depressed

This whole thing is so frustrating. And I am feeling more and more like even if Timbuctoo gets his head out of his ass that it will be a long hard battle to rebuild the trust in our relationship.

Outside of breaking the most important promise he has ever made to me, there's the fact that he refuses to answer my direct questions, which leaves me guessing the answers to questions I need answers to. It seems more and more clear that he is refusing to answer me because he knows that if he does my response will be "goodbye." Which of course is completely unfair to me and is why I'm not sure I can trust him again. How can I trust someone who would rather leave me miserable and without answers than let me get on with my life. It's selfish....he's simply avoiding facingme. I have been so good to him as he made his decision that for him to treat me this way is unbelievable. I deserve more respect that this. This is NOT the way to give our relationship a chance.

At any rate, I've been unbearably depressed the last two days, but I'm finally coming out of it. I'm tired of waiting for him to respond and am simply going to live my life as though he were no longer a part of it. What choice do I have? I'm so disappointed in him.

world sucks

Every day that goes by I feel more and more distant from Timbuctoo. Every time I hear from him, I don't feel less hopeful, just more like I don't want to bother with this anymore. That's what happens when you don't see someone. And I kinda have to wonder if that's happening with him.

The whole thing is just dumb. He emailed me today to say his therapist said it would be "best for all parties involved" if he didn't see me for a while. Who exactly are these parties? What am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait? Fuck that. Clearly this is better for her, because it just means Timbuctoo's not cheating on her, and it COULD be better for Timbuctoo in the sense of forgetting about me, but given that his relationship with her is crap, that's hardly the case...., and me? Well, out of sight out of mind, which is good until my exam, but then what. Sit around and wait? I'm just frustrated.

I mean, I know that it is important he deals with his issues, but that also always seems to involve him putting me on hold. There's never any putting her on hold...why didn't he encourage her to start in June instead of September, the jerk. I mean how much LESS complicated would things have been?

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing by just letting things happen here. I have the sneaking suspicion that I would save myself a huge amount of heart ache and time if I just walked away now.

my alphabet is a bit short

I miss Q. I do. I realized it the other day when I saw someone how looked like him and it was about a minute later that I realized I'd been following him.....

on the good side, we did chat for a few hours last night, which really made me feel better...though he was sad about a recent breakup and the whole relationsip thing.....but I shared my frustration, he shared his and the missing went away a bit.

walk on by

Such a rough week. Things were going so well, and then suddenly, out of nowhere.....Timbuctoo turns into a total jerk.

So I finally manage to track him down and call him on it and he basically tells me that he's barely keeping it together....that he's been avoiding me because he can't deal with the high and subsequent crash of being with me. That he needs to get some help. Great.

I fully support him going for therapy, but how can I help but think that basically wants happening is he's realized he can't put off breaking up with his gf any more and can't do it. That he promised me but doesn't have the balls to do it, not combined with the guilt (of what we've done) and the regret for letting his relationship with her go so wrong. And I can see his world of avoidance crashing in on him as he finally realizes that not seeing his mother is cruel, even if being with her is hard on him.

And he won't say it, but the truth is that his promises to me now mean absolutely nothing. I mean let's face it. Any therapist is gonna suggest him and his gf go for couples counciling...which means basically that he fesses up to his relationship with me and starts trying to fix his relationship with her, instead. And as much as I agree that you should try what you can to fix a relationship, they shouldn't be in a relationship and fixing it is not going to work. But him and his "relationships take work" mentality will end up sticking with her because he's terrified of admitting that their relationship shouldn't be.

I woant desperately to believe that the therapist will see this, but he won't. And I know I should give Timbuctoo more credit for being able to wade through good and bad suggestions, but let's face it, my chances aren't good.

And I am so angry. How could he promise me. How could he? Two weeks before the biggest exam of my life, he basically broke up with me. And he wasn't even going to talk to me about it...just avoid me until he got his shit together. I want to scream about how unfair it all is. And cry. And I haven't told anyone.

And how can I be angry at him? He's falling apart. He said he was hurt that I would suggest the resons for his avoidance that I did....but what can he expect? Until he actually does what he's said he will do, how can I trust him? And I've been as patient as I can be. I have basically given him an entire year more than it was supposed to be....in all fairness, the circumstances warranted it. But I told him that the end of July was it. I need my self respect. I need a deadline for going on with my life, either with or without him. And is it fair to me to change that because he can't cope with the pressure? I don't think it is. And I'm not going to change it. I can't live like this. I won't. Like he said when we talked about the fact that his gf was gonna stay for the summer, rather than leave in June as planned...if he can't break up with her, he doesn't deserve me.

Which brings me to another infuriating fact. I realize it is a problem he has that he clams up when he's upset, but all that was real in our relationship was the communication...the most important thing....and he never bothered to share the fact that she decided to stay (never bothered to let her know about the apparently imminent breakup so she coudl consider that). I'm so furious.

The truth is that I was stupid to believe things would turn out my way. And I'm just deluding myself to think that waiting this month will change anything.