Last post of March

So it's been an interesting day. Here's the highlights.

Poor Smiley's apartment got burglarized. I can't say I am TOO surprised cuz the place is such a hole. But I hate to see Smiley sad. I wonder if this will shake him out of his "nothing bad ever happens to me" mentality.

I woke up roughly every hour last night with the world's sorest throat. The only thing that made it feel any better was sucking on candy...of which I had very little...and of course meant my blood sugar was sky high this morning...just to add insult to injury. Hope I don't have SARS.

I am feeling concerned about the firefighter. We have hardly chatted at all in the last few weeks and I am concerned that this "relationship" is dying simply because we are getting too lazy to maintain it. Which is really not something I am comfortable with. I am busy so I am not as committed to be online for our 11:30 "date"...but I think that is also because despite him saying that he looks forward to chatting with me everyday he's often not online at that time....so I don't know. I just wish I could talk to him. I need to grow some balls and just talk over what's going on with us.

So I'm sick and sad. Darn.

outfit by

So I was walking to school today when I started thinking about those magazine articles where they go to a city to "see what everyone's wearing"...but then I was thinking, wouldn't it be fun if they included the designer info for real people's outfits, rather than just the expensive magazine version?

Here's what mine would be today:

Jean Jacket by Smart Set
Blue Cardigan by Cosco
Scarf by the O'hare Airport Convenience Store
Blouse by Brian's
Jeans by Silver
Shoes by Zellers
Attitude by the Camel

I laughed myself silly and then got to work.

recurring themes

1. wanting to lose weight, but eating like a pig
2. worrying about being healthy, but not eating properly
3. wanting to look composed, but biting my nails
4. wanting to get out of debt, but spending money on frivlous wants

Apparently my major issues with my life currently are appearance- and control-related. This makes me think about myself as a younger kid. I remember when I didn't like something about myself so I changed it. Now, I'm too lazy and too weak. And I hate it. Every few days I tell myself that I CAN and WILL do it. But I don't.

Maybe tommorrow.

there he is...

every time I start to feel like he doesn't care.....chipper and cute and cuddly.

wow, boys are so annoying

And I shouldn't be kissing them. Where IS that firefighter?

Computer Soccer

Wanna play? My computer decided to die yet again...and by die I mean boot only to the blue Windows XP screen. Bizzarre...but at least I found a hotfix so hopefully this will be the last time. Unfortunately, because I STILL don't have a boot disk, I have to wait until Monday to fix my computer. &#$&@#*(&(*@$#.

Anyway, spent a lot of money this weekend, but I finally have some good curl shampoo, conditioner and products, though thus far I am not impressed.

More interesting is that I got a new watch, finally....the only thing I don't like about it is a lack of indiglo. But other wise it is so cool. It has sparkles in it. Stay tuned for a picture.

Sadly my brother didn't win the big Spring Break trip in Daytona. oh well. My mom was hoping he'd be home for Easter. Ha! He has a free bus ticket around the US. I somehow doubt he's coming straight home.

I messaged the firefighter to say I wouldn't be online all weekend and Happy Easter ...on Friday and he hasn't messaged me back. Clearly he is losing intersest or is becoming less worth my adoration. Could go either way here. I think I'm a bit annoyed.

Ridiculous Fact #10

I only eat with a tablespoon if I have no other options. Go teaspoons!

Feeling better

I am feeling a bit better....I had a nice long chat with the Firefighter this morning. Actually, had a chat with Smiley and he said that I really behave as though I am in a long-term relationship. Sigh. Oh well...love it while it lasts. Firefighter makes me smile so big.

Also, this morning Roomie said something that made me feel a world better. She pointed out that it was somewhat irresponsible of my profs to run a 150 subjects without looking at the data. And that research is a team effort. I know it's still my fault, but I realize that other checks failed too. And....my prof clearly got the data/email I sent her and had me prepare some more data for her (so I am feeling a bit less useless).

My brother! Haven't mentioned him in a bit. He's currently on a trip with a local radio station, heading to Daytona for spring break. I was really nervous about how he would do at first, but he seems to be doing really well. And the radio station is taking and posting lots of pictures, which is cool. I think the winner gets a six day stay at Daytona Beach...they started with six teams and are down to three...and apparently the final day is tommorrow....GO BRO!!!

