busy, busy, busy

Highlights:

I went to Body World's 2 on Saturday. COOL!!
Saw Timbuctoo on Saturday
K2 didn't think much of Timbuctoo
Had a great time with K2 here, but very, very behind
But am catching up
Supervisor agreed to the change in my thesis topic that supervisorK wants
Timbuctoo and I are gonna chat Wednesday hopefully
I think I'm getting sick
I finally don't hate my house

reflections

On the day...

still thinking about Timbuctoo. Shouldn't have gone out tonight...met a texan walking home....wish I'd worked tonight. Wish timbuctoo would break up with his girlfriend. Wish I had worked tonight.

where have I gone

Lately I've been so preoccupied with all the catching up I have to do that I've been really skimping on the important things...like keeping track of my expenses and blogging.

And the worst thing about it is that these things are what keep me sane, balanced, and productive. And they're the first to go when other people are breathing down my neck.

I let myself get roped into reprogramming this Web site. I shouldn't have, I didn't need the responsibility, but I let it happen anyway. The good thing is that I am enjoying working on it immensely. It's been a long time since I got to do this kinda thing. Seeing the site transform is soooo gratifying. It's also been gratifiying realizing how far I've come in terms of programming. I seem to just all of a sudden know PHP. It's great.

So while I should be reading for my class tonight I am working on the site. Bad camel. So much to do, so little time. In all honesty, this is good for me.I need some accomplishment that didn't take so much THINKING.

pathetic

Not feeling a lot of love for my fellow Canadians at the moment....specifically Alberta which was SWEPT by the Conservatives. Sad, sad, sad.

On the bright side though, our depatment is interviewing a really interesting candidate for a BBCS position. She does social neuroscience and like me looks at social issues from a cognitive perspective. Excellent. And, she specifically asked about speaking with me after I spoke with her just before her job talk. So excellent. Here's hoping I can manage to sound intelligent speaking to her tommorrow...

why me?

today was a real eye opener for me. It's not like much differed from any other friday. But note that is is 11pm and i am home. And what's key here is that no one else is with me.

I don't know if it is because Timbuctoo decided to show a little spine tonight and didn't hit on me or if it is because he just couldn't for some other reason. But regardless...it had some kinda effect on me.

True enuf I hate admitting my weaknesses...despite my penchance for claiming weakness...but here it is..

arrived at the pub and after about half an hour saw his gf come in. She looked so happy and good. I just wanted to watch her all the time. She looked so pretty.

Eventually he appeared...tho I can't say he made any effort to speak with me...and eventually I sought him,....and then shied away until at some point I bought him some shots to say happy birthday and finally had a few minutes of him and him alone. Apparently I really wanted that.

And we chatted briefly, deciding what to drink to and I remember only him objecting to me wanting to drink to something good happening in my life. He took offense of course, as I'm sure I wanted him too....surprised he couldn't be counted. At which point I told him straight. "I can't count as good something I can't have." I think this sobered him a bit.

Anyway, we left eventually, and I can't lie. I kept looking at my phone, wishing he'd call...even now....at 11pm....but the truth is that why would he. She is there. She is real. She stood close to him and looked happy. And beautiful. And he. He is not sad. He is not tortured. He is just bored, if anything. And all that will happen to this. For all his drunken words, is that he will realize how lucky he is and forget me. Which is what he should...and what I am always so close to telling him.

Today, more than any other night I realized just how far from being mine he really is. That he likes to be around me is so little of the equation. His friends, his whole world is her. And I will always be just that little ounce of better that wasn't worth risking everything for. I'm not stupid. I've never tried to tell myself I'm any more than this. But only tonight did I really feel him choose her over me....

I sit here, hoping against hope that she has gone home and that he will call me. Want to see me. But I know that I'm a fool. I know because deep down I don't pretend. Won't pretend. I hate myself for not ending things on my terms. But at least I can say I didn't pretend. At least I can say that I supported him doing what made him happy.

but I was in the middle of

Every now and then we realize just how fragile our little realities are. My psych law class today chilled me. We watched a video of a forum in the US in the early '80s of justice professionals. The video highlighted just how subject to the arm of the law we are. The point my prof really wanted to make was that justice professionals think in a very different way than we expect them to. In particular he has been very jaded about the character of prosecutors.

He ranted about how their goal is to get convictions and they largely don't give a damn about innocnce and guilt. It's terrifying really, the stories he tells. It is clear from his anecodotes that blatant and heinous miscarriages of justice occur in this world for no reason other than people being committed to "being right" rather than doing the right thing.

