study fun

My supervisor just sent emailed me about the details of a study he suggested last week. I'm excited about this one, I think I can make it work quickly. So my goal for this week is to be ready to run by the end of the week. Ethics.....must find out if I need ethics...hmmm...

Rule for a Camel #5

Try to relax.

Slings and arrows

Suddenly I find myself feeling frustrated. Roomie just got home..I'd like to point out that she did not invite me to the cabin with her. Not that that that upsets me, really, i can appreciate that she needs camel-free time. But she came home and just seemed to be stomping around the apartment. I mean, she was just putting her stuff away and she tidied up a few things...but I felt like she was kinda throwing it in my face...like I should be doing something other than talking on the phone. I'm sure it's just me being neurotic, but it certainly made me take pause. I mean, I know that when I get home from a trip, I like to get things put away asap...and probably act exactly the same...but I definitely heard her sigh of frustration as she put away the dishes I washed today. And sure enough, there's like four or five glasses she didn't feel I had cleaned properly...but I looked at them and really only found anything on one of them...and she didn't say anything to me, so I don't know. On top of that, today when I was doing dishes I noticed that her Bodem was cracked. I told her as soon as she got home. I don't know if I broke it or not, though there's a good chance it was me....anyway...I feel ill at ease...

Also, yesterday I found myself chatting yet again with the firefighter..until 5am. Seriously...come on Camel. Anyway, my last post from yesterday apparently was the last thing I had copied..and I went to send him a link, but managed to 1. not copy the link 2. hit send before noticing that I had copied my last post. HOW EMBARRASSING!!!#@*#*(&*#($&*()$"EMBARRASSING!!!#@*#*(&*#($&*()$! He wasn't too concerned...I think he was more flattered that I'd noticed than anything...but I still felt like I had taken off my shirt in front of a room full of professors....irretrievably exposed.

And...the worst thing of my day was the discovery that my Outlook Express account somehow got deleted and I lost ALL the email that I had saved from my old university account...I was waiting till I had time to go through it...but now it is irretrievable gone. I am SOOOOOOO pissed. I mean it's probably my fault since I fooled around with my computer alot over the last few months...but I'm still pissed....all of the emails form Jesse and anyone else important. &*(&)*&&)*)!@#!

Well...moving on. My best friend seems well on her way to obtaining a boyfriend. YOU GO GIRL!!!!! I really, really, really hope it works out for her. She deserves a nice guy sooooooo much.

Music of the Week

This week's soundtrack comes thanks to Almond. And is inspired by the fact that the firefighter came home early on a Saturday night because msning with me was more fun than the party he was at. Not that the song lyrics fit the situation at all...but it is a sorta sad love song...which seems to fit my mood....

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it,
well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

-White Flag by Dido

FYI - my faults

So, I got this idea today as I confessed to the firefighter that I have a blog....actually he asked the most interesting questions about blogging out of all the people I told...anyway. After I stopped chatting with him, I immediately began to question the sensibility of telling him about my blog. I am becoming far to free about it's existence. If I lost my annonymity and had to move it, I would feel very sad. So, questioning my sensibility, I began to think about whether I was still adhering to the creed of my blog...to speak what was truly on my mind. And what better way than to reveal my faults to all the blogging world. So enjoy or ignore, as you wish.

1. I spend money frivolously
2. I bite my nails
3. I sometimes do not return my best friend's calls, even though I know she really wants to talk
4. I like to lust after guys that I can't have
5. I don't volunteer anymore
6. I hardly ever excercise anymore
7. I secretly hope that I am the best
8. I secretly feel slightly happy when others that I percieve as competition fail
9. I sometimes lose interest in someone after the thrill of the chase fades
10. I live better than my parents
11. I like the idea that guys I have dated in the past have wanted me back
12. I avoid confrontation, even when it will ultimately improve things
13. I complain about my roommate to myself. constantly
14. I constantly "borrow" pens from my lab...but I never end up returning them
15. I treated my grandmother badly the last time I saw her before she died - actually that's more of a regret...maybe I'll make a list of those later
16. I sometimes think about lying to make myself sound less culpable for minor things
17. I am not comfortable showing my body to people I am not sexually interested in (not counting doctors)
18. I compete with my friends in my head

Deep Thoughts by Jack Camel (7)

Today's question is about politics. Where did they go wrong? Politicians, to the best of my meagre knowledge, started out as representatives of the poeple. Government was to be the "watchdog" for society. This is sort of alarming given the way big business has the government wrapped around it's little finger. I have no intentions of spouting direct evidence for anything I say in this post, but in my Political Sociology class many many years ago, I remember feeling completely helpless.

