where's the love

Sad, sad...things have been so busy of late that I haven't had any inclination to blog. Sad. I even missed my blog's birthday (November 25). Sigh.

Well, classes are over...I'm too nervous to look at my grade in my course, so I'm not gonna until my life is organized and I can take it...

Today is the day I move in to my very first apartment on my own. I hate moving, but I'm kinda excited...but I also don't have a microwave or tv, so that probably won't last.

sigh.....

sigh

Well....the assignment is moving along at a snails pace.

I talked to Timbuctoo...he phoned me today...completely oblivious to my concerns...I sorta fumbled through the conversation trying to get across that I was concerned without sounding pathetic...which I think I failed at...talk about not having a handle on one's issues...I mean I just wanted to talk to him for the sake of his presence...and he just wanted to hear my voice and then go to sleep. ...so as always, I seem the ridiculous, ridiculous female...if this was a real relationship, i'd be screwing it up...sigh.

Falling down

How did I get here? I feel like all of my self-control and morals have deserted me...like I'm behaving on pure reinforcement value alone...I'm supposed to better than this...

ok...this blog was meant to be a forum for me to say what was on my mind, when what was on my mind was more than I could admit to others. Time to drive that home.

I should be working on my field study presentation...I should have been all week...but I'v been procrastinating....something I don't do often...and I've been procrastinating both because I hate my study, but also because I'm burnt out and want to think about this whole Timbuctoo mess....hopefully this will be cathartic enough that I can get back to work....

So...things have gone from bad to worse. Where to start....well, Timbuctoo and I have started emailing and msning a lot more...probably every couple of days. And the conversations are nice, but the hint of guilt is unpleasant, especially given my propensity for bringing up the obvious wrongness of it all.

Also this week, I ran into his gf. And she doesn't deserve this. She IS nice. Every time I look into her eyes I see someone who deserves to be loved to death...and I want to jump off a building.

And I want to hate Timbuctoo for being a cheater...I do...I want to not trust him and I want to show him that he can't disrespect me by expecting me to be with him while he's got a gf...but yet I don't seem to have the balls to leave...I mean I tell him...but I guess that I haven't had anyone pay this much attention to me (that I found attractive) in so long that I am unwilling to give it up...

What's more is that we have dropped all pretenses about wanting to hook up. We make plans in ways that maximize our ability to see each other...both of us. It's dumb. His gf is going away for twelve days on Monday and he went to a dinner with her, left to watch the game with me (and others, but for all intents and purposes, me), left to go to a concert with her, and came back to hit on me. This is so wrong. And yet again, it's becoming harder to hide from others...

It was bigBlondie's bday party last night...and we met in the kitchen a few times...ok, granted I did try to pull away from him, but still...we shouldn't be making out in public places...or AT ALL for that matter.

Then, we waited till the very end of the party to leave so we could walk home together. Stupid. And, he could barely keep his hands off me, by the end of the party, which was highly inappropriate. And walking me home was torturous.

So, we left the house and he immediately wanted to kiss me, in the foyer of bigBlondie's apartment...but I was SO terrified of people catching us that I kept pulling away from him...which was the entire walk home....he just didn't seem to care that there were people around, and I as so paranoid I thought I would go crazy. I loved how he persisted and I wanted to kiss him again and again, but I was terrified....especially since roomie wasn't going to be home so my apartment was a safe zone...

Anyway, eventually we caught a cab the rest of the way...it never occurred to me that he wouldn't just stay for a while...but he dropped me off at my place. Good...but I hadn't expected it and so made this quick exit without a kiss goodnight and then felt terrible. Moreover, he seemed a bit down as I left...perhaps because I wouldn't let him kiss me during the drive? Is that why he went home? Now I just want to talk to him so bad. I hate this...

I hate that we couldn't control ourselves for one weekend. She is gone for almost two weeks as of tommorrow! And for christ's sake...what am I doing? And what does he think of me? I mean, I'm working really hard to not see a future for us, but it's so hard not to fantasize about it all day. And to boot, his banter is getting more, and more, couply? I dunno...I like him. And we fit together so well. But why am I waiting around? I saw the computernerd yesterday morning...he seems so nice, so excited, so happy and so simple....but the truth is that Timbuctoo fits me exactly right and I don't want to waste time with someone else until I know for sure...which is a terrible idea.

