almost, almost, push!

Ok....two days to go....I've started into that phase where you don't feel stressed or excited...you're just kinda numb about the whole trip.

I spent more money today but I was highly productive about it.

And thought about Codie whenever I was bored.

Roomie called me first when she got back to North America. I was so happy to hear from her. And she was clearly happy to talk to me....I hope she isn't too upset that I broke her favorite mug :(....I better remember to find her a new one.

Now I'm tired.

There goes something

It's amazing how the drama junkie in me is insatiable. Sometimes my mind should not be left alone with itself. Specifically, today I met with roomie's first fling here to learn about how to work my camera (which he sold me cuz he works in a camera store). Let's call him codie. Roomie has mentioned a few times that she really felt like me and codie were better suited. To this I adamantly responded with a nonchalant, "oh ya? whatever"...completely ready to deny any attraction to said male. Sadly, a total lie.

But I've been through dating your friend's ex. Bad, bad, bad. And I'm totally unwilling to do it again. I'm actually at a stage in my life where I mean it when I say the friendship is more important.

Incidentally that totally sucks because she is more right than I ever thought. Not only is he well spoken, but he's highly masculine without being a jerk. And he is a semi-computer geek. Seriously, I had a really really great time. Which is so sad.

I have to be careful, I remember last time I was drinking with him and friends (and not roomie)...I had to really work hard not to hit on him...we click pretty well I think (either that or he's just uber uber nice and friendly)...

But I think he knows we have good chemistry...sadly (or well, maybe it's a good thing) I think he MAY have wanted to let our evening continue a bit....that's a big MAY....but I totally didn't catch the invite so...whatever....it's totally a better thing cuz I definitely don't want to fall for this guy. . . but maybe, maybe I can THINK about it. :) ....what do you think?

last day at uni

Many unremarkable things happened today. But just because I like to talk about my day....today was my last day at the Uni until July. Wow. Stressful trying to get everything done...but it's done. I may not get to look at the data for my lineup study until I get back, but hey, whatever. I don't think I care much.

My supervisor again wowed me with his unbelievable generosity: he said he would try and get some money for me for the summer, which he forgot about until this week...so he said he's just giving me some money (plenty), but that he can probably give me more when I get back. Seriously, he's too kind.

I mean, ok, I need to pay off my debt, but I guess I feel like I should be punished for my rather poor (though not absurd) spending habits. And I feel sorta bad too because I got a TAship and this money, and other people get none. Pluse I've applied for a bursary for people who need money...and while I do need money, I clearly feel as though I don't need/deserve it as much as others...

that said, I did discover the my student loan debt which I was so excited to discover was only $16000 is actually well over $30000....I missed counting a loan. How depressing. Anyway, the point is that my supervisor is really, really nice. And I know that he's being a great role model too because I'm always going to remember how much it meant to me that he helped me out.

And, my supervisor also submitted my annual report today. Part of the procedure is for me to review his comments and discuss them with him. The thing is is that he said nothing but nice things. Which is great...but so hard to hear. I mean I'm happy but I genuinely feel like I don't deserve it. The modesty monster strikes again. I guess...I don't know. Though I am happy to report that under "areas needing improvement" he clearly wrote "none". It's nice to hear that people think well of you, it's just hard to really believe I guess...

Seriously

...I feel like such a terrible person today. My mom sent me a birthday card and it was really cute...very very sweet. But the thing that made me absolutely hate myself was the fact that she had sent me a $10 gift card. I mean what am I doing spending $600 on a camera when my mom can't even afford to buy me a birthday present.

I'm totally upside down on this. I mean, yes I've worked to have a better standard of living. But I'm also in debt...and I do owe my mom and her husband some money. But I don't actually have cash to pay them back with right now. And I kinda have to pay off my Visa and line of credit first...

But I think I do live beyond my means. I mean this trip is costing me a fortune. I didn't need new pajamas really. I mean I kinda did. But I probably could have got by with one set, versus three...even if they were cheap.

And not only that, it kills me to hear my mom talk about not having money...she really does live without a lot of things, while I am too lazy to save money by preparing my own meals. I feel lousy. Every time I think about my mom and how sad her life is, I want to just die....I just need to get less wrapped up in "things"...I mean for a long time I did stop buying things...but now I'm back to expensive products, DVDs, food....And I hate myself for it.

