See you in San Diego

So we're off tonight. I'm so anxious I could go crazy...I printed my poster and practice presented it to the lab...found a bunch of relatively minor mistackes...arg....I really hope this conference goes well..I hope I packed the right clothes and that I look good....God I packed alot of clothes.

Here goes.

Shopping therapy

It's true. I feel great. Well, I feel crappy about how much money I spent ($300!) but the feeling of liking my body again far far outweighs the guilt...

I started out wanting some new outfits for the conference which is four days long....something in style...but I went a little overboard. I went to Suzy Shier, knowing that I could get super cheap and hip stuff there...and I tried on a gazillion things (the poor attendant!) and ended up with some GREAT outfits. I got:

• A black blazer
• Black dress pants
• Black with stripes dress pants
• Oatmeal colored dress pants
• A yellow three-quarter sleeve sweater
• A green three-quarter sleeve sweater
• An aqua wrap-around sleeveless shirt
• An aqua tank top
• A lime green shirt
• Suzy Shier discount card

Total = $191...I mean that's alot but for what I got and what I saved, it's awesome...I saved $75 ($50 counting the card).. .Then I went to Transit cuz I needed some pointy shoes...obviously..

• Black pointy pumps = $41
• Hit on by a very charming and cute salesman

And on to Bentley....

• Black shoulder bag = $25
• Blue and pink change purse = $5

And finally to Claires...

• Aqua hair scarf = $15
• Black scarf = $5

You may have noticed that I didn't really need most of what's on those lists...but seriously, I feel great. I tried everything on when I got home and really liked how I looked. It was worth it...I don't need to eat. And I really need the pick me up given how burned out I am from this week..and since the Firefighter has been MIA.

Really, as long as I WEAR the dress pants other than at this conference I am satisfied. So there.

Today when

Today when Steveo called I was crawling into bed at 10pm on a Friday night.
Today when I shoulda been getting tickets to Sea World I was making lineups.
Today when I wasn't working I was wondering about the firefighter.

It's true that we are always talking about LATER and forget that it's NOW. I think about it alot, considering how busy I am...always saying I'll slow down when I don't have so much to do...and knowing I'm lying. I like being busy, I just don't like being stressed out.

And the truth about being busy is that when I am in a happy relationship, even that isn't quite so important to me. Smiley keeps talking about he doesn't think I want a relationship...and how I give off a "not-interested" vibe. Sorta concerning, but since there's been no one around to cast the charm at, it's not really an issue.

While making lineup pictures last week I was listening to the country music station. Yeesh...talk about a quick road to depression. But anyway, the lyrics for this week are:

What about now, how ’bout tonight
Baby for once let’s don’t think twice
Let’s take that spin that never ends
That we’ve been talking about
What about now, why should we wait
We can chase these dreams down the interstate
And be long gone ’fore the world moves on and makes another round
What about now

- What About Now by Lonestar

time to think

So now that I've had time to breathe, here's what's going on in this crazy little head of mine. It seems like things have cooled off with the Firefigther a bit...between me drilling into myself the fact that someday he's gonna go out on a date with someone else and like them, and him going back to work and so not having hours of time free to chat. I feel sad about it. I do really like this guy. But I also feel like I need to grow up and not always imagine that there will be a happy ending someday. It's making it hard to let go of things (Look at Jesse).

Anyway, I keep finding myself longing for the Firefighter's attention and I haven't chatted with him in two days. I sent him a text message tonight which he hasn't yet returned and I feel sad. He told me he got home at 5:30am one day last week, when I found him online as I was getting up. I