Roomie is wise
Today I was chatting with roomie and remembered what she said about how I never tell her anything about my life. So I decided it would be a good day for it cuz I needed to talk about Timbuctoo.
So I told her the whole thing...and it came out sounding dumb, but I am happy to have told her. She said she'll never tell anyone because she cares about me and that meant alot to me.
She thinks I should not see him. She thinks I'll just get hurt. I'm sure she's right, but I think that I feel like I need to be punished for doing something so awful and so feel like I should make myself endure being around Timbuctoo and his woman. Alternatively, I think I really believe that he wants to get out of it and want to be around when he does. Ah, I'm so awful, either way. Armette today told me that Timbuctoo told his woman he'd stayed at her house once...because he wanted to be a "better partner"...which is concerning cuz he told her when he was drunk, so who knows WHAT he said, but since it's 100% out of my hands...meh
It's funny how I'm feeling right now. I like thinking about Timbuctoo but I hate that I'm thinking about outcomes...what is it about relationships? I mean, I am having to fight to remind myself that if he decides to leave her that he'll come to me, if he wants to. I don't need to be around. Period. And he knows I care about him. I don't need to let him know. Yeesh. Listen to me. Pathetic. I shouldn't even be having these thoughts. Bad Camel.
Moving on....I made some random comment about Cody cuz I wanted to talk about him since I was in the business of confessing to roomie. I didn't know how to bring it up so I brought up some random fact about him instead. And she said that he hardly talks to her anymore. And I said, hmmm...that worries me cuz he talks to me all the time. Then she got a goofy grin and spent the next five minutes insisting that we'd be great together...how the whole time she was with him she thought we were better matched, and how she would absolutely be totally unconcerned if we hooked up and would like to see him happy.
So, I guess that solves that problem...though I clearly need to deal with this Timbuctoo issue in my head first.
God I'm bored with myself.
So I told her the whole thing...and it came out sounding dumb, but I am happy to have told her. She said she'll never tell anyone because she cares about me and that meant alot to me.
She thinks I should not see him. She thinks I'll just get hurt. I'm sure she's right, but I think that I feel like I need to be punished for doing something so awful and so feel like I should make myself endure being around Timbuctoo and his woman. Alternatively, I think I really believe that he wants to get out of it and want to be around when he does. Ah, I'm so awful, either way. Armette today told me that Timbuctoo told his woman he'd stayed at her house once...because he wanted to be a "better partner"...which is concerning cuz he told her when he was drunk, so who knows WHAT he said, but since it's 100% out of my hands...meh
It's funny how I'm feeling right now. I like thinking about Timbuctoo but I hate that I'm thinking about outcomes...what is it about relationships? I mean, I am having to fight to remind myself that if he decides to leave her that he'll come to me, if he wants to. I don't need to be around. Period. And he knows I care about him. I don't need to let him know. Yeesh. Listen to me. Pathetic. I shouldn't even be having these thoughts. Bad Camel.
Moving on....I made some random comment about Cody cuz I wanted to talk about him since I was in the business of confessing to roomie. I didn't know how to bring it up so I brought up some random fact about him instead. And she said that he hardly talks to her anymore. And I said, hmmm...that worries me cuz he talks to me all the time. Then she got a goofy grin and spent the next five minutes insisting that we'd be great together...how the whole time she was with him she thought we were better matched, and how she would absolutely be totally unconcerned if we hooked up and would like to see him happy.
So, I guess that solves that problem...though I clearly need to deal with this Timbuctoo issue in my head first.
God I'm bored with myself.
posted by Camel at 11:26 p.m.
1 Comments:
Sigh. Well, I played ball with Timbuctoo's team again today and his gf was there. And she's growing on me. I like her...she smiled alot more this time...so I feel okay about him sticking with her.
But now I feel self-destructive because it does hurt to come to the conclusion that he shouldn't get out of the relationship.
AND...I am dying to chase Cody now to get over Timbuctoo, but I don't want to use him, cuz I really like and respect him.
Oh my, oh my, oh my.
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