too busy writing your tragedy

ah my life...never a dull second. Or something.

I tried very hard to post last night, but Firefox had a hate on for me..and that was that. If I had, I would have written about how I had spent a good portion of the walk to Margaritaville wishing to have some sort of dramatic interaction with Cody...

I did invite SuperD to come, but he opted out...but we did chat on msn about plans for today...which was really aggravating more than anything...I was starting to see that he was not trying real hard to impress me cuz he wasn't jumping up with great date idea...but I figured I'd let it slide and see what happened....

Sure enough, tonight was quite the disaster of me just sort of spouting off in response to awkward questions and probably seeming very, very mixed-signal-esque. Here's the score. He held my hand on the way to my lab, to do my study...and then when we were leaving the lab, he finally told me about the "unpleasantness" which lead to him emailing and apologizing to me.

Unsurprising it was related to him breaking up with his gf at the end of August...followed closely by him saying....with all the fluff removed, that he was really just interested in messing around...

Now, I did my best to say "casual = no, but serious = no..." but it came off confused...we went to his house and watched the Family guy movie, had beer, and sat very close to each other...I certainly enjoyed him touching me, but the shy girl in me was reluctant to lay my hands on him for fear of moving in a self-respect-reducing direction...

anyway, he walked me home, put his arm around me to keep me warm, wouldn't let go when I rolled away after I warmed up...and then just as we said goodnight, he said "hey can I see your limes?"...to which I raised an eyebrow and he immediately apologized and said bye....

Now I enjoy his company. I like the flirting...so I said, "wait, listen, you're welcome to come see the limes if you don't hit on me"...but it took some convincing to get him to actually follow through...which in retrospect, leads me to believe that he was thinking that maybe I was more open to the "casual" idea than I was letting on...so he came upstairs, but was clearly in a rush to leave. I think that's what we call hitting the nail on the head.

I think friends with SuperD will be fine...someone to flirt with...but he's a bit of a mystery...and his self-assuredness is fun.

Boys. I think I'm done with them for a while.

finding my way back to sanity...again

....though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there....

- Breathing by Lifehouse

I can't seem to stop listening to this song. I love it.

Anyway, my friends seem really excited about my date on Thursday, even if I am not...though admittedly that may be due to the fact that I don't really have TIME for a date....but whatever...it's good for me.

Actually, my current schedule of things to do suggests I may not have to drop out of school after all, which is good. Now if I can just finish this paper.....!

Smiley and I went swing dancing last night and it was absolutely great. I really needed both the exercise and to get my mind off things...lovely...and he's so good at making me feel like I'm not terrible at it, that I had a great time (actually, word is I'm pretty good, but I consistently feel clumsy and out of control....maybe that's just me)

....take a breath and hold on tight, spin around one more time and gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace....

In case anyone is wondering or cares...

I should be working.

The lyrics were for Cody. Here are the reasons it would never have worked (beware they range from intentionally shallow to intensely personal):

1. He wiggles when he walks
2. He isn't tall
3. His parents are loaded
4. He didn't know how great I was
   
5. He is as laid back as humanly possible...almost no pulse
6. He thinks his brown shoes are red
7. I'm barely even buzzed by the time he is too drunk to walk straight

Hmm....not nearly as many good reasons as I had hoped...stay tuned, maybe more will come to light.

SuperD and I went out on Saturday. It was lovely. His parents are also loaded and he is also well dressed and far too well adjusted. And he's Jewish. But he is very confident and touched me a lot. Which was really great. He put his arm around me maybe five minutes after we started walking down the street. Interesting.

I don't know...he kissed me goodnight. Always a good thing. But it was not as good as kissing Cody. That is what I remember most. Perhaps he was nervous? I don't know. He seemed to want to kiss me earlier, when we were at his house.

Actually, I have to say that he was pretty smooth, in general. I mean we went out, had a few drinks, he ate off my plate (I hadn't had dinner), then he went to the bathroom and said he'd show me his pictures when he got back...so he sat down beside me to show me the pictures...and then of course, since he had only a t-shirt on after being on the patio all night (I had a polar fleece, a long sleeve shirt, tank top and a scarf on), it seemed perfetly natural that he huddle up to me on the walk home to keep warm...and that we should stop at his place so he could grab a sweater.

Once we got to his house he didn't hit on me, exactly, besides to stand up close to me and to pull the chair I was sitting on up to him...did I mention I love guys who are aggressive?

Anyway, as always I was nervous about overstaying my welcome so around 1:30 when he asked if I was tired and wanted to go home, I said yes.

Oh what more to say. Nothing. He asked after he kissed me goodnight if we would talk soon...or something like that and I said most ridiculously, "of course, you have my phone number and msn"..I mean how ridiculous...he was asking if given everything that he had revealed about himself if I was still interested. Of course, I'm good at blowing these kinds of things...but Smiley says that wasn't a bad thing to say...so good.

I just don't know. I'm clearly still thinking about Cody though I had a good time with Dave...who is clearly interested... Which is silly. And I think I can say from my experiences thinking about Cody and Timbuctoo that I just feel this way because of which one is available. Sigh. Sigh.

