad and I don't know.

I keep thinking about Timbuctoo. And I don't want to forget him, but I'm well on my way. It's kinda like moving on would invalidate the whole experience. I mean I know that's stupid, but I just don't want to move on cuz I feel like it will disappear from me forever....

That said, things with Cody are just fine and just good. I had breakfast with him today after that lovely drunken msn conversation yesterday. Though it was much less exciting than it could have been....I don't know....I wonder if I feel like I've won him so now I am losing interest. Which woudl be very sad. Cuz he's super nice and doesn't deserve that and because that would mean NOT forgetting Timbuctoo.

Oh dear. Anyway, I wish Cody was online now so I could flirt with him. I wish Timbuctoo was online so I could just talk to him...tell him everything is ok, tell him I'm sorry if I say stupid things...tell him that I don't think anyone else knows...

Seeing him today at ball was fine but I had to remind myself not to crush on him. Watching him hit balls to us in practice, I really WANTED to crush on him. He has the most beautiful body...and all the pictures I have of him aren't helping...he's annoyingly photogenic....but anyway, I love the way he looks. I do. He's so coordinated..and so confidently so. Watching him field is wonderful. I love it. I hate him. I hate him for being everything a man should be. I hate him for knowing he is. I hate him for existing in the first place. He's not the most beautiful man alive by a long shot....but he's the best lover I've ever had. And he's exactly the athlete I want. God, I hate him. Sigh.

I don't feel like I need or want him and his woman to break up. I just am sorry I can't be with him more. To just sit and drink beer or to feel him hold me close.. Both of equal value to me. I know that I'm probably just wanting him cuz I can't have him. And because of that I'll never raise a word. I'll never tell him, I'll always lie if he asks. But he is somethign I cna't describe. Something so right. God I hate him.

Maybe I do just want Cody to distract me.....

bubbly, with a pleasant taste

So talking to Cody drunk today....him not me...over msn...and discussing what a light weight he is...I believe he said "you get me drunk"....which culminated in a very cute little compliment where I was compared to beer......"bubbly, with a pleasant taste"....stupid boy....I'm trying to be annoyed with him for reneging on our unofficial ice cream date for the second time. Honestly, I think Tom is right, I'm never getting a real date. But whatever, the more hard to get he plays, the more likely he is to keep my interest...it's a win win situation really.

Speaking of winning...I told roomie. And I seriously had to work up to it the whole day. I was dreading her coming home all day....and when she did at around 7pm I had to work up to bringing him up...I finally did on the way home from our pals place after we went for icecream.....and she got SO excited. Seriously. I blushed for like half an hour. And then she started needling us both over msn...she's so mean. Anyway, I'm glad I managed to tell her...it was driving me nuts...I mean I new she'd be happy but there was still this little voice that said she was gonna secretly be upset and it would ruin our friendship....but I think it won't...I think she truly IS excited.

I saw a dead monarch butterfly on the road today. Untouched, but dead. With one wing folded under the other, lying on it's side. Beautiful and sad.

This fits better than I'd like it to

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection

-All These Things That I've Done by The Killers

Walking into the sun

So about ten minutes ago I was walking home and about half a block away, my mp3 player was playing White Shadows by Coldplay and the sun was falling down behind the apartment building in front of me...and the world took on an eerie sort of taste....like I need to sort things.

Today Cody msn'ed me to see if I wanted to go for ice cream after he finished work...which I was all up for...but then at 5:19 he phoned and was like "it's crappy outside, how about we go tommorrow or something" and of course I was like whatever.....but he said he wanted to go to his parent's and do laundry....which is odd since I know he did laundry three days ago. Boys are weird...anyway, I just felt sorta blah about the whole thing.

Last night Stevo confronted me about whether Cody and I were dating and I said "I don't know" and he was all worried about his friends dating....whatever.....

I feel fat. I feel bitchy. I feel like I need an exercise regime. I feel like drinking a pitcher with Timbuctoo and yakking...I feel like I want to be left alone....well that's what's on my mind....I feel fat, I feel poor, I feel bitchy...