Politicians nowadays seem rarely driven by a cause for the people. In fact, those most passionate about the people tend to me one's who are not taken seriously. Like the NDP in Canada. Admittedly, the NDP don't show much fiscal responsibility, but I still feel ill when I think of the Canada's political machine.

I mean, I know you can't please all of the people all of the time, but that's not my point. My point is not even that one party or the other doesn't do ....whatever. My point is that in general, I don't think Canadians feel any shift when complete political upheaval occurs. I don't think that different parties particularly DO anything different. And I certainly feel as though they are unconcerned about the people they represent. I know, I know that it is easy to make sweepy negative generalizations. But in the past few years I have been completely apathetic to politics. Mostly because I don't feel I understand the issues, let alone have an opinion on them, let alone have time to consider platforms. But still, the passing of Jean Chretien caused barely a ripple in my day. Doesn't that mean something?

Pop goes the world

I don't know what has gotten into me. I just have no interest in socializing anymore. What is that? I am feeling really bad right now because Pop keeps calling me to do stuff and I just don't feel like it. I don't think it's cuz I don't feel like hanging out with him...but I think he might be getting that impression. It's just that when I hang out with Pop, I always spend wayyyy too much time....stay up way too late or whatever. I mean, if I hang out with Jim, I can work. Which is the problem. I am still quite broke AND panicked about work. So I don't want to do anything. I suspect part of the issue is the end of my infatuation with Pop. He's a great guy but let's face it, he's not for me. Whereas the firefighter, well, he fits the bill a little too well.

I don't know what to do. I want Pop to understand that he's not the reason I don't want to hang out, but I really don't think he believes me. Hmm... I know, I'll see if he wants to go to Chapters with me and start learning Arabic...

Topher Grace Glory

So me and my friend went to see "In Good Company" tonight. It was great. Not awesome because, well, I won't ruin it for you. Anyway. I love nerdy looking guys...and Topher Grace fits that bill marvelously. Sigh. So I am now wishing the firefighter was online to distract me. But unfortunately he is busy saving people tonight. sigh.

The movie is about this guy who is young and successful but doesn't really have a clue about what's really important to him. And his life is incredibly lonely as a result. When I got home I couldn't help but realize that my life is more and more starting to resemble his. Or maybe the Wedding Planner's (you know, J-Lo and Matthew McConaughy). My life is becoming more and more meticulous. I am becoming more and more impassioned about my work...but I wonder whether I am just avoiding going after what I really want.

I mean, I haven't wanted to go out for the last few weeks. Even weekends. I look forward to being at home, relaxed, working. And tonight when I got home I realized that my room was spotless, that I was carefully putting away my stuff and that it was 12:30 and I was happy to be home. I mean what is that? I mean I feel SOOOO lame! I guess it might be because it's so cold outside, or because I am so busy. But seriously. My friend Steveo is gonna be so hurt that I didn't join his pub crawl. But the truth is that I just don't feel like it.

On the other hand, other days I am thrilled with my life...I don't know...but I do wish I could just find someone to share it with and not have to worry about it anymore. I am feeling a little frustrated because despite what Chemistry said, the firefighter doesn't seem like someone who just wants to date. In fact, he sounds just like me. Wants something real and realistic. Or maybe he just seems that way because he knows that I'm not trying to make him my boyfriend. Doesn't really matter, I guess.

Anyway, I guess I'm just saying that I used to be scared of being alone and now I am so used to it that I don't even try not to be alone...

neufie

So my roomie's friend...nice guy. Much less bland than he seems at first. Big pot smoker, drinker...but not in the living-the-high-life way. In the laid-back way. I actually quite enjoyed yakking with him and roommie last night. And apparently he likes to play softball, so that gave his credibility a boost.

It was kinda weird though, cuz roomie was in no shape to drive him home at the end of the night and it was way too far for him to walk home, so he stayed here. Which is cool. But I also know that roomie isn't interested in dating or sleeping with him, so when they both disappeared into her room, I wasn't sure what to think. She apparently slept on the couch, but since I went to bed way later than they did, I know that wasn't for a few hours...I don't care really, but I am sometimes surprised by how casual roomie can be with boy-girl interactions.