Oh ya, my last Cody story. I got home on Wednesday, I think and one of my ex's was on msn and wanted to chat. Which was cool, we're pals. But then I thought, hey, I'm drunk...why not msn Cody...did I mention that I unblocked him a few days prior...thinking I just didn't need to have him blocked anymore...anyway, so I msn him and say "so can we be friends now"...silly...ridiculous...he didn't answer exactly...he flirted with me. God, I hate him.

Alright. So as soon as I finish this paper, I'll be fine. Stupid paper. Back to work.

Technically....

I didn't break the embargo on boys cuz it was only one week...and that was over on Sunday...which is when my post went up....so....whatever. Anyway, I have another date on Thursday...though I've already managed to make a fool of myself twice so I'm not sure why he's interested...though I'm not sure I'm interested...though I don't know what I want or need or anything at all right now...so here's some music:

‘Cause I am barely breathing
And I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price
The price that I would pay

-Barely Breathing by Toad the Wet Sprocket

seriously, I need something...

I don't know what to do with me, as per usual.

I had a great day just chilling out with Mr. C, SuperHost, and LawL yesterday, but it was magnificently ruined in the end...how terrible. I mean I shoulda stayed home and wrote my paper.

Today I am miserable cuz I still don't want to write this paper...arg. AND I have eight million other things to do on top of that. I think I want to quit school. Grr..

And why, oh why did I ever have to meet Cody. Honestly, talk about bad judgment. I shoulda stayed blissfully ignorant and continued to just imagine us dating with the caveat that it couldn't happen cuz of roomie...I'd be much happier. Grr...

man, I must be bored

Alright, we have to end the embargo on boys so I can rage about this one. He's pretty much inconsequential but I'm burned nonetheless. Man, how does this shit happen.

So....today...the only reason I went out...wasted the whole day, was to spend time with Mr. C. And at the end of the day, Mr. C was clearly interested in LawL's roommate. How depressing...I mean, despite SuperD's interest, and despite Mr. C living nowhere near here, I feel totally burned. How retarded.I mean, in general, I'm not super attraced to him...and I don't really want to date him...but I guess I sorta wanted to mess around with him tonight. So I'm kinda annoyed...plus I am totally nonplussed that he would find LawL's roomie mor intersting than me...or maybe the fact that I blew him and company off last night cuz I had a date is the reason for his behavior...hard to say...alll I know is that I wanna kiss him and he's clearly not thinking the same thing. Jerk.


Whatever...anyway, SuperD kissed me goodnight....but it wasn't amazing. And I realized tonight that kissing Cody was like winning the lottery...I hand't realized how good it was until then...fuck. Whatever.

Screw everyone, I'm going to bed.

Just got home

Ok, so one bit of contraband news. I had a date tonight. I think it went well.

Tired, but ok

Well, things are kinda sorta coming together. I had a chat with the BigA today and man, she did a great job of making me keep academia in perspective. She's great...I wish she would hang out with us more.

SuperNerd redeemed himself today with an apology email and a peace offering of hanging out tonight...I'm glad. I hate being angry at him. He's such a good person...if an aggravating one.

I am exhausted...I am in utter shock of my own ability to work despite. Not that I can really THINK....but hey, I got what I wanted to get done today, done, sorta. I'll take it easy tonight and hit the books tommorrow.

Also, we're unclear on how stupid boys are...but we're working on letting Cody be a lesson...

So sleepy.

embargo on boys

We're not talking about boys this week. So I'm not going to mention anything until next week.

I'm drunkin msning, tho. which is always dangerous....ah Big Corona's....how I love thee.

Super Nerd

There are days that I just want to punch SuperNerd in the head. I emailed him today to let him know the deal with our papers being due and he AGAIN felt that he ought to berate me for "asking for comments" on the first draft of my paper. Like this is some how inappropriate...."You should give specific questions...maybe the reason he never got back to you is because you didn't ask specific questions"...For pete's sake. And then proceeds to tell me that maybe the prof figured I wanted him to tell me exactly what to change to get an A. Like I'm some kind of stupid undergrad.@!@#&*^&(&@$!^&*$#&*)&*$#)*&*&!!!!@#$*OUY#$!*

What an idiot. I mean seriously. If his criticisms were founded, fine. But they are NOT. And his "suggestions" for specific questions are exactly the kind of things I said in my email to the prof with the damn paper in the first place. AND. AND. WHY DOES HE THINK HE NEEDS TO TELL ME THIS AGAIN. We discussed it before and didn't see eye to eye on it. What the hell does he think has changed?

AND. The prof clearly told me that he WOULD give me comments. WOULD. And hasn't. When I handed the paper in in MAY. For pete's sake.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..

So anyway, I sent him an email that sounded quite exasperated. I'm sure he will feel a bit hurt by it since I was rather blunt. But I am certainly offended by the way he is talking to me like some lazy undergrad who doesn't want to do any work. Honestly.