I know there are two things: I could get out of debt and be miserable while I do it or I could be in debt a bit longer and be happy with my life. I've always said the latter was better, but I feel like I need to spend less still.

Sigh. I'm not a bad person but I feel like such a louse.

There are flamingos on my legs

I can't wait till I figure out how my camera works. I went shopping today for my trip and got new pajamas...and i got green pants with flamingos. Fun!

dum di dum

I got a digital camera today! God it was expensive.

Also, I think I sprained three fingers playing soccer today. And I played kinda crappy too. Anyway, I'm not complaining.....

Tommorrow I'm gonna take my first picture. And it's gonna be of my toes.

Weapon Focus

Hey folks, not that Gerald asked really, but I thought y'all might want to hear a bit more about my research. My masters thesis is going to be on the Weapon Focus Effect. This is not nearly as exotic as it sounds...or maybe it is and I've just been studying it for too long. Anyway, here goes:

the Weapon Focus Effect is a tendency for people (witnesses) to a crime involving a weapon to have poorer memory for things around them than people who witness a crime WITHOUT a weapon. So the idea is that the weapon is central (and maybe also the person holding it) and everything else in a scene is peripheral. If you ask people to tell you about the scene or give them some other kind of memory test, they will have poorer recall of peripheral things than central, whereas people who view a scene without a weapon will have fairly equivalent recall of central and peripheral things. Basically, people FOCUS on the weapon to the exclusion of other things.

Research in this area is looking at the role of fear, emotion, experience, arousal etc. as factors influencing how "focused" one is on a weapon. It's interesting stuff....

I want to want

So I think I have finally accepted something about myself. I was getting all gussied up for the day this morning and I was thinking about Jesse. And I kinda missed him but not really. And it kinda hit me that I didn't REALLY miss HIM. I just want someone to want. I feel bored without someone to pine for or to at least try to win over.

So when I'm too busy to dream about boys then I don't miss anyone. Ha. Ridiculous.

I mean what is it about love that makes it so....so.....incorrigible....I mean I really believe that I would throw everything away for love. I mean it. And it's ridiculous. I mean true and everlasting love, ok, of course. But romantic love is so easy to throw things away for....because its romantic. I love to be tortured by love. That's why I can't get enough romantic comedies in my life....

I wonder what it would be like to be a member of a culture that didn't value romantic love so much....one where arranged marriages were not uncommon. Or one where ideals such as dying for your country were more....common.

good things, bad things

Today qualifies as one of those days were things aren't quite good but they aren't quite bad. I slept lots (good) but I really didn't get any work done (bad). I saw Star Wars (great!) but I also bought four new DVDs (bad).

It's funny easy it is to forget the good and dwell on the bad. But I think today I wanna talk about good. Another good thing is that I sent my supervisor a progress report on Friday. He emailed me back tonight. First I sent him my ACTUAL masters proposal and he said it showed "an excellent depth of theoretical consideration". Wow! That felt good. Ironically he followed by attributing this to the fact that I took a memory course, but I completed the thesis prior to the course....which means the "excellent depth" was me before the course. Can't wait to show him my final paper for that course...it's on how the weapon focus effect (topic of my thesis) could be illuminated as a memory or attention effect. He's gona love it....if my prof ever gets back to me with comments.

nap-errific

Oh wow, I just had the greatest nap ever. I totally should be working but it was awesome. I'm going to play football at 1:00 so work is totally out of the question. Ah I feel good. And my friend Frizzy called and woke me up, which is cool cuz it feels good to have friends.

I think I felt a little left out that roomie had Frizzy and Stylish on her msn and I didn't And while I was talking to Frizzy and loading my computer I discovered she had added me to her list. This is nice. I like not always being the asker.

So my old roomie's band (Suburban Pop Project) playin in town last night. They have underwear as part of thier merchandise. Bizzarre but fun. They're a totally cool bunch of people and play totally cool music so I was sad that there was a really small crowd and that the sound guy totally didn't show up to set them up until their third last song. They sounded way better after that. Jerk. Oh well. I bought a CD which made them happy and I'm really excited to listen to it.

In other news, my house is almost sterilized but the day after I bleached my cupboard an ant walked majestically across them so I guess the only answer is ant traps...but at least their presence is starting to lose its shock value.