I mean, it's cool that she can be so casual about having sex, but she is also very different about boys that she wants to date. I mean, she is more like a 30 year old about sex, but about a 20 year old about dating...I guess I just notice the the three year difference in our ages most when it comes to boys.

La Vida Loca

Well. It's been quite a day. I got a new nose stud. FINALLY got rid of the starter stud. It looks fantastic and it seems that the odd bumps I was getting next to my piercing were happening because of the starter. So that's that. Phew. I also asked how much it would cost to get barbells put in my nipples. Alot. $155 for rings, which my piercer suggested would be better for healing. And then $110 for the barbells later. Ouch. EXPENSIVE. Well, maybe I'll get funding....

My supervisor in Australia emailed me about doing an eyetracking study this term. Which sounds like a great idea to me 1. because it will give me experience with the eyetracker 2. it is a good possibility for publications 3. i get to feel like a keener.

Also today. I spent a lot of money, between my stud and multivitamins and beer....yum. I am a few hundred over budget this month which I am very concerned about. But I will try and make it up next month. All is not lost. That said, I am feeling like I am falling behind. In the past two days I haven't really "finished" anything and I haven't really worked on anything enough either. And I know things are about to get very busy....I feel like a slacker, but I know I'm not. The problem is the late night chat sessions with the firefighter. And I am NOT giving those up. They are definitely very nice.

And Kristen's friend Joe hung out with us today. Interesting. Will have to do a separate post about my reflections on this one. Oh, and I did laundry today. Go Camel!

Take the plunge...

So, I've finally done it. I have started to get a new hairstyle. I think my hairdresser hated my old cut, cuz she whipped out a magazine at the speed of light when I said I didn't have anything in mind. I like it though. I trust her. She's great. I'm excited. I need to let my hair grow out a bit, but I think it's gonna be fun.

This is what my cut is gonna look like! http://www.beautifulhairstyles.com/magazines/sh05spring.html

Deep Thoughts by Jack Camel (6)

Do people ever run out of kitschy titles? Do we reuse them? Or do we keep twisting words so that we always have some trendy way to say things that people over 40 won't understand? Is pop culture a way to distinguish young from old?

Welll...not Owl

I actually think this is pretty close to being me...



Sometimes your creative solutions land you in
sticky situations but you remain adventurous
and undaunted by failure. You posess an
infectious confidence and deep thinking comes
naturally to you.
Always on the go with many paws in many pies,
Rabbits can appear slightly manic to others.
But not to worry, you have everything under
control... most of the time.

Which Pooh character are you? brought to you by Quizilla

Bad Camel

So I was a bad camel today. I told the firefighter I would be online tonight and then I wasn't. I went out with my friends. I feel really bad...well, mostly I am worried that he either wasted his evening or thinks I don't care about talking to him...I mean chances are good that he won't be upset but didn't he ask me last night if I would be online tonight..and then again at dinner time? I feel like i let him down.

Which is weird because generally people are more interested in people that make themselves unavailable. I feel guilty a lot. I haven't forgotten that my new year's resolution is to feel less guilty but its hard.

Yesterday I was feeling guilty for talking about the fireman around Pop. Sigh...I'm so ridiculous about these things. I was also feeling bad because I didn't go meet smiley's new Furbie, Megan. Relax eh?

Anyway, Wal-mart sucks. Good night.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Camel (5)

Ok, today's thought is gonna be short, cuz I am sleepy. It is this: can a person truly be happy when they are ignorant?

Smiley makes me smile. And other stories.

Today's news is no news. It was dreadfully cold. And blizzarding. I haven't seen one of those in a while. I have discovered that in Ontario, homes are not built for the same kind of weather they are built for in Alberta. In Alberta, I never "felt a draft". Here, it's raging war on me. My desk is very unhappy with this state of affairs and my windows all have snow on the inside. Wow. Crazy.

Pop finally did what he's been threatening to do for weeks and brought over his electric blanket for me to use. Can't say I am complaining. In fact, a lot of people were uber-nice to me today. MusicalA said he would give me his flash card from his palm since his palm got ruined and he no longer has a use for it. How nice is that? Especially since I am dying to have one. The trick is to remind him that he wants to give it to me without being rude. Regardless of whether I get it or not, what a nice thought.