I mean in all fairness, I believe the discrepancy is in what we both call a "specific" question, since my specific questions are much more specific than his...and I said as much...but still.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Me, write? Surely you jest

Truth is that I've been thinking about it for years. Walking home I always think about it...writing some Nikita-esque story. Today I decided the first line of the story should be:

"She had always wanted to kill someone, she just didn't know it until that day"

Followed by:

"My name is Sabrina. People call me Stingwray. It's a long story so don't bother asking. And if I told you, you might figure out my real name, which I'm not about to tell you."

Maybe it's best not to confuse the writer at the outset, but clearly that's how I'd start anyway.

Alright, four more pages of this boring, boring chapter for school and then I get to go to bed. Hurray.

this may be the prettiest time of year....

but this is about as stressed as I get. Man. So anxious. Although I close out the day feeling fairly good. My movies are being created as I type...so I now have time to rewrite that awful paper...I'm close to being finished the textbook I wanted to finish before I started rewriting...I've got a draft of my conference proposal...I may pull this off...maybe.

On the other hand, I still feel awful about the "me"....I need:

1. a punching bag
2. a haircut
3. my nails to grow for about a week
4. a good waxing

Things you'd rather not know...haha. I'm sure I'll feel better soon...I just gotta hang in there.

wind of change

I spent like half an hour staring at the waves today. It was beautiful...the sky was light grey-blue, the waves were dark grey and rolling because it was windy....and I coudn't take my eyes off them...watching the fury of the water as it mounted and broke...and wishing my own frustrations would break....sigh. School and all my commitments are wearing me down. I don't have time for me anymore. And I'm feeling distinctly miserable.

today

Ah life...so much happening it's hard to keep it all straight....or even only mildly crooked.

In the wake of computer disaster I am cursing the temporary model, but chugging along at a reasonable pace...though still far slower than I had hoped.

And I also found out that this paper that I've let slide all summer has to be done, marked and a grade submitted by the stupid prof BEFORE September 30 or I can't apply for funding for next year. Great. Just great. All summer I've been wating for this @@^#(*@!#^!@#^ prof to just give be some GENERAL feedback so I could rework it and NOW I have to rush to finish it. Great. Cuz I don't have enough stress right now. %^@#^%!*%#@^^&

oh well, at least it will be done.

I'm also feeling rather frustrated with my physical appearance.....yet again...my teeth are stained and wearing down....my skin is breaking out...I can't stop biting my nails...my hair needs cutting...I've gained weight over the summer....I'm out of shape...it's so frustrating watching me let myself go. I know I still look good, and I know that I'm still quite meticulous but I hate the way I look right now because I feel like I'm doing a shoddy job of caring for myself. From not bothering to brush before bed to not managing my blood sugars well. I know that this is probalby a product of not getting enough exercise but with things way up in the air with roomie, I just dont' feel comfortable asking her to let me install a punching bag hanger right in front of her room....so frustrated.

on the road again

Ok, sick of my blog being just a blackboard to whine on...and feeling sick of my life being consumed by thoughts of boys...and just plain sick of feeling bad, I've decided that I'm going to go cold turkey. In the past I've enforced a "don't think about it" rule but now I'm enforcing a "don't blog about it rule"...so for the next week this blog is a boy-thought-free zone. I'll do my best to control my thoughts, of course, but in general I tend to be only moderately successful since the things going on in my life are school and boys and when I'm not thinking of school there is nary another thing to think about...and I need to NOT think of school SOMETIMES.

Camel out.

there is no message

Oi. That's all there is to say. I didn't even post yesterday cuz I knew I had nothing happy to say....not that my life is such a mess, but I am definitely feeling dissatisfied.

Yesterday my motherboard fried. Yup. NO computer for weeks. Nevermind that in the next few weeks I have a conference proposal, a research/scholarship proposal, and two experiments to finish...Fortunately my baby is still under warranty and the tech was kind...he sold me a new laptop and agreed to accept a return of it regardless how long it took to fix my computer. So I copied my harddrive over and I'm back in business...except that I want to throw the processor out the window...I asked for a comparable machine...and it is on everything except the processor...I have a P4, it has a Turion...garbage thus far...so slow...but what do I know, really.

It was eerie waiting for the tech to test to make sure my HD was intact. It was like waiting for a surgeon to come out of the OR. And I pretty much paced through the entire experience...from checking the adapter to boxing the new computer...eerie.

The semi-formal was ok...mr. Annoying the social coordinator and I finally started really getting along..I think he thought I had a crush on him..nothing like getting wasted and bonding. Now he's on my msn. Is good.

On the other hand, I got smashed to a degree I never thought possible. Blame Mr. Social Coordinator...And if Stevo hadn't walked me home, I'm not sure I'd have got there....the negative side of that is that I probably also spilled ALL about Cody to him...which was terrible since he's ond of Cody's best friends...arg...but thanks to Stevo anyway.

Let's see....I talked to Timbuctoo today and apparently I was shooting my mouth off at the semi-formal. Classy...not about us but about him and his lil missus...and I recently remembered ALSO shooting my mouth off (tho I didn't start it) about Junior's ex. Man, I'm turning into one of those people I hate. Oh dear...Let's blame Cody....

