some girls do

It's always amazing just how stubborn I am. Listening, watching myself as my mom trys to be helpful. I know she can't be helpful, but that doesn't mean I need to be rude or negative. I worked hard today to be patient on the phone. Sigh. Why is life so hard?

What a terrible day. I still haven't got my paper back from my supervisor. AND I found out that the seven hours of work I put in between last night and this morning was a total waste of time because there's still a problem with my files. Sigh.

And then Supervisor2 who is always trying to be nice forced me to sit in his office while he told me not to worry and to relax. So of course I started crying. I hate that. I really didn't want to but there is something about people showing genuine concern that turns me into a bloody faucet. I hate it so much.

Anyway, this day has been frustrating, disheartening, and all things bad. I'm tired, I'm menstrual, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I'm sick of this.

the end is near,...i hope

Well, the paper will be done soon. By hook or crook. I'm tired. I'm unmotivated. I'm stressed to the max. Too much sports, too much partying, too many things to worry about.

My birthday was great but I didn't have time to talk about it. I wish I had. Kudos to my friends for making it one to remember.

This has been a really tough month. I'm trying to stay on top of the paper....get it done for the end of the month but it is just so hard slogging through. I'm fighing. I won't get to go visit k and k for the long weekend which sucks but I think it will be good having everyone gone through it. I won't be distracted so I can put some polish on the paper and do all the little things that I have been putting off cuz I don't want to do them...

Sigh. Timbuctoo is killing me. His gf is away and so I am spending the evenings with him which is nice but yesterday he said somethign along the lines of "I wish you could come to my staff bbq and I wish you could come to my cousin's keg party, you'd have so much fun!". And I just kept thinking that its his fault. And I sincerely hope he realizes it. Sigh.

Anyway, on the positive side, I got a fantastic pair of shoes to wear out on my birthday.
Also, Smiley got me a plastic flamingo for my birthday. Hurray! Best beer bong ever! We christened her Estelle at a bbq this weekend. What fun!

you're beautiful

i have to say that my life feels only mildly out of control right now. Unfortunately, i feel a mite too lazy to do anything so that control is being ignored somewhat.

Everything is in flux. Here's a list of things I'm feeling right now. It's a wonder my head doesn't explode:

1. Frustration with not being able to talk to Timbuctoo about kids
2. Frustration with Timbuctoo because I can't see him more often because this is all a big dumb secret
3. Stressed about getting this paper written and published
4. Stressed about organizing my data properly and usefully
5. Stressed about sounding dumb to my supervisors
6. Annoyed that I am spending so much money on beer
7. Weary of working so much
   
8. Bored of organizing data
9. Annoyed that I am not working on the database calendar thingy I should have finished in April
10. Ashamed that I haven't been doing my workouts
11. Sore from finally working out last week
12. Worried about my blood sugars
13. Scared that Timbuctoo will choose to stay with his gf because I have to finish my PhD when I don't know if I do
14. Frustrated that I don't know if I want to do my PhD
15. Excited about softball with the fun team in the other town
16. Scared about soccer
17. Excited about soccer
18. Anxious about hockey

sigh. I wish things would even out. I just want to have Timbcutoo's undivided attention for a few hours so I can tell him how I feel about kids and school. I just want to know he knows how I feel about it and then I don't have to feel worried. I want him to make a decision but I am terrified to cut things off between us in the meantime because I feel like that would just give him an excuse to not make a decision.

you're the other side of the world to me

the world rolls along filled with bitter and unfulfilled me.






In a fit of spontaneity and irresponsibility I bought new nail polish.

Soccer is life. Hockey is depressing....rollie gone for the series?! Oh dear!