How Stuff Works

Definitely a personal favorite.

In his eyes

So I talked to Q about Sesame Street last night. Briefly. I just asked if he could pass on my contact info, but Q said he didn't have Sesame Street's email address. Which is fine. He told me which of our friends did. But I couldn't help but feel some aggravation in his messengering.

It's probably just me being overly concerned, but Q is really important to me and I really hope that he is not annoyed with me. Sigh.

I mean, why is it so difficult to say "Q, are you annoyed with me for making out with someone on your couch?" I mean, many people would be, but probably not Q. I guess the issue is the same as with my best friend. Am I taking advantage? I don't know...sigh.

Busy Camel

It's been a busy week of laying my soul on the line for others to stamp on it...and stamping at the soul of others....here's the scoop.

1. Went out with Jesse James.....never feel quite right about that...always end up feeling ridiculously happy and smitten followed by doubt and guilt and confusion...how does he do that. He really is the ideal guy for me except for his COMPLETE AND UTTER UNEXPLAINABLE lack of libido. I really don't understand this guy. Anyway, my insatiable libido clashes with this fact and it always ends up that I feel guilty for no reason (according to my best friends).

2. Called so-called best friend of days of yore...i.e., the one I chose Jesse over....she's kinda hinted in the past that she'd like to rekindle our friendship...or at least talk once in a while, but I have never felt I could. Now, with Jesse in a square box and my life in some sort of order...and my self-respect and identity in some sort of reasonably, almost acceptable position...I thought I should make contact. I ran into her after this summer's SNAFU SNAFU (it was a double snafu, I assure you) with Jesse (unrelated to so-called) and really for the first time felt like I wanted to know how she was doing ...rather than to hear that she had done something embarrassing or something. So I got her email address but didn't email her until now. Amazing how she still elicits so much emotion. Anyway, successful contact. Tentative plans have been made for coffee.

3. Have treated my mother retardedly badly. You know how you watch some people interact with their family and it disgusts you how little respect they show? Well, that's me. I just don't respect my mother. I love her intensely but it's a fact I can't escape. And it shows in how I treat her (at home not in public, at least I hope). I am having serious trouble treating her better. I keep trying but I am so frustrated with her inability to make any changes to her life that I can hardly bear it. And all I succeed in doing is driving her self-esteem further down with my rude, unsolicited comments. AAARG!

4. Have not yet spoke to Q about getting Sesame Street's contact info. He has been completely overshadowed by Jesse. But I do like him and would like to msn with him. I am just a little shy about talking to Q about him. I know Q judges me favorably (his words) but I feel so silly (he knows Sesame Street from his frat years). Well, not so much silly as sort of naughty. In the bad way. Even though Q is likely to try and high five me on it. Grrr..

5. I have been taking way too much advantage of my best friend. She keeps saying she doesn't mind driving me all over Kingdom Come, but she must. I feel really bad too because I know that she will take me where I want to go, so that takes other people, whose impressions I am more worried about, off the hook. Like Jesse and Kitty. I don't mean to take them off the hook, I just don't want to beg them to pick me up. hrrrummph.

So, I as always, I am feeling guilty. Q says that I do all teh same things as he does but don't have any of the fun. I have all the guilt. My best friend says I have to stop being so hard on myself. Why can't I just believe them. It's funny how your inner monologue just insists that they just don't really know the whole story. When really they probably know it better than I do.

Song of the week

If you can give it I can take it
'Cause if this heart is gonna break it's gonna take a lot to break it I know tonight
Somebody's gonna win the fight
So if you're so tough
Come on and prove it
You heart is down for the count and you know you're gonna lose it
Tonight you're gonna go down in flames
Just like Jesse James

Just Like Jesse James - Cher

Ridiculous Fact #4

The Camel is addicted to blogging.

She extends apologies to anyone who reads her blog and is dismayed by the lengthy and frequent posting. It's probably gonna get worse before it gets better.

My Goddess

So apparently my goddess is Tsai Wen-chi...i'm too lazy to upload a picture ....

Tsai Wen-chi was the beautiful daughter of the famous Han dynasty scholar, Tsai Yung. Toward the end of the Eastern Han era, amid the chaotic political upheavals and foreign invasions, she was taken hostage by the barbarian king. There, in an alien land, she languished for twelve years, until the warlord Chou negotiated her release. Upon her return, Wen-chi found her father had passed away, leaving reams of essays and manuscripts in disarray. Thereupon she made the vow that she would not rest until his work was finished. The end result was a compilation of over four hundred volumes that took years to complete, and became a Chinese literary classic.

I think this is almost me....I would probably pick a little more of an ass-kicking goddess...I kinda like the idea of being a super-agent....but since Nikita wasn't an option...