Point of Fact

The thing about drinking is that I always feel like a Grade A idiot the next day. I've been thinking about my behavior last night and it occurs to me that there was a great deal of me holding Cody's hand that really need not have been done. I mean we were sitting ACROSS the table...and I was holding his hand. I mean really, how ridiculous. How embarrassing. I hate that.

Timbuctoo was supposed to come out last night and I'm REALLY glad he didn't. If he had I'm not sure my behavior would have been different, and that would have been really unfair to him. He's very tactful with his PDAs and clearly I was not last night...so that may very well have been very hurtful towards him....and I haven't told him about Cody yet, so it would have been like a hit from a bat in the dark....though I don't really know that it WOULD have hurt him. He either wouldn't have cared at all and been happy for me or he'd have been very jealous. Well, glad I didn't have to deal with it.

Arg. I definitely leaned over and kissed Cody on the cheek at the table yesterday..I'm insufferable. Ack. I can't stand me right now. Ack.

But Cody still seems to be interested...though I'm consistently surprised by this fact. I'm ALWAYS drunk when I'm around him it seems. How embarrassing. Ah well....the walk home last night was awesome. It was pouring.... :) ....he looked really cute with his hair wet. Ack.

For the record

I made a point of NOT kissing Cody tonight. I waited to let him kiss me goodnight.And it was pretty much the greatest thing ever kissing him goodnight. So....for anyone listening, the camel is smitten. And she hates it. Tonight, we called Cody....from the bar, because we couldnt' stop thinking about him and wishing he was there. And he said he'd come...even though he has to work early the next day. The camel was delighted! and utterly surprised....thrilled! And he came...and then we went for dinner...and the camel didn't mind holding his hand across the table in full view of everyone and anyone. And then to walk home in the rain....Cody's roomate and Stevo somehow just disappeared (went for Candy) and Cody walked me home. And carried my recycling bin upstairs for me...and spent at least ten minutes kissing me goodnight. And the camel is totally screwed...she is TOTALLY SCREWED. Cody has the camel in the palm of his hand. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Oh God...with those words..."send me home now" the camel absolutely melts. Gives him one more kiss and lets him go. And when the Camel says "that was an awful goodbye" to his casual bye ....he laughs at her as she pulls him to her one more time. I really hate him he's so wonderful.AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH...he doesn't appear at all afraid of the camel...hmmmm....maybe he's a man after all.....AGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH

Dance....get out on the floor and dance!

Ah, Thursday nights...It never fails to amaze me how impressed guys are by what I percieve as absolutely nothing...oh well, I guess I shouldn't complain.

Here's some songs that I heard and made me wish Timbuctoo would show up. He knew where I was and was out at another bar...bad Camel, I know. But that's what I was thinking...

The way you look, the way you laugh,
The way you love with all you have,
There ain’t nothing bout you that don’t do something for me

-Ain't Nothin Bout You by Brooks and Dunn

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One more margarita they were fallin' in love,
One more is never enough.

Don't bite off more than you can chew,
There's things down here the devil himself wouldn't do,
Just remember when you let it all go,
What happens down in Mexico, stays in Mexico.

-Stays in Mexico by Toby Keith

So stories, quickly before I go to bed:

A guy came up to me and asked if he could hit on me. Suffice to say I said no. And then later, he was macking one of my pal's pals...and wasn't taking no for an answer so I said, "hey, whatever you want, you're not getting it so leave" or something to that effect. He was not pleased. He was an ass.

There was a guy there who was there last week too. I looked at him alot and he kept looking at me. He was cute. We chatted briefly to get each other's names again and said we looked forward to seeing each other again. It was nice. The older I get, the more I appreciate not rushing things.

