why do you put up with me?

I was gonna write an open letter to K1 & K2 today, but instead since it is super duper late and I'm ill at ease, it will have to wait until tommorrow.

Since I'm pretty much always a roiling ball of conflict, it's not surprising, but the brief days of calm always lead me to be surprised by the boulders of anxiety I find in my stomache only a day later. Today I met with my ball team, who I haven't seen in a year.

Pretty much everyone who knows me would call me a confident person, but I have to say that I certainly feel no confidence around these people. They've seen me fail so many times. And it's such a dog eat dog time in that group. Sure they're nice, but just like in high school, I've never felt like I fit in and have never been at ease, like I lost the popularity contest or something...

I guess it's not surprising, for the most part these are not graduate-work kinda people, they are very conservative, very res-life kinda people. And they grew up together in a way, living near each other in the first few years of university. They're smart, athletic and confident. I like them, but I'm never really myself.

And I guess my angst right now is my feeling of dissatisfaction with myself when I spend time with them. I feel weird. And I should be happy with who I am. I've accomplished much....I guess I feel boring when I'm with them...but I dare say none of my friends would call me that!

I don't know. It's funny how we see people who we perceive to have seen us fail. I want to never see them again just as much as I want to earn their respect. Being with them reminds me of how fragile self-esteem is, and of how insecure I truly am.

I had fun, but tonight I feel anxious again. And it magnifies the rest of my anxieties:
-why doesn't Timbuctoo email/chat with me
-why aren't I managing my expenses better
-why am I making people drive me all over the city
-why am I not spending more time with my family
-why am I not spending more time on my work
-why am I not more careful about my health

I know that striving to be happy all the time is absurd, but I just wish that I could accept myself and not beat myself up over everything. And stop feeling guilty about every little thing. Why do I feel that? Sigh. Tommorrow will be a better day.