harder and harder to breathe
Today was one of those days where I could hardly put down my mp3 player...all I really wanted to do was walk and listen to music...
I just feel angry and sad and I don't know.
I keep thinking about Timbuctoo. And I don't want to forget him, but I'm well on my way. It's kinda like moving on would invalidate the whole experience. I mean I know that's stupid, but I just don't want to move on cuz I feel like it will disappear from me forever....
That said, things with Cody are just fine and just good. I had breakfast with him today after that lovely drunken msn conversation yesterday. Though it was much less exciting than it could have been....I don't know....I wonder if I feel like I've won him so now I am losing interest. Which woudl be very sad. Cuz he's super nice and doesn't deserve that and because that would mean NOT forgetting Timbuctoo.
Oh dear. Anyway, I wish Cody was online now so I could flirt with him. I wish Timbuctoo was online so I could just talk to him...tell him everything is ok, tell him I'm sorry if I say stupid things...tell him that I don't think anyone else knows...
Seeing him today at ball was fine but I had to remind myself not to crush on him. Watching him hit balls to us in practice, I really WANTED to crush on him. He has the most beautiful body...and all the pictures I have of him aren't helping...he's annoyingly photogenic....but anyway, I love the way he looks. I do. He's so coordinated..and so confidently so. Watching him field is wonderful. I love it. I hate him. I hate him for being everything a man should be. I hate him for knowing he is. I hate him for existing in the first place. He's not the most beautiful man alive by a long shot....but he's the best lover I've ever had. And he's exactly the athlete I want. God, I hate him. Sigh.
I don't feel like I need or want him and his woman to break up. I just am sorry I can't be with him more. To just sit and drink beer or to feel him hold me close.. Both of equal value to me. I know that I'm probably just wanting him cuz I can't have him. And because of that I'll never raise a word. I'll never tell him, I'll always lie if he asks. But he is somethign I cna't describe. Something so right. God I hate him.
Maybe I do just want Cody to distract me.....
I just feel angry and sad and I don't know.
I keep thinking about Timbuctoo. And I don't want to forget him, but I'm well on my way. It's kinda like moving on would invalidate the whole experience. I mean I know that's stupid, but I just don't want to move on cuz I feel like it will disappear from me forever....
That said, things with Cody are just fine and just good. I had breakfast with him today after that lovely drunken msn conversation yesterday. Though it was much less exciting than it could have been....I don't know....I wonder if I feel like I've won him so now I am losing interest. Which woudl be very sad. Cuz he's super nice and doesn't deserve that and because that would mean NOT forgetting Timbuctoo.
Oh dear. Anyway, I wish Cody was online now so I could flirt with him. I wish Timbuctoo was online so I could just talk to him...tell him everything is ok, tell him I'm sorry if I say stupid things...tell him that I don't think anyone else knows...
Seeing him today at ball was fine but I had to remind myself not to crush on him. Watching him hit balls to us in practice, I really WANTED to crush on him. He has the most beautiful body...and all the pictures I have of him aren't helping...he's annoyingly photogenic....but anyway, I love the way he looks. I do. He's so coordinated..and so confidently so. Watching him field is wonderful. I love it. I hate him. I hate him for being everything a man should be. I hate him for knowing he is. I hate him for existing in the first place. He's not the most beautiful man alive by a long shot....but he's the best lover I've ever had. And he's exactly the athlete I want. God, I hate him. Sigh.
I don't feel like I need or want him and his woman to break up. I just am sorry I can't be with him more. To just sit and drink beer or to feel him hold me close.. Both of equal value to me. I know that I'm probably just wanting him cuz I can't have him. And because of that I'll never raise a word. I'll never tell him, I'll always lie if he asks. But he is somethign I cna't describe. Something so right. God I hate him.
Maybe I do just want Cody to distract me.....
posted by Camel at 12:12 a.m.
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