I need to chill out a bit about Cody. I'm getting far too interested. And I don't know that he is as interested. I mean, yes, he msns me lots, but he doesn't hit on me. Today he invited me to watch "Firefly" episodes with him and one of our friends and his roommate...though I think just cuz he had brought it up when we were talking...anyway, I went while wating until a decent hour to country dance...and it was fun. We laughed at the same things in the show, I noticed...but on the other hand....he's so laid back that it's hard to tell if he's interested or not....arg. Patience is for Yoda.

blogging on my futon in my underwear

Feeling not so bad. I was worried I made an idiot of myself to Cody last night, but he's been msn-ing me today, which must be a good sign.

Played ball with Timbuctoo today (gf not present) on our team (vs. his team) and had a fabulous time. Just like before the big oops.

It's funny how love/like can play us like fools. I mean I'm a friggin rollercoaster of emotions. Blissful leaning against Cody's arm, with his hand on my back. Disparate sitting on a bench next to Timbuctoo. Excited burning Timbuctoo on the ball field. Frustrated sitting at home at my desk, staring into my closet and wondering if I'll every find a lover like Timbuctoo again. Nervous msn-ing with Cody and wondering when he's gonna ask me out on a real date. Sad thinking about how Jesse never emails me anymore. It's amazing I can concentrate at all, really.

But someday I'm gonna write that book "All the bad things I've done" and I'm gonna realize that it was worth it. I've messed up some really good things, yes, but I can never say I didn't live or that I "shoulda". And maybe the person I am or that I become could only have come about because of these things. To be frank, I like me. And if being me means that I have regrets, then so be it.

RARRR!

Feeling life

Word to the wise: Homemade Mac and Cheese, while intoxicatingly excellent, may result in a stomache ache if portion size is unmonitored.

So I went to bed early. And then stayed awake until my best friend called and then still went to bed early. But I feel utterly fantastic today. Utterly. And my mind is almost at ease. Wow.

Apparently however, setting your msn to "Away" is essential. I had five msns on my screen when I woke up this morning. Including one from this girl in Lebanon who is starting to get on my nerves. First of all, she added me to her msn and never told me WHERE she got my address...but I figured it couldn't hurt, she is the daughter of the owner of the internet shop I hung out at...actually, I'm pretty sure I know where she got the address now that I think about it....

Secondly, she msns me constantly. Third, yesterday she msned me but I was busy and didn't respond. She msn'ed me later and I chatted with her long enough to say I was busy. Then this morning I get up and she's left me a bunch of msns including one saying I am "bad". I mean really, chill out. It doesn't take a brain scientist to realize I'm not at my computer. Don't invade my life and then get pissed at me when I don't spend all my time talking to you. Christ. I'm highly annoyed. AND fourth, I also found a new contact waiting to be added which I'm pretty sure is just her alternate address (which I allowed, but am feeling a bit hesitant about)....seriously.

Anyway, back to work.

By the light of the Camel

Hmmmmm.....I should drink less. That said, according to my friends, he was hitting on me first.....and I didn't mean to, but I should know better by now.....I shouldn't have invited him out last night....but I did, he came, we had great fun with Armette, BadLuckA, SuperHostess and her roomie and the outoftowner....and I lapped him in beers...that was a bad idea...but then he started sitting closer to me...and put his arm around me....and it was great...and he walked me home and we held hands and had poutine....and we kissed good night....and it was totally great when he said "alright, send me home now".....and I did. Cody strikes again.

Sigh....now if only I wasn't worried about rushing into things as a way to get over Timbuctoo and that I should have waited a bit longer after talking to roomie about it cuz I let on that was not super interested but only kinda interested and that I hadn't made an idiot of myself drinking so much, thenI'd be super duper happy.

But when he got home he msn'ed me a wink....so I'm probably in good shape....tee hee. I like him.

Smile Like You Mean It

Sometimes life gets confusing. I mean, I know it's impossible to be happy to be all the time. But I wonder if "to be happy" is something tangible to strive for. I mean, I seem to find myself working towards "being caught up" instead. Like fulfillment is not having any looming deadlines. And I'm the one imposing the deadlines anyway.

What IS happiness anyway?

