Standing tall and moving on
Sometimes life kicks you hard. I'm broke, *~$&!~* is broke and a good friend of mine and a general pillar of humaninty just got a DUI. There's a life lesson in here somewhere that I am gonna ramble on about. I may miss the point completely so by all means correct me, but here goes.
When I screw something up really bad, like assign too many people to a post that we don't have the funding to pay for in the first place, I feel really bad. And that bad feeling stems firstly from the terror of telling, in this case, my boss that I screwed up. I drive myself nearly nuts thinking about thier reaction. I hate it. The feeling is so palpable and inescapable that you wake up with a feeling of dread. It's awful.
One of the things I hate most about the necessity of fiscal responsibility is that I need to say no to my friends, or just do cheaper things with them. And I start to worry that I am losing my status as a "fun" person. I really like that my friends think I am fun. Now that I am finished my term responsibilities, I should be breaking out, but I'm not. The thing is that when you are broke and/or exhausted, you tend to do fewer things and for less time. That's what's happening with me. I just keep going home early and not really wanting to go out dancing or whatever. And I'm really starting to feel lame, and why shouldn't my friends agree? Yet, they continue to call me and we hang out, and it's not so bad.
The fact is that money gives us confidence, a feeling of self-control. And you don't need money to be fun, but it sure makes things easier. And you have to realize and accept that you are broke and it is part of your identity and nothing to feel bad about. It's just life. Much easier said than done, for sure. That dread...
My friend Q is going throught that feeling right now. And I wish I could help him. It's one of those moments that you wish so desperately you could have back (like kissing someone who is friends with the person you are currently with). You can't get that moment back. And the best you can hope for is that the people who know you will realize that you are the same person now as before that moment. He MSNed me to tell me what happened and opened with "I am so dumb you don't need to talk to me anymore if you don't want to". It's hard to believe that he is in this situation. Not that I for a second believe he was IMPAIRED, but that he should have the bad luck of blowing over when he wasn't, after the bad luck of getting pulled over in the first place. He is berating himself for driving home, when he didn't want to in the first place, but got into a big fight over it with someone who felt Q owed him a ride home, and eventually gave in to end the argument. I hate that feeling. Going against your better judgment and then things turning out badly because of it. It sucks. Now this isn't meant to be a defense of Q, but it leads to a more general issue...standing tall and moving on...
It's hard and necessary. And we all can and do do it. Some with more grace and self-respect than others. It's not the first time a good person has done something stupid and it's not the last. It's not the first time I will spend money when I needen't and it's not the last. The point is that we can't hate ourselves for our transgressions but neither can we sluff them off. We need to realize that we make mistakes and that we can learn from them, of course. But we also need to realize that the relationships that matter are the ones that get us through these times. Even professional relationships. People just have to accept imperfection and circumstance. End of story. A pattern of behavior is unhealthy and if people don't say or do anything when self-destructive behavior becomes characterisitic, well that is also very bad. But all relationships allow some degrees of freedom.
Anyway, enough rambling. The point is, love the people you love. They need it and you need it.
When I screw something up really bad, like assign too many people to a post that we don't have the funding to pay for in the first place, I feel really bad. And that bad feeling stems firstly from the terror of telling, in this case, my boss that I screwed up. I drive myself nearly nuts thinking about thier reaction. I hate it. The feeling is so palpable and inescapable that you wake up with a feeling of dread. It's awful.
One of the things I hate most about the necessity of fiscal responsibility is that I need to say no to my friends, or just do cheaper things with them. And I start to worry that I am losing my status as a "fun" person. I really like that my friends think I am fun. Now that I am finished my term responsibilities, I should be breaking out, but I'm not. The thing is that when you are broke and/or exhausted, you tend to do fewer things and for less time. That's what's happening with me. I just keep going home early and not really wanting to go out dancing or whatever. And I'm really starting to feel lame, and why shouldn't my friends agree? Yet, they continue to call me and we hang out, and it's not so bad.
The fact is that money gives us confidence, a feeling of self-control. And you don't need money to be fun, but it sure makes things easier. And you have to realize and accept that you are broke and it is part of your identity and nothing to feel bad about. It's just life. Much easier said than done, for sure. That dread...
My friend Q is going throught that feeling right now. And I wish I could help him. It's one of those moments that you wish so desperately you could have back (like kissing someone who is friends with the person you are currently with). You can't get that moment back. And the best you can hope for is that the people who know you will realize that you are the same person now as before that moment. He MSNed me to tell me what happened and opened with "I am so dumb you don't need to talk to me anymore if you don't want to". It's hard to believe that he is in this situation. Not that I for a second believe he was IMPAIRED, but that he should have the bad luck of blowing over when he wasn't, after the bad luck of getting pulled over in the first place. He is berating himself for driving home, when he didn't want to in the first place, but got into a big fight over it with someone who felt Q owed him a ride home, and eventually gave in to end the argument. I hate that feeling. Going against your better judgment and then things turning out badly because of it. It sucks. Now this isn't meant to be a defense of Q, but it leads to a more general issue...standing tall and moving on...
It's hard and necessary. And we all can and do do it. Some with more grace and self-respect than others. It's not the first time a good person has done something stupid and it's not the last. It's not the first time I will spend money when I needen't and it's not the last. The point is that we can't hate ourselves for our transgressions but neither can we sluff them off. We need to realize that we make mistakes and that we can learn from them, of course. But we also need to realize that the relationships that matter are the ones that get us through these times. Even professional relationships. People just have to accept imperfection and circumstance. End of story. A pattern of behavior is unhealthy and if people don't say or do anything when self-destructive behavior becomes characterisitic, well that is also very bad. But all relationships allow some degrees of freedom.
Anyway, enough rambling. The point is, love the people you love. They need it and you need it.
posted by Camel at 1:47 a.m.
1 Comments:
I'll say this, and i'll say it once! WRITE A BOOK!!! You've got the talent, y not use and abuse it?! It's for free btw--so it's not really gna cost you much-unless you're thinking of the electricity bill (write on paper then!)--There, we've solved that!
Standing Tall and Moving on...easier said than done-we are human after all...we feel that it's an obligation to try to fix things up (stupid creatures we are) but hey, we're stubborn, always trying to justify our situation, always trying to make the best of ourselves; i'm not saying that's wrong, but it's hard work-and at the end of the day, if it goes wrong, then the motivation to "standing tall and moving on" is gone, finito, zip, zero, nada. But i've tried it, moving on, and it is satisfying (as u've noticed i'm not trying to be biased!) so like i was saying, satisfying, it gives a sense of power, sort of like a different kind of adrenaline. Being broke does bring out our icky side, and we tend to to nothing *sigh* but still your theory of standing tall and moving on comes in again!!
I just feel that i HAVE to comment on this--life, it kicks you, and it kicks and kicks and kicks...but sometimes it gives you a hug ("SOMETIMES" BEING THE KEY WORD HERE!!) wow, life is short when you come to think of it...so let's make the best of it! ok, weird image of everyone in the world 'holding hands' sort of popped up in my head---i don't know why! thinking out loud again! Tell me, is it a blessing, or a curse! hehehe (i think it's a blessing!)
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