you're my favorite damn disease
Some day I'm going to look over my blog entries and see whether my 'self-conscious' posts all happen at the same time each month...cuz seriously, they seem periodically....
I feel huge. I HAVE gained some weight, seven pounds I believe since the last time I weighed myself, though well within what my body seems to feel is normal. I just feel like a whale. It's all the beer I'm drinking..it's leading me to take more insulin, which I KNOW leads to weight gain...basically I'm upping my calories but not my exercise...badness.
Ok, now that's done. I have lots to think about and say about this weekend. Suffice to say I'm yet again dissatisfied with my behavior. I'm rolling my eyes at myself right now. Stupidity. And I think mostly cuz I was sad that Cody wasn't there.
I don't know when this blog turned into the ongoing adventures of my love life, but I guess this is what is consuming my mind so this is what comes out...sigh....I ought to worry about something useful like world peace....
So. About Cody. When we last left the camel she was concerned about her waning interest in Cody. However, this weekend the camel really, really wished Cody was there. And phoned him on Saturday night and left him a message. Which he returned on Sunday like the good boy he is. When I got home today I msned him and chatted...with what I had hoped sounded like a "hey, wanna do something?" but possibly did not since he didn't bite. I gave it one more try since I'd been looking forward to seeing him....and gave up on subtlety saying "I'm done working. I'm showering. If you wanna hang out, msn me before I put on my PJs." This worked. I went over and watched a movie with him at his place.
It was nice. Awkward, but good. He often is in great kissing position but makes no move...which is driving me bonkers...is it me? Am I just rushing things or is he just shy? I don't know...Anyway, we watched Resident Evil which I love. Well, I love the second one...but I haven't seen the first in so long I didn't rememeber is. So we watched that. And held hands. And sat on the couch and talked while the credits rolled and the menu came back on. And man was that awkward. But so much better than not being around him, still.
So then we went to MacDonald's for food. And watched The Simpson's on his computer. And he has the best looking bookshelf ever. God smart guys are sexy. And then I realized he might not know how to ask me to leave, decided 1am was late enough and said, "let's go"....so he drove me home...which was the ultimate in awkward.
I feel exactly like I did in high school. Chatting in the car...sorta waiting....so after a very short interval of chatting, the impatient camel said, "Ok, I gotta go"...and then waited...and he said "ok"....and waited...at which point I said "So are you gonna kiss me good night or not?"...subtle as a train wreck. He looked at me and said, "Geez, you're demanding" and then leaned over. ...which of course makes me feel retarded and responded with a slick "don't kiss me then"...which was mostly lost as he kissed me...............................................God he's a great kisser...I actually feel butterflies...he's got these super soft lips and the greatest way of stroking my arms...anyway...suffice to say I loved it...bear in mind this was our first sober kiss. Good thing it wasn't awkward...yeesh. Anyway, so then I left. And felt retarded.
So now I'm wondering if he's losing interest in me or if I'm just over-anxious. I mean, he IS Mr. Laidback. But still...I feel a bit lost all of a sudden. I really like having him around. Being around him makes me happy, which is an excellent thing. But I feel boorish and awkward and pushy around him. Which is very bad. I guess what it comes down to is these facts:
I feel huge. I HAVE gained some weight, seven pounds I believe since the last time I weighed myself, though well within what my body seems to feel is normal. I just feel like a whale. It's all the beer I'm drinking..it's leading me to take more insulin, which I KNOW leads to weight gain...basically I'm upping my calories but not my exercise...badness.
Ok, now that's done. I have lots to think about and say about this weekend. Suffice to say I'm yet again dissatisfied with my behavior. I'm rolling my eyes at myself right now. Stupidity. And I think mostly cuz I was sad that Cody wasn't there.
I don't know when this blog turned into the ongoing adventures of my love life, but I guess this is what is consuming my mind so this is what comes out...sigh....I ought to worry about something useful like world peace....
So. About Cody. When we last left the camel she was concerned about her waning interest in Cody. However, this weekend the camel really, really wished Cody was there. And phoned him on Saturday night and left him a message. Which he returned on Sunday like the good boy he is. When I got home today I msned him and chatted...with what I had hoped sounded like a "hey, wanna do something?" but possibly did not since he didn't bite. I gave it one more try since I'd been looking forward to seeing him....and gave up on subtlety saying "I'm done working. I'm showering. If you wanna hang out, msn me before I put on my PJs." This worked. I went over and watched a movie with him at his place.
It was nice. Awkward, but good. He often is in great kissing position but makes no move...which is driving me bonkers...is it me? Am I just rushing things or is he just shy? I don't know...Anyway, we watched Resident Evil which I love. Well, I love the second one...but I haven't seen the first in so long I didn't rememeber is. So we watched that. And held hands. And sat on the couch and talked while the credits rolled and the menu came back on. And man was that awkward. But so much better than not being around him, still.
So then we went to MacDonald's for food. And watched The Simpson's on his computer. And he has the best looking bookshelf ever. God smart guys are sexy. And then I realized he might not know how to ask me to leave, decided 1am was late enough and said, "let's go"....so he drove me home...which was the ultimate in awkward.
I feel exactly like I did in high school. Chatting in the car...sorta waiting....so after a very short interval of chatting, the impatient camel said, "Ok, I gotta go"...and then waited...and he said "ok"....and waited...at which point I said "So are you gonna kiss me good night or not?"...subtle as a train wreck. He looked at me and said, "Geez, you're demanding" and then leaned over. ...which of course makes me feel retarded and responded with a slick "don't kiss me then"...which was mostly lost as he kissed me...............................................God he's a great kisser...I actually feel butterflies...he's got these super soft lips and the greatest way of stroking my arms...anyway...suffice to say I loved it...bear in mind this was our first sober kiss. Good thing it wasn't awkward...yeesh. Anyway, so then I left. And felt retarded.
So now I'm wondering if he's losing interest in me or if I'm just over-anxious. I mean, he IS Mr. Laidback. But still...I feel a bit lost all of a sudden. I really like having him around. Being around him makes me happy, which is an excellent thing. But I feel boorish and awkward and pushy around him. Which is very bad. I guess what it comes down to is these facts:
- I love kissing him
- I love hanging out with him
- I find him funny and interesting
- I feel like I'm in high school when I'm with him
- I feel like my impatience will ruin this
posted by Camel at 1:31 a.m.
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