Which Woman of Legend Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

Thanks to Almond for finding this super cool site.

Camel on skates

Today was my little step-brother's birthday so I went rollerblading with his friends and his brother and sister. What fun! The rented skates were pitiful, so I was missing my own groovy blades in a big way, but it was a ton of fun. We skated, I taught by s-bro and s-sis how to play pool...great fun.

And my dad sat down and taught me the Arabic alphabet earlier in the day so that was ultra-cool. I am so pumped about learning Arabic. It's this great big challenge and I just want to do it right now (alas, I have much other work ahead in the queue).

Happy day. Red letter day.

Encounters with Jesse James

It's hard to believe this is the first ever post devoted to Jesse James. I have known him since my second year of university. And dating him was a rather large SNAFU involving the loss of one so-called best friend. But that is water under the bridge.

Knowing Jesse has been a turbulent ride to say the least. He's definitely not like other guys. And my best friend argues convincingly that this is the reason why we are still in touch seven years later. Because I love the challenge. SEVEN YEARS!! That number always startles me.

Anyway, got together with Jesse Sunday night. Had a fantastic time, with the obligatory fight in the middle of the night. It blows my mind how I always end an evening with Jesse in a state of frustration. Regardless, the rest of the night more than overshadows that commonality.

Two things really. First, he talked to me about he feels unsettled in his life. Pretty much because next on the "be a good boy" to do list is "get married". But it was so unbelievable to talk to him about something so intimate. Jesse tends to appear to not have emotions. This was a clear indication otherwise. And the sense of vulnerability about him was intoxicating.

Second, he kept holding my hand. Which is something he will do, but I can't remember him ever doing it without prompting. But Sunday night he just grabbed my hand, locked our fingers together and squeezed. And he did it repeatedly over the night. Really, I just can't relate how good that felt. I don't think I ever really felt quite so wanted as I did then.

Wow. Anyway, more feelings to follow.

Camel's Toy of the Year

The Hasbro Bop it Extreme 2. Nice toy. Builds eye-hand-coordination, doesn't do the same thing every time and doesn't fill up the toy box. Ages 8 and up.

Not the Griffins

Being an honourary member of another family, especially a relatively non-dysfunctional one is super cool. I got more presents and holiday treats from my best friend's extended family than my own! Granted my mom avoids her extended family and my dad is muslim and doesn't celebrate Christmas, but still. It's kinda odd. Nice, but odd. Anyway, this is a great big virtual "WOW. THANK YOU" to all of my best friend's family. You guys have been great. And I hope that I can repay your kindness someday.

Ridiculous Fact #3

Lint is malicious.

Wow, my mom just watched an entire movie

American Beauty is a really good movie. I haven't seen it in ages, but I brought it home because I knew my mom hadn't seen it. She actually sat still for 2 hours and 35 minues (except for when she needed to walk around and return the feeling to her legs). Wow. Go Kevin Spacey!

I ate too much

And I bet you did too. Oh well, that's Christmas. Am sleepy and my laundry is only now being done....and I am going back to the city tommorrow so this is my last chance...kinda late, but oh well...

I didn't really get a chance to relax like I thought I would...mostly because I have been feeling guilty for not being on schedule with my work. But seriously, I've definitely worked more over the holiday than anyone I know. I have got to stop setting my goals so high.

I'm also feeling quite a bit of guilt for being so hard on my mom. She's a good person and she's really not as bad as I keep giving her heck for being. I'm starting to realize that. But I am really bad at apologizing. I need to stop jumping down her neck for EVERYTHING. Sometimes I just take my frustrations out on her - by pointing out things that she does that are ridiculous. And the rest of the time I jump down her throat before I consider that her reasononing might make sense. Which sometimes it does.

My mom definitely needs to get off her bum and do something, but I really don't need to be so snarky with her. Sigh, another year, another lamentation about my lack of patience and my mother's lack of backbone. Sigh. I can't believe she loves me so much sometimes.

Brothers...

So mine is significantly less aggravating this visit. I am actually enjoying his company. Which is not to say he is any less annoying. He is poking fun at how much I love to blog and keeps coming into the computer room to harrass me (I have a strict no-sharing-of-my-blog-with-people-I-know rule). But its annoying in that "yay!" sorta way.

I figured out that I have a modem in my laptop so I can now blog with much greater ease because I can connect to the dial-up internet out here on my laptop which is a gazillion times faster than my parent's computer (my old desktop). Hurray!!!

Now if I could only figure out why I can't connect to other wireless networks besides the one in my apartment it will be a very merry christmas indeed.

