like waves in the sea
Finally...some time to stop, to think, to order. Why is it so easy to get wrapped up in what you have to do and lose site of the reason you're doing it? Why is it so easy to forget that everything we do in life is supposed to be contributing to the quality of our life?
I feel like I'm waiting for life to start again. Or maybe that's how I felt....I'll know by the end of this little talk....I mean, it was like I was running experiments just because I had to and spending every spare second with Timbuctoo because I didn't have enuf seconds with him, and going out to escape from work. And nothing I was doing was for the good of me!
How I want to feel is like my research is something I like doing. That challenges me and that I do with precision. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to get it over with...I'm supposed to be doing this for the next three or four years! And yet, there are so many jobs I could be very happy at. Why am I here? Am I only asking myself this because of Timbuctoo's baby question? Am I just looking for a way to give him the answer he wants?
I like thinking. I like writing. But these seem to be the things that I don't have time to do!
And what about this boy issue, anyway? I mean, I looked back at all my posts since this summer to get an idea of how things with Timbuctoo progressed and I was a little surprised. In fact, I had been having feelings for him since I returned from Lebanon in July. And I hardly wrote about him through September and October aka the Cody Project. So I guess that this feeling of there being an us is really just something that happened this week. I guess because we spent so much time together and because I have come to depend on him to listen when I have a rough time of life. And also because of this feeling of not having enough time.
I hate that. Until this week I did have any sense of urgency. I felt like if Timbuctoo broke up with his gf then things would just run their course. But suddenly I feel as though I have to hang on to him...keep him. What a terrible thought. I can't stand the idea of feeling like I'm losing someone I never had. I guess this is what it means to develop an emotional attachment. I guess i just hate how hard it has suddenly become to answer questions honestly, as opposed to saying what I think he wants to hear. That's something I need to work very hard at and something I hate about myself.
And yet, things with Timbuctoo have been very good for me. I've learned that I CAN be totally honest. I've definitely finally had a chance to express myself sexually because I have finally been with someone I feel comfortable with. I've definitely learned about what I really want because I've finally been old enough to listen. It's good. It's just a pity that there is a 99% chance that nothing else will come of this, other than heartache.
And my health. Always an issue. I've been really frustrated with my sugars and even over the last few days I've not been eating conscientiously. I need to. I must. I will. And as for excercising, well, I'm hoping my knock-off dance, dance revolution gets me going. And I'm really hoping I can afford a punching bag when I get home. Throw in some situps and maybe some hand weights and I'm probably in business....although I would like to take up yoga too, but learning a third new thing may be a bit much. I wouldn't want to end up with a bunch of equipment that I never use.... And last but not least...I WANT TO STOP BITING MY NAILS!!! Give me strength....
One last issue. My mom, my family....I must, must learn patience, I must, must learn patience. I wish that I could not get so annoyed. I hate myself for it...I don't even wish for a normal family. I'm way beyond that...I just wish I had the werewithall not to be such a jerk. (as a side note one of the things I like best about Timbuctoo is that he had/has a lousy family life too and so understands what it means to be smart, successful and from a lousy family....).
I think those are the balance of my issues...I'm terribly in debt but no more than I expected I don't thing so...I guess I'm okay....it sure is nice to finally sit down and think.
I feel like I'm waiting for life to start again. Or maybe that's how I felt....I'll know by the end of this little talk....I mean, it was like I was running experiments just because I had to and spending every spare second with Timbuctoo because I didn't have enuf seconds with him, and going out to escape from work. And nothing I was doing was for the good of me!
How I want to feel is like my research is something I like doing. That challenges me and that I do with precision. I don't want to feel like I'm trying to get it over with...I'm supposed to be doing this for the next three or four years! And yet, there are so many jobs I could be very happy at. Why am I here? Am I only asking myself this because of Timbuctoo's baby question? Am I just looking for a way to give him the answer he wants?
I like thinking. I like writing. But these seem to be the things that I don't have time to do!
And what about this boy issue, anyway? I mean, I looked back at all my posts since this summer to get an idea of how things with Timbuctoo progressed and I was a little surprised. In fact, I had been having feelings for him since I returned from Lebanon in July. And I hardly wrote about him through September and October aka the Cody Project. So I guess that this feeling of there being an us is really just something that happened this week. I guess because we spent so much time together and because I have come to depend on him to listen when I have a rough time of life. And also because of this feeling of not having enough time.
I hate that. Until this week I did have any sense of urgency. I felt like if Timbuctoo broke up with his gf then things would just run their course. But suddenly I feel as though I have to hang on to him...keep him. What a terrible thought. I can't stand the idea of feeling like I'm losing someone I never had. I guess this is what it means to develop an emotional attachment. I guess i just hate how hard it has suddenly become to answer questions honestly, as opposed to saying what I think he wants to hear. That's something I need to work very hard at and something I hate about myself.
And yet, things with Timbuctoo have been very good for me. I've learned that I CAN be totally honest. I've definitely finally had a chance to express myself sexually because I have finally been with someone I feel comfortable with. I've definitely learned about what I really want because I've finally been old enough to listen. It's good. It's just a pity that there is a 99% chance that nothing else will come of this, other than heartache.
And my health. Always an issue. I've been really frustrated with my sugars and even over the last few days I've not been eating conscientiously. I need to. I must. I will. And as for excercising, well, I'm hoping my knock-off dance, dance revolution gets me going. And I'm really hoping I can afford a punching bag when I get home. Throw in some situps and maybe some hand weights and I'm probably in business....although I would like to take up yoga too, but learning a third new thing may be a bit much. I wouldn't want to end up with a bunch of equipment that I never use.... And last but not least...I WANT TO STOP BITING MY NAILS!!! Give me strength....
One last issue. My mom, my family....I must, must learn patience, I must, must learn patience. I wish that I could not get so annoyed. I hate myself for it...I don't even wish for a normal family. I'm way beyond that...I just wish I had the werewithall not to be such a jerk. (as a side note one of the things I like best about Timbuctoo is that he had/has a lousy family life too and so understands what it means to be smart, successful and from a lousy family....).
I think those are the balance of my issues...I'm terribly in debt but no more than I expected I don't thing so...I guess I'm okay....it sure is nice to finally sit down and think.
posted by Camel at 10:12 p.m.
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