Indeed...when I think even about the horrible accidents that can happen....that seem all too common but that we all think will never happen to us. I absolutely treasure so many things that could be taken from me in a second.,...things I hardly think of....but when I do my stomache churns and my pulse quickens. How would my life change, what would the whole Timbuctoo mess even mean if tommorrow my father died? Or if I lost a limb?

Our lives are much more tenous than we can really imagine or comprehend. How is it that people can not believe in an afterlife...how?

something I wasn't sure of

Funny how little things make life more enjoyable. How a simple, insignificant promise can make your whole day worth living.

I hate the waiting game. I hate how I put things off so I don't have to stop them in the middle. I hate how disappointed I can be over something so inconsequential.

So here I am....chatting with Corey...on a whim. But likely to fill some sort of void left because Timbuctoo had to cancel our meeting today and then didn't show up to chat online when he said he would either.

Something about the distracting challenge, I guess.

I've been pretty productive today so I shouldn't be so hard on myself...although I did sleep in until the magical hour of 11am today. God it was great. Of course I felt massively guilty but boy did I ever feel a ton better!

Somewhere only we know

It's been sooo long since I posted. And everytime I sit down at my comptuer I want to write and write but I'm too stressed out to do it. I don't know why. I'm too stressed to do any of the things that would make it better. How ridiculous.

On the other hand, as I failed to have any morals/balls on Friday yet again, perhaps I just didn't want to admit in writing how weak I am.

Recap:
Friday: a generally fantastic night. Went to the student pub, saw, drank and chatted with many friends. Afterwards, went to a sports bar, then blondies, then a club....something I haven't done in ages. At the pub they had an eighties band and it was great. Truly a fun time. .....but for one problem. Timbuctoo. I mean really, do I even need to say it?

So I guess coming home felt kinda like a fresh start. I felt I had myself firmly in hand. But I guess not. I saw him at the pub and if I had just left without saying goodbye....but I didn't. I told him we were leaving for food and he pulled me aside to ask me what my phone number was again so he and his friend could meet up with us later....and then they did. And he and I and blondie were the last to leave the club...and so we dropped blondie off and the rest is history.

Honestly. I just don't know. I mean, I was wasted, which is probably why I didn't just make him go home. But I know that I was stubborn and resistant to him all the way home...not that he was being forceful, but I was just trying not to be close to him I think...

Anyway, the point is that this night was different because it was the first time he really seemed to be sad we weren't together. Truly sad, in that feelings kind of way. Not just saying it. He kept trying to get me to tell him I loved him and I know I wouldn't....not so much cuz I don't as because I have not let myself entertain the idea, because it's been so long since I've been in love that I don't know what that means anymore, and because even if I was sure about it, telling him would probably just scare him away anyway.

Sigh. I wish I could remember more of the night. It was quite extreme if I remember correctly...I think we have hit a point where he either breaks up with his gf or we just don't see each other at all. Truly, I love being around him, even if I can't be with him, but we just don't have enough self control to do it. And I simply can't let this keep happening. The first time we hooked up was August! That makes this the longest relationship I've had in like five years. Ridiculous....

And really, I'm starting to get annoyed, I mean clearly it is my own fault that I don't just tell him to leave, but why does he keep coming back? I mean I know it's hard to leave someone you've been with for nearly a decade, but what is keeping you there? I am soo allowing myself to be used right now. Even if he's not being malicious, that's what's happening. As long as I keep allowing him physical access to me, he doesn't have to break up with her....he gets to have his cake and eat it too. I suck.

And it's killing my concentration at other things...I just feel kinda depressed and don't want to work....why am I soooooo weak!

Walking home from Memoirs of a Geisha with Ms. Movies, we crossed the street in front of Timbuctoo's girl. She must have been driving home from I don't know where. I saw her eyes, but the car was too red to be her's so it wasn't until it was too late to wave that I realized who it had been. Trick of the light, I guess....though deep in my heart I wished it was because she was driving a different car.

Memoirs of a Geisha weaves a beautiful story about love. About commitment to an ideal and suffering to serve it. And when Sayuri gives up, finally let's go because she believes all is lost, that is when she finally wins her prize.

And it has a beautiful subplot about an honorable man who deserves Sayuri, but whom Sayuri can never love because her heart is already committed.

Everytime I see her eyes I feel as though I am the devil and for moments cannot believe that I would ever allow myself to be the ruin of her happiness. And yet, I wish and hope for it against my will every night, while fantasizing about how I will see that it will never happen.

