seriously...you're killing me.

So. Today I found yet another error in my data. Yup. Yet another. What this really amounts to is meaning my thesis reports the wrong results for two its major measures. Great. Shoot me in the head. I mean it doesn't matter, but I have to live with knowing that my thesis is completely wrong. I hate eyetracking. Really, its not like I haven't been diligent or thorough. It's that there is too much that can bloody go wrong and there's so many things that have to analysed and recoded that you can't check everything ten times. Arg. In fact, I'd have never noticed this if not for the fact that we decided to do yet another analysis to try and help out the publication version. I realized that the counts didn't add up and lo and behold, some column references were off.....fuck. I hate eyetracking.

Both supervisors were totally unconcerned. Both laughed in fact. And SupervisorK, the intensely awesome human being he is, just said "great. These results are much better." and when I scowled and said I was sick of finding errors he said "ya, but that's what I like about you. You find them." Sigh. He really is the nicest human being ever. It made a big difference to my peace of mind knowing that they conisdiered this a minor issue...

Anyway, bit the crap out of my finger nails today. And lots is going on. But now I need to go to bed cuz I worked 13 hours straight today.

Petty LoserVille

Wow. Talk about getting screwed. Timbuctoo just let me know today that apparently the girl from our ball team who is managing our dodgeball team doesn't like me....just extrapolating from the fact that our BALL team was putting in a dodgeball team and despite at least three emails from Timbuctoo indicating I was in, she has just told him "I don't think there's room for her". The rudeness is astounding.

I'm fine with people not liking me...when they have some reason its even better. But this is really too much. First of all, Timbuctoo was the one to suggest we recruit more people than JUST our ball team so we wouldn't be short players. AND she's been recruiting people furiously both on and off the team...and people are interested so she's started worrying there'd be too many....but of course there's not room for a team member, when there's 5 new people on the team. Ridiculous. And of course it took how long for her to come out and at least SAY she doesn't want me on the team...in a roundabout way at least.

Seriously, what a total high school joke. I mean if she didn't want me on the team she shoulda said something so that I could have played on another team. I had been invited to play on another team and turned it down cuz our BALL TEAM was putting in a team. Bitch.

I suspect the reason she doesn't like me is because I have disagreed with her on some things....things of absolutely no consequence like whether another team was a bunch of assholes (beating us does not make them assholes) or about whether everyone should play catcher or just the girls rotate through (or something like that)....I mean really, is that the kinda thing that leads you to dislike someone? If your an adult? Sad.

So I'm disappointed for two reasons. 1. Since I have no indoor soccer anymore, this was the only sport I had going. 2. It was an opportunity for Timbuctoo and I to hang out, which may not happen any more. 3. I like playing with the people on our team.

I feel a little bitter at her too because if Timbuctoo doesn't play (on principle) then he also has no activity. And he really needs that. So I can go play with another team (MAYBE, if they aren't all full), but then I have to play against people who I should be playing with. Clearly they don't have a problem with me.

Timbuctoo is pissed. And maybe, just maybe this will work out, but i doubt it. He was gonna send an email reminding her that this was a dodgeball team from our ball team, and that perhaps if we have too many players we should be dropping new players. But really, who wants to play with someone like that anyway.

Also, the league emailed him today to see if he wanted to put in a team. He didn't respond by the deadline of course cuz he hadn't gotten the email from the wretched girl but he sent one later asking if he could let them know tommorrow. So maybe, maybe, if NiceGuy feels like managing a team, Timbuctoo, Me, Junior, and NiceGuy, and DirtyJ I expcect will jump the good ship PettyLoserVille and have our own team. But I'm not holding my breath.

Anyway, not impressed. Why are adults so rarely adults? I am sorry to hear that she feels this way, but I'm glad to know. Either way I will never play a sport with her again. High school, all over again. Pathetic.

Go Mom! Go K!

So Monday I helped mom type up a resume and today she got a job. I'm bursting with pride....I couldn't be prouder...i don't even know what to say.

And then I called my dad today to wish him happy birthday and we had a nice conversation. He sounded so happy and proud. I felt so good about it.

And last but not least, K1 graduated top of her class....it is so exciting to feel pride in someone else. I'm bursting. She deserves it and I wish I could say HA! to all those people who got in the year she didn't. She's great.

So many happy feelings right now...I hope the world doesn't come crashing down suddenly.

lump in throat

I was surprised to learn this weekend that despite the time and distraction, i still feel something for a bf of long ago, I think I called him Jeremy or Jonathan or something in the past...let's go with Curly. Curly burned me, and it was my own fault. In retrospect, it would never have worked, we wanted different mates than each other, we just didn't know it at the time.

And at the time, I reacted like a big loser....since then joining the world of adults and learning to face the truth.

Last year I happened to be on a list of people he replied an email to....one of those forwards where you answer questions about yourself....where I learned he was engaged ....and apparently to a tall beautiful blond doctor....ouch...it stung, but given the insight of maturity, I was ok...

But KandK mentioned that she had up and left for no reason recently...and he was a mess...but is doing better now having met another doctor in hickville, CA. And yet, it still shook me. Less...but it still left me pensive. K1 says he's in love with being in love...and I wondered if I suffered the same afflicition.....I don't know how i'd feel if I saw him....but in truth I hope when I do that it is with a Timbuctoo who is publicly mine...sigh.

respite II

Well, ok I got off on a bit of a tangent their...but back to things.

I defended my thesis on Friday and what's more....I took the whole weekend off! It was wonderful. For the first time in I don't know how long I didn't feel like I should be doing something else. It could be that i haven't felt this way for three or more years. God it was great.

Coming up to my thesis I was very stressed as I did not feel ready at all. In the end, there were a few things I wish I had done and a few I'm sure I didn't need to do, but i'm glad I did anyway.

I felt stupid and like it didn't go well, but I'm sure that's not the case. I KNOW that I could have answered Supervisor1's questions better if I'd gotten through my prep schedule....but what can you do....know it better next time. Sigh. He already thinks I'm a bit of an idiot...what can I do other than write like a genius.

respite

three times in the last week I've wished I had time to blog. and now here it is. I've finally got time and i can't remember why i wanted to blog those ill-faited times. Sigh. It's a sign of the times. My life is moving so quickly. Suddenly i FEEL old. I don't want to go clubbing. I want to sit around and chat or play board games and drink....so much of my perspective has changed this summer.

I guess it is partially because of Timbuctoo....being in a, albeit non-, relationship that is mature, has changed my perspective on life. And visiting KandK this weekend drove the point home. They've been together five years now and I'm astounded by how in love and not in love they are at the same time. She chats with me about her fears that they don't have what it takes to last, yet its seems obvious to me that they do...and I reflected that clearly Timbuctoo is right....it IS a fight, a struggle to stay together when the passion is gone...a fight to find reasons to be together, other than just routine. But then why bother? Here it is: when people had kids early, that kept them together. Now, waiting for careers or not having kids at all has led hapless couples to doom. But is that really so bad? Is it so terrible that we don't stay together forever? That we join for a period and that when the passion and the convenience are gone we move on? Its seems wrong. Its seems depressing and horrible. But is it truly? The logical end to such a world view is that the only true couples are parents...why does it all sound so sci-fi?