Open Letter #1: write me a better part

You know, I began this blog so that I could say the things I didn't want to share with my friends...and after a year I've become more and more conscious that occasionally people actually read this stuff....but however obsessive and abnormal I may seem, this is what's in my head and I sincerely hope that knowing this is what makes me different from truly ridiculous people.....

So today marks a new feature in this blog. Open letters....I'm going to write them to all the people I have things to say to that I don't, won't, or can't say. Unsurprisingly, we'll start with Timbuctoo. Caution: this is massively pathetic.

Open Letter #1

What do I really want to say to you? That’s easy…I’ve said it over and over to the internet. I have no doubt that someday I will tell you. I’ll probably copy it right out of my blog and send it to you. I’ll probably throw it into your arms with tears in my eyes and walk away. I listen to sad songs and try to convince myself that it will be okay. I cruelly remind myself that we will almost certainly never be together. Blue Rodeo will never feel the same again.

And today, reading a paper on evolutionary psychology of all things I reflected humorlessly on how I seem to unquestionably accept you as the best of them all. And in turn, myself as the less desirable mate…I always let myself feel this way…I’m sure it’s a self esteem thing. And I know it happens and I can hide from it for a while, but it always comes. And its here now. I feel it when I look every day to see if there is an email from you. When I work upstairs where I can be on the internet waiting for you, rather than taking my computer downstairs and sitting next to the nice warm fire. And I hate myself for my weakness. And I ask myself if my friends are right about you.

Truly, from an outsider’s perspective, I am a fool. How could I let this happen.

But this is not about me. This is for you. I would willingly share all my hopes and fears and insecurities with you if you were mine. But you’re not and I don’t dare hope you ever will be. Even though I know that being in each others arms was undoubtedly the most real and most homey feeling either of us has ever had.

But this is about you. And your faults. Because I’m tired of talking about me and mine. You. Why me? Or is it just me? You’re clever, I know…you could manipulate me because you know what I want to hear….truly only me? Well, I’ll never know. And if just me, then why? Was it something you saw in me that was new and incredible or just that you saw in me a desperation that could be used? Did you perceive that I would acquiesce? That I wouldn’t tell?

And if it was something incredible about me then it couldn’t have been so incredible because five months later you haven’t changed your life at all. And I can’t say I believe you ever will. No, I can’t.

As I sit here and wonder if my views on God and my physical unfitness will turn you from me, shouldn’t I be asking myself instead why I should bother with someone who has a history of not committing and now of infidelity? Why does every Blue rodeo song I hear become an anthem for us? For example:

And its day after day
I keep hanging around
Please tell me why
Night after night ya I know I should leave
But its something in those eyes
Keeps me hanging on hypnotized
It breaks my heart and I don’t know why.

It won’t do. I pretend that I don’t hear “I love you” every time you say “I hate you”…I pretend that it will never happen again. And I pretend that when he tells me what the future could look like that its ok. I pretend and I pretend that I am okay and that I am strong. And I’m lying. And I know that I should walk away and night after night I look for you.

Tell me I’m not a fool. Tell me that this feeling is shared. Tell me that when I defend your actions that I am not seeing you with my eyes closed. Tell me that I’m not wasting my time. Tell me you are the man I want you so badly to be.

So many people I know have found someone. Why can’t I? I want it so badly. There’s a Kelly Clarkson song that I know will become my own…I know…I just know….I would show you everything behind these hazel eyes….I know you don’t believe in the mystical one and I’m sure I don’t either but I do believe that finding someone you can really connect with is no small matter. I do believe that very few people click and that we should treasure them…and fight for them….even if I am too much of a coward to do it…a fool. I know, I am a fool. I’ve hardly changed from heart break to heartbreak….Like a drunken fool who doesn’t know when to leave.