I got another email from SuperD. It was three days ago but for some reason I'm having trouble getting excited and emailing him back...probably cuz I don't know if he's got a gf....actually that's a lie...it's cuz I like Cody more. Stupid.

And I am totally and completely swamped with work. I want to quit grad school and be a surfer. This is one of those days where it all feels wrong. Maybe tommorrow will be better....and if only my Windows Media Player would stop playing sad country music.

so confused

Either Cody unblocked me or his internet went down for like a week...I dunno but he's in my list again....

Roomie either played dumb when I talked to her today or she really didn't mean to make my life hell yesterday....

I don't know what to DO with myself.....I really wanna unblock Cody. I hate boys.

Tom! Help! Explain!

Just when the night is totally depressing

So I think tonight has to come out on the plus side....surprisingly enough.

I hit the campus pub tonight, still feeling unattracive and fat based on last night...but it, of course, didn't matter given I was to be drinking with the crew...and I wasn't dressed as carefully as usual...but apparently that did NOT matter.

So, I started the night chatting with my pals...until roomie subtly dropped the fact that her and Cody were having dinner ("don't be mad")...ok, whatever....he's picking you up here?...no worries...we're cool. If only I thought roomie didn't have ulterior motives...eventually he made it out....and we all sat and drank..he, me, her and about six others...we had to go to Margaritaville of course...cuz it was Wednesday night...and that was cool...until......roomie asks Cody...."so I'm going home,....are you going home or out with camel"....fuck roomie...thanks. Things between us have been cool...thanks for making them awkward...anyway...we all headed out...and I didn't say a word to Cody for the rest of the night...not that I said a whole bunch bfoere then...but at least we were interacting as we interacted with the group...whatever....he stayed very much away from me the whole night, other than the walk TO Margaritaville where he was somehow was on a bike and rode alongside me and SuperHost who were having a chat about best friend...Anyway, he didn't even look in my direction once we hit Margaritaville, though, I think...so I knew better. he left early without a word to us...I watched him go....I was sad. I do like him...as a person....he's fun and funny...and I was sad. damn.

Although I did feel rather vindicated by each and every friend that I told that we weren't seeing each other any more...they all said "WHAT?" and in response to, "I liked him, he didn't like me" they said "Coulda fooled me"....so that was cool.

Eventually i decided i was leaving. Junior and lilM (the girl he now likes instead of me, yay!) said they wanted to go too...which was cool except I live past her so he didn't reallly walk her home...anyway...we talked.,...it was good. I let him put his arm around me when I was cold...I think our friendship is back to where it should be....I can't tell yo how happy that makes me...I just hope I'm not wrong and leading him on....

Then I got home. And there was an email from superD. OMIGOD. I'm pretty sure I've been dreaming about this for months. WOW. It just was an apology for not coming to chat with me again later yesterday....but seriously. I WAS sad. But now I'm giddy. &*(&*&)($##$@ boys. Sigh.

The consensus in my head is that I've still got it pretty bad for Cody. Every time I see him I want him. But I think he still wants roomie...so I HAVE to get over him. And crushing on SuperD works...even if he has a gf so I'm gonna run with it.

God help me.

Hot

I bought a new skirt today. And it looks great. Which is good cuz the Semi-formal is tomorrow and yesterday sucked. I have definitely lost a measure of my confidence....though apparently I have lots of it so maybe I don't seem totally retarded.Anyway, HOT. I love putting together outfits.

In living camel

Ok, so the camel is a little tipsy, but here's a low down....im still thinking about Cody, but I'm not hurting really too much anymore....I went out to the orientation stuff and tried not to think about him. The boat cruise was cool...tbe bar less so.

Really, after the cruise we hit another bar in between and I kept wondering if Stevo had invited him out or if he'd shot...not htat he would normally...anyway..it sorta was noying wondering about him...and the n we went out and all I did was think about him...until SuperD reappeared. Super D is the med student from last year. He said "of course I remember you...you were the only bright spot in exam week"...wow...suddenly everyone else pailed...and I spent the rest of the night wishing he didn't have a gf. Sigh. He really is cool. Not super hot but there's something about him...i remember drew me in last year...and he's a med student. But oh well, c'est la vie...

Best friend may be getting birth control...omigod..she's growing up...omigod.

First day of school

This will officially be my 20th first day of school...omigod! NOT counting Kindergarten and playschool...ack!

Chris Rock is SO funny

I didn't notice that I still had "Bigger and Blacker" on my computer but my Windows Media Player did...and DAMN...it is FUNNY.

So I have become the hermit again...my friends went out tonight, I bit my nails, ate too much cheese popcorn, drank too much Diet Coke and programmed for like four hours straight...lameo.

Well, the good news is that I'm starting to temember reasons why things wouldn't work out between me and Cody...the bad news is that everyone else is finding a mate...well that's a bit of an overstatment. But Smiley has found a woman, finally. YAY! He thinks she'll probably become his girlfriend...which is great cuz it means I don't have to feel bad cuz I don't always want to hang out with him.

Also, Roomie is still sorta seeing this bartender dude...apparently not seeing the cutie from the other night OR the non-cutie she was actually interested in...ah well...as long as she's happy.

