dead raccoon

I don't think I talked about this, but like many things in this world, it struck me a little more than it might for most.

I went rollerblading with Junior on Sunday and when we returned, there were police cars all up my street....probably six or so....some at the little store and some near a house. And of course people were gawking and slowing down even though there was nothing to see.

I being almost completely uninterested was instead drawn to a tragedy on my lawn. Right next to our tree lay an enourmous raccoon. Dead as dead can be but for all the world to see, sleeping....his little paws looked like they were clutching the ground as one would a pillow. His big belly all flat against the ground....no sign of injury, no blood. Just sad peace. I guess he fell? Or died of some disease? I don't know. But I watched him for some time. And thought about him much. Such a peaceful looking death.

a confluence of omens

I woke up this morning and thought: "I don't have anything to live for, that's why I feel so crappy right now."

I'm not usually such a pessimist but the problem right now is that nothing about my life seems fulfilling. It's just work and self-loathing.

To make matters worse, I couldn't find anything I wanted for breakfast in Starbucks so I walked into a smaller cafe and ran into Timbuctoo's gf who waived friendlyily and smiled her big friendly smile. I walked out of the shop a few minutes later, turned on my mp3 player to here "Shame" by Matchbox 20 playing. Suffice to say I felt awful.

I just don't feel like finishing anything. I feel yucky cuz I haven't been eating properly. I just don't care about the things I SHOULD be doing. What an awful feeling.

Well, what is there to say really? I'm busy, I'm confused. I waver between self-loathing and boredom. I don't know what it is that makes me always so malcontent, but I wish I could choke it out. I guess the issue is that I'm a grad student so being over busy is what's doing it, but even Smiley says that I lack balance in my life.

And what do I think balance is? Having a bf. Obviously that bs, but how do I convince myself of that? How do I convince myself that balance is time with friends, healthy eating, excercise, work, and love? I want those things, I just prioritize them in extreme ways.

what am I doing?!

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Unfortunately, currently the road less travelled is the wrong one. So, Timbuctoo came over and we had a chat today. As we often do when we fall off the wagon. In truth, as in many cases, he and I both looked forward to the chat...as an excuse to see each other. And also it is concerning that this has happened often enough that I don't feel bad for long because I've become an expert at dealing with it. Not cool.

Anyway, we talked. I told him about meeting the boy at the pub. Because I thought it important he know, just in case he asks me out and I say yes. Point is that this discussion was pretty honest. He told me, again, that me with another guy would be awful for him...knowing he has no right to feel that way.

But it's also the case that he's on the fence still about leaving his gf. And as much as I believe he feels for me, the fact is that I am waiting around for him to make a decision. And it's wrong. I mean, it's true that it's complicated...I know he has feelings for me, but I also shouldn't be waiting around for someone who's not completely sure.

So that's that. If the guy asks me out, then I'm going to say yes. I have to. I mean, this is wrong. I mean, all I'm doing by allowing this to go on is allowing Timbuctoo to not make his decision. Like I've said a million times, to have his cake and eat it to. I really need to deal with this.

remove head from arse

So it was quite a weekend. First and foremost, I've really lost my ability to work. I have a lot to do but nothing that needs to be done NOW! so I've been plodding and not doing much. Which is dumb cuz next week is gonna suck because of it. But hopefully I get my act together tonight.....

St. Patricks day was a ton of fun. Only the great Hostess and I went out but we went to the most Irish bar in town and had a good time. A very cute Serbian from my course seemed interested in me and made me highly confused....first time I'd been attracted to someone other than Timbuctoo in a very long time.

And to make matters worse, I left that pub to see Timbuctoo.....and guess who fell off the wagon yet again. Oh dear.

Anyway, less procrastinating, more work. I'll think through this later.

look at that bruise

Curling is fun. Wine is fun. Timbuctoo still has yet to disappoint me. Jerk. Today was a pretty good day. I hope tommorrow is good too.

lost again

sigh. Weak. Projecting. Inhibited.

Timbuctoo came over today to set me up with an excercise program, which was really great of him. He brought me an excercise ball which I have to say I think rocks. But the whole experience left me feeling really out of sorts...as every encounter does, I suppose.

I suppose part of it is that I allow him to see and talk about my faults, not that he puts me down, I've just always been honest with him and make a point of listening when he's right. But of course, it's hard to hear peoiple when they're right.

It's also the sort of awkwardness of not knowing how to behave. I don't know how he feels about me. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't even know what I'm thinking. I just know that I have to not jump him, I guess. So that's hard. Hard wanting to touch someone and knowing you can't, shouldn't, and won't.

And I guess the hardest part is knowing that he is still with his gf and that nothing will probably change. I feel it. I know it. And it sucks. And I've never expected anything else. It's just hard not to be pathetic about it. I guess I'm probably overreacting, I guess he did seem to want to touch me....certainly he made movements to playfight or to touch me and then stopped. But of course it doesn't matter.

As he left he told me he'd probably call me at 2am on Friday night (he's got plans to get plastered and show the youngins how it's done, apparentlY). He said it half joking but I guess that the reason he said it could only be to tell me he's still thinking about me. But does that even matter?

