homewrecker

Hm. Today was a bad day. Maybe i only need to blog when I have bad days, I don't know. But I have felt blah for the last few weeks. I feel without direction and without inspiration. All i want to do is lose myself in a world of someone else's fake life. I don't want to excercise or work or see my friends or party.

I guess I feel uncomfortably numb right now.

where am i

Ok, so i feel like a great big slug cuz I never run anymore. And to be frank, I don't want to run. i just feel like lazing around. And it's crap.

So I guess this how I want things to be:

1. run or do a mini work out every day...or how about five days a week? Three runs plus 2 work outs....plus volleyball, I guess...
2. work an 8 hour day each week day
3. not eat out
4. not buy new clothes or shoes
5. clean house when I get home and then weekly
6. organize notes, articles, data
7. do little jobs that have been hanging around all year (like send thank you notes, send congradulations cards, send insurance claims...yeesh)

business sense

Sometimes I just don't understand. How many of us have been happily working away in Starbucks or eating a travesty of a meal in MacDonalds only to be jolted from happy thoughts by an INCESSANT FUCKING BEEPING.

I understand that you need a signal that something is finished whatever it is finished doing. But why for the love of Peter do staff completely ignore this noise as if it is not happening? Rather than attending the signal, they walk around and do completely other tasks.

I have heard these beeps go on for five minutes until I wanted to throw my laptop at thier cow eyes. What the FUCK!

I like my Starbucks. The staff are nice. But do the morons in charge of customer service and advertising seriously believe people like to hear this noise? Come up with a better plan people. Why not give all staff the key to turn the fucking noise off? Why not have a flashing sign facing away from customers to alert you? ARG!

Dear Timbuctoo

I've never lied. And I've always shared with you my thoughts and fears. I wish I could leave you just for a moment and know everything could be the same when that moment ended. I was loyal to you today. And I hope you appreciate that. I believe he wanted to see me home. I believe I wanted to run my hands along his chest. But I believe in us. I believe that I have to give you and me a chance.

Dear Jaxx

Dear Jaxx,

unless I make a serious mistake, or we get drunk and have a heart to heart, you'll never hear this. And to be perfectly honest, that eats at my love for Timbuctoo like an acid. The truth is that if not for him, I'd have let you follow me home. Truth is that I've longed to see you smile at me since the day we met. Truth is that I'm as interested as I sometimes appear to be.

But the real truth is that I've committed to someone else. It makes me ache to feel that I'll never get to know what could have been between us. And it makes me ache to know that I say this while Timbuctoo goes home to someone else. And it makes me ache to know thata that I fantasize about something between us. I fantasize about him ending things with me. I fantasize about me making a mistake.

I love him. I do. I know that I can love him forever if he lets me. But on a very short list of regrets, you are a bold name.

I love to see you smile tonight. I loved to watch your slender tallness dance. I loved be in your gaze. You have a special quality of making each person you talk to feel like the center of the universe, and I know that you may not see me as I see you. And you may even still be with that kind and gentle soul. But I have always wanted to stand on my toes and tilt my head to your lips. And I just wish you could know.

I wish that you wouldn't believe that I send you mixed signals. Or that I won't someday say "no" and have to stumble over the why I feel you deserve. I wish that the world were simple and I could be with you for a moment.

I don't feel like we could be forever; I just feel like we should be somehow, somewhere. But I can't do that to him. After all we've done. Even if we were real, I couldn't.

without a dope beat to step to

I feel like nothing has changed in a very long time.

I'm not sad. I'm not happy.

I am stressed. I am too busy. I do feel guilty for things that I needen't. I do worry too much. I do spend too much money. I don't feel I'm as healthy as I should be.

I have however, discovered TV on DVD. Or more honestly, pirated onto DVD. I know I that for the last few years I have preached the gospel of not watching tv, but now I realize my problem is not with tv shows, but with commercials. I LOVE some of the shows out right now...Lost, Prison Break, Heroes, 24, Battlestar Galactica, Spooks......what I HATE is having to wait a week to watch them. And having to put up with commercials while I am watching them.

Junior and I watched the first two seasons of Lost this fall, getting through between 2 and 6 episodes every time we sat down. And it was awesome. Totally compelling. However, this season, trying to watch every Wednesday, I have no interest. It just doesn't do it for me.

I realize now that my thirst for action adventure movies has been slaked by tv shows on DVD. The last few years has seen a decline in the genre and I've been getting more and more bored. But tv shows on DVD are like long movies. I love it.

There is so much more time to develop the love interest....I think I watched the first season Prison Break three times in a month. You laugh...but there is nothing like a good story.

And speaking of good stories.....the return of book orders! stay tuned.