Me so tired...not done programming but must sleep. The future holds...just cuz I can, a list of reasons Cody is not good enough for me...tee hee...he's not SO bad...and he'll never see this...nor will anyone he knows so I can write exactly what I'm thinking...tee hee..bad Camel. Tommorrow.

Now Playing

I actually do feel pretty good right now. I had a nice talk with Timbuctoo...I didn't spend a single dime today...I have a picture of limes on my wall...I may be getting a punching bag...I caught up on my budget and paid off some (a small portion) of my debt...I feel in control. And most importantly, not angry. :)

you can do it

Here goes. I'm feeling much less terrible today. Mostly because of Roomie...she probably has no idea, but she is definitely responsible for me getting the "move on"...so anyway, I'll start with the beginning instead of the end...God I hope some day I read this and am amused.

So, I'd suspected but it was confirmed this week that I'm getting $2000 less for TAing than expected...this was intensely depressing.

Things with Cody were stupidly, unmanageably awkward in my mind...I find I have a really hard time NOT thinking about him...typical female obsessing...it nearly drove me mad this weekend thinking about how Cody was so broken up over Roomie and wasn't even interested enough in me to ask me out on a real date...I kept looking at the lyrics of this song that he had put on his msn name when they broke up and it nearly tore me apart to think about how he was feeling then and now....I think part of the reason was it became obvious that he'd taken ME off his msn...so now I had NO idea what he was thinking...anyway, I started working on imposing a "thinking about him" ban but was only marginally successful...even though I saw him Friday at the orientation concert, went up to him and chatted like nothing had ever happened...it was brief...

Anyway, the thing that threw me over the edge (this has been completely unchronological) was on Friday when we discovered that all the data I collected this summer was useless due to a programming error by our hired programmer...ARG!!!!!!That was a lot of work and means a lot more work...but I handled it well. My supervisor offered to buy me a beer...he felt pretty bad for me...but it was one of those things...you know...I shoulda looked at the data before we got all those subjects (50)..but it's so complicated getting the data into readable form that it's understandable..and I'd been rushing to finish before my trip...and it was my first study using that equipment so I was seriously overloaded. Bah.

Anyway, resolution: supervisor indicated he'd be giving me some money so that should help my cash issue..even though I hate to get money for nothing...but he says he likes it better this way cuz then I have more time to spend researching rather than working...

resolution part 2: I was telling my mum about Cody. I'm really nervous about talking about him around Roomie...but she heard and very clearly shouted that he was someting not nice and that it was all his fault. I love her...

Anyway, two other things drove me mad this week, like nails in a coffin...1. Junior and worrying about his crush...but I think we found him someone....which is good cuz I've been missing hanging out with him...So Saturday night when I really, really didn't want to go we ended up drinking with his roommate and watching the Empire Strikes Back. Perfect friend fun.

2. Roomie might be moving out in December...she was really clear about it not being because of me...but I still feel sad.

This minute I feel pretty good though.

Look in the mirror

I still don't have it in me to go into this week...here's some lyrics:

Oh well oh well so here we stand
But we stand for nothing
My heart calls to me in my sleep
How can I turn to it
'Cause I'm all locked up in this
Dark place -
And I do not know
I'm as good as dead
My head aches -
Warped and tied up
I need to kill this pain

My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
Until I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
Until I'm six feet underground

How long I'm tied up
My mind in knots -
My stomach reels
In concern for what I might do or
What I've don
It's got me living in fear
Well I know these voices must
Be my soul
I've had enough I've had enough of being alone
I've got no place to go

My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
Until I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
Until I'm six feet under ground

Six feet under
In y grave
Lying wired and shut and quiet in my grave
Leave me here
Leave me here to waste here
So young and here I am again
Talking to myself
A T.V. blares
Oh man
Oh how I wish I didn't smoke
Or drink to reason with my head

But sometimes this thick confusion
Grows until I cannot bear it at all
Needle to the vein
Needle to the vein
Take this needle from my vein my friend
I said

My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
Until I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
Until I'm dead and gone

In my grave
Lying
Lying cold in my grave
The reason -
My reason
Take my head off this terror
The fearing won't come back
I can't see
My mind's all wiped clean
The needle
Make my great escape
I seem caught in time
My head leaves me behind
Body fall cold
And I see heaven

- Rhyme and Reason by the Dave Matthews Band

I wanna be sedated

It was a terrible day...it's been an awful week and this whole month is starting to look ugly. Maybe I'll wake up tommorrow and feel good about something. Then again, probably not.

So many things that I don't even want to talk about.

fate is colorful

So I almost didn't drink tonight...but then I bowed to the inevitable. It stared with the psych and eng bbq...i didn't have any beer but as fate would have it they ran out of burgers due to high attendance and my roomie went for more meat....offering to pick up booze...so there was a sixer...

And then to the bar for the grad students assoc meet and greet...where I eventually took on the identity "zeke"...I've always wanted to be a zeke...it was great. I gave my name to someone else...tho this 'renaming' did result in the server asking if my name was "really Camel"....in which case I had to show him my id...funny. I haven't done that in a long time.

