creased

Today I feel annoyed. I did almost no work and had almost no desire to do work. Plus I scraped my arm and am feeling like I want to be single. I hate this. I hate this.

I don't know what to do with myself any more. I need Timbuctoo to be here or be gone. I hate this in between.

Bah. Why are things so complicated. I don't want to complain about him. That's not why I feel cranky today. I feel cranky today because I am frustrated with my paper. So frustrated I don't even want to write about it. I hate that.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Where is Jaxx? Maybe part of my mild obsession with him is related to the fact that because I can only talk to him when I'm pretending my life is a little different, that I can pretend away all of the thins that make me unhappy....a nice little bubble of utopia. Poor Jaxx. I know he's a real person who doesn't deserve to be a part of my fantasy world. I know he could never be perfect.

I need to find some peace.

And I need to not give any thought to what it would be like to be with someone who is the complete opposite of Timbuctoo (I'm thinking Mr. Greene...Frizzy's right...he's awesome...it's absurd that he's single...and we totally hit it off).........sigh....I'm so old.....how can I be this frisky? Why do I feel unprepared for commitment? Is it because he's not committed? God I hope so....I can't take much more of this.

today

Today I should be moving onto my next comps topic (language) but instead I am STILL working on attention....I need more time!

drama queen

I feel it today...that desperation....not quite for drama...but for attention.

I should be patient. Though God knows I've been more than patient already. Whenn I ask myself if he deserves me keeping my options open, the answer is yes....but when I ask myself if he deserves me actively increasing my interaction with Jaxx, the answer is no. But I still really want to.

Is it just Jaxx? Or is it me? I feel like when I meant Timbuctoo that I made a big deal out of it, how great we were together and how much I felt for him. That hasn't changed. I still want him with me and am sad when he isn't. The difference is that I am frustrated by his inability to make the final move, fearful that I am wrong about us (though at the same time, sure I am not), and worst of all, so at peace when I'm with Jaxx.

The great thing about hanging out with Jaxx (and his friends) is that I don't have to worry about what my friends are thinking or about not mentioning Timbuctoo the wrong way (they don't know him really). And Jaxx makes me laugh....and he is smart and opinionated so being around him isn't boring. I guess that's part of it. Timbuctoo is not boring but when he's with me, it's just me and him. I can sit on the patio with Jaxx and company and just laugh the evening away.

But it's more than that. I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that the stoic sadness in his eyes when we part doesn't make me want to pull him to me and squeeze. When our eyes meet, I have a hard time looking away. There's this quiet passion to him that takes my breath away. And hanging out with him, it's intoxicating. I really do just like being around him. He hints very infrequently and very subtly that he would still be with me if I wanted him to, or give me a private concert if I wanted one and I feel like a horrible person when I take these things lightly and laugh them off.

I enjoyed our night together and I'm sorry that he and I never had a chance to be together. He's not Timbuctoo, I KNOW that Timbuctoo is the person I want to grow old with. But I do truly wish that I had had a chance to explore Jaxx and his passion.

Intoxicating.