He really didn't deserve last night. It had nothing to do with him, but he didn't deserve it. It seems clear to me that my behavior is a reaction to frustration with him, though. On one level I understand but it is killing our relationship.
So he was supposed to come watch hockey with Junior and me last night. Buzzer came too. And I like Buzzer, I find him attractive, Timbuctoo knows this and it kinda bugshim.
At any rate, things went along just as they always do with the three of us drinking plenty....and then we headed to a party. Timbuctoo came to the party. Dead sober, only because he wanted to see me. Which was really sweet, but despite spending the entire hockey game wishing he was there, by the time I was at the party, I was too drunk to appreciate his presence. And I think I was a little angry with him for not coming to the game.
Regardless, I continued to flirt with Buzzer in the way that Buzzer and I are both completely comfortable with....and with no thought that it was going anywhere on either of our part. But of course, it wouldn't seem that way to the very sober, and rather jealous Timbuctoo.
Anyway, he drove us all home and he and I had it out back at my place. Unfortunately, I was very drunk for a good portion of it, though I sobered up by the end. What it comes down to is that my behavior was completely inappropriate for someone with a bf...but that's the problem. Here I am trying to behave like I have a bf, but appear to all the world that I don't. It's not easy. My friends keep trying to set me up with guys that, were I not attached, I'd be interested in. And the direct result of that is resentment towards Timbuctoo. For not breakign up with his gf. For not having made his decision.
And I understand his position. I do. He wanted to wait until his gf was done with school so he wouldn't be leaving her high and dry. But when does that translate into action on his part? And furthermore, he told me when we talked last week that he hasn't actually decided whether he wants to be with me or her. Now, I appreciate that he still has doubts, so do I, but that I am waiting around for him to still make a decision, just frustrates me to no end.
I'm basically burning bridges with perfectly good guys waiting for him to MAYBE be with me. That's just not fair. And I realize I can't just tell him to make a decision and he will, but it's the reason why I keep acting so badly. I'm angry at him and trying to keep my options open. And it's wrong to do to him, but there's nothing right about this situation at all anyway.
What we have is so good, so why is it in so much doubt? I'm so frustrated. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm not ready to settle down right away....but I don't know and it is so unfair that I have to choose outright. How is it right that I have to decide either not to be with him or to marry him....why don't I get the time to feel it out like the rest of the world. It's just not fair. And this at least, is my own fault.
I hate that I have to pour my heart out on my computer because he's not here for me to talk to. And that is a big strain on our relationship too.
I know that I am behaving badly. I know why I'm behaving badly. He's just not giving me any good reason to do things differently. And I need a reason. I believe we would be happy together, but I'm going to ruin his belief in that because I'm frustrated that he's not with me. How stupid is that? BAH!