I still feel like a worm, but now I'm angry too

So the prof emailed me back saying the reaction time data didn't make sense. So I fixed it and emailed her back, thinking at least they could use that. BUT then she emails me back saying it still doesn't make sense and that they don't have much faith in the data because of that, and so they are not going to put any data in their submission!

Well that's just great, isn't it? She misunderstands my correction, so she's double mad at me and now the paper has much less chance of being accepted because of this. So now I am angry because she is angry with me.

Yes, I'm incompetent, but at least I only fucked up one thing, really. I mean if I had coded the data properly in the first place, the second mistake wouldn't have happened, but REALLY, i fixed that in like twenty minutes.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I am NOT HAPPY.

I want to crawl in a hole

Wow, did I mess up big time...I got an email from my profs from this summer. First saying Congradulations about the SSHRC, but then saying...."sorry to ruin the celebration, but.."

turns out the program I wrote for them this fall didn't work properly and now their data is useless. And they have to do final revisions of a conference presentation by tommorrow. Ack!!!

I mean it's not ALL the data, but it is the data that we were most interested in. I feel like slime...worse than slime. And there is not a single thing I can do about it.

I think the reason I feel so bad is cuz 1. they are/were putting me on the publications 2. trusted me to do the programming in the first place, rather than hiring someone new 3. are SO nice 4. it throws in sharp relief my programming abilities 5. I AM SURE THAT I TESTED FOR THE THING THAT WENT WRONG...which means I probably made a trivial final change that ruined everything.

Obviously the moral of the story is to do ALL testing over when you do final changes...sigh.

for existing in the first place

ok, I'm not going to say something cliche like "it's funny how life goes up and down" or "just when everything's perfect..." But I am gonna talk today about what state human beings should aim for.

The easy answer is happiness. But the fact is that we just can't expect to be happy all the time. And we shouldn't try to fool ourselves into thinking we are happy when we are not. This is something I have been thinking about for a long time.

I used to picture my perfect homework area, or my perfect living room. And in all those fantasies I was working away happily at things that in general, I feel anxious or frustrated while doing. Recently I have started enjoying my desk, but I still find myself biting my nails anxiously rather than relaxedly raking my rock garden.

So if not happiness, then what? Well how about a state of readiness...not in the sense of anxiety but in the sense of feeling able to cope with whatever life throws at us. And/or how about following Ethan Hawke's advice in Reality Bites and "take pleasure in the little things"...pleasure is not the same as happiness. It is more momentary and expectedly so.

And I think that it is much more satisfying and believable to say that I am going to enjoy a moment than a lifetime. But I still expect to enjoy my lifetime...just not every second of it. I may even revel in some of the depressing parts.... (I recommend "August and Everything After" by the Counting Crows and "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" by Sara Mclachlan for such behavior)

My new glasses!

My new glasses as modeled by Roomie's bears.

music for now

Me and roomie just went for yummy, yummy sushi. This was playing in her cd player....stupid boys...

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

-Stupid by Sara Mclachlan

is that a camel beside the phone?

Well, not exactly, but not having had the opportunity to have a real conversation with the Firefighter is driving me bonkers.

Also, I wish I had a digital camera so I could take a picture of my pretty new glasses.

save toby

so this is SUCH a terrible site...kinda like the Bonsai Kitty site...I can't decide if this is clever or awful. I mean it's clearly a joke, but it's still awful.

savetoby.com

Wow, what a day!

0. I met a guy I was attracted to yesterday. Got drunk with him and some other friends. And didn't hit on him because of the Firefighter.
1. I got to chat with the Firefighter for a reasonable amout of time today.
2. I got my eyes checked and spent $300 on a lovely new pair of glasses.
3. I GOT A SSHRC!!!!! YES I DID!!! HURRAY!
4. Roomie and I had a VERY fun day together today.

Word of the Week #2

Rapture. It's what I feel when I do something that I will feel guilty about later, but relive and replay in my mind for the rest of my life.

