Who knew I could be so horrible. I feel bad but glad all at once and I am forced to ask myself what I believe in.
It's been so long since I confessed my sins here....About a month ago I was out with friends and Timbuctoo and ran into Jaxx...my last post I guess. Timbcutoo was wonderful; let me have my time with him. Not a lot but some.
Well, Timbuctoo wasn't around last night. And I saw Jaxx and the foolish heart in me wasn't ready to let things go. So we talked and danced and of course things became serious. I don't know why I feel like I have to confess to Jaxx. I guess I just want him to know why I can't be with him.
But he is so amazing. And I let things happen. There were no illusions. We both wanted it and we both knew it couldn't last. We just knew that we wanted more time together and that the passion between us couldn't be denied. It sounds so cheesy. But when he kissed me, just right, I was glad that I had done this thing, even though Timbuctoo would be hurt to a degree I can't even fathom if he ever found out.
It's true that he and I are not married, he hasn't even truly committed to me. And that is the only thing that makes this even slightly ok. It won't happen again, but I'm glad it happened. Jaxx is wonderful. He's everything I thought he could be. And things didn't go very far.
It's a little confusing, but I still believe in me and Timbuctoo. I just realize that maybe I could be happy with someone else. But I guess I don't whether I should tell him this. If I did would he end things with me? Would he take it as a reason to stay with her? Or would he be lost because he now feel there is no one for him? Or would he accept this and love me no differently? Could he forgive me? Could he understand? I'm not sure I understand.
The world is so complicated.