Sigh. I hate that I replay what he says to me in my head...that I'm waiting for him to come online to check on how he feels about yesterday...whether he was hurt by my pushing him away so much...that I just want him to be here beside me so I can tell him how much I like him....cuz he is so blunt about wanting to be with me and I say nothing...and I want him to say something real...about wanting to BE with me....which I know we both avoid...I dunno what to do.

Ending it is the morally right thing to do. Staying in contact but stopping messing around is the emotionally right thing to do. Nothing is what I want to do.

newsgroups rant

I had no idea what i was getting into. How do people have the time to talk on newsgroups? Not only is the content difficult to parse with all the quoting going on, but there are oodles and oodles of posts!

And, on top of all that, not all the groups work the same...which isn't surprising but it is confusing..so sometimes I can only reply to an author, but not post on the group...I just don't get it. This is gonna be the worst field study ever.

Unfortunately, I'm too tired to care. Plus, chatting with Timbuctoo today has left me dazed and confused...maybe tommorrow will make more sense....

i read something today

and because of it I'm starting a list of things I'd like to tell Timbuctoo to think about but feel like I'd be pushing him to break up with his gf which I don't wanna do:

1. In "Chatelain" (I think):"Like a good marriage, a good friendship is comprimising during transitions"...I think...which made me think that maybe he should ask himself whether his gf has transitioned but he hasn't yet....or if he is just not going to transition...

2. From "This is your life" by Switchfoot:

yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

...I just want to shake him and ask him if he's afraid to have what he really wants. Because if someone asked me the answer would be yes....

3.Leave by REM and Radiohead: "Where do I go where the land touches the sea"...this man is him...

I'm holding up now, oh, but I won't be for long

So....more Timbuctoo...last Friday...sigh. I gotta think this one through...

This time we made plans to see each other....after a party...we left separately and then he was gonna come over....but I passed out and didn't hear him phone three times, buzz my apartment, or throw two snowballs at my window.

But I phoned him the next morning and he came over.

I'm gonna lose on this one...I gotta take a stand...oh dear.

Someday I'll be Saturday night

Well...I dunno. I'm confused and confused. Suffice to say, I can't wait for the term to end so I can sit down and think.

This week has been a struggle for sure....I had to give a talk today that I didn't think I'd be ready for...literally, I got up at 5:30 to work on it...I HATE presenting unprepared...I LOVE presenting when I am. It sucked to be so anxious and stressed....luckily, it went well...I said a minimal number of stupid things, I hope...though I didn't answer the "implications" question to the extent that I would have liked to. And apparently they went really easy on me with questions....which I'm sorta disappointed about...I mean I wasn't prepared as much as I wanted to be, but at the same time, I LIKE being challenged...Apparently my labmate's rant last week to the coordinator had some effect. Darn.

So, I survived...one project left for the term...and it's big...and I'm gonna have to struggle to do well on it, but God-willing, I'll do well on the talk and I'll manage to finish this without going crazy....here's hoping...here's hoping...

things that go bump in the night

So you know those emails that you can forward to your friends and get them to fill out and send back? Well, one went around last week from some of my past friends....and included on the list was my ex of years ago...THE ex. And I was considering emailing him to see how he was...it was kind of a weird break up and I was really upset at the time. After I got over it I was glad we had broken up....so I thought it might be nice to email him to see what was new.

Well, I've been busy and haven't bother...but he responded to the forward (sent it to the whole list) and I was reading along thinking about how we really had had a few things in common when it suddenly became apparent that he is engaged. And that hit me like a brick wall.

I was glad to see he wasn't marrying the girl he'd been seeing for like four years that everyone hated (I didn't know her)....but I don't know what I felt...not regret....jealousy, I think....sad that he had something I wanted...not him...but a real relationship with a future.

And I immediately wanted some male attention which is the most annoying of all of this. Why is it that when we feel vulnerable we always want to put ourselves in comprimising positions. Arg. Anyway, I feel a little depressed now. He sounded so happy. And I'm glad he's happy but sad that I'm not.

And I really need groceries...chocolate and chips do not a meal make....yuck.

more minutes

Phew!!!

The proposal application IS DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I must do the multitude of things due before the end of the month....but still...happiness all around...

And of course time to reflect on Timbuctoo's continued occupation of the corners of my mind...so...here's the thing....

I keep thinking about all this when I have a spare moment, like in the van on the way home from Buffalo and on the way to school. And I find that there really isn't much to think about. The facts are as follows:

1. He may want to see me, but he doesn't want to break up with his gf.
2. Seeing him makes it harder for me to maintain the "never gonna happen" mentality.
3. Seeing him also reinforces his avoidance of dealing with his gf issues - sort of a "have your cake and eat it too" kinda thing.
   