Actually, despite feeling guilty about snapping constantly at my mother, this day is going pretty well. In fact, when other people are hanging around, it is a lot more fun to be here. Not that they are particularly interesting people, but they take the focus of attention off me (for mom) and (for me) off of the abysmal organization of my mother's life.

But this is about brothers. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy to have time to hang out with my brother. I think he is only visiting today so I better go harrass him. Bye!

It's true, it's Christmas!

Merry Christmas bloggers. In general Christmas tends not to be my favorite time of year, probably because it is a reminder of how dysfunctional (my) families are. However, Beef just blogged me a Merry Christmas and has inspired my Chrismas spirit. So now I am gonna go blog random people Merry Christmas. This one goes out to all of you who read my blog and so I am not going to attempt to Merry Chrismas individually, since this stupid dial-up connection is severly hindering my creative Chrismassing and blogging. And I might be kinda lazy (sleepy) too. So, MERRY CHRISTMAS folks!

Song of maybe just today

You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs
But I look around me and I see it isn't so
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs

And what's wrong with that?

-Silly Love Songs by Wings

Back in rural hell

Ah, home. Where the internet connection is 46 kbps and my mother accomplishes meal s and floor sweeping on a regular basis. Wow, my self-control is less than ipressive as my mother ignores her dishwasher or runs it with like 5 plates in it. Help!

I'm trying hard to accept her miserable existence, but it is so painfully obvious that she hates her life that it is killing me. Seriously women, do something about it!!!!!! I mean showering daily might help. Not wearing socks that have more holes than material might help. Not wearing the same thing for three days might help. God damn it!

I have never met such a helpless person. I mean it's not like she's not smart. She is. It's not like she isn't capable, she is. But she just sits around and asks people what they want. And NEVER does what she wants. God forbid. And it's not that she likes being a martyr or anything, it's that she acts and feels like she HAS TO ask. Lik she is a gues isn someone else's home. Would you believe that every time she showers she brings her shapmpoo and condition from her bedroom, where she keeps it is a plastic grocery bag? I mean put your stuff in the bathroom for Christ's sake. And why do you keep putiting your toothpaste back in the box, are you pretending it is a new tube each time you brush your teeth? Get a grip on reality woman!

My best friend always reminds me that I need to remember that I can't wave a wand and make my mother better and theat I already do more than most poeople would but why can't she see how self-destructively she behaves? WHY?

Naughty and nice.

I was naughty. Let's call him Sesame Street. He's cute and has a PhD in Inorganic chemistry. And he's agressive. He was fun to catch, but lives in Chicago. Oh, well. Fun night of misbehaving.

I'm going home to see my mom in a few minutes! Hurray. Unfortunately for mom, I will probably fall asleep as soon as I get home...that's what you get for staying up all night.

Hmmm....are the bloggers judging me? Funny how I feel so hesitant to say I've been bad to people I don't know. Though I think I am starting to get to know a few people...and you guys rock, btw.

Anyway, the blog is here to reveal my goods and bads. And probably more my bads, because those are the ones that I wouldn't discuss honestly with others...anyway, suffice to say that I am probably projecting my sense of guilt (or feeling that I should feel guilty) on others. Oh the webs we weave. Neurotic fools are mankind.

Dag Nabit, it's cold!

Gotta love Canada. Frost bite is always an option.

Terror Alert?!

Dear God, I nearly cried this is so funny!

Current Terror Alert Level: I think I need to make my own...hmmm...

Rule for a camel #4

Upon donning socks, do not attempt to move quickly across smooth surfaces. Failure to heed this advice may result in bruising and loud noises.

Lists and more lists - before I die

So I have read a few blogs recently with lists on them. I actually saw a to-do list. Wow, you're way to organized. Not that I remember the blog address. Sorry folks. But it was kinda cool. There actually crossed off items....neat.

Anyway, here's a list of things I want to do before I die. To be appended later, I guess...

1. Fall in love again
2. Live in Europe
3. Learn Arabic
4. See my mother truly happy
5. Do some extraordinary hike like the Northwest Trail or the Inca Trail
6. Learn to drive a standard
7. Learn to drive a standard well
8. Be debt-free
9. Read Dante's Divine Comedy
10. STOP BITING MY FINGERNAILS (does this even belong on this list?)
11. Take my best friends on a vacation to say thank you

Hmm...that was harder to do than I thought....

Thanks for playing

Met up with Stripper-J and B-control today and had a blast! So good to see friends. I sure wish I had met Stripper-J more than a year ago. What a great girl. We were destined to be friends. Oh well, they might come visit over spring break which would be fantastic!