I can think of happy moments, but in general, sitting at my desk and working is something I THINK makes me feel happy, but usually involves me biting my nails...which tells me I'm not. In my lifestyle fantasies, I see myself working at my desk and being stuck on some problem and leaning back in my chair and thinking...not biting my nails and standing up every few minutes for a nap.

I've finally created the workspace that I see in my fantasy, but I'm still not working in it...is that just because I have taken on too many things? Or because I'm unfulfilled in other parts of my life or because it will just never be like I've imagined it?

I don't know. I know I'm happy when I'm walking down the street with Cody or having a beer with Timbuctoo or yakking about boys with roomie or on the phone with my best friend or hitting a softball or at a good action adventure flick with Miss Movies or reading Harry Potter. Moments...

Roomie is wise

Today I was chatting with roomie and remembered what she said about how I never tell her anything about my life. So I decided it would be a good day for it cuz I needed to talk about Timbuctoo.

So I told her the whole thing...and it came out sounding dumb, but I am happy to have told her. She said she'll never tell anyone because she cares about me and that meant alot to me.

She thinks I should not see him. She thinks I'll just get hurt. I'm sure she's right, but I think that I feel like I need to be punished for doing something so awful and so feel like I should make myself endure being around Timbuctoo and his woman. Alternatively, I think I really believe that he wants to get out of it and want to be around when he does. Ah, I'm so awful, either way. Armette today told me that Timbuctoo told his woman he'd stayed at her house once...because he wanted to be a "better partner"...which is concerning cuz he told her when he was drunk, so who knows WHAT he said, but since it's 100% out of my hands...meh

It's funny how I'm feeling right now. I like thinking about Timbuctoo but I hate that I'm thinking about outcomes...what is it about relationships? I mean, I am having to fight to remind myself that if he decides to leave her that he'll come to me, if he wants to. I don't need to be around. Period. And he knows I care about him. I don't need to let him know. Yeesh. Listen to me. Pathetic. I shouldn't even be having these thoughts. Bad Camel.

Moving on....I made some random comment about Cody cuz I wanted to talk about him since I was in the business of confessing to roomie. I didn't know how to bring it up so I brought up some random fact about him instead. And she said that he hardly talks to her anymore. And I said, hmmm...that worries me cuz he talks to me all the time. Then she got a goofy grin and spent the next five minutes insisting that we'd be great together...how the whole time she was with him she thought we were better matched, and how she would absolutely be totally unconcerned if we hooked up and would like to see him happy.

So, I guess that solves that problem...though I clearly need to deal with this Timbuctoo issue in my head first.

God I'm bored with myself.

Let it rain on my parade

A quick set of reflections:

• Before I die I want to write a book called "all the terrible things I've done"
• I may be punishing myself for Timbuctoo by attempting to remain friends
• Roomie and I talked about Cody...she would LOVE for us to hook up...she actually sounded excited at the idea
• I made out with a boy this weekend and felt absolutely no guilt or need for closure or continuation
• My webmaster job is cramping my style
• I had a FANTASTIC time this weekend
• I'm worried Junior might be developing a crush on me....though he's probably just lonely
  

Ludditing it

I'm off camping tommorrow morning...five and half hours of drivin...woo hoo road trip! Two whole days without blogging tho....:(

I wanna know how forever feels

Lyrics from a song tonight...what a great night. Me and the Buff Blonde went to country night tonight and had a total blast. God I love country music! Cody and Stevo came. And they both suffered through the music for an impressive two hours before leaving us...which was probably better cuz we didn't want to chat anyway...we just wanted to dance.

Three musketeers made the evening more enjoyable by adding a Y-chromosome factor. One of them looked distinctly like Jesse and as a result I couldn't keep my eyes off him....no problem with my hands, thankfully though. But he did lead me to have a few fantasies about Jesse walking into the bar...

Another one whose name left my brain immediately told me I had a "Pulp Fiction kinda thing going"....and "hey, I like it"....I figure any time I'm being compared to Uma Thurman is a good time, right?