4. Despite that it's nice to be wanted, it's fundamentally disrespectful to put me in this position. When it comes down to it, he's not considering me, he's just thinking of himself.

So despite the fact that be around him makes me happy, it is clearly unhealthy on every level. And so I sincerely hope that I am a resolute enough person to express this to him. Clearly the desire to see each other is not about to randomly dissapate, but I clearly need to suppress the urge for my own well-being.

Over and out.

Camel has a minute

I'm hanging around to wait for a participant to show up so I thought I would take this opportunity to talk about what ails me. One of the many.....today's crispy surprise:

my obsession with editing.

Ok, so I know my supervisor is sick of me asking his opininon on my grant proposal, but I'm really nervous about it. I mean he's really patient but I know in his head he's thinking...."it's good enough already!" The problem is that I don't think that I have really straight in MY head what I am aiming for in my PhD., let alone to try and make it obvious to someone else.

When it comes down to it, I just don't know the literature super well...I haven't done the background research to find out what has and has not been done along the lines I'm interested in....I mean I KNOW that in general it hasn't been looked at in my field, but I haven't scoured the research to find examples of where it has been done. Nor have I scoured the cognitive literature to really figure out what experiments have been done that I can draw on. So the problem is that I don't think I have a good handle on what I want to do, therefore I don't think that I deserve a big huge grant. But I want a big huge grant....

who the what now?

Oh, and did I mention that there may be a reasonably available boy interested in me? Did I mention that I've sidestepped him twice already? Did I mention how much I wish I didn't have Timbuctoo floating around my head? He's interfering. And just forgetting about him and dating this dude just doesn't seem to be an option my brain wants to go for. Serious uh-oh.

gaaaaaaaa

Oh man...oh man...I wish that I had not been totally exhausted Friday and had blogged...oh man...

Ok, well....I went to a Fantasia party....Fantasia is a sex toy company and one of my friends (Junior's new belle!) was hosting the party so me and about five other girls went. Totally fun, but really....what is up with putting faces and animal's on vibrators. Ugh! Apparently it has something to do with the law.....dunno....weird.

So...after numerous emails with Timbuctoo on Thursday I said I "might" call him later that night...which I did when I got home...and it was ridiculous....over an hour of wishing the right thing was easier. We both clearly really wanted to see each other but didn't because it was pretty late and it was a bad idea. Sigh. This is so complicated.

I mean we've moved beyond your basic fatal attraction to making plans to meet. Which is clearly a bad idea. Both times we haven't met up but it's clear we really want to see each other...and really...just to see each other...I mean it would be nice to mess around but I can honestly say that's sorta secondary....especially given the damn situation. Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. He needs to get his head out of his ass. And I need to make it more clearly not ok for him to say things like "so gf is going away for a week and a half..."....he can't be so retarded at this point that he thinks he should be staying with her...I mean really. Sigh..I'm too tired to talk about this completely.

Anyway, I was annoyed that I spent so much time talking to Timbuctoo rather than going to see my friends as I promised I would....especially since a certain boy that I don't want to date but love to be attracted to and talk to was coming in to town for the weekend. So, yay for me, I went out at like 1:30am and saw them and had a great time. Talk about having your cake and eating it too.

And then Saturday morning we went to Buffalo for the Bill's game. And that was fun too. What a busy weekend.

I gotta go finish my grant proposal....God I hope I have some time to write all these crazy thoughts down soon....

did you know that the hardest thing to do and right thing to do are almost always the same thing?

Drama.

I chatted with Timbuctoo for over an hour today...talking for the sake of talking and also negotiating possibly seeing each other tommorrow....Best friend called it when she said that this is a concern because now we're actually PLANNING to meet. This whole scene is just spiraling into the black abyss of danger.

I need to take a step back before I get hurt. I mean I've not changed my "he's never leaving gf" mentality but I am almost adopting a "we can see each other" mentality. Which is inappropriate. I mean really, every time he talks to me he's emotionally cheating on his gf. I know that even if he's not prepared to see it yet. And I'm not convinced that he has any real feelings for me other than desire for the concept of me.

Sticky.

sitting, waiting, wishing

That's me...until today. Sad but true. It's funny how easy it is to become obsessive. My friends tell me I'm obsessive about editing my work. They don't know the half of it.

