Seriously

...I feel like such a terrible person today. My mom sent me a birthday card and it was really cute...very very sweet. But the thing that made me absolutely hate myself was the fact that she had sent me a $10 gift card. I mean what am I doing spending $600 on a camera when my mom can't even afford to buy me a birthday present.

I'm totally upside down on this. I mean, yes I've worked to have a better standard of living. But I'm also in debt...and I do owe my mom and her husband some money. But I don't actually have cash to pay them back with right now. And I kinda have to pay off my Visa and line of credit first...

But I think I do live beyond my means. I mean this trip is costing me a fortune. I didn't need new pajamas really. I mean I kinda did. But I probably could have got by with one set, versus three...even if they were cheap.

And not only that, it kills me to hear my mom talk about not having money...she really does live without a lot of things, while I am too lazy to save money by preparing my own meals. I feel lousy. Every time I think about my mom and how sad her life is, I want to just die....I just need to get less wrapped up in "things"...I mean for a long time I did stop buying things...but now I'm back to expensive products, DVDs, food....And I hate myself for it.

I know there are two things: I could get out of debt and be miserable while I do it or I could be in debt a bit longer and be happy with my life. I've always said the latter was better, but I feel like I need to spend less still.

Sigh. I'm not a bad person but I feel like such a louse.