Line dancing was definitely the highlight of the night. The Buff Blonde knows a whole bunch that I don't know and slowly but surely I'm picking them up. I think I've got three of them down pretty good now. One of them, which we did to "Sold" by John Michael Montgomery elicited applause and a great deal of whooping from the peanut galleries around us. Go us! It was totally fun. We danced till we couldn't dance any more. Hurrah!

Meeting her

So apparently I had the days all mixed up. Timbuctoo's women came home tuesday. And I met her today. So I guess I should get around to talking about her.

Earlier in the week, when I asked about her, Timbuctoo said that she could be snooty, that she was a little territorial if she thinks someone is interested in him, and that in the past when she was gone and he was hanging out with another girl it got messy cuz she got really upset about it and didn't want him talk to her anymore. And then of course the other girl took it personally and it was something of a snafu. And they WERE just friends. So Timbuctoo told me that now, he just makes it clear when she's going over the top and everything's fine.

So suffice to say, I didn't get the greatest impression of her. Which confused me because another day when we were all out drinking I was talking about how concerned I was that she'd be upset that I was hanging out with Timbuctoo and everyone said I shouldn't worry about it cuz she was cool...grr...

Anyway, I just kinda thought the nice things he said about her were superficial...but maybe that's what I wanted to hear...who knows.

Timbuctoo called me while I was eating dinner to play ball. He wouldn't have cuz I know he didn't want me meeting her right away, but his team was short girls so he picked me up and warned me she'd be there.

And she looked and acted exactly as I had imagined. Not rude, but a little cold. Not too friendly, but polite enough. And very bookish. She's pretty but plain. It all fit. She didn't seem snooty to me. Driving me home, I couldn't help but feel like their conversation was very, I don't know, bland...functional...I guess that's what happens after 8 years...

It occurred to me that maybe meeting her early was a good thing...so she could have a first impression of me unmarred by other people saying I was hanging off her boyfriend when she wasn't around...

And I felt exactly as I expected. Fine. I did find myself avoiding watching them together just in case he kissed her, but I didn't feel upset when I thought he had. I didn't feel TOO nervous going and sitting next to her or making fun of Timbuctoo as I normally do. It went as well as it possibly could have.

A thank you note

To Cody:

thank you for being you. Today you did so much for me you have no idea. You solved my asp/sql problems. You eased my mind about the site that has to be done yesterday. You were funny and made me forget about being mortified over Timbuctoo. You were a gentleman and drove me home - and you were so easy about offering. You waited at my door to see that I got in safe. You bought me coffee. You looked beautiful. You didn't move away when our skin touched accidentally. You were laid back and clever and interesting. You made me happy.

The wrong movie

Today roomie and I watched Closer. And I have to say there was never a movie I'd wished I'd watched sooner. If you're not familiar, it's about two couples' experiences with adultery. Hmmmmm.....I had a whole new perspective to apply to it and felt very uncomfortable a few times. I definitely feel like more of a bad person than before. Sheesh. Combine that with how mortified I feel and suffice to say that walking down the street by myself today was dangerous. I was randomly grabbing my forhead and shaking my head and turning red. I probably looked dangerous.

Song of the week

I'm such a mess.....

And I’d give up forever to touch you
’cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that i’ll
Ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
’cause sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d
Understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

-Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

oi, oi, oi, oi

Camels should not be allowed to talk after chugging pints and when saying goodbye to boys they shouldn't be saying goodnight to in the first place....oi, oi, oi, oi. Let's leave it at that. Use your imagination and you'll figure out what I said...and didn't mean. oi, oi, oi.

Camels can't chug beer

Well, that's not true. I held my own with two veterans last night.

Now, I was only chugging cuz they were gonna take away our beer (all the tables and chairs were already up)....but I was so fine until then....and then I was done...damn it.

So, Timbuctoo invited me out for one last beer with him and his pal. And it was fine. But I don't remember much about them walking me home or arriving at my place which is a bit concerning. Specificaly because I remember pal going on and on about how I should just go for it with Timbuctoo. Growl.