Anyway, the night was fun. The new grad student mentioned in previous posts, I have been sorta trying to avoid...but was disappointed when he wasn't there...though he eventually showed up...which I let him know was a great thing....he knows he's surrouded by girls tho and mac'd all the ladies...I love a guy with confidence. At some point he did come over and mac me...which I happily let him...knowing what it was, highly amused, but enjoyed his company nonetheles...

And you'll never guess who else was out. Timbuctoo...his gf totally not saying hi to me....he came over and chatted while I was at the bar with some friends...what mess...and then later he came over and chatted with roomie...who told him me and Cody were done...which is good cuz I hadn't and hadn't wanted too....but then he was like "I'm leaving...dude is giving me the finger"...which was funny cuz "dude" was jusr really wanting some roomie time, Timbuctoo being the second to take her attention from him...he was cute. He will make her happy. It makes me happy.

Then we walked home. And guess who me and Ms.Movie run into....yup. Cody. The fates have a mean sense of humor. All night I wondered if I'd see him. And luckily wa distracted by the new student. And I think I'm starting to get over it...but anywya, yes..he and his roomie were walking with chocolate milk. I smiled at him. He smiled at me...I chatted amicably for the block of shared walking...mostly with his roomie cuz he wasn't talking....and then left. I think I'm doing a great job of coming off as happy and bubbly without him. But not hurt...cuz I smile at him....but I still hope to find an email from him when I get home and never find it.

Whatever, then we met up with roomie's new man's roomie...and he distracted me for a good portion of the walk....fun..he may be interested cuz he sure remembered my name...but funny thing...I sill feel burned and not interested. too bad. Anyway, maybe the fates are playing with me...maybe not...I'm learning to live again...doing ok...letting the mac'er be my distraction...whatever and whatever and whatever.

almost, but not quite

Sigh. I'm sure I pulled it off, but I'm still miserable. Set the stage:

Wednesday afternoon. Camel and super hostess shopping until 7pm. The group decides 9pm is a good time to hit Margaritavile...so before Camel even knows it, it's time to go.

Margaritaville: the beer is flowing, the nachos sitting...the camel eats and drinks somewhat dispassionately...and when she leaves for bathrooom breaks she always wonders who will be at the table when she returns...

And then, at 11:30...Stevo makes it out...and Pop...and Cody. Damn. I'd honestly been waiting and wondering all night if he woudl come...but I never thought he would. He sat down, Stevo was between us. And I never said a word to him. We exchanged two glances all nigth. I did well. But he left before we did...and I suddenly felt sullen and sad. While he was there I had a GREAT time...honestly...he just made me enjoy it more in my effort to enjoy myself despite his presence...but when he left I lapsed into the sullens....luckily we were all leaving anyway and Junior is the only one who noticed.

I guess I just hate to see a challenge walk away. I know that I was hoping to come home to an email from him...but nothing...I'm sure I never will. I see now that he wants to be with my friends...not me. And I realize now why it hurt so much.

It hurt because I saw myself with him...far far into the future. And I never thought we'd get together...so when we did I thought it woudl go somewhere...there...the future. And it didn't.

Today I sat and had coffee and worked with one of the cuter new grad students...and I could feel I was attracted to him, though he wasn't super attractive...the challenge you know. And I had to work hard to not treat him like a new challenge. I invited him out..it was his birthday. He didn't come. I was sorry, but glad becuase I hate to think I'd flirt with him to hurt Cody. I probably wouldn't...be probably wouldn't care anyway...who knows.

Anyway, I did well. But it did become clear that Cody and I would not have lasted so long if not for my penchance for calling great parties. Which is sad...Margaritaville is tainted by his presence for me. Without him it is...nothing. I hate him now. And will have to fight to NOT rebound...I know...pathetic. Sigh........in the words of Jack "must I always be waiting, waiting on you?...must I always be playing, playing the fool?"

not so bad

So today our department held a wine and cheese to welcome new grad students...I have to admit I was sorta dreading it...all that schmoozing...especially when I'm cranky about both boys and school at the same time...sometimes you just don't feel like being gracious..but roomie was all excited. I think she really likes dressing up...she's so great.

So we went...and true to form it was a little tedious until I was about three wines in...at which point me and the Perfect Hostess hit the patio to chat. Being one of the many people paying attention to the Cody saga, I was a little concerned abotu telling her. I'm always awkward about telling anyone. Btw, telling roomie went really good. She was really supportive. I love her so much. She even said she thought he was being a twit for not telling me he just wanted to be friends. Much appreciated.

Anyway, the Perfect Hostess also responded well...basically just feelign bad for me. It's funny...I feel so much better now that telling my friends wasn't awkward..though I still couldn't bring myself to tell Junior...he's probably got an inkling though, based on my last conversation with him in which I complained about Cody's behavior.

Anyway, it's nice to know my friends aren't all probing and slurpy...ya know. They just expressed that they were sorry things hadn't gone my way. I really appreciate that.

