Busy Camel
It's been a busy week of laying my soul on the line for others to stamp on it...and stamping at the soul of others....here's the scoop.
1. Went out with Jesse James.....never feel quite right about that...always end up feeling ridiculously happy and smitten followed by doubt and guilt and confusion...how does he do that. He really is the ideal guy for me except for his COMPLETE AND UTTER UNEXPLAINABLE lack of libido. I really don't understand this guy. Anyway, my insatiable libido clashes with this fact and it always ends up that I feel guilty for no reason (according to my best friends).
2. Called so-called best friend of days of yore...i.e., the one I chose Jesse over....she's kinda hinted in the past that she'd like to rekindle our friendship...or at least talk once in a while, but I have never felt I could. Now, with Jesse in a square box and my life in some sort of order...and my self-respect and identity in some sort of reasonably, almost acceptable position...I thought I should make contact. I ran into her after this summer's SNAFU SNAFU (it was a double snafu, I assure you) with Jesse (unrelated to so-called) and really for the first time felt like I wanted to know how she was doing ...rather than to hear that she had done something embarrassing or something. So I got her email address but didn't email her until now. Amazing how she still elicits so much emotion. Anyway, successful contact. Tentative plans have been made for coffee.
3. Have treated my mother retardedly badly. You know how you watch some people interact with their family and it disgusts you how little respect they show? Well, that's me. I just don't respect my mother. I love her intensely but it's a fact I can't escape. And it shows in how I treat her (at home not in public, at least I hope). I am having serious trouble treating her better. I keep trying but I am so frustrated with her inability to make any changes to her life that I can hardly bear it. And all I succeed in doing is driving her self-esteem further down with my rude, unsolicited comments. AAARG!
4. Have not yet spoke to Q about getting Sesame Street's contact info. He has been completely overshadowed by Jesse. But I do like him and would like to msn with him. I am just a little shy about talking to Q about him. I know Q judges me favorably (his words) but I feel so silly (he knows Sesame Street from his frat years). Well, not so much silly as sort of naughty. In the bad way. Even though Q is likely to try and high five me on it. Grrr..
5. I have been taking way too much advantage of my best friend. She keeps saying she doesn't mind driving me all over Kingdom Come, but she must. I feel really bad too because I know that she will take me where I want to go, so that takes other people, whose impressions I am more worried about, off the hook. Like Jesse and Kitty. I don't mean to take them off the hook, I just don't want to beg them to pick me up. hrrrummph.
So, I as always, I am feeling guilty. Q says that I do all teh same things as he does but don't have any of the fun. I have all the guilt. My best friend says I have to stop being so hard on myself. Why can't I just believe them. It's funny how your inner monologue just insists that they just don't really know the whole story. When really they probably know it better than I do.
1. Went out with Jesse James.....never feel quite right about that...always end up feeling ridiculously happy and smitten followed by doubt and guilt and confusion...how does he do that. He really is the ideal guy for me except for his COMPLETE AND UTTER UNEXPLAINABLE lack of libido. I really don't understand this guy. Anyway, my insatiable libido clashes with this fact and it always ends up that I feel guilty for no reason (according to my best friends).
2. Called so-called best friend of days of yore...i.e., the one I chose Jesse over....she's kinda hinted in the past that she'd like to rekindle our friendship...or at least talk once in a while, but I have never felt I could. Now, with Jesse in a square box and my life in some sort of order...and my self-respect and identity in some sort of reasonably, almost acceptable position...I thought I should make contact. I ran into her after this summer's SNAFU SNAFU (it was a double snafu, I assure you) with Jesse (unrelated to so-called) and really for the first time felt like I wanted to know how she was doing ...rather than to hear that she had done something embarrassing or something. So I got her email address but didn't email her until now. Amazing how she still elicits so much emotion. Anyway, successful contact. Tentative plans have been made for coffee.
3. Have treated my mother retardedly badly. You know how you watch some people interact with their family and it disgusts you how little respect they show? Well, that's me. I just don't respect my mother. I love her intensely but it's a fact I can't escape. And it shows in how I treat her (at home not in public, at least I hope). I am having serious trouble treating her better. I keep trying but I am so frustrated with her inability to make any changes to her life that I can hardly bear it. And all I succeed in doing is driving her self-esteem further down with my rude, unsolicited comments. AAARG!
4. Have not yet spoke to Q about getting Sesame Street's contact info. He has been completely overshadowed by Jesse. But I do like him and would like to msn with him. I am just a little shy about talking to Q about him. I know Q judges me favorably (his words) but I feel so silly (he knows Sesame Street from his frat years). Well, not so much silly as sort of naughty. In the bad way. Even though Q is likely to try and high five me on it. Grrr..
5. I have been taking way too much advantage of my best friend. She keeps saying she doesn't mind driving me all over Kingdom Come, but she must. I feel really bad too because I know that she will take me where I want to go, so that takes other people, whose impressions I am more worried about, off the hook. Like Jesse and Kitty. I don't mean to take them off the hook, I just don't want to beg them to pick me up. hrrrummph.
So, I as always, I am feeling guilty. Q says that I do all teh same things as he does but don't have any of the fun. I have all the guilt. My best friend says I have to stop being so hard on myself. Why can't I just believe them. It's funny how your inner monologue just insists that they just don't really know the whole story. When really they probably know it better than I do.
posted by Camel at 12:11 a.m.
1 Comments:
Camel -
Just traipsed across your blog today (you've blogrolled me - thanks).
Hey, I've had the same problem with my parents in the past. My mom died when I was 13 (step mom actually). She was a wonderful, nurturing person who I took terrible advantage of and generally didn't treat as well as I did others (as you say in your blogs intro... total strangers even).
Just realize she's the closest person in the world to your SOUL. She manufactured your flesh and bones in her womb. She deserves understanding and encouragement. If you can swing that with friends and total strangers... you can do THAT much for your own mater familius (sp?)
Go get 'em! and have a great life!
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