When pal went to the bathroom Timbuctoo and I had major staring-into-each-others-eyes contests and eventually I gave in and gave him one minor smooch but that is it. I was very well behaved. Well, I did keep rubbing my legs against his under the table after three or four pints, but that's pretty minor too.

But on the way home, Timbuctoo, I do rememebr saying that pal had "guessed"...big surprise - it's painfully obvious though I have to say that I don't think it was last night...but I can't speak for post chugging Camel.

And then we got to my house. And they came up and after maybe five minutes I was like "staying as long as you want, I have to go to bed" cuz I was now wasted. And the next thing I remember is Timbuctoo holding me in his arms. I think he just wanted to say goodbye. Pal was still there. But I feel bad cuz I was too drunk to respond much. And I wanted to say goodbye. Sigh. If only I hadn't had to chug that beer....

I'm alive, are you?

So I was walking down the street today thinking: when I'm running around trying to be the "best" person I can be, I sometimes forget to BE a person. What I mean is that all last year I worked my tail off and with relative success. But it's right now that I feel happy.

Not that I was unhappy, but I was very out of touch with feeling good.

Not that I am happy exactly now, but I feel different in a good way. I can't quite put it into words. Maybe it's just the aftermath of messing around...maybe it's just that I love a little drama. Or maybe it's that I like to push the envelope on what I feel.

I feel more like working right now than I have in ages.

Back to square one

You know I was doing so well on that self-respect thing....sigh.

Well, suffice to say I need to slow down on the boozing cuz I'm forgetting far too much of my evenings. And allowing far too much misbehaving.

Though, I'm ok with the booze, but just not with my complete inability to stay away from Timbuctoo. I knew I'd be seeing him at the pub on Friday. And things were totally cool...but then me and my pals went to a BBQ which he came to later...which was still not an issue until there was this time when I followed Timbuctoo into the bathroom and we closed the door for about 30 seconds.....yeesh. Seriously. I'm better than this. It wouldn't have been a big deal if one of his drunken friends hadn't noticed...yeesh.

And then. And then. Walking home. Armette, Junior, Timbuctoo and me. And I end up a bit of a ways back with Timbuctoo and we're sorta trying to lose Armette and Junior but it doesn't work...I'm pretty sure that's partially cuz Armette wants to flirt with Timbuctoo (though she's engaged)...anyway, what I did do and shouldn't have done is tell Timbuctoo to just let me go home and then when he loses the other two to come over.

And that's exactly what he did. I didn't think he'd do it. I thiought he'd just go home. But he didn't and boy, another night without sleeping. Problem is that I couldn't very well hide it from roomie again. Not that she didn't already know. The next morning...I had to tell her cuz at some point he had to come out of my room. Sigh. Bad camel. Very, very, very bad camel. This is a really bad thing.

So, the worst of it is that Timbuctoo and me really have a good thing...if not for the fact that he has a girlfriend...of eight years no less...which really amounts to me messing around with a married man. It's so wrong. And it's never happening again.

He's not a bad person, it's obvious. And we are sooo good together. It sucks. I mean he ended up staying at my house all day...until like twenty minutes ago actually...cuz we just didn't want to say goodbye....terrible. And we talk about all kinds of things...including his girlfriend. Which I will have more to say about later...sigh. Bad, bad camel. Very, very bad camel.

Highlights

So when I'm old and bitter, I'll probably want to remember something about last night. Which was quite memorable. So highlights:

1. First time I've ever hooked up with someone with a girlfriend.
2. He's had a crush on me since our second ball practice....which is eerie.
3. We both knew this would happen.
4. I love the way he talked to me.
5. He has beautiful, beautiful eyes.
6. He almost didn't come out with us last night cuz he figured something might happen
7. I tried really, really, really hard to tell him to go home - before we got to my place, anyway
8. He was worried I might be in love with him...but when I called him today to play ultimate frisbee, it struck me that I maybe should have the same worry about him
9. He still loves his girlfriend.
   
10. This was the first time he's ever cheated on her.
11. It makes me happy to be around him, and I don't think I will be unhappy that we can't be together, but I'm glad I know he has feelings for me.
12. I could see reality dawning on his face.
    
13. I was very much an adult.

need some music

Welcome to your life
There's no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behaviour
Turn your back on mother nature

Everybody wants to rule the world

It's my own design
It's my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever

-Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears

Roomie says...

I want to regret the things I DO, not the things I DON'T do.

You can see where this is going. So I should know better. And I almost managed to...Timbuctoo's girlfriend is away and will be back August 12 or so....so I almost made it. But boy did I fail last night. Oh my.

I'm not even sure how it happened. But on the walk home from the bar, we were already discussing it with me saying "go home, I'm only so strong" and him just sorta coming along with me....and then we stopped on someone else's doorstop to talk about it. And it was getting harder. I probably would have made it if if weren't for the fact that I wanted to go home so bad.

So eventually we got to my house. And sat on the couch...at which point I realized that roomie wakes up constantly in the night (it was 4:30am) and dragged him into my room. The rest is history as they say.

And it was very interesting, to say the least. . .

Living soap opera

So I guess I've kinda been hoping that I could distract myself from Timbuctoo with Cody. Which was a great plan until just before we went to the movie the other night. Roomie and I were on our way to a book club meeting and she was as angry and distressed as I've ever seen her. She told me that a friend of hers at home was seeing this guy she used to date on and off. And she was totally pissed. She had told this girl not to date her friends, and she had done it anyway. And she was going crazy cuz this girl kept wanting to talk about it and then avoiding her, and just being stupid. Anyway, moral of the story is that suddenly Roomie hates the idea of her friends dating...I wondered if she was making up the story just to give me a hint...I don't know...but I definitely felt chastened...

if only life were like the movies

I'm feeling rather blah about life right now...so I'm not being productive which makes me feel more blah.

Here's why. I've been busy trying to get things done for my webmaster job and for my research, and so I haven't had time to study any arabic...which is making me want to call Lebanon even less...which is making me feel awful. And it seems that the only time that Mr. M calls is when I'm asleep and I have yet to actually get to the phone before it stops ringing...I guess I should send him an email, but I just don't seem to have the get up and go. Mostly because we really have nothing to talk about. Grr.

Also, I'm realizing that I am such a drama queen that I need to take stock of my life. I am currently fighting a crush on a boy who is so completely unavailable that I shouldn't even know his name. I know he's been with his girlfriend for years...and Pop said something that made me more sure that he's not hitting on me...he said that after you've been with someone a long time you get to know them and so things that appear dangerous to strangers don't seem dangerous to you because you trust them and know what is ACTUALLY dangerous behavior. Thank goodness for Pop and his down-to-earthedness. On the other hand, I chatted on msn with Timbuctoo for like two hours last night. And it was a pretty deep conversation. He was pretty complimentary, but not in a creepy way...though I can't say it was in a completely-not-hitting-on-me way either. Grr.

I went to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith tonight. Something I've been attempting for ages. Last week when out with Cody and pals, one of Cody's pals said he would like to go and had a car, so we made loose plans to go sometime this week. Then one of my new girl friends said she'd be interested in going so tonight I messaged and phoned Cody about it. And of course invited him too. Cuz really, he's the one I wanted to see, though I'm supressing that fact. Anyway, I of course invited roomie too, but she was totally uninterested in the movie. But I felt weird telling her who I was going with and it was pretty much the same time as she was raging about a friend of hers in C-town who was now dating a guy she had dated and how mad she was about the snafu. Yikes. He's really cute, really articulate, and really nice....he msn'ed me when we got home from the movie and I actually msn'ed with him for like an hour and a half yesterday. Though he doesn't quite hold a candle to Timbuctoo....he's better looking but not a better athlete, I'm sure. Grr..

So I think this means I'm pathetic. Grr. I mean seriously, I need to just move on.