get what I want
so....I've decided to take apartment 1...apartment 2 would have been like living in a closet...the stove was actually a foot from the couch...not good.
so....had a chat with Timbuctoo last night...it was very, very, very weird. First, given that he didn't want anyone to be wondering what we were doing together, I went over to his place..seriously weird...it was such a little home..and he was still dressed like a teacher when I got there.
so for the first bit I had a hard time even looking at him...I felt like such a trespasser...even just asking to use the washroom. It was so weird. I kept waiting for his wifey to just randomly show up while he was out of the room. And eventually we kinda just started watching tv together until I just got to weirded out by it....it just felt too NATURAL to be sitting there watching tv with him...like I could just fit right in to his little life.
so...I guess I never realized it before, but he has no one to talk to about his relationship...and I'm willing to be that is why it has lasted so long...I can't imagine not having anyone to discuss something like that with. I really felt sorry for him. So I did the right thing and was his friend.
And I told him exactly what I thought...that he wanted to leave her but was scared about the future, about hurting her, about what his life would be after, about being alone...and I think he just needed to hear that what he's been thinking wasn't just in his own mind...I think he just wanted validation...really...
And I think it helped him....I think I'm worse off...I want him even more now...even while I was there, there was this tension between us...like we both wanted to be cuddling on that couch but resisted for the sake of what was right...and what is right is so terribly, terribly wrong...sigh.
And I didn't let him hug me goodnight. I wanted to and it killed me but...I guess I didn't want to want him any more than I already do. And I didn't want his thoughts to be clouded by guilt...or by desire for me...
But I can't stop thinking about it all...sigh.
Can't he see that he can do better? Can't he see that there are hundreds of girls who would love to be with him? Why is he with someone he doesn't have any passion for?
so....had a chat with Timbuctoo last night...it was very, very, very weird. First, given that he didn't want anyone to be wondering what we were doing together, I went over to his place..seriously weird...it was such a little home..and he was still dressed like a teacher when I got there.
so for the first bit I had a hard time even looking at him...I felt like such a trespasser...even just asking to use the washroom. It was so weird. I kept waiting for his wifey to just randomly show up while he was out of the room. And eventually we kinda just started watching tv together until I just got to weirded out by it....it just felt too NATURAL to be sitting there watching tv with him...like I could just fit right in to his little life.
so...I guess I never realized it before, but he has no one to talk to about his relationship...and I'm willing to be that is why it has lasted so long...I can't imagine not having anyone to discuss something like that with. I really felt sorry for him. So I did the right thing and was his friend.
And I told him exactly what I thought...that he wanted to leave her but was scared about the future, about hurting her, about what his life would be after, about being alone...and I think he just needed to hear that what he's been thinking wasn't just in his own mind...I think he just wanted validation...really...
And I think it helped him....I think I'm worse off...I want him even more now...even while I was there, there was this tension between us...like we both wanted to be cuddling on that couch but resisted for the sake of what was right...and what is right is so terribly, terribly wrong...sigh.
And I didn't let him hug me goodnight. I wanted to and it killed me but...I guess I didn't want to want him any more than I already do. And I didn't want his thoughts to be clouded by guilt...or by desire for me...
But I can't stop thinking about it all...sigh.
Can't he see that he can do better? Can't he see that there are hundreds of girls who would love to be with him? Why is he with someone he doesn't have any passion for?
posted by Camel at 11:59 a.m.
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