Discussed and laughed all evening. It was great. Though I really wish I could learn to stop biting my nails. I mean really, it's not even like I have anything to worry about (controllable) this minute. Yeesh. Anyway, dare to dream that someday I will develop some self-control.

So totally fun night. B-control gave me the best line ever: "thanks for playing". How about that for phrase of the year. To the 40 year old idiot hitting on you at the bar. "No thank you. Thanks for playing" Very amusing.

Get to see MetroMat tommorrow. Can't wait. And MetroDrew too. Oh boy! Missed you guys! My super-well-dressed and super-smart pals. And I wouldn't mind a Merry Christmas kiss form MetroDrew, for that matter.

Rule for a camel #3

The world is a vast and interesting place, full of a variety of people and pets. Don't limit yourself. There is no reason to believe that current options are the only options.

Hello and welcome to my holiday

Well, I am feeling better. Yesterday I hung out with my posh and well-to-do friend, Kitty. And while I was as-per-normal sad that I didn't have great nails and a tall body like her, I had a great time and didn't feel sad about money too much. Good. I am tired of hearing myself complain.

In other news, I am finding that despite being home and able to visit people, i would really rather hole up with my homework and work. Lazy bum!

I am learning all about the visual system. No easy task I assure you. Funny how we take it for granted. Watched Kill Bill 2 last night and was quite horrified when Uma poked out Darryl's remaining eye. In retrospect,it would have taken a lot more work to get her eye out, but hey, who am I to question Tarrintino.

Turns out we have some very interesting muscles on our eyeball. One on each of the left and right and then two on top and two on the bottom. These allow use to rotate our eye in all sorts of absurd directions. It's really quite magnificent.

Anyway, enough about nothing. Hope all you bloggers are having a great holiday!

About Pop

To be honest, Pop is one of my favorite topics. All of my close friends except Pop and Smileys have heard all about Pop. In fact, I've been thinking about Pop since mid-September. And according to Q, we are dating without any of the benefits. And my roomie has taken to telling everyone she can that we are in love and that she wants to be a bridesmaid at our wedding.

You can see my hesitation. But maybe it's my own fault.

Pop is this wonderful guy I met during orientation. Part of the cool little crowd of friends roomie and I have amassed. And I have fun with him. He's smart, introspective, musical, athletic. Just plain interesting. Sadly, he is passive. And it drives me nuts. I absolutely LOVE spending time with him. And to be honest, I also love waiting to see if tonight he'll kiss me, but he never does. He just casts me a wistful look as he walks out my door.

He's great. He really is, but I really don't know if I just find him so attractive because there is a SERIOUS lack of options in my current locale. I mean, I'm not VERY attracted to him physically, but that mostly has to do with the fact that he presents such a passive exterior. And I can't say I am crazy about his hairstyle, though in all honesty, I can't really imagine what I would be crazy about.

Anyway, great guy. Don't get me wrong. He's awesome. Gives an A+ back massage. But as for our compatibility? Doubtful. Sigh.

He's either a great kisser or a terrible kisser, and I just am not sure I want to know either way.

Today in the life of camel

Today was good day. Q and I woke up late and had Second Cup for breakfast (I haven't had a poppy seed butterfly in four months!) and then we went shopping. And I didn't spend a dime all day.

On the one hand I feel infinitely guilty for letting Q pay for everything, but he insists he's just happy to have me home. And admittedly, I am infinitely grateful for his kindess. I hate not paying equally, but I really missed my Q. And am just plain happy to spend time with him.

Sometimes I just can't believe what wonderful friends I have. And given all my recent blatherings about money, this probably sounds like me saying I like to be spoiled. But its not. I am just so happy when I get to hang out with Q. And he is so happy to hang out with me. We can talk about anything and no judgments are passed. Sigh. It's so great to have such wonderful friends.

Thanks up there.

Beautiful Moment with a Stranger #2 - TJ

I met a boy today. Not one that I could think about as any sort of love interest, but a boy who piqued my interest nonetheless. It all started with Q’s work Christmas party. He asked me to go as his date since he needed one and I always get along with people. So, that was that. At some point, the dance started. And as always, I wanted to dance. Q doesn’t dance, so I started scoping out people I found attractive enough to dance with. One was this boy in an orange shirt and matching tie. So I told Q I was interested. On one of many mingle-walks, we stopped at the table of the boy with the orange shirt and I met him and TJ.

I had a relatively uninteresting few dances with orange shirt before returning to Q’s side. Eventually though, we ended up sitting at the same table as these two boys. And I started to notice TJ. In a royal blue shirt and a tie with James Dean. A simple black coat. TJ just split with his girlfriend who he has a kid with. And he was noticeably preoccupied.

