I'm going for a walk now
All week as I've responded to his emails I've wondered when he will stop emailing me back daily. And he has. And I've wondered if I should not email him back daily. And then I wonder if he'll think I don't care if I do. Which is absurd, I know.
And I float, thinking about what I want to say...so I'll say it here, so that if some day I get the chance, I'll know how....
I want him to ask me "how do you really feel about me?"
And I would say:
"When I'm around you, there's nowhere that I'd rather be. Whether we're sitting next to each other surrounded by people drinking a pitcher of beer or if I'm clutching you because I'm cold and you've just arrived at my apartment. I'd rather be lamenting what an awful thing we are doing than having another beer with my friends. When I think of the future, my stomache aches becasue I know that even if I should ever have the opportunity to be with you, it will be only after much grief and confusion and uncertainty on both our parts. And I don't believe the opportunity will ever come, anyway. And then I think about how hard it is that you come to me and are so close to being with me, but you won't be. And I'm sad. And I dread the time when we are truly through and I must learn not to feel so alive in your presence lest I wallow in selfish regret. I stop myself sometimes from imagining you and I living together and what that might look like and feel like, because I know it's a girlish fantasy that will only lead me to hurt more later. And I want to tell you that I nothing has ever felt better than my unfaltering honesty with you...that you know who I am, or more aptly, what I am capable of failing at. And then I want to grab you and shake you and tell you that I would never, ever cheat on you...and then fall away because I know you can't believe me. And I want to tell you all about Jessie but am terrified that you will believe that I am trying to say that I would never behave as you have and that makes you undesirable. I want to tell you how I adore your knowledge of everyday things...things I've never bothered to know, that I cherish about you. Like how to keep black mold out of my bathroom. Silly things. I adore your social conscience, your patience, your desire to make people happy, your sex drive, your athleticism, your confidence, your sense of humor, your taste in food, your desire for me, your love of coffee, the way you love your hockey team, how you tell stories of your failures, how you find your students funny, how you make me what to be healthier, and how you wrap your arms around my shoulders. And I'm terrified that there I'll never again find someone that makes me feel like you do and that not fighting for you is the most cowardly thing I'll ever do. That is how I feel about you."
....for existing in the first place....
And I float, thinking about what I want to say...so I'll say it here, so that if some day I get the chance, I'll know how....
I want him to ask me "how do you really feel about me?"
And I would say:
"When I'm around you, there's nowhere that I'd rather be. Whether we're sitting next to each other surrounded by people drinking a pitcher of beer or if I'm clutching you because I'm cold and you've just arrived at my apartment. I'd rather be lamenting what an awful thing we are doing than having another beer with my friends. When I think of the future, my stomache aches becasue I know that even if I should ever have the opportunity to be with you, it will be only after much grief and confusion and uncertainty on both our parts. And I don't believe the opportunity will ever come, anyway. And then I think about how hard it is that you come to me and are so close to being with me, but you won't be. And I'm sad. And I dread the time when we are truly through and I must learn not to feel so alive in your presence lest I wallow in selfish regret. I stop myself sometimes from imagining you and I living together and what that might look like and feel like, because I know it's a girlish fantasy that will only lead me to hurt more later. And I want to tell you that I nothing has ever felt better than my unfaltering honesty with you...that you know who I am, or more aptly, what I am capable of failing at. And then I want to grab you and shake you and tell you that I would never, ever cheat on you...and then fall away because I know you can't believe me. And I want to tell you all about Jessie but am terrified that you will believe that I am trying to say that I would never behave as you have and that makes you undesirable. I want to tell you how I adore your knowledge of everyday things...things I've never bothered to know, that I cherish about you. Like how to keep black mold out of my bathroom. Silly things. I adore your social conscience, your patience, your desire to make people happy, your sex drive, your athleticism, your confidence, your sense of humor, your taste in food, your desire for me, your love of coffee, the way you love your hockey team, how you tell stories of your failures, how you find your students funny, how you make me what to be healthier, and how you wrap your arms around my shoulders. And I'm terrified that there I'll never again find someone that makes me feel like you do and that not fighting for you is the most cowardly thing I'll ever do. That is how I feel about you."
....for existing in the first place....
posted by Camel at 3:09 p.m.
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