And smiley has done it again. He has clearly shown himself to be a true friend. This may sound shallow, but it really shows how much he cares about me. So yesterday, as we were leaving his house, he pulls out two cases of Diet Cherry Coke. Which I love, and is only available "in America". So he brought it home for me over the holidays. Merry Christmas! Which is totally sweet. THEN...THEN....today when we were hanging out at my house waiting for the storm to blow over so we could brave the local transit, I walked out of my room to find Season 3 of 24 sitting on my bookshelf!!!!! Seriously, wow! I mean besides the fact that I haven't seen a single episode and am dying to see it, I have been fighting with myself not to buy it since I am so broke. Merry Christmas! And he's been putting off giving it to me so that he could give it to me in some fun and surprising fashion. So sweet.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Camel (4)

I guess I have never given much thought to anonymity on the internet. Really, you can figure out alot about a person just from perusing their Web sites. People are really careless about labelling and passwords and stuff. I mean, how many people have their home phone numbers up on their Web sites?

As a graduate student, I think it's important that students be able to get a hold of me, but at the same time, I don't think they should be able to get ahold of me ANY time. And all it takes is one hostile individual with stalking tendencies...

Maybe I sound paranoid. But I just posted about a gazillion pictures to Yahoo and am wondering whether I should replace the descriptive (first names only) file names with numbers. I always hated when people left pictures as numbers...makes it so hard to know which is which. But now I am thinking maybe it's not such a bad idea. What do you guys think?

Where has the day gone?!!

Well, between debugging my Web site, trying to get my family onto Skype, and napping, I have managed to be at home on a Friday night, with no real work to show for it. Sigh. I mean I guess I have been doing stuff, but somehow I feel guilty cuz I am doign stuff that is NOT the things I should be doing. Which are things I don't want to do. Like stare at and decipher bad code. Oh well, tommorrow is another day!

Web site wow

I did it! Finally! It's done! My Web site. It's available for viewing. I don't hate it. Terrific. I accomplished practically nothing else over the last two days, but I am pretty sure I don't care. Yay!

Camel the TA

Today, despite being frigidly cold, was a very good day. I finally managed to meet with the professor that KM suggested I TA for. I was so nervous about it, but he turns out to be very nice and seemed very happy that I wanted to TA his course and felt I would be a good fit for it. And he mentioned that he would be interested in having me continue to TA the course in September. Which is great. Another nice reference maybe. And not to mention that things are looking very positive on the "Get a TA position for the summer"-front. Which is very important to the "pay-off-visa-before-death"-front. And, to top it off, it looks like my trip to Lebanon will not get in the way too much, since I will only have to recieve one assignment while i am there. Looking good.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Camel (3)

Ever wonder what you look like to other people? At salsa today the instructor asked me and smiley to participate in the performance (four couples) for this culture festival. It was good to know that I don't look retarded dancing, but through the eyes of a stranger, what do I look like? I know what I see when I look at a stranger. And often I think they look very odd, or unpolished, or awkward.

Every now and then I catch myself tucking in my shirt carelessly or something that makes me wonder whether I look ridiculous to others. And should I care if I do? I guess most people would say no. But that sure doesn't stop us from caring.

Sweet

It's amazing how one line of text can sometimes make your heart can beat so hard that it feel like it's going to burst right out of your chest. That is how I felt today when I opened my gmail to find an email with the subject heading "2005-2006 SSHRC Competition". Seriously, my heart was going so fast I was shaking.

Grad students have to apply for funding every year, to various federal agencies, such as SSHRC, the Humanities and Social Sciences Research Council. This is a long and depressing process because you are competing against your friends, all of whom you are sure are smarter, more capable, more articulate, and more likely to be funded than you. For more insight into grad students, this is one of the funniest websites I've ever seen.

Anyway, first I didn't want to open it because I was 95% sure it was bad news and this would ruin my ability to get any work done. So I closed my email. This lasted for approximately 90 seconds before I realized I wasn't getting any work done and opened it anyway.

The GREAT news is that my proposal is on it's to SSHRC.!!!!! Now I know that sounds anticlimactic and terribly uncelebratory, but it is very celebratory information. These proposals first have to go through a department committee, then a university committee, and then to SSHRC for the final go round. So my proposal has travelled a good chunk of the road to funding. It's not home free by any stretch, so I've still got my fingers and toes crossed....Insha'allah....