Maybe it was his unavailability. Maybe it was the obvious sensitive side, I don’t know. But TJ is indelibly printed on my mind. The momentary distraction quickly replaced with hopelessness. The superficial efforts to enjoy dancing. A beautiful human being. The epitome of emotion.

He seemed happy only once in the evening. During the last song, which I requested. As we danced with a group, he caught my eye and I sang the lyrics happily. He smiled and held my gaze just long enough for me to wish I could see him again.

But he is gone. Another beautiful moment with a beautiful stranger. May you find the happiness that I see your heart deserves.

This week's lyric

I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees

Oh, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And now my head's been filled with doubt

- Sympathy - The Goo Goo Dolls

oh God I feel nauseous...

ARGG!!!

did i mention how much i hate being broke? My bank called today to remind me that I am two months behind paying my VISA. Like i didn't know. The problem is that I have been clawing to pay my bill, but I am waiting for my stupid insurance company to send the money I need to pay it. $#*&@#(*$&(@#*$&*(#$&(*$"$#*&@#(*$&(@#*$&*(#$&(*$'>$#*&@#(*$&(@#*$&*(#$&(*$">$#*&@#(*$&(@#*$&*(#$&(*$#&!!

The worst of it is that my beautiful credit rating is now going down the tubes, and that the bank is fully within their rights to double my monthly interest rate. *&&*&*)(&*()%%^%^^#^&#^@)*&&***@#^&#^&!

So, I called my mom to beg for some cash until I get paid. Which totally sucks cuz I already owe her and her husband like $300. And they certainly don't have the cash to just toss around. I HATE THIS. ACK.

Hopefully they can bail me out of this. Just a couple hundred bucks until I get paid. And maybe just maybe I can squeak by the rest of the year paying off some of this absurd bill. God help me.

I feel like throwing up. I really do.

Ok, enough complaining. I feel really bad because my poor best friend is having a crisis of motivation in her life. And really needs me. And she just walked in........apparently she thinks I'm doing an okay job of being supportive and says I shouldn't worry about it. I can do better.

Positive plan: My mother will lend me some money and the bank will leave me alone. I will get paid and pay back my mother. I will live carefully for the rest of the year and get a SSHRC so next year isn't so hard. And I will listen carefully and completely to my best friend tommorrow.

Phew.

Red Letter Day

I finally got rid of the world's most annoying spyware. It's a red letter day.

A word about pop.

So, every time that I think that I have finally decided that I am not interested in Pop, he shows a little more of himself and he's sexy again. My best friend correctly concluded that the faintly mysterious nature of Pop is a big part of his appeal to me, but hey, that's life.

Here's the scoop whether you want it or not. The thing about Pop that bugs me is that he is super passive. He's fun and smart and fairly good looking, but he is sooooo passive that I am certain that if we ever dated, I would just get annoyed with him all the time.

But, he's a little better on the basketball court. I mean, he drives to the basket and doesn't stop to worry about knocking me over. Good. (And he's good enough that driving to the basket is not like a freight train bearing down on you). And he's definitely got other interesting little traits.

For example, he can give back rubs on the order of four hours. Wow. He worked on my roomie for 2 and on my back for 2. And he is the first person, EVER, to get the knots out from behind my shoulderblades. I've never got a professional massage, but still.

And some of the words that came out of his mouth while we were chatting....not sure what to think....but that everyone thinks Pop is super innocent is an image I think he allows to be subscribed to...I think he's a little more than he let's on...he just has a very discrete nature.

Sigh. If he would just kiss me, this would be easy. But I am standing fast behind my original choice. I'm not kissing him first.

Here I am.

Well, I'm home. And I don't have to work anymore. There was a little hiccup doing some statistics that I had promised my old bosses (who are super duper nice and don't deserve to wait for) but it's all fine now. And I had a good sleep last night. Hurray!

It feels so good to be back in the world of my blog. For the past week I was too busy to blog and then I couldn't get on the net. And I thought I would go crazy. I had so much to say. I can't remember what it all was, but at any rate, I was really sad that I couldn't say it. Wondering how all you bloggers are doing... *~$&!~* how ya doin? Take that birthday angst and throw it at something useful, like learning crytography, or something absurd like that. You are far too cool to be feeling bad about being mature. Maturity makes you cooler. But since you are still way younger than me, I can say that. :)

So, I feel good. Still broke, but I am home with some very important people that I missed very much. And it bears mentioning that my best friend is the most thoughtful person in the world.

Word of the Week #1

Indelible. Your memory is indelible on the corners of my mind.

Dear blog...

I missed you. My computer has gone crazy and wouldn't connect to the internet for four days. We've had a good talk and though we are still disagreeing on some very important issues, we have agreed that I should be allowed to blog, if only to vent about my computer. Thank God!