And it's hard fighting through my feeling of self-consciousness about excercising. Probably anyone else I wouldn't have been able to do it. But he was good. He takes it so seriously and tells me that I'm crazy for thinking like I do. It helps.

I just wish I didn't feel so broken now that he's gone. I mean I felt sorta tortured while he was here, but now I just feel lost and vulnerable and weak. Sigh. I need to have a crush on someone else to help me get past this.

just another sad love song

I sit on my futon and stare ahead at the wall and wonder what I should be doing.
I could be working. Or excercising. Or living.
And still I sit. Just like my mother. Stagnant, helpless.
I have appetite only for melancholy. I watch sad vampires and relate.
What is it in me that allows this? Why do I choose torment?
No one who sees me would say I am sad or depressed or melancholic, even.
Yet here, inside, I just want to feel sad.
Or maybe I just want to feel.
Do I hide from feeling by working or do I work because I have nothing to feel?
Why do I feel life hasn't begun yet?
Why do I love lone gunmen?
Why do I wait?

junkie

Still a junkie. Still spent the night waiting for him. Still jumped at his beck and msn call. Still pathetic. Still in limbo. I ought to just say I'm busy and go back to work. Or tell him that I need some space because this is eating me up inside.

I was hoping this feeling would be gone by ball season. But it won't be. And it's only my need for drama that maintains it....

I wish that I could just move on and be interested in someone else but every time I feel a hint of attraction to someone I feel like I need to put it away, just like I did while I was with my long term bf, way back in the day. Which is stupid cuz there is no commitment here. There isn't even the possibility for Pete's sake.

Sigh. I'm such a fool. Addicted to a real bad thing.

pathetic

I don't know. But man I felt like crap last night. I mean I really need to deal with this Timbuctoo problem. It's really interfering. Here's the rub.

So, I was chatting with him Thursday night and he said he was going to our local pub and I should come. I said I would but that I would not drink much. Which is what happened. The problem is that I still spent the whole time thinking about him and about how to get him to hang out with us. Eventually me and some friends left for dinner. And I just ended up feeling really lame and going home early after that. I mean granted I was exhausted, but still. I feel like I only want to go out if he's there. And that's sad. I hope it was just cuz I was tired.

Also, I felt really frustrated that I didn't have his attention...which again, is dumb. And I remember seeing his gf and thinking, "man she's nice." She smiled and said hi to me which didn't help. I, of course, kept thinking about what a horrible person I am and how she didn't deserve this and how I would be stupid to entertain the idea that he will ever leave her. And that all of course just made me feel bitter and lonely.

Sigh. I hate this. I feel like I don't want anyone else. And I feel like I don't want him. I just feel unhappy. Ugh.

And to make matters marginally worse, Junior's gf broke up with him. And talking to Timbuctoo today about Junior's body language confirmed my fears that he has/will quickly revert back to crushing on me...which would suck.

Sigh. I am Junior's friend and I want to help him get through this but I really don't want to deal with my feelings for Timbuctoo and at the same time have to stave off Junior. Arg. Well, anyway, I promised Junior we could watch the game tonight at the pub, so we will. And Timbuctoo might come out later, I don't know....sigh...we'll just see.

here there and everywhere

It seems like forever since I've had the opportunity to really think and talk. But I need a break, so what the hell.

Few things on my mind right this day:

I still feel like my life is getting ahead of me and I am desperately holding on. I hate that. It makes me feel like I'm not living. I actually felt kind of glad to get home from Florida so I could get back to catching up. And yet I still feel guilty for every second not spent working. It sucks. I think part of the problem is that I have a few projects that should have been done ages ago. I think I am going to put them to priority one this weekend and just get them over with. I think I will feel much better.

The next thing on my mind is Smiley, one of my closest friends. He told me today that he has an STD...not HIV or anything, but here's the catch. He's not sure he has it because he doesn't ever become symptomatic but apparently he appears to have given someone else the disease. Apparently he can't just get tested for it to set his poor mind at ease because the test isn't covered and it will only come out positive if he's in a certain state (he called shedding...no idea what that means) which he has not physical cues to. So one, obviously my knowledge of STDs is frighteningly lacking and two, how awful for him. I mean at least if you know you have one you can say so and take precautions. But since he can't know when he's contagious, he can only warn people.....that clearly sucks...and it clearly is a major flaw in our medical system that there is not program of blood tests to figure out for sure if he has it. Seems unfair....it's not new to him so he's not filled with angst or anything but I think he just needed to vent a bit. Other than feeling sorry for him, it also terrifies me to think about how utterly lucky I am and how unbelievably naive I am. I mean really....why don't I just go get tested for stuff and then I'll know for sure....probably cuz I'm a major wimp. I mean I went through a fairly short bout of unsafe behavior and nothing looks or feels strange but still....it just terrifies me how scary the whole bit is...

when will I ever?

So I'm heading home tommorrow and I'm still not anywhere near caught up. In fact, I feel highly, highly behind. And stressed...it sucks. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I didn't get work done during the conference, but I actually feel MORE behind....SIGH!

I just want to catch up!!!

So tired of being stressed.

That said, I've had a great time in Florida. I saw dolphins, went to the Dali museum, went to Busch Gardens.Had a decent conference....decent. I just wish I wasn't so tired and stressed all the damn time. I suck.