almost, but not quite
Sigh. I'm sure I pulled it off, but I'm still miserable. Set the stage:
Wednesday afternoon. Camel and super hostess shopping until 7pm. The group decides 9pm is a good time to hit Margaritavile...so before Camel even knows it, it's time to go.
Margaritaville: the beer is flowing, the nachos sitting...the camel eats and drinks somewhat dispassionately...and when she leaves for bathrooom breaks she always wonders who will be at the table when she returns...
And then, at 11:30...Stevo makes it out...and Pop...and Cody. Damn. I'd honestly been waiting and wondering all night if he woudl come...but I never thought he would. He sat down, Stevo was between us. And I never said a word to him. We exchanged two glances all nigth. I did well. But he left before we did...and I suddenly felt sullen and sad. While he was there I had a GREAT time...honestly...he just made me enjoy it more in my effort to enjoy myself despite his presence...but when he left I lapsed into the sullens....luckily we were all leaving anyway and Junior is the only one who noticed.
I guess I just hate to see a challenge walk away. I know that I was hoping to come home to an email from him...but nothing...I'm sure I never will. I see now that he wants to be with my friends...not me. And I realize now why it hurt so much.
It hurt because I saw myself with him...far far into the future. And I never thought we'd get together...so when we did I thought it woudl go somewhere...there...the future. And it didn't.
Today I sat and had coffee and worked with one of the cuter new grad students...and I could feel I was attracted to him, though he wasn't super attractive...the challenge you know. And I had to work hard to not treat him like a new challenge. I invited him out..it was his birthday. He didn't come. I was sorry, but glad becuase I hate to think I'd flirt with him to hurt Cody. I probably wouldn't...be probably wouldn't care anyway...who knows.
Anyway, I did well. But it did become clear that Cody and I would not have lasted so long if not for my penchance for calling great parties. Which is sad...Margaritaville is tainted by his presence for me. Without him it is...nothing. I hate him now. And will have to fight to NOT rebound...I know...pathetic. Sigh........in the words of Jack "must I always be waiting, waiting on you?...must I always be playing, playing the fool?"
Wednesday afternoon. Camel and super hostess shopping until 7pm. The group decides 9pm is a good time to hit Margaritavile...so before Camel even knows it, it's time to go.
Margaritaville: the beer is flowing, the nachos sitting...the camel eats and drinks somewhat dispassionately...and when she leaves for bathrooom breaks she always wonders who will be at the table when she returns...
And then, at 11:30...Stevo makes it out...and Pop...and Cody. Damn. I'd honestly been waiting and wondering all night if he woudl come...but I never thought he would. He sat down, Stevo was between us. And I never said a word to him. We exchanged two glances all nigth. I did well. But he left before we did...and I suddenly felt sullen and sad. While he was there I had a GREAT time...honestly...he just made me enjoy it more in my effort to enjoy myself despite his presence...but when he left I lapsed into the sullens....luckily we were all leaving anyway and Junior is the only one who noticed.
I guess I just hate to see a challenge walk away. I know that I was hoping to come home to an email from him...but nothing...I'm sure I never will. I see now that he wants to be with my friends...not me. And I realize now why it hurt so much.
It hurt because I saw myself with him...far far into the future. And I never thought we'd get together...so when we did I thought it woudl go somewhere...there...the future. And it didn't.
Today I sat and had coffee and worked with one of the cuter new grad students...and I could feel I was attracted to him, though he wasn't super attractive...the challenge you know. And I had to work hard to not treat him like a new challenge. I invited him out..it was his birthday. He didn't come. I was sorry, but glad becuase I hate to think I'd flirt with him to hurt Cody. I probably wouldn't...be probably wouldn't care anyway...who knows.
Anyway, I did well. But it did become clear that Cody and I would not have lasted so long if not for my penchance for calling great parties. Which is sad...Margaritaville is tainted by his presence for me. Without him it is...nothing. I hate him now. And will have to fight to NOT rebound...I know...pathetic. Sigh........in the words of Jack "must I always be waiting, waiting on you?...must I always be playing, playing the fool?"
posted by Camel at 1:28 a.m.
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