If [we/you] don't like [you/it], [we'll send you/go] to [Syria/Russia]

So, if you bother trying to decrypt the title of this post, I am mixing the absurdity of the American government with classic Homer Simpson....ah it was funny at the time.

Anyway, a headline caught my eye today and for once the associated article kept my interest...I almost ran into my supervisor as I walked the halls with my nose buried in this article. The headline read:

"SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME. Surveillance and privacy in the post-911 world" - Queen's Alumni Review

The article went on to discuss surveillance in Canada and I have to admit as a non-european, the article hit a bit close to home. As a web savvy kind of gal, I spend a lot of time creating usernames and passwords and think merrily that I am fairly unfindable. But this argues vehemently that this is not only not so, but I am being sorted and labelled.

The first thing that made me angry was how call priority when you are on hold sometimes depends on the area of a city you live in. And the kind of concessions given to you by telephone bank operators sometimes depends on the business you bring to the back...which can lead to the all powerful evil of the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. Damn business.

I know that surveillance has its place and that the continuum between Big Brother and Anarchy is so hazy that no one can even guess where the happy medium is hiding. But the idea that I might be denied flight within my own country if I do not have a passport seems unbelievable.

I haven't fact-checked the article but I am feeling a bit more vulnerable today. And a lot more paranoid. Throw in the Trojan that is plaguing my computer and I am feeling a little too in touch with others...damn the man to hell.

Sex tips by Steve

Find a man and do it.

evolutionary what?

So I was walking to school with my roommate this morning when she proceeded to tell me how I was an evolutionary reject and she was the pinnacle of evolution. Garbage. In good fun, but still irked me. Anyway, walking home tonight I started thinking about how I thought of myself. It's true that without certain scientific advancements (Thank you Banting and Best!) I would be dead or suffering. But I have achieved just as much as roomie, with less solid parenting, less health and certainly less money. So what does that say about me exactly. Something good I think.

Anyway, those of you who have actually read this blog will know that I have added a poem to my blog. My favorite poem. I found it in grade 8 and memorized. It's worth a read.

seesaw the emotion cat

So I was at a party tonight where someone asked me straight out if I had a blog. I felt obliged to tell the truth, I think mostly cuz I was interested in where the conversation was going. But at any rate, I admitted to 2 more people I had a blog (in addition to the 3 important enough to know so that I could share my reactions to it). It was weird. I really didn't want them to know where it was or how to find it, but I thought it ok to tell them I had one and why. I guess I really want this blog so I can talk about the people who could read between the lines to know who I was talking about. Funny. Acquaintances are less threatening.

Anyway, we got to talking about how blogs tend to be written to only about very negative or very positive life experiences. And it's funny that this should be so. I mean this only refers to personal blogs, not so much the soapbox political blogs. But that brought up another issue: are blogs just a medium for shouting from out own intimately personal soapbox? I think yes.

I guess I was thinking that I don't want my blog to just be a page where I complain and herald my good fortune because I think I am more complex than that. So I hope that I am able to write about more than just my last serious sadness or happiness and talk about those things that pique and terrify me, that needle and confuse me.

Ridiculous Fact #2

My roommate does not eat things that are purple.

oops

So I did a bad thing last night. I kissed someone that I maybe shouldn't have. I kissed Pop's friend. I kissed him with the condition he not tell Pop and it was fairly innocent since he is leaving town for pretty much forever at the end of the month and I really have no interest in anything beyond that one kiss. But I feel like having kissed Explosive would change Pop's opinion of me in some negative way. I mean, I wanted Explosive to kiss me and I am glad he did, it was most enjoyable, but given the chance to take it back, I probably would not do it again.

On the one hand, I feel really guilty. Like this past summer with Big T and Little m happened again. But it's not the same, on the other hand: Pop and I have no official commitment or unofficial for that matter. And in neither case did I really do anythign wrong, but I can't change the fact that I feel a twinge of guilt.

I don't think that it matters, really. Even if Pop finds out, it was just one kiss. Just a mutual attraction expressed. Nothing further. Pop gets so much of my attention that roomie has taken to telling everyone that we are gonna be married someday. So he really shouldn't be complaining, not that he would...

This one's for roomie

While the Gods are still smiling at me, they are conspicuously ignoring my poor rommate. Today, I dropped forty dollars I had just earned tutoring. I madly rushed back through my steps and encountered two very nice people who asked if I had dropped anything....restores my faith. I wish those two people a long and happy life because they are truly good people.