Live and learn

Highlights:

1. when you're aching all over, it's hard to feel bad for yourself when you're watching Brenda Milner give a talk. Wow! She had her PhD before my mum was born and she is lecturing across the nation.
2. Tetanus shot = bad idea. ouch
3. Ants are gross...and won't go away
4. if you insist on throwing yourself in front of a soccer ball people will be fooled into thinking you have talent. They may even offer you a spot on their team plus offer to teach you how to actually play. I'm going to be very tired this summer....but happy :)
5. sometimes you just gotta do nothing. Tonight is one of those nights....so sleepy

my bed is gonna dump me because it isn't getting any attention

Ok, in all honesty I feel like I've been hit by a truck. My tetanus booster was even less fun than the other two...I think it's interacting with the fact that my body is stiffening up because of that soccer game...you should see me walking around. You'd swear I was 50.

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by life right now. I keep hearing these great songs I want to put on my blog, but I'm so busy I don't have time to stop and write down there names and they're long gone from my memory by the time I get to my computer.

All this subject-running is killing me. It's so frustrating when the eyetracker won't work so I have to calibrate for like 15 minutes. And then pay people more. Ag. I mean it's really really reinforcing when it works on the first try, but when it doesn't...ag.

Went to a singles night last night, which is why I'm so beat. Toronto. Holt-Renfrew. Totally fun. A saleswoman insisted I needed $450 Chanel sunglasses. I was inclined to agree but luckily I remembered that I'm a grad student and don't own ANYTHING worth that much. Good food. Good drinks. They had people giving massages, doin hair (you shoulda seen how big my hair was), doin makeup. Lavalife was there doing a promo where you stuck a number on your back and people could text message it. Kinda neat but no one really did it.

Anyway, I'm late as usual. More ranting and raving to come.

Lyric of the week, not the weak.

This may seem ironic given my recent spree of complaining but I love it anyway.

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Nope...
Sorry...
Nothin'

.......

My give a damn's busted

-My give a damn's busted by Jodee Messina

not the entomologist

Ok, this bug thing is a bit much. Picture this: I was sooooooo tired last night at 2am after getting up at 7am that day and running subjects all day and then working on my annual report...knowing I had to get up at 7am again the next day. Finally, I am done, I throw back my covers to climb into bed......AND OUT SCURRIES ANOTHER TERRRIFYING RED BUG!!!!!!!

For the love of all things not creepy crawly. Help me. I was so tired and now my bed was the scariest place in the house. I called Pop.

Slowly but surely I stripped the bed. And not finding anything I RAIDed my room and sat down on the couch for an hour...I dozed for about half an hour and woke at 3:30am even more tired than before...I put fresh sheets on the bed. Moved the bed as far from the registers (possible bug homes) as possible and crawled into bed also as far from the registers as possible. I proceeded to sleep with my back to them too.

And then, and then, as if that's not enough, there was an ant on my counter this morning. I hate it here. I wanna go home. ARRG.

Eyetracking II

More interesting about eyetracking is what I'm doing with it. My area is eyewitness memory. In this study we are showing people video clips of crimes and then having them pick the thief out of a lineup.

We are hoping to learn about the strategies people use when doing a lineup so that we can make more fair lineups. Specifically, in this experiment, participants sometimes see a really easy lineup (the perp with a bunch of people that are different ages, ethnicities, hair colors) and sometimes they see a more fair lineup (the perp with a bunch of people with the same hair color, face shape, ethnicity, look like him).

The idea is to find out if they immediately pick out the perp or if they compare the perp with all other faces, or if they spend equal time evaluating each, or compare all faces, or whatever....only the eyetracker will tell.

Tally-ho!

Ridiculous Fact #13

Today's fact is brought to you by the word "obvious".

Today's fact: Debt sucks.

Eyetracking

This is cool stuff. The idea is that we can learn about attention by knowing where people are looking.

Our eyetracker is an Eyelink II. We track a person's pupils by shining a very weak infrared light in them that is reflected onto the screen they are looking at and detected by these little detecter-thingies...sorry, I don't know what they are exactly. They sit on the four corners of the screen.

