breathing in, breathe out

Well, I certainly feel better today. A bit of sleep, new light...new beginning. At any rate, I've identified my enemy, the feeling of helplessness and frustration towards this disarray of my mother...her home, her appearance, her mind. She's a good person, but she fails so extraordinarily. And I being a woman of action always want to fix things....clean and organize....I mean the trash can in my room hasn't been emptied since I was her last....last Christmas...can you blame me?

But it's not about my standards of living, it's about hers. What does SHE want to change about her existence. For years I've known that change only happens when an individual truly wants it to happen, but I always assumed I had a handle on the changes that would lead my mother to happiness...but I guess I don't.

I mean she says she's happy....I know she isn't but maybe she's happy with somethings and I've misidentified the others. Personally, I just want to come in with a bunch of rubbermaid containers and garbage bags and get working, but maybe I need to ask her if there is anything she would like to work on in the house that I could help her with.....

Although in all honesty I doubt that will work. When I was in fifth grade I was offering to clean the house and every time she would say, "No, I'll do it" and by the time I hit grade 12 I still don't think she had ever dusted her pile books...let alone read them.

I just need to accept that her quality of living is acceptable to her, I guess....sigh. I don't know.