Top story today is that my grant proposal may actually have a chance of sounding okay by the deadline. It's still in the "disjointed but on the right track" bin and hopefully tommorrow will be moved into "saying all the right things awkwardly" bin...and then any free second over the weekend will be consumed with moving it into the "win $35000 per year for three years" bin...

In other news, after an entire week of checking my hotmail obsessively to see if Timbuctoo had emailed me, he did. Unfortunately, he feels exactly the same as I do and there's a 90% chance of trying to meet up on Friday. On the positive side of this whole adulterous mess is that it is nice to be blatantly honest with someone and not have them quake with terror.

On the lighter side, I attended a talk this afternoon on how difficult it is to separate cross-modal information. It was fascinating and culminated in a discussion of bacon and egg flavored icecream developed at The Fat Duck which is the 2005 "Best restaurant in the world"...nice. The icecream came up because apparently the owner of the restaurant likes to experiment with modality research on flavor and visual appearance.

word of the week #3

unfettered.

How lovely it would be to be unfettered.

up up up

well, my thumbs hurt from me biting my nails...and my blood sugars were crap all day, but overall, I had a really great day....

First, I officially signed my lease today, so I'm officially not-homeles...always nice.

Second, I finished making control files so I can finally cross that off my list. It's been there for months....control files are these files that tell a computer program what sorts of things to show...they really are "control" files...

Third, I got everything I wanted to get done today done...that happens like once a millenium...

Fourth, mr.closetprogrammer built me a program in like two hours, so I can quickly do some data analysis...in time for my grant proposal to look data-ishly stylin...

Fifth, Cosupervisor suggested I take on a Webmaster position. This is good for many reaons. One, it means he trusts my ability to time manage (i.e., doesn't think I'm too behind). Two, it means he respects my Web abilities. Three, it mean more money for easy work. And four, it means people actually think of me as a computer nerd. Hurray!

Sixth, I msn-ed with Q for like an hour. I really missed that. And it felt good to be his friend again. Sadly, his gf broke up with him...and it sucks when your friends are low. But I was happy to be there for him. It felt really good. We talked about Timbuctoo too, which was nice....cuz its clearly filling my mind and its nice to be able to talk freely to someone about it...since only three people know the whole story..not counting Timbuctoo.

Seventh, I bought a wireless mouse/presenter. I love it. I got it on sale cuz it's being discontinued cuz it inteferes with cordless phones and sometimes wireless...seems ok in my room and it's so small and slick. I love it. It's black and silver and sexy. And I can't wait to give my talk in a couple weeks and use it. Oh fun!

around midgnight

He did call. I was asleep. It was kind of a strange interaction because I felt like we were negotiating what we wanted to do and what we should do...each afraid to suggest something we both knew was the wrong thing...I hope I get to talk to him today. I wish I didn't. I'm glad he called.

Karma?

I hate this. There's all kinds of conflicts swirling around my head...

tonight...I invited Timbuctoo to watch hockey with me and some friends...in fact I may only have been interested in hockey because I knew he might come...but hard to say...anyway, he had plans to watch at home...which was good cuz I had fun with my friends...

but he said they were going downtime after the game, called me and I said I would stop by to say hi...but none of my friends were into going out so....my friend frizzyHair waited a bit at the pub until they would be at the club I was gonna meet them at...but then there was a lineup...so we took a spin through the other club they were gonna go to later...but they weren't there...so we decided to leave...and then there was what looked like no line at the first club...so I sent frizzyHair off and went to go in...but turns out there was a small lineup that I couldn't see...

I could've just given the bouncer my ID and gone in and said hi and left....but it seemed like so much trouble...and bad karma....so I just left...but walking home my mind went crazy with so much spinning through it.....

I wanted to go back and leave my ID. I wanted to go home because we shouldn't have planned to meet in the first place, even as friends. I wanted to go back because I had been waiting all night to see him. I wanted to go home because it was safer. I wanted to go back because he would be disappointed I didn't leave my ID. I wanted to go home because I really, really wanted to see him...so much confusion...so much....