Anyway, we put this headgear on the participants with a camera pointing at each eye. I spend forever trying to get the cameras correctly placed (I'm getting faster but arm the camera sits on has three degrees of freedon, and the camera has two - yikes) and then have them stare at dots on the screen so we can calibrate the machine.

Finally, we show them a movie or a picture and ask them questions or get them to make key press responses to things on screen.

Eventually, though I haven't got to this part yet. We take the text file of data from the participant and translate it into something useful...like where a participant looked over a certain period of time or how often a participant looked at a particular object.

Questions welcome :)

today

So I am having a marvelously productive day. I just graded ten assignments asking whether the Turing Test is a sufficient test of whether a computer can think. Great question. I welcome anyone's answers. This is a really fun topic.

Anyway, I thought today was gonna suck. I just wasn't into grading this morning, but here I am: 12:20 and done!

Unfortunately, last night was not so good. I nearly had a panic attack when I walked into my bathroom, sat down, and saw the biggest damn but I've ever seen in my life. And the scariest. It was red. And had about a million legs and long things sticking out of it and it was like two inches long. I freaked out and attached decisively with the Raid.

I then proceeded to spend fifteen minutes babbling to my best friend. I'm creating a phobia of bugs in my self. This is terrible.

Oh ya, about yesterday

My battery pack on my lap top decided it didn't want to play fair anymore and so my laptop only sometimes was charging which was very, very alarming. But I went to Future Shop today and they are ordering me a new one. Excellent...hope I get it before I leave or I am in poo.

Administrations....hmmm....throbbing brain can't remember this one...but I think it was important...hmmmmm....oh wait...it's coming back. The course I'm TAing for. This goes hand in hand with the evils of email. The stupid, annoying, though very nice admin peopled didn't send out our welcome letters until two days after we sent them....LATE ON THE DAY STUDENTS HAD TO HAND IN ASSINGMENTS TO THIER TAS....I am so sick of receiving emails to my personal email account from concerned students that I want to throw my computer at the administration at the correspondence office. I mean really, they knew it was a short term. All they had to do was post a message saying not to worry if they didn't get their TAs name and email address until late. Yeesh.....now, that said, on to the next annoyance...the prof of the course put my and the other TAs PERSONAL addresses on the course outline. They shouldn't have even had those. So it's pretty much his fault. ASSHOLE....and when we mentioned it in our meeting he said..."well, students should have your personal email address". WHAT THE ^&^&&*^(*^&*^& for I ask you? Seriously, I could have thrown my computer at him right then and there. That jerk. Uhm....privacy. Uhm major inconvenience..uhm absolutely NO benefit to the student..uhm, absolutely positively a dumb dumb idea.

Ok, done ranting. But seriously, I'm so mad. He probably has this dumb idea that we can't check our course email address as easily as our personal address...which isn't true. And if that's not it, I can't fathom the reasoning at all. Ok, really, done.

This week I started running an eyetracking study and I'm starting to get the hang of it. Felt good. And I realized something neat: I was enjoying running subjects. That never happens to me. But the challenge of setting up the eyetracker properly really got me going. Sweet.

Cellphones..cellphones...memory failure....ah well, until tommorrow.

die ants die

AHHHHH...my head is killing me. I know, you think it's cuz my house is swimming in Raid. But it's not true. I left when I sprayed and didn't return for many, many hours....ahhhhh...my head!

Oh well, I'm going to bed and it will go away....and I would like to proudly report that despite my throbbing brain, I was able to schedule 23 people to participate in my study next week. Each and everyone who replied to my posting. Yay for me. AND I managed to schedule them so I have Wednesday and Friday free right now, with the other days fully booked. Boo-ya!....(this is good because I can send an email out again if need be saying I have slots for those days OR spend those days filming pilot stuff...just makes my life simpler....).

Had a lovely time with Pop. I missed hanging out with him...it's been a long time....he's busy with conference and mini-master prep and I'm always busy...but anyway, had a good time.

My apartment didn't even smell too bad when I got home, so I'm giving today a rating of 4 on the aggravation scale. G'night world.

Raid is my friend

So I should be blogging about yesterday right now but instead I'm waiting for Pop to come over so we can leave my apartment while all the ants die....at least I hope all of them die.

It started about a month ago. I saw an ant. And then another one.

And then yesterday I saw a very big, very upsetting ant.