Up till 2 again

I have accidentally fallen into the habit of going to bed at 2am. So tonight when I tried to go to sleep early, well..here I am....pondering my life...well, pondering boys.

Roomie always says that when she dies she wants to regret the things she did do, not the things she didn't. Lying in bed tonight, that came to mean something to me.

I finally got a text message from the firefighter tonight. Just one mind you. But one, none the same. Jesse has emailed me a few times this week and I've been very hesitant about responding. I have responded, but I'm afraid that I will misintrep his flirtings. That they don't really mean anything.

Thinking about the Firefighter got me thinking about Sesame Street. And thinking how very much I had enjoyed the other boy I got with. And feeling somewhat sorry that I didn't try to stay in touch. But also realizing that I just can't balance feelings for more than one boy at a time, and the Firefighter was so much more salient and aggressive.

Thinking about Jesse made me think of SNAFU of houseboating...how I really can't make the situation make sense. And wondered yet again, what he is/was thinking.

And as I always do, I started to feel guilty about all of them. And then it hit. These were good experiences. All of them. And even though they may not have been smart, and even though I feel regretfull about them in some ways, I don't feel regretfull about them in ALL ways. And so, I feel ok.

So anyway, the point is that if you're a drame a junkie like me, you are most likely going to deny, deny, deny until the most emotional, most passionate moment, and then throw caution to the wind. And maybe that will be expensive. But that moment is worth it.

Happy spring lyrics

Ok, not really, but spring is making me obsessed with love.

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me
wellI wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore

-Broken by Seether

Ridiculous Fact #9

Love is not a jar of sugar.

I am my own most interesting soap opera

Two things really:

1. Spring makes me more desirous of a mate
2. I haven't spoken to the Firefighter in what seems like forever

Result:
1. starting to think the programmer in my cosupervisor's lab is cute. He is kinda, but he's also probably not as attractive to me as I think he is
2. got excited when Jesse emailed me. I haven't contacted him, not even once, since Boxing Day. Too late, I already emailed him back. Sigh, just need to be distracted.

Also, I produced my first Matlab program (well, script) ever today. I'm feeling pretty good about this. I only started playing with Matlab on Friday night. Yay for me. I really do love programming. That's definitely not a secret.

The Power of Blogs

So I was rooting around my Web site stats and I came across one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. Truly, it is.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

This whole blog is devoted to posting secrets mailed to the person who authors it. That is not the disturbing part of course. The disturbing part is the secrets.

Everyone has their secrets, of course, but to see evidence of it was unbelievably moving. Like each person on that site has confided in you because you have pinky-sworn NEVER to tell anyone. And they only told you because they will never see you again and you will never see them again. Honestly, that hollow feeling you feel when you get bad news? I kept feeling it, empathizing with the people who felt consumed enough by their secret to have it posted for the world to see.

And if you think about it, they wouldn't be things that you would say, "oh big deal" to or they wouldn't truly be secrets. A true secret is something that shatters you when it is shared. Something that you feel truly ashamed or terrified of. Maybe i'm being melodramatic, but read through the secrets and you'll see what I mean. Wow!

this week's song

So posting the lyrics on my mind to my toolbars means that they won't be preserved for all eternity on this blog, so I'm gonna post a post for them too. Don't complain. Here's what made me feel all tingly inside today.

When people keep repeating
That you'll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can't seem to get enough

Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door

-Let my love open the door by Pete Townshend

Somehow today.

Somehow today my mood went up and down. Amazing how a little sunshine and the smell of spring can make you feel like there is a whole world of opportunity just waiting.

Suddenly I feel like I CAN catch up. And like I can finish everything I have to finish.

On the other hand, this isn't most days. I wonder alot whether I am wasting my life worrying.

I think because it is spring I am feeling this way. Every movie clip, every song makes me long for my soul mate. Sigh.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Camel #8

It's been a while...so much for that idea...but here's a deep thought, anyway.

I looked over at my nav bar this evening and realized that I am into my FIFTH month of blogging. Where does the time go? I mean, I remember looking at other people's blogs and thinking, "wow, they've been blogging forever" and look at me now!