Deep Thoughts by Jack Camel (2)

Today it was very, very cold. This morning it was -35 degrees celsius. I bet a lot of people froze to death today. What a terrible, terrible way to die.

I feel terrible when I pass homeless people on the street and don't give them money. Certainly I have more than they do. But I also owe more than they do. And so I am always struck by pangs of guilt and remorse, for my own selfishness and my own "inability" (read: unwillingness) to help them.

Ridiculous Fact #7

Soup made with stewed tomatoes makes me happy.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Camel (1)

It's funny how I can be so wrapped up in my own life when over 100.000 people no longer have lives. Ripped from them by a massive tsunami.

Studies show that how happy we are has nothing to do with wealth and power. It has to do with us, the individual in the body. The study I am thinking of is classic to psychological lore. Particularly, the researchers followed three groups of people, major lottery winners, paralyzed accident victims, and a control group. Turns out that after a period of time people tended to return to thier pre-windfall/pre-disaster mentality.

So the moral of this rant is that being happy is a personal choice. I complain alot. But am I happy? Other studies tell us that like 70% of people categorize themselves as "happy." But to talk to people, you'd never know it. We have a tendency to focus on negative things. So that means to me that if you want to be happy, it's up to you.

I tried to reference these facts, but I couldn't find freely available abstracts...and I'm too lazy to keep looking...

I wanna talk about me....

Well, not really since that's all this blog is about. I've been thinking lately that there is a clear absence of reflection on this blog. And I really like blogs where people critique and questions and ponder. I'm a pensive person, what's going on here?

I guess what's going on is that I feel guilty when I sit down and think about something that is not homework or thesis related in some way. It's a real pity. Over the holidays I started a blog-spot about happiness, but I lost my steam and went back to work.

Sigh. I know this doesn't make me superficial. But I am definitely less interested in myself when I am not thinking. So in direct reaction to this apparent dearth in my life (is anyone impressed by my use of abstract language?), I am going to post a thought a day. Something with the following conditions:

1. Unrelated to my schoolwork
2. Unrelated to my relationships

So there.

Where's my mugwump?

So over the last week the Fireman and I have maintained a daily chat date at 11:30am. I really kinda like it. Because of his weird hours, sometimes he's just getting home from work. Anyway, I also have a standing breakfast date with SuperNerd and Smiley on Saturday mornings so I told the Fireman that I might miss it today, which I did. But now I am sad that I haven't yet talked to him today...even though I chatted with him three times yesterday. I'm such a geek.

This post goes out to...

My super-awesome co-supervisor KM:

I accepted a position at my school because of my other supervisor, but again and again I am thankful for KM. Not only is he forthright, but he cares about whether I am overloaded with work or not.

To date, his notably kind gestures have included:
1. being my co-supervisor and taking over while my original supervisor is on sabbatical
2. providing me with additional funding so I don't have to do an additional TA-ship
3. buying beer during department functions
4. letting me use his copy card
5. finding me innumerable useful papers
6. buying me a book on active vision to help me figure out vison
7. suggesting we invite an author whose work is uber-relevant to mine to come the department to speak
8. offering me whatever funding he can provide over the summer
9. reminding me not to work too hard
10. speaking with the graduate coordinator about me getting a TA-ship for the summer, despite me missing the first month
11. introducing me to various academics

AND....today he emailed one of the profs who I am hoping will hire me to TA over the summer (despite my missing the first month) and told him I'd be a good bet.

I mean how nice is that? Not to mention his patience and guidance. I just can't express my gratitude. Thanks KM.

Salsa-rrific

I learned to salsa yesterday! What fun. I haven't taken a dancing lesson since I was with JP. And man did I not enjoy it. Smiley invited me to go, because he goes all the time. And he insisted it would be fine.

The funny thing is that we were gonna go to the beginner and then the intermediate lesson. And I was like "I'm not gonna be able to handle the intermediate lesson" but then Smiley got the time wrong so we caught like the last quarter of the beginner lesson...which meant smiley taught me the basic steps. And then we did the intermediate lesson. "Gee, it's a good thing we went to the beginner lesson". Totally easy!

I had so much fun. I am so glad I went. Smiley is such a great friend. So much faith in me.