Tommorrow is Margaritaville...hope it goes ok. I hope he doesn't come...unless he's planning on telling me what a fool he's been and would I please give him another chance.

old faithful

So I was recovering all (some) of my music from backup CDs since I lost it all in the Great Purge of 2005 and I stumbled upon this song...though it wouldn't copy to my computer, the lyrics are of course tres appropriate.

I can't believe you hesitate
Do you remember, what happens
when you break my heart

Still beating that's what I would say
Although it seems to be another rainy day
Still beating and that's how it should be
You know it's hard to breathe
When life's crushing down on me

- Still Beating by World on Edge

I'm off to have wine and cheese and hopefully not get too tipsy and say something silly...love orientation!

maybe

Maybe this blog can move on now and be about more than me being insecure. Cripes. I'm so tired of hearing myself. Hard to believe I'm "an intimidatingly confident person".

Emotion on the forefront: embarrassed....haha. not much has changed.

I checked it out..I managed two weeks of relative bliss about Cody and one week of total annihilation of enjoyment. So not worth it.

End of story...I swear.

The details

Since this is the first time I've been hurt in a long time, I thought I would bronze the moment by capturing it word for word...names changed to protect the not-so-innocent, of course.

Camel: Listen, if you're not interested in me, that's ok. Just say so and I can take you off my msn and go back to not having you in my life. That's ok.

Camel: But if you are interested in me, say so. Please don't treat me like this. I like being around you but I can't enjoy your company any more because I'm busy worrying that I'm being too aggressive towards you.

Cody: Camel, I do like you. I think I'm just more comfortable being friends....And don't worry, you're not agressive.

Camel: i am aggressive.

Camel: if you wanted to be friends then why didn't you just say so.

Cody: because I wasn't sure. I don't want you to feel that I was taking advantage or something.

Camel: i don't feel taken advantage of. I feel .....i feel...frustrated. I used to really enjoy being around you and now I just feel....dumb.

Cody: why?

Camel: because I have a really good time with you..or I used to...but in the back of my mind there is the fact that you never make any move on me...fine...i get it now.

Cody: I have a really good time with you, too. That's really all I want, though. I'm sorry.

Cody: I hope you don't delete me.

Camel: I have to....at least block you until I feel differently. I like you. I'm not going to pretend I don't. And there's no point in me pretending that it doesn't matter to me. Sorry.

Cody: oh.

The camel is, againgst her will, heartbroken. Goodnight.

Finished

It's done. If he was into me he'd have not let me walk away like this.

He walked me home today...he didn't seem to want to. He didn't hold my hand. The conversation was awkward. We got to my house. He stopped many feet from the door. I turned and said "thanks for walking me home." gave him, well, maybe one second to do anything about it....I guess I coulda given him more, but he didn't touch me all night...I figured it was a sign...and then walked away. He smiled at me. I don't know why.

But I guess that's it.

some days

Somedays you're just not sure you're gonna make it. You wander around wondering what the hell happiness is. And if you have it....or if it's a bad day, if you ever will. The happy moments are quickly overshadowed by the insecure ones. And every other minute is filled with trying to stay caught up and win the race. And you wonder if you appear as you hope. And wish you could just ask. And you want to be so many things...but your conviction and your self-discipline seems so far away. Where did it go? You know you had it at one time. You felt it, but now you can't seem to stick with anything. Never mind the accomplishments everyone else sees....it's the things they call personality ticks that make you want to hide your head under your bed. And you know it could have been so much worse, but you still want to run and scream and throw rocks.

none of your business

ever notice how some days you just want to be angry? I think today was one of those days...apparently it started last night with me saying "I'm angry" with absolutely no explanation or meritous behavior. Today, though, I had at least SOME merit....

Partially it's cuz I finally went into a sports store and looked into getting a punching bag. I found a 70-pounder that the salesman said he thought would be fine for my apartment...as long as I used it during the day...and it was way less expensive than I expected...I want it SO bad...if my ceiling can support it, I'm so buying it and to hell with the money. I have wanted one for YEARS. So that got me singing this ol' Salt n' Pepa tune..."none of your business"...quality...from the "Miss Congeniality" soundtrack...first time I realized I could put a bag in my apartment as opposed to in a house...wicked.

And then I got annoyed with Cody....well, frustrated is more like it...excessive thought leading to annoyance...I finally had a good talk with Q about him...he says I need to be more patient and that my behavior is exacerbating Cody's shyness...ok. fair nuf. But I still don't know what to do. And then Cody msn'ed and asked me if I had plans for the night...and I said, "not really, no" and waited...and waited...and waited...and finally said me and countryGirl were thinking about doing a movie...and waited and waited...nothing....he told me he had to go to work and would talk to me later...this is like 4:30pm.

So I work all day...and wait... and wait...working and working...like a good girl...finally around 11pm i hear from him...I've already msn'ed to see if he wants to get some food when he gets home so he ought to have seen that....but no reference....nothing....and nothing...more chatting...nothing....so eventually I finish working (well, can't work anymore) ...and msn him that I'm getting food and going to countryGirl's, does he want to come? no...tired.

For pete's sake.

One other notable is that I selfishly mentioned my frustration to Junior on the walk home today. Probably not nice to do...but he's my friend. And I wanted to talk about it. It was selfish of me.