HOME!

Yesterday was the world's biggest write off. I was so exhausted that I spent much of the day just staring. I also bought a futon. It was far too expensive but the cheapest light-colored wood one with arms that I could find. I bought it from this lovely french women.

I was exhausted after travelling and literally didn't have the mental capacity for any grading or analyzing...I felt like such a lazy goon.

But today is better. My head is clear, I still don't feel very inclined to work, but at least I am doing a bit...

My supervisor is back, and that is nice....

I'm finished grading, that is nice. I already have 6 emails from students wanting to discuss thier grades...that is not nice, but to be expected.

I chatted with Timbuctoo this evening. That was also nice, but I told him I had copied the movie he wanted and he told me his sister had bought him a real copy for xmas (but thanks for the thought) and I felt so sad. Like it had been my idea and stolen from me. Oh well, at least he's not expecting anything now so I can surprise him with Chronicles of Riddick...

Beautiful Moment with a Stranger #3

It's been so long since I've had one of these that I was absolutely inspired today.

I was on my way to school...for a lab meeting...listening to my mp3 player when I noticed this women crossing the street towards me. I removed my headphones and asked her what she had said. She was asking for help because she was lost. She spoke broken English and since she had to go the same way as me, I walked and chatted with her for about five blocks.

She was this lovely Austrian women who had just moved to my city from Coquitlam, BC. Her daughter is attending my school. She was just so sweet and shook my hand and said thank you when we parted ways. It was lovely. She wore a brown coat.

home is where the peace is.

For once it's true. I can't wait to get home and not have to be careful to put things away or to not be rude or whatever. I can't wait to be left alone, to work when I want. Ridiculous.

Speaking of home, though: I had a very nice visit with my dad and then my mom this week and my brother too, actually. It was nice to end the visit not being upset....though I'm stressed to the max about school and money, but what else is new....

just calm down

Isn't it just tragic how when we have the most to do we have the hardest time doing anything? On my way home tonight I was thinking about all I had to do and how I couldn't possibly get everything done in time...and yet, when time presents itself I find myself napping cuz I'm exhausted or fretting....arg.

I can do it. I can do it. I know I can.

rant, rave, and wail

I feel like I'm just listing all the frustrating things that have happened lately and that the list is just getting longer instead of shorter. Sigh.

It's almost time to fly home. And I have to say I'm looking forward to it. I'm tired of imposing on my best friend and her parents. I want my routine back. My blood sugars have gone back to being outrageous due to my stupid inability to stop eating in the evenings. Seriously, ARG. I just want to go home where I don't spend the evening watching movies so that I don't eat twice as much as I need.

I msned with Timbuctoo yesterday. That was kind of nice. Not much has changed over the holidays except that he may finally of have embraced that we need to stop seeing each other while he figures things out. This is good. He also told a bit about his family which was nice. But as usual, we had to run before we got to talk too much. God what I wouldn't give for a day to just sit in a coffee shop and get to know each other.

I spent another night at K1&K2s and it was again totally great. I love those guys. We just have so much fun together and we pretty much all burn out at the same time. On this particular occasion we went to bed around 1pm but the day consisted of Ave shopping, buying random groceries for dinner, playing grand theft auto, and watching MI-5.

MI-5, in case you haven't seen it rocks. It is like a British 24 and I think it's known as Spooks also. It's great. Ok, time for breakfast.

on and on

Today was a reasonably good day. I spent 6 hours grading exams...those things are driving me nuts. I mean seriously, why do I always have such a low average? I'm grading according to the key! Whatever,....one question left to mark so the score will be in tommorrow.

Also, went to a movie with my bro today. that rocked, though I think I offered to lend him more money...which is a bad, bad idea. But assuming he's not bullshitting me, he'll pay this back right away. He'd better, cuz I can't afford to carry any more of his debt. But anyway, it was fun. I ate too much dinner and my blood sugar was high later, that sucked....

My blood sugars were good for like 3 days straight. Awesome.

But anyway, he and I saw the Dick and Jane movie and had chinese food and talked and talked. It was really good.

Best friend and I hit the hot tub tonight and that was great....

Oh and apparently I had my first NSF ever. I'm pissed....gotta check it out tommorrow.

2006!

Ok, so I still don't have any New Year's Resolutions...I've been too busy. But I did have my first epiphany of the year. I was sitting in Heather's car on the way to the 'ave and reflecting on how I felt about the situation with my mom. And it hit me just like that: I have survivor's guilt. Bizarre.