Ridiculous Fact #6

My favorite cheese is gruyere.

my melt

I am very much enjoying crushing on the fireman, though I have to admit it starting come up with realistic night-in-shining-armor type fantasies. It's funny how when I was younger I always thought I was in love and that equalled finding my soul-mate. Now, in my cynical old age, I feel like I fall in love all the time, but it doesn't mean we are soul-mates and living happily ever after is barely a possibility in my mind.

It really is a complex thing, our sense of love. I used to feel like my heart would break in two if I didn't meet that perfect person soon. Or rather if I didn't meet them and it work out soon. Now, I have come to see that it is almost impossible to find that perfect person and I take joy in the little things I love in people.

Ethan Hawke would be proud. "...sit back and ride my own melt."

Now playing...

People like us
Know how to survive
There’s no point in living
If you can’t feel alive

The World is Not Enough, Garbage

Ridiculous Fact #5

I want to have both my nipples pierced. Bars would look so good.

To Do Before I Die - Version 1.1

1. Fall in love again
2. Live in Europe
3. Learn Arabic
4. See my mother truly happy
5. Do some extraordinary hike like the Northwest Trail or the Inca Trail
6. Learn to drive a standard
7. Learn to drive a standard well
8. Be debt-free
9. Read Dante's Divine Comedy
10. STOP BITING MY FINGERNAILS (does this even belong on this list?)
11. Take my best friends on a vacation to say thank you
12. Get my pilot's license

Tonight and yesterday and the day before in my life

So, if anyone is interested...I did hole up with my laptop on Friday and the fireman did show up at the twister party. And it was a GREAT party. Absolutely spectacular.

I've been sorta organizing since I got back but tonight I went over to Smiley's and FINALLY watched the last five episodes of the first season of "24". I'd forgotten how much I love that show. Damn I wish I had the third season.

I also msn'ed briefly with the fireman....looked at his profile....am rethinking my interest in this guy. I mean obviously it's not going anywhere anyway, but I can still crush on him. But after seeing the shirt off picture in his fireman gear that is on his freely available hotmail/msn profile, I'm not so sure. The phrase "single and looking" is also very, very concerning.

I mean I love that his libido matches mine, but it seems the consequences of that are a bit frightening....I truly hope the picture is a joke...but I truly doubt it. Oy. I mean his msn picture (you know when you are talking to someone) is a picture of red blood cells. Geeky and very endearing. Two very different personas.

And the msn chat was not that good either....I mean we sorta chatted breifly and then he disappeared....so I don't think he's that into me. Oh whatever.

Song of the Week

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there
and take a breath and hold on tight
spin around one more time
and gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't want to speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
cause I want nothing more thanto sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing
is where I wanna be yeah

-Breathing by Lifehouse

and still kicking

When I got home at an appalling 1am last night, most of our friends were at our house hanging out with my roommate. Which was kinda cool cuz I probably would have been negative and cranky if they hadn't been there to remind me how great they are.

For some reason I kept expecting to come home and hate my roommate. I don't know why. Like I was gonna come home and everything she did was gonna drive me nuts. But actually, she's has been great. And I am reminded that I do in fact like her. Good.

That nauseous sick feeling is back. I got a letter from my Visa company saying they are upping my interest rate. Not doubling it at least, but upping it. And my insurance check still hasn't made it in. And because I couldn't get my mail, I am late paying a different Visa bill. Yeesh. Oh well, come what may. I will make it.

Been on a text messaging flurry with the fireman. Sigh. He came out to my going away party despite having to work early, early. Sigh. And added me to his msn asap. Sigh.

Home-ish

I'm back.

Almost home

So in under 24 hours I will be back in Ontario. Sigh. I had a nice visit. I really owe it to my friends for their hospitality. I had a great time and am going to miss them horribly. I guess when I left in August I hadn't spent any time with anyone in so long that I had forgotten how great they were. Sigh. Well, we can't have it all.

Ain't it funny how...

It doesn't really seem to matter when I write, my life always comes out sounding like a boring soap opera.

"Today on Camel in the City":
Will the Camel finally get her blood sugars under control or will she continue to gorge herself on leftover Christmas cheer? Will she be sociable in her final night in Alberta or will she retreat into a cozy den with her laptop? Does she really care about visiting other people? Will more than one boy show up to play Twister? Find out tonight on Camel in the City!