What is it about blogging that is so startlingly alluring? Sometimes I will think about what I want to write in my blog long before I write it. How is it different from a journal...which I could never manage to keep up. I think the difference is connotative: I don't see my blog as a record or as confidante. I see it as a sounding board. A place where I can be myself with no responsibilities to anyone. I can be self-indulgent, self-absorbed, self-deprecating, self-conscious...whatever.

I mean it's so different from a journal because anyone can read it. And no one can. Because no one who reads it (God willing) knows me personally, or at least didn't know me pre-blog. So rather than living in fear that someday someone will read my journal and somehow that validates me. Granted I fear that one day someone I know personally will encounter it and turn my life upside down, but still, this is sooo much better than writing in a journal. Almost as if a journal was a way of internalizing everything. There was no validation, no attention, no reward.

I can see now why group therapy works....happy blogging to all!

I wanna be a Webmaster

There's a posting for a Web master for my university's graduate student society. Big M felt I should apply for it since she's heard me say about a million times that if I had the balls I would quit school and become a programmer/graphic designer. I looked at the posting and got totally excited.

The position is only 2 hours a week which is perfect for me. It's funny cuz I don't care really about the money...just as long as there is some. I'm just excited about the job. I totally want it. I'm actually excited about preparing my resume. Neat.

Ok, so the Web site I'd be managing isn't exciting and colorful, but it's design is pleasing to my design eye, so I'm still excited. The deadline to apply is April 8 tho, so I'm trying to put off applying until I don't have a whole bunch of things hanging over my head...but I am dying to apply. Weee.

Doggy paddling away

Today started rather unfortunately. My computer wouldn't boot up again. I nearly lost my mind when the Tech told me he thought we'd have to format it again. So I ended up not getting any grading done until like 9pm. In the end, I didn't need to format my computer - Yay! but my day was certainly non-productive.

It was also sorta non-productive cuz I have to make a bunch of new videos for this new study...boring ones too. Bleh.

But I've been grading and I'm catching up on it. Yay.

Right now I appear to be chatting with my mom's husband on msn. Weird. Unsurprisingly, he's complaining about his job. Don't blame him. It sucks. But he sure doesn't have the kind of attitude that will get him ahead either...Sigh. I feel so sad when I think of my family...it's such a terrible feeling, helplessness.

Rule for a Camel #8

Blogging is therapeutic. Therapy is good.

I'm feeling...

particularly vulnerable. It's funny how the teeniest tiniest screwups can throught us into such a state of unrest that we walk around our apartment swearing and smacking poor unsuspecting walls. Almost as if what we were annoyed about mattered. Even though we KNOW it isn't worth a mint in the grand scheme of things.

And an incessantly beeping watch is not helping.

May the day get better from here.

reviewing fun

So I've decided to do reviews of the books I read. Basically, I want to keep a record of what I'm reading and I want to remember the book in 50 years. So that's that. Good for me.

Also today. I talked to the Firefighter which was nice. He's going to Vegas for four days tommorrow which makes me sad, but oh well.

I'm getting lots of headaches again, this is bad.

My cosupervisor said my proposal looks good. Yay.

Camel Review #1

So over the trip to San Diego I digested an entire book: Shampoo Planet by Douglas Coupland. And I felt inclined to share my literary accomplishment by writing a review. Since I'm no journalist, this will probably suck, but hey, don't read it.

This book, like most of Coupland's work, sounded vaguely uninteresting when I read the back, but as always, when I actually forayed into the book, I finished with a contented sigh. Filled with incredibly colorful and creative imagery such as "The sky is a nutritious deep electronic blue today", the book tells the story of Tyler, a twenty-something who likes his hair to look good and who lives in classic middle-class squalor. The book details his relationships with his girlfriends, family, friends, and related losers after he returns from a six month bounce around Europe and crescendoes with Coupland's classic enlightening and tragic event. I loved it. Read it. It's great despite the fact that you feel the 80's happening.

