hopes and fears and satellite ears

I'm alwasys sitting,waiting, wishing to hear from Timbuctoo...pathetic....I know. But why do I do it? I believe my behavior, with him and legions of others, is a sort of debris-in-a-storm sorta phenomenon. When my life gets a little too intense, I cling to the nearest thing to a soul mate in my life, sorta like a shipwrecker clings to a plank...hoping to float to shore. Indeed, they represent not only a current stability but a promise of a better future. I think this is why I think about them/him rather than cling to the knowledge that my best friend will love me forever and always. Best friend just doesn't hold the promise of future happiness...though she will be instrumental in it, no doubt. It almost seems like a betrayal of her, really. But obviously, it is not...it is just my way of coping.

He emailed me this morning, telling me he was heading out to see family and friends for the next week or so. Of course...I assume he was telling me not to expect to hear from him...not that I have anyway, really. I guess I was happy he took the time to email me, but felt a bit like it was just so I wouldn't freak out and stalk him or something....I know, I'm such an extremist.

It's getting easier to accept never being with him again, time and distance will do that. Now if I can just keep things steady in the rest of my life...meet my goals for the holidays, I may just go home a stronger person, strong enough to do the right thing when (IF) the time comes.