Really lame.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I am feeling enormously fat and disgusting. And I know I am slowly killing my body with icecream and Asian food. But really, how often can I go to Marble Slab. How often can I have Pad Thai. Seriously. I think it was worth it.

I feel really guilty about not visiting everyone I would have liked to visit. But I just don't want to visit anymore. I want to sit around and learn linear algebra. I know that sounds retarded, but I like to work. I need time alone and working calms me down. Plus it's dirt cheap.

Not bad for a skinny guy

The date with the fireman went very well. I had a great time. It's funny how when we have a previously conceived notion of someone, how much it drives our interactions with them. The fireman is in fact a much more suitable mate (based on my one date) than I previously thought. Too bad he lives where he does. Oh well.

It's almost time for me to go home. I am gonna be sooo homesick this time round.

Camel on the fritz

I'm really not sure what to do right now. I am struggling to keep my temper with my mother. I know it does help if I freak out and yell at her. But even just talking with her is difficult. I just keeping sittng there thinking "we should be doing something".

When I moved, I gave her most of my stuff, like linens and kitchen stuff. Things she needs, really. But they're all still in the boxes. I don't think she has even opened one box. Says she hasn't had time. Maybe she shouldn't spend two hours staring at the walls every day.

I sent her things in two rounds. I can understand with the first round, their was sooo much stuff. Fine. But the second time I only sent a a few boxes? Why can't she just put things away when she gets them? I think what really tee-ed me off was finding the movie I had bought her when she stayed with me to help me pack. Not even opened, buried at the bottom of a box. I mean what is the point of giving someone things when they aren't going to ever use them?

And if you think I am overreacting, think again. She still hasn't taken the Christmas gift I gave her three years ago out of the gift bag.

I mean I am trying to help her out. But what is the point?

2004 in Review

I think this is a good time to reflect on my accomplishments and blunders. Here goes.

1. I graduated from my second bachelors degree.
2. I moved to Ontario and began my masters.
3. I took my first ever (REAL) vacation and went houseboating in the Shushwaps.
4. I got a passport.
5. I went to New York marking my first ever trip outside Canada (and my first ever Thai iced tea).
6. I became addicted to hot food.
7. I turned into an editing natzi.
8. I became the most in debt I have ever been. And for the first time ever wasn't sure I'd make it.
9. I slept with one boy. Stone sober.
10. I completely misjudged someone.
11. Boy of 9 and 10 was a friend of Jesse's. And I shouldn't have. But I wanted to. And did.
12. I finally stopped being angry with my dad.
13. HC, QM, KB, & KG became my closest friends. JD is well on his way.
14. I realized I LOVE programming.
15. I learned Visual Basic.
16. I succumbed to loving and collecting children's novels.
17. I discovered Lemony Snicket.
18. I stopped enjoying slo-pictch.
19. I questioned my integrity on a regular basis.

Hmmm.....I feel kinda shallow.

what's the point II

My friend from my ball team emailed me to confirm our dinner plans for tommorrow saying "I'm not sure anyone else is coming but..." Now I am not sure if I feel sad about this or not. I mean she was really the only person I felt a real connection with. But I feel like I knew these people for three years and so I should feel sad. Not to mention that everyone gets excited when other people are in town to visit. I suppose there's two reasons...my visit is almost over so they know they weren't at the top of the list....and I didn't socialize with them all that much when I lived here...probably mostly cuz I had other friends that were closer and would be hurt if I spent more time with my ball team..I mean they got ALOT of my time for ball.

It's really tough to realize that you have to prioritize people. And I guess I sort of equate my ball team with the in-crowd. Maybe just because my other friends were a bit jealous of the fun I had with them or maybe because I never felt exactly like I could trust them. I don't know.

In my heart I know I am not upset, maybe even relieved that I am relieved of the responsibility of staying in touch.

what's the point

So, I come home to hang out with my mom and she's been sitting in her room, or the living room all day smoking and ignoring me. And then she took a shower for an hour and a half. AND WHY ON EARTH DOES SHE KEEP HER SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER IN HER BEDROOM AND NOT THE F^$#&^#$&*^(#&*! BATHROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love my mom. I do. But what is the point of me coming out here when all I do is read and she sits around and smokes. I could understand if she had work to do. But she NEVER does anything. Or if she does, it is cooking or cleaning. Now I know it takes work to keep a house, but believe me, it doesn't look that good.

