lost in a sea of me

well, he finally managed to put into words his reasons for being incommunicado the last little while. I guess his reasons are as good as any, basically amounting to him not having the energy see me on top of do his job....which seems strange because how is seeing me too much with his job....doesn't he mean its too much with his job and his girlfriend? I guess that's what i'm interpretting.

For all intents and purposes he's broken up with me and I think i should feel something, but I don't right now and I'm not sure why.

Mostly I'm concerned about whether I want to bother playing volleyball. On the one hand, not playing would mean I never see him, I assume but on the other hand, how would me continuing to play go? His yank pal now can't stand me I'm sure for reasons more annoying than i care to share. Plus I would need a ride every week. Would it be fair to get a ride with my one friend every time? Shorty would probably be a bit suspicious, and it would be kind of unfair. Or does he think he'd still be picking me up occasionally?

i guess if anything I'm pissed that he can't make up his mind same as ever. Nothing's changed really. Things will still go as I expect them. Now that he's created distance with me, he no longer HAS to choose. And that is how it will go. I guess that upsets me. That he is in effect choosing to stay with someone I think is so wrong for him. I guess it means to me that he's a coward and that makes me sad. It also makes me sad having to start over. To find someone, to find someone who works. Some days I'm sure this will never happen again. Most days.

So how do I feel? Numb. Nothing's changed. Things will go on like the last two weeks. It's not like setting me free is going to change things. I'm still going to wish there was someone who worked for me and there won't be that someone. I guess on some level I always knew that someday I would have to accept that I would be single for ever, and maybe that day is today.

When I think about my life, I feel like there's nothing to it but work. I work because there is nothing else that makes me feel successful. At least I feel a bit happy when I finish a project. I have no lust for life anymore. I think he has been it for a very long time.....I guess this makes me sad.

Another night staring at the wall

I'm completely confused. And becoming increasingly aggravated.

First, where does he get off with putting down my choices of friends when his friends are not even nice people, let alone conscientious.

Second, where does he get off with his lectures about how hard it is to make a marriage work when he makes absolutely no attempts to make his relationship work.

Third, who does he think he is? After all of our discussions of the importance of communication, suddenly he's never online, breaking plans, and not responding to my emails. If he has made up his mind, fine, he can say so. If he needs some time, fine, he can say so. But this is absolute bullshit. Is he avoiding me as he's done to her because he doesn't want to talk about it? Does he really think that I'm going to put up with that sort of treatment?

I'm not even hurt at this point. Now I'm just pissed off. I don't deserve this.

standing there

Sigh. I watch us talk and shake my head in frustration. I'm so frustrated with you, with the situation, with myself, that i can't bear to be affectionate. I want to say "I need a hug," but I can't. I don't want to be weak. And i'm so frustrated I am afraid i would start raging at you anyway. I want you to say it's going to be ok. That you love me and miss me and wish you were here with me. But that's not how it is. In the end, i know. I know that it's the easier path and the one that will satisfy the stronger need, the need for kids. I have been honest with you. And it is killing me to know that all of the work i put into this relationship will be for nothing.

I know it is hard to leave someone after so long. It makes the year and a half that I have put in seem like nothing. But i don't want to start over either. You may be older, but I'm still running out of time. Someone will have to start over, and i know it will be me.

And it kills me all the more because of how good our relationship is/was.

My heart is already broken. I can feel it. And just like last time i can see myself sitting here and taking no action.

Hang the moon

Hell with it.

fired

you know, i just don't know what to do with him. I'm sick, I suppose and so feeling very needy but we have barely been in contact all week. I know he was sick and is probably busy with basketball, but you'd think he'd mention that. His emails are infrequent and not particularly affectionate. Am i just being paranoid because I'm feeling hormonal or is he shutting me out.

He keeps saying "this won't happen when we're together" ....and that is so unfair. First, he's implying that we WILL be together which he won't actually commit to and second, he's using it as an excuse for his behavior. Furthermore, I wouldn't be worried about him being distant if we WERE together and right now I'm really resenting the fact that I don't know how to feel.

Grrrr... this whole thing is so dumb.

what i really want to say....

....is that I am tired of waiting for you to make up your mind. I guess I let myself believe that you had made up your mind and were just waiting until the time was right to break up with her. But that's not the case. And now I feel like such a fool. What have I been doing? Why have I let this happen.

If you want to be with me, then be with me. Don't you get it? It doesn't take this long to decide. You don't need to think about it. Either you want me or you want her. Either way your future is bright. So stop wasting my time.