Home

Ah its good to sleep in my own bed. Back to the grind...

lyric awhile ago

Made me tingle, feeling vulnerable:

show me how it ends it's alright
show me how defenseless you really are
satisfied and empty inside
that's alright
let's give this another try

- So Cold by Breaking Benjamin

Real Camels

We went to the San Diego Zoo today which was pretty cool. Not nearly as cool as Sea World, I'm pretty sure because they are WAY less commercialized...it seems like the good folks of the San Diego Zoo are more concerned with helping animals than making money. What a strange thing to see. But anyway, kudos to them. Admission was like half of what Sea World was, which was a happy surprise for me....plus the "maple leaf discount"...so if any Canadian is reading this and planning on going to a theme park in the US anytime soon, make sure you off-handedly mention you're Canadian. Good things happen.

Theme for the day: Suspicious Minds by Dwight Yokam...for the Firefighter of course.....

We’re caught in a trap
I can’t walk out
Because I love you too much baby

Well, love is a strong word, but I certainly keep thinking about whether he has forgotten about me. I mean, in all honesty I can't say I missed him exactly, but I did think about him alot and hope that nothing would be different when I got back to Canada....truly I wonder whether my interest is just in having someone to want (but not have) . I mean if I was in Alberta then certainly I would be with him, but since I'm not, I wonder if all my musings about him are only me wanting someone to crush on....sigh...same old questions....hell with it. I do miss him. Sorta wish he was reading this right now...in that I-wish-he-could-only-see-this sort of way....I digress.

One day left

Only one more day of conference, and it hasn't been a total disaster. Granted there havent' been any wild parties to network at but that's hardly my fault. And today I finally started talking to people in that sorta familiar way, so I think people WILL remember me, some anyway.

I don't know when it happened but I've become shy. I never used to not want to talk to peoeple but I have been feeling really hesitant about socializing here. I haven't even managed to meet all the BIG researchers that I want to know my name......oh well...and I'm still biting my nails. Boo.

I HAVE nearly wiped out on my oh so beautiful new shoes tho. Not the shoes fault surprisingly enough. Apparently I should have purchased fewer pants with enormous cuffs because twice I've caught my heel in them and nearly toppled down stairs. Smooth. But besides dropping my bun on the restaurant floor right in front of our waittress my clumsiness hasn't been too bad...knock wood.

conferencing

So, I've relaxed a bit. M and I thought for a while that J and A were avoiding us and that sucked, but turns out neither of our message systems works properly, so that's good.

Roomie is very happy about the nice clean house. It's great how she always makes a point of saying thanks...I think it makes it easier to like each other when you make a point of being appreciative.

The firefighter hasn't emailed me and that makes me sad. Maybe he has finally found a more solid person to flirt with. Or maybe he doesn't think I'll be around to get it...either way, it makes me a little sad.

Luckily I'm too busy to worry about it. We found a great place for sushi and I bought some new jeans.

It's been raining....I know this was a boring post but I am dying to go have some coffee and read before this morning's sessions...Toodles.

I had sooo much fun today

Today we went to Sea World. I spent a ton of money but I saw Shamu and all kinds of other beautiful sea creatures...Sea lions can swim so fast! And I have a picture of me with Shamu and baby Shamu swimming by! Hurrah!

Why is everything I own rubbish?

Ten points if you can tell me which book that quote comes from? Hint: it's a children's novel.

Staying at the Hyatt is giving me a complex...staying in California is giving me a complex. Everyone here is loaded. God. Dressing in the morning is sooo depressing. Buying meals is depressing. Yeesh. I need to get out of debt.

I should definitely be having more fun.

My self control keeps bending to my will

Sigh. I wish I was rich. I wish I was beautiful. OR I wish that I had the self control to NOT spend spend spend and just pay off my VISA for pete's sake. Yeesh...ok, granted you only get to go to Victoria Secret once in a while and granted they don't have Bath and Body Works in Canada either, but still!

And did I really need to spend $25 American for dinner? NO!

Ack...well, despite my less than stellar blip of loss of self control, this trip has been good. The flight was fine. I backed up my computer before I left, I left the house clean, I changed the sheets on my bed. ...what more could I ask for?

Ok, well, I could ask for more self control, but really...you gotta let it go. Anyway, now I have Victoria Secret underwear and I smell really really good. That's something. And I'm gonna look good at this conference if it kills me. Which it might.