This whole week has killed me...I'm falling for him because we've dropped all pretenses...because I've told him what I think is going on and judged his thoughts on his situation...and this sucks...I can't do this. I know I can't be with him. And I know that this can't end well for me. So I need to just let go. But I don't want to. He's interesting. This is interesting. And I feel happy when I'm around him. I wish the world were simpler. I wish he would phone and ask where I am so I could explain....

get what I want

so....I've decided to take apartment 1...apartment 2 would have been like living in a closet...the stove was actually a foot from the couch...not good.

so....had a chat with Timbuctoo last night...it was very, very, very weird. First, given that he didn't want anyone to be wondering what we were doing together, I went over to his place..seriously weird...it was such a little home..and he was still dressed like a teacher when I got there.

so for the first bit I had a hard time even looking at him...I felt like such a trespasser...even just asking to use the washroom. It was so weird. I kept waiting for his wifey to just randomly show up while he was out of the room. And eventually we kinda just started watching tv together until I just got to weirded out by it....it just felt too NATURAL to be sitting there watching tv with him...like I could just fit right in to his little life.

so...I guess I never realized it before, but he has no one to talk to about his relationship...and I'm willing to be that is why it has lasted so long...I can't imagine not having anyone to discuss something like that with. I really felt sorry for him. So I did the right thing and was his friend.

And I told him exactly what I thought...that he wanted to leave her but was scared about the future, about hurting her, about what his life would be after, about being alone...and I think he just needed to hear that what he's been thinking wasn't just in his own mind...I think he just wanted validation...really...

And I think it helped him....I think I'm worse off...I want him even more now...even while I was there, there was this tension between us...like we both wanted to be cuddling on that couch but resisted for the sake of what was right...and what is right is so terribly, terribly wrong...sigh.

And I didn't let him hug me goodnight. I wanted to and it killed me but...I guess I didn't want to want him any more than I already do. And I didn't want his thoughts to be clouded by guilt...or by desire for me...

But I can't stop thinking about it all...sigh.

Can't he see that he can do better? Can't he see that there are hundreds of girls who would love to be with him? Why is he with someone he doesn't have any passion for?

almost have a home

Ok, so things are coming together. I have an appointment to see one last apartment before I make a decision on the other. I have to give kudos to the guy at the first place for letting me look around a bit before I made a decision. It sure made me less stressed. I think in the end I'm going with apartment 1 because it has everything I want...well almost....the things i don't like are:

• only one year leases
• hallway needs painting
• far from school

but the things I like are:

• secure building
• has laundry
• reasonable size
• balcony
• good water pressure
• three closets

It's hard to believe that I am moving so soon!

hack hack hack

today I wanna talk about being sick....

I don't normally get sick...and I've got a pretty strong ability to work when I'm sick anyway, but yesterday I just went to bed instead of prepping to lead a discussion worth 25% of my course mark...that's extreme...I got up at 6:30 and was just barely ready....but it just wasn't my usual polish...and the other members of my class marked me down because of it.

Oh sure, part of it was me being sick, but I can hardly blame them for being annoyed that I mixed up names a bit when associated people with questions....I'd be annoyed too. Happily our instructor didn't have an issue with it and said she was "very pleased" with how the discussion went. This really made my day. This instructor, call her FashionableLady, has a rep for being sorta stiff but I'm consistently pleased with her organization, forthrightness, and appropriatenss of evaluation. I really like her...anyway, the thing I was most concerned about was that she think I did a bad job...but she didn't...phew! It kinda sucks that my grade won't be as high as it would have been if I had spent maybe another hour on the prep....but hey...I AM sick....FashionableLady ended her email to me (giving me feedback) by saying that she really didn't have anything to tell me about how to improve next time which was super nice to hear.

I guess this bad performance is an issue for another reason too...I always seem to burn out at the wrong times...like I work my tail off almost all the time but when it REALLY matters that's when I somehow have a bad day...or just can't get up early or something...I've always felt like I just COULDN'T get down to work..I hate that.

one at a time

the last couple of days have been my laziest ever with blogging. Ok, so I'm busy...and sick...but still. I used to blog to get things off my mind...and I still do that, but rather than focusing on one issue I'm listing them all. So this week we're gonna go for one reflection topic per night...or at least per post....

PS: I ate a pot of cheesy mashed potatoes mix for dinner...ridiculous.

you let me down so easily

So many issues. But right now i'm too tired to talk about me. Suffice to say that Timbuctoo and I need to chat and that we decided to chat two weeks from now....which is bad cuz it leaves me all unresolved and thinking about him...which is bad...not upsetting but bad cuz I need to have a firm implantation in my mind of his unavailability and not having a chat is ruining that...growl and grr....oh well.

Tired. Tommorrow...everything comes out in the wash tommorrow.