This is a stupid waste of my time. And I just don't know how to be patient with her anymore. I mean I just don't really like her as a person. I find her stagnant, boring and lacking in any efficacy. So what the heck am I supposed to do?

She's my mother. It's not like I can just give up on her. ARG!

well, ok for now

From "She will be loved" by Maroon Five:

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved


....an absolutely beautiful song....that's all really.

Back in the Rural Groove

To be honest it's shaping up to be a reasonable day....

I think I put my jaw out of place eating soup yesterday...weird.

But otherwise, my mom was up early.
I have sent two important emails.
Jesse emailed me back.
I have set productivity goals for the day.

We're looking good. I plan to be reflective later today.

the mysteries of my universe

So it's been an interesting couple of days. I now have a date with the firefighter that I am thoroughly looking forward to it. He said he will come up with something for us to do which is a nice change. I like initiave.

Am feeling broke again. Socializing with one's friends is an expensive business indeed. If I can do some tutoring this term, though, I should be okay. I need to have a talk with my co-supervisor about whether I am fulfilling my responsibilities so far, though.

And I need to get started on the module I have to teach for intro psych. And my conference presentation. I meant to look at my data over the holidays, but I certainly haven't had time.

I had coffee with my old best friend today. It went really well. I hope that we stay in touch because I really enjoyed talking to her. I am worried that my current best friend will feel jealous about this. She needs to hear that I like having her as a best friend, quite a bit. Which is fine, she is very honest (not at all annoying) about it. But I am concerned, nonetheless.

Have been biting my nails ALOT. I feel very anxious. I wish I could control myself.

I owe Q money and must remember to pay him back. I think he feels a little annoyed with me.

I am feeling very annoyed with myself for worrying so much. I feel fat, but I keep eating JUNK. Not cool. I need an excercise regime, but I can't afford the one I want. Annoying.

I stayed and K and K's place last night. We played Grand Theft Auto. Wow! What a fun game. Terrible for kids, but I really, really enjoyed it. You steal cars and can run over people and things, beat on people, get high, do stunts, all kinds of totally illegal stuff. I know it's terrible, but it was truly a ton of fun.

I finally set up a meeting with my friends from my ball team. I have really mixed feelings about it. I am looking forward to seeing them but at the same time I feel like I have to explain why I haven't contacted them until now. That guilt thing again. And I scheduled my date with the firefighter right after. I hope I don't have to explain how I am leaving them to hang out with someone I hardly know....oh well, c'est la vie.

I am currently being haunted by a lyric from Cheryl Crow: "It's not getting what you want. It's wanting what you've got."

Let the record show...

that the firefighter called.

Soundtrack on the fritz

Right now alot of things are playing in the background of my mind, so I am just gonna give in and put them down as they play.

For Jesse:
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
But it's a game of give and take
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes

-You Can't Hurry Love, Diana Ross

For Pop:
So take your heart, take your soul
Just get yourself on out of here
Yeah, take your hurt, take your pain
Just get yourself on out of here
Wasting time
That's all you'll do if you're waiting for me
Wasting time

-Wasting Time, Collective Soul

Apparently, I'm feeling rather negative today. Which is highly related to updating my budget and is overshadowing the awesome fun-ness of last night.

New Year's Resolutions

By no popular demand or request...

1. To start taking Tae Kwon Do again. Really there's no excuse, there's a club like a half block from my apartment AND I feel like a big fat blob. There I said it. I feel fat. Ick. Stop judging me.

2. To make a meaningful contribution to my mother's recovery. Really, that means stop getting annoyed with her and find someway to reach her.

3. To behave myself with Jesse. No I don't mean stop messing around with him, I mean to say what I am thinking and to accept what he tells me.

4. To spend responsibly. So that I am not buying things even if I really want them because it is more important that I pay off my visa.

5. To feel less guilty and more empowered. Nuff said.

New Year's Magic

Given my penchance to leave plans to the last minute, New Year's Eve this year was an overwhelming success. Arrived right on time for dinner, despite being an hour and a half late...and then proceeded to meet a very nice firefighter who used to teach swing dancing. Caught my interest as I was attempting to learn about the visualization on my friends imac. Came up behind me and put his arms around me to type at the keyboard. Terribly sexy move.

Had a magnificently fun night of hat wearing, horn blowing, champagne drinking and of course dancing like a mad woman. Fantastic! We'll see if the firefighter calls....