me and me and me
I should be thankful. Both my parents are alive. I live in a first world country. I have a roof over my head. But it's so easy to get caught up in all of life's little frustrations. Right this minute I'm ticked because I ruined one of my best makeup brushes trying to fix a nail with a home gel nails kit and because the nail is looks worse than before. What stupid things to be annoyed about. And yet....
In all honesty, that's only the most superficial layer. It's funny how everyday quirks are manifestations of our REAL insecurities and frustrations. Slowly but surely I am starting to see mine. For example, today I did four things that upset me....and they are all interrelated.
The first was that I spent a bunch of money I didn't have on christmas gifts for my brother and my mom's husband. I'm glad I got them because it would just feel wrong if I didn't, but really I was very conflicted about it because I get mom, her husband and my bro gifts and no one gets me anything (athough my mom and her husband usually give me a gift of cash). I put alot of effort into finding things I think they'll like....because I care to, but I'm the only one. I wasn't conflicted because of this, this will always be the way it is. I was conflicted because I really couldn't afford it this year and because my best friend's family really wanted to get me something but I begged my best friend to talk them down because even though I wanted to get them gifts, it seemed very wrong to buy them something and not my family.....even though they went to some effort.
I know my mom would go to the effort given the means, but it's her fault she doesn't have the means...which frustrates me. And she does nothing to try and get a job anyway....
Anyway, so I started the day with that...and then they picked me up to take me to our small town where they live. And the anxiety nearly destroyed me. They are so unkempt and hick-ish that it kills me. I'm literally embarrassed to be in public with my mother whose hair always looks like it hasn't been brushed in days and which she always wears tucked into her winter coat...which she practically never takes off...she looks awful. And when I bring it up she just doesn't seem to get what she's doing wrong. She cares but refuses to the things necessary to change. It sickens me. No one gives her any respect because she doesn't respect herself. And I realized today that I have no respect for her. And that is terrible.
So they took me out for dinner and I was almost immediately stuffed and ate nothing...it was a late dinner so my insulin was all out of whack anyway. But when we got home I managed to eat most of the dinner I took home plus a ton of chocolates so my blood sugars skyrocketed. Smart. Real smart. So my frustration with that eventually led me to naw on my fingernails, as fake as they may be and mess them up enough to need to try and fix one of them,....which brings us full circle.
FRUSTRATION. And worst of all is I know exactly why...anxiety at being in my mother's home...she claims to be very busy keeping house but it is always dusty and filled with garbage and unorganized...I mean their coffee maker broke a few months ago. They bought a new one and put the old one downstairs on a shelf. I mean, WHY?!! For christ's sake throw the F^&&*ing away!!!!! God! And going into the room I sleep in I was completely distressed to find bags of crap and dust everywhere....I mean seriously. Just throw shit out already. GOD!
So I guess i need to get a handle on myself. It's 2am and I think I'm going to watch another disc of Season 4 of 24 which my best friend got me for xmas. I need to relax. I need to finish grading exams. I need to do laundry. I need to work and be productive and eat properly. I need to get a handle on my disgust for my mother and try to help her....
I can do this. I know I can learn to live with who my family are. I must. I can't just walk away and pretend they don't exist. I must accept them and learn to like them.
In all honesty, that's only the most superficial layer. It's funny how everyday quirks are manifestations of our REAL insecurities and frustrations. Slowly but surely I am starting to see mine. For example, today I did four things that upset me....and they are all interrelated.
The first was that I spent a bunch of money I didn't have on christmas gifts for my brother and my mom's husband. I'm glad I got them because it would just feel wrong if I didn't, but really I was very conflicted about it because I get mom, her husband and my bro gifts and no one gets me anything (athough my mom and her husband usually give me a gift of cash). I put alot of effort into finding things I think they'll like....because I care to, but I'm the only one. I wasn't conflicted because of this, this will always be the way it is. I was conflicted because I really couldn't afford it this year and because my best friend's family really wanted to get me something but I begged my best friend to talk them down because even though I wanted to get them gifts, it seemed very wrong to buy them something and not my family.....even though they went to some effort.
I know my mom would go to the effort given the means, but it's her fault she doesn't have the means...which frustrates me. And she does nothing to try and get a job anyway....
Anyway, so I started the day with that...and then they picked me up to take me to our small town where they live. And the anxiety nearly destroyed me. They are so unkempt and hick-ish that it kills me. I'm literally embarrassed to be in public with my mother whose hair always looks like it hasn't been brushed in days and which she always wears tucked into her winter coat...which she practically never takes off...she looks awful. And when I bring it up she just doesn't seem to get what she's doing wrong. She cares but refuses to the things necessary to change. It sickens me. No one gives her any respect because she doesn't respect herself. And I realized today that I have no respect for her. And that is terrible.
So they took me out for dinner and I was almost immediately stuffed and ate nothing...it was a late dinner so my insulin was all out of whack anyway. But when we got home I managed to eat most of the dinner I took home plus a ton of chocolates so my blood sugars skyrocketed. Smart. Real smart. So my frustration with that eventually led me to naw on my fingernails, as fake as they may be and mess them up enough to need to try and fix one of them,....which brings us full circle.
FRUSTRATION. And worst of all is I know exactly why...anxiety at being in my mother's home...she claims to be very busy keeping house but it is always dusty and filled with garbage and unorganized...I mean their coffee maker broke a few months ago. They bought a new one and put the old one downstairs on a shelf. I mean, WHY?!! For christ's sake throw the F^&&*ing away!!!!! God! And going into the room I sleep in I was completely distressed to find bags of crap and dust everywhere....I mean seriously. Just throw shit out already. GOD!
So I guess i need to get a handle on myself. It's 2am and I think I'm going to watch another disc of Season 4 of 24 which my best friend got me for xmas. I need to relax. I need to finish grading exams. I need to do laundry. I need to work and be productive and eat properly. I need to get a handle on my disgust for my mother and try to help her....
I can do this. I know I can learn to live with who my family are. I must. I can't just walk away and pretend they don't exist. I must accept them and learn to like them.
posted by Camel at 4:00 a.m.
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