Sadly, my roommate's bike got stolen today. She loves here bike. Rides it to school everyday. She would never steal from anyone. And she is soooo sad. She is generally so happy. And she is so wronged right now, that I just wanted to hug her and hug her.

And to add to her angst...our joint insurance policy has never heard of her. An error by someone because my signature isn't there either...but how stressful is that?

Sigh.

my cup runneth over..

I learned in my Self class this term that in general Japanese people tend to expect good things will be soon followed by bad whereas North Americans tend to think bad things won't happen to them. Now before y'all go off on me for making sweeping generalizations, let me remind you that I am making a SUMMARY statement about a paper I read. So, take it with a grain of salt. Anyway, the point of this little tirade is that this week I have been turning Japanese. In response to the utter and bewildering frustration of last week, the Gods have seen fit to grant me some needed relief.

So that's the long way of saying that I had a good week.

Here's the scoop: my old boss called me and asked if I could do her a "favor" and analyse some data that I helped gather (well I rewrote the program for gathering and analysing the data, anyway) and she wants to pay me. A favor, hah. My hero is more like it.

Then, I found a winter coat and paid about 50% of the normal price for it because a) it was on sale and b) I showed up on extra discount day. I also got it at a store I have a Visa for, mitigating the need to spend cash, which is sorta good in the short run anyway.

And, my roommate started jibing me about when me and Pop are gonna admit we are in love, which made me think perhaps Pop is still interested which, while maybe not something that has a serious future, is a nice distraction.

And I did better than my roommate in stats. Which I know is kind of a mean thing to be happy about but I always feel so guilty that I am not working hard enough compared to her. She is so dedicated so it feels nice to know that I do work hard. I love my roommate, I do. She just gives me an inferiority complex.

I did reasonably ok in the Self. Better than I did in stats, so I guess I should be thankful....It's hard because I don't really understand what a good grade is. Anyway, an A is 80% and over, I think so I'm probably safe.

Let's see, *~$&!~* said I should write a book. That was a very nice opinion to wake up to. Thanks.

And lastly and new today, I will be tutoring someone over the next week at $20 an hour. Nice.

So you see, I feel pretty good right now. I'm not out of the red, but I'm not hanging by a thread either anymore and that helps. I'm trying not to think about when things are gonna fall down again...

Up. Down. I keep telling myself that I have to just enjoy the ride, regardless, but man, sometimes this ride goes too fast and I want to throw up. But at least it's not boring...

Standing tall and moving on

Sometimes life kicks you hard. I'm broke, *~$&!~* is broke and a good friend of mine and a general pillar of humaninty just got a DUI. There's a life lesson in here somewhere that I am gonna ramble on about. I may miss the point completely so by all means correct me, but here goes.

When I screw something up really bad, like assign too many people to a post that we don't have the funding to pay for in the first place, I feel really bad. And that bad feeling stems firstly from the terror of telling, in this case, my boss that I screwed up. I drive myself nearly nuts thinking about thier reaction. I hate it. The feeling is so palpable and inescapable that you wake up with a feeling of dread. It's awful.

One of the things I hate most about the necessity of fiscal responsibility is that I need to say no to my friends, or just do cheaper things with them. And I start to worry that I am losing my status as a "fun" person. I really like that my friends think I am fun. Now that I am finished my term responsibilities, I should be breaking out, but I'm not. The thing is that when you are broke and/or exhausted, you tend to do fewer things and for less time. That's what's happening with me. I just keep going home early and not really wanting to go out dancing or whatever. And I'm really starting to feel lame, and why shouldn't my friends agree? Yet, they continue to call me and we hang out, and it's not so bad.

The fact is that money gives us confidence, a feeling of self-control. And you don't need money to be fun, but it sure makes things easier. And you have to realize and accept that you are broke and it is part of your identity and nothing to feel bad about. It's just life. Much easier said than done, for sure. That dread...

My friend Q is going throught that feeling right now. And I wish I could help him. It's one of those moments that you wish so desperately you could have back (like kissing someone who is friends with the person you are currently with). You can't get that moment back. And the best you can hope for is that the people who know you will realize that you are the same person now as before that moment. He MSNed me to tell me what happened and opened with "I am so dumb you don't need to talk to me anymore if you don't want to". It's hard to believe that he is in this situation. Not that I for a second believe he was IMPAIRED, but that he should have the bad luck of blowing over when he wasn't, after the bad luck of getting pulled over in the first place. He is berating himself for driving home, when he didn't want to in the first place, but got into a big fight over it with someone who felt Q owed him a ride home, and eventually gave in to end the argument. I hate that feeling. Going against your better judgment and then things turning out badly because of it. It sucks. Now this isn't meant to be a defense of Q, but it leads to a more general issue...standing tall and moving on...