And in the world of the outrageous......Timbuctoo! Oh yes, back. He FINALLY appeared on msn to chat today....the gf being away....and let me know WHY he and his pals hadn't joined us on Wednesday. It's cuz this BRILLIANT friend of his told his gf I was "all over him" at a pub. I was there...I wasn't. Good thing she's never been to a bbq. Apparently the gf's attitude was in high gear that night. I was oblivious. Good for me. Timbuctoo in a "stroke" of brilliance (note the sarcasm) told gf that i didn't know he had a gf at the time, that I was just drunk and that she couldn't be cool to me because he and I are friends...brilliant. Flimsy lie. Why didn't he just stay "no she wasn't" or "she's like that with everyone"? well, whatever...

Anyway, so we had a good talk. Looks like he IS thinking about what's going on in their relationship which is a good sign for him....I don't feel any need to worry about an "us"...I told him of my terror that he'd leave the gf and expect me to be with him and he just laughed...said he's not crazy...which is good.

And in true instinctual form, I learned that I was right to be suspicious about him asking his team manager to call me to play, rather than he calling me....it was cuz he'd interpreted my warning about me dating Cody as a "back off"...silly rabbit...but I sure was glad to get out my reasoning....

Finally, he was going out and wanted me to come out. I didn't. Good for me. I don't think it would have been a good idea. Gf and he's out with me? Bad. I woulda, maybe if Cody had come...I do want him to meet him and pass judgement...but I could see bad things happening....just that I've neatly boxed my feelings for Timbuctoo and I don't want to reopen that... for both our sake.

Phew. Long day.

The camel catches up

So....yesterday probably WASN'T a disaster...I don't remember too much of it...what I do remember makes me feel stupid. Big surprise.

So I ended up being very productive yesterday. Yay! but my friends headed out to the pub at like 4pm and I didn't get there until 6:30. And they said "catch up. You're a pitcher and a half behind"...luckily I'm not totally retarded and drank fast but not stupidly fast...tho I did chug one beer in a race with Superfit for the last drink of a particular pitcher. I won of course. Everyone was out. It was great. One of the new students in my area was out...he's living with Junior...cool group mixing! And he was totally fun.

We ended up going for dinner around 8? Maybe...I'd been hungry since I got to the pub...so we ate and drank a bit more...Cody at least made a move and sat at the same table as I did...since the 13-person group had to be split in three to fit. Good move Cody. And then he somehow even made it onto the same side as me later...things were going not too badly.

Then one of our friends was having a houseparty so we walked to the beer store...lost about 4 people and then hit the party. I may have committed some social faux pas by buying beer with Junior and Superhost and not Cody...he asked me what I was getting and when I told him he may have looked a little sad...but this is not too important of an issue.

One beer at the party and everything went dumb. First, I think since Cody wasn't walking with me constantly I was starting to feel jealous which is dumb....but I think I was...and then at some point I just took off out in front cuz no one believed I knew where I was going...I wasn't mad....they're all just super slow...so anyway, ya, that first beer happened on the way to the party. Oh my. I don't usually just crack open my booze while walking on major roadways....but there you have it.

Suffice to say the party was a bit of a haze...I think I may have gone over to Cody a few times...but started to feel pathetic and eventually, hopefully, stopped...I can't stand the idea of being clingy but when I'm drunk I become very one-track. Eventually I realized my tummy hurt from eating fried shrimp, fries, and fried platter bar food plus beer and started asking people rub my belly..always a bad idea....but Smiley was there and he did a great job. After that I decided it was time to start in on the H2O and went for one...Cody had started in on the H20 soon after we arrived....anyway, I walked over to the sink, got some water...found Cody there and he put his arm around me so I stayed....and started thinking about escaping to my home....it wasn't even midnight!

Yup. So at 11:50 Cody walked me home...like a block so I was officially home by midnight. Embarassment ensued when I wanted to kiss him goodnight upstairs and he wanted to kiss me in my foyer...now I'm not big on that...kissing in the foyer...but I also didn't want to jump him either...but he was probably concerned he wouldn't leave...and he DID have to work first thing this morning. So....anyway, the camel is as usual feeling dumb...but overall, I think it was a good (yet very sloppy) night. Phew.

Camel....giggly

Honestly, given the rollercoaster I've been of late, this is no surprise. But seriously, I'm happy right now...I'll try to keep it short...scoop:

1. Wasn't inviting Cody out to improv
2. Invited Cody to improv cuz it came up
3. Was invited to Cody's after improv
4. Went to Cody's after improv
5. Made fool of self in car again
6. Invited Cody to Margaritaville
7. Cody said he shouldn't drink cuz he had to work early the next day
8. Cody came anyway
9. Timbuctoo also came...but didn't sit with us...and I don't think was there when I was sitting next to Cody
10. Cody stayed till we left
11. Cody walked the camel home and there was lots of kissing
12. Smiley thinks Cody's car behavior is due to him being "chicken-shit"...Tom. What's your take?

God I'm boring....by the way...if anyone is interested..the band "Frou Frou" friggin rocks.