Today I bought some Raid. I was talking to Pop on the phone thinking not of ants nor Raid when I saw three of them. And then another one and nearly lost my mind. I attacked quickly and thoroughly spraying Raid without mercy. Apparently when ants are directly sprayed with Raid they die a rather horrible death that involves the writhing of thier appendages...and in death they are a little shrivelled. The conversation with Pop was disrupted.

Now he's here. More later.

worlds and worlds of words to say

So i have a million things I want to think and write about right now but I'm so tired I'm gonna fall over.....this is a list to me to think/write about tommorrow:

- my laptop's powerpack....grrrrrrrr
- administrations..........[teeth bared]
- respect for others' privacy......
- the horrors of email and Microsoft Outlook
- Camel, the eyetracking superstar in training
- why I love cellphones

....only 17 more days till I, Camel go overseas to collapse happily on a beach!!!

been doin stuff

Wow, two whole days without blogging....I'm slipping. Nah, I'm just running around like a semi-lucid chicken.

I bought soccer gear last night. Expensive, but I look so kick ass in it. I love looking like I'm gonna kick some ass. Speaking of which, I NAILED a ball in practice today. Felt GOOD.

Went to the country music night at our local bar. ZERO males who could two-step, but me and my pal got to teach each other line dances at least. It was still super fun. And I needed the break...that said, no prolific statements tonight...must go to bed.

I ran my first subjects in my eyetracking study today. Details to follow....I know, you can hardly wait.

ooh ah

I got immunized today. I hadn't planned on it, it just happened. I'm a little poorer...and a lot sorer. Let it be known that a typhoid vaccine is not "fun." And while the disease I'm sure is less "fun, " the vaccination is even less "fun" when administered in combination with "Hep A vaccine in the other arm" and soccer practice the night before. Consider yourself warned.

Roomie leaves tommorrow for Sweden. I'm gonna miss her. :(

Camel with a soccer ball

Ok, lemme talk about soccer practice. I've never really played soccer...just in high school gym class. But I've come to realize that I'm a lot more athletic than I ever knew I was. I just happened to live in a place where EVERYONE was athletic. I apparently was a star goalie today, on my first try. Of course that's an overstatement since it was my first time playing, really ever. But still, it's nice to know that athleticism transfers. And it was fun. I really enjoyed running around....though during the scrimmage I really didn't do much of that at all....being goalie....but let's face it...I'm always good at goal....

That said, it makes me nervous cuz a kid in our town just died after being injured playing soccer. He was in grade 12, playing goal and went to grab the ball....someone was going to kick, tried to avoid him and hit him in the head with their knee. The poor kid was suspected of a broken neck but later died of internal injuries. Senseless. Tragic. Terrifying.

And given that my brain works on a "glory-first, body-later" principle, I need to start training myself to be a little more conscientious. I didn't even make it through my first scrimmage without a (minor) injury of my classic scraped knee.

daily I sit nibbling...

It's hard to believe one person can be so neurotic. Really. It's like I'm incapable of enjoying myself. Seriously. My blood pressure currently feels pretty out of control. And it may or may not be a coincidence that I haven't been remembering to take the bp pills that are part of the drug study I am involved in to see if they prevent eye problems.

Ah, just another complaint. My fingernails can't keep up. Anyway, things that are happening that I and probably no one else care about:

• I will be in Lebanon in 3 weeks!
• We had our first soccer practice
• I have lost all ability to give a damn about boys
• I am sick of recieving emails from students in this darn class I am TAing
• I'm not sleeping well
• I now have a work study student of my very own
• I have schedule sessions so I am gonna run this damn study if it kills me

Lyrics of the week

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it's the only thing that I have

-Peices by Sum 41-

learning to live again

Ok, so yesterday rocked. I FINALLY FINALLY got a line of credit and paid off my VISA!!! Hurray. I mean I'm still in debt but that majorly drops my interest and payment responisbilities.

Also, I got my hair cut into the style I have been growing my hair into for the last few months. It looks hot. I love it. Yay!

My friend's house warming party was totally fun. As usual, the next day I was wondering how dumb I seemed but whatever, I had a good time. Point of fact, there are two boys on the team that I'm attracted to. Both with girlfriends, sadly. One, notsoquiet, I believe I recall protested my leaving early (tired and drunk)....but I'm not going anywhere near that on.

In less happy news, D has a girlfriend and so despite his flirtations clearly is not bf material. Disappointing but I think I am more mortified about emailing BM than I am about finding out he's unavailable. I'm such a dork.

I bought new underwear today. I shouldn't have spent the money but I got awesome awesome deals. And I feel much happier. And I spent the day shopping with roomie and MlovesMovies and it was totally fun.

Anyway, gotta go clean up the house cuz we're going to a party and people are coming here first.

I think

that if AL wasn't with her boyfriend I'd be hitting on him.

that RM is kinda hot.

that I wish D would tell BM that he wanted my email address/phone number.

Ah boys. Need something to obsess over.

I had a good day. I'll tell you about it tommorrow.

Topher Grace is still cute

And today wins the best on screen kiss award. Seriously. Nice work. I had to watch it twice.

Incidentally, if you're wondering, check out, of all things, the sappy romantic comedy "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton"

And as a special bonus feature...My favorite movie "spill your guts about your feelings" scenes of all time are:

1. Win a date with Tad Hamilton - when Topher remembers what he was gonna say [after Kate Bosworth tells Topher she's going to LA with Tad Hamilton]
2. While you were sleeping - When Sandra objects [at the altar about to marry Bill Pullman's brother]
3. Sliding Doors - When John Hannah must buy a thesaurus [when John Hannah and Gwyneth Paltrow are in the boat at night]
4. Life or Something Like it - when Angelina admits she's trying to have sex with Ed Burns [in the conversation in the jeep after they drop of Ed Burns' son]
5. Boys and Girls - when Freddie Prinze kisses Claire Forlani [after Claire Forlani freaks out in the coffee shop]

Living again

Ok, the paper isn't done but it's pretty much done. Done enough that I will hopefully only need to edit it. And I can start the ABSURDLY long to do list that must be completed in the next three weeks. In the words of Douglas Adams:

DON'T PANIC

Also I saw the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy today. Not bad. Arthur was well cast.

I also saw the cute boy again today. He DID flirt with me lots but he DIDN'T ask for my number. But that might have been my fault. I have a hard time knowing what too obvious is so I err on the side of too subtle. Bah.

I also chatted with the Firefighter today. And it's official. I feel nothing. I mean I like the guy but I wasn't excited. I was worried about the time that I should have been spending with my paper. Darn. But it's his own fault.

in other news

I got the webmaster job. Hurray for me! I really didn't think I'd get it. Since they said they'd let us know Friday and cuz, well, I just figured someone more qualified would apply. Yay!

Almost a beautiful moment with a stranger

So I was at the library today and I sat down at the same table as this guy reading a book on dermatology. He looked vaguely attractive, but whatever. Anyway, after about an hour and a half I gave up trying to work because I had a massive headache since I hadn't eaten all day. I thought I had better check my blood sugar to see if I needed to grab a snack before I headed home.

And then suddenly there was a beautiful smile and a lot of freckles in front of me.

So this guy is a med student (ok, obviously) and was very curious since he hadn't done his endocrinology module yet. So I showed him stuff and we chatted a bit. Turns out he knows some people I go to school with.

I kinda got the impression he was interested in me, though to be perfectly honest I can't imagine what would have piqued his interest. He made a point of saying he'd be in the same place if I was back another day.

In all honesty I coulda stayed and chatted with his beautiful smile all night if it hadn't been for my blood sugar and my headache.

And I remember thinking how studying with this guy at the table and almost no one else around had been really nice....so almost a beautiful moment with a stranger...but instead, well, maybe not a stranger....I have to go back to the library tommorrow...

I should be sleeping

but blogging is too important. So just a few musings on the day.

Thank God again for my co-supervisor. The motivator, the mentor, the kind and understanding soul.
Thank God for my best friend. She listens to me ramble.
Thank God for finally giving my mother the balls to fight for herself. And it's also very nice that she's starting to follow logic too.
Thank God for Smiley who spent an hour and a half asking the right questions so my paper has a shot at being done this century.

In other news, my best friend is an aunt again.....yay!...and I cut my finger open on the plastic top on a container of cashews.

the answer is "relax"

it seems my productivity is suffering because I can't seem to concentrate cuz I'm busy worrying about things. Let this stop.