It's hard and necessary. And we all can and do do it. Some with more grace and self-respect than others. It's not the first time a good person has done something stupid and it's not the last. It's not the first time I will spend money when I needen't and it's not the last. The point is that we can't hate ourselves for our transgressions but neither can we sluff them off. We need to realize that we make mistakes and that we can learn from them, of course. But we also need to realize that the relationships that matter are the ones that get us through these times. Even professional relationships. People just have to accept imperfection and circumstance. End of story. A pattern of behavior is unhealthy and if people don't say or do anything when self-destructive behavior becomes characterisitic, well that is also very bad. But all relationships allow some degrees of freedom.

Anyway, enough rambling. The point is, love the people you love. They need it and you need it.

I need a sugar daddy

I can't believe it but it is the 3rd of December and I am already using my overdraft!

I don’t know how this happens. I mean, I’m not that extravagant with my life. I eat out a lot but that’s what happens when you don’t have time to shop or cook. And this summer I was on track to be out of debt...but here I am, in more debt than ever. I just hate it. I mean I always underestimate how much things will cost but I didn’t expect moving to be this bad.

I guess part of the problem is my ridiculous pride and poor self-control. I should just tell my friends that I can’t go out for breakfast/lunch/dinner with them cuz I can’t afford it, but I have a tough time with it, especially when it is so much more fun and convenient to go with them. My mom says that I should just invite people over and talk (or go to their place). Sounds lame. I wouldn’t want to just hang out and talk so I certainly can’t expect them too.

I know I am just awfulizing cuz I am cranky about being broke, but seriously. Will it never end?
It’s funny how being broke changes your attitudes towards everything. I feel so much more anxious and I have a hard time enjoying myself. And I am snappish, which no one likes. And I have to consciously remind myself that my friends don’t need nor want to hear about it all the time. I don’t’ much like being around me when I am broke. Which makes things worse, cuz being alone makes you dwell on things more. I know I will make it out, it’s just an aggravating climb.

Today in the player: Climb by Lifehouse.
Maybe I'm not as smart as I thought/As I come back down/Entertain the sun, Beg it to go on/Don't leave me all alone down here/'Cause I don't have a doubt/That I am without, A way out of this

Beautiful Momement with a Stranger #1

In A&P, buying muffins and a beautiful, bright green apple, I turned to see a beautiful stranger buying a beautiful, bright green apple, and nothing else. We shared the beauty of the apple and the excitement of our futures eating said apples. I smiled at him. He smiled at me. And that was all.

Rule for a Camel #2

Camels should start studying for exams seriously prior to the day before the exam. Failure to do this may result in over-blogging, emailing and excessive snacking.

Another day, another song, another test

So in keeping with the wonders of the normal distribution, today was a very mediocre day. I ate three meals out today and bought the most wonderful body scrubs and creams...so being broke is rearing its ugly head and leering...

I love my roommate again. She helps me keep things in perspective.

It rained all day and was cold. But I rebooked my planed ticket and learned an important lesson. And it wasn't a big loss anyway. Only $50...I can live with that.

I can't wait to write my stats exam and catch up on my life....all this stressing over an exam that everyone assures me will bear little relation to my future success, but that my ego refuses to let go is driving me crazy. I mean really, I always start the term off good: I learn things thoroughly and carefully but I burn out for the important stuff. I need to slide.

Anyway, this week's song is "In the End" by Linkin Park. The lyric: "I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter"

Oh and I got more email from someone important. Funny how an email can brighten your day and make you feel important.

Some days the world gets you...

So yesterday was a good day. It follows that today should be a bad day. It was sorta. I feel angst, anyway...first, I had a headache all day. My eyes were strained yet again. Boo hiss. And I did crappy on yet another assignment in my Self class...then I got my haircut. this was the highlight of the day, though it was extremely stressful. Funny how that is...but I think my hairdresser and I have figured each other out, so the headache was well worth it and I love my cut. But oh the headache. So I went to Chapters with Smiley and tried to relax. That didn't work. So we went to dinner, and then a movie. That worked. Then we met friends for pool and foozball....and suddenly, I haven't studied for my final yet. Final: Thursday morning. Yeesh. And then, my roommate was rude to me, in an uncalled for sort of, looking down her nose at me way. Humph...and then I went to book a nice cheap flight home and discovered they were no longer available....feeling full of angt...and did I mention I am still broke? I hate being broke the same day I got paid. It's kinda depressing....Anyway, enough ranting. Suffice to say that tommorrow will be better and that I have learned my lesson about booking flights...And cleaning up my room helped calm me down. So at least I haven't yelled at anyone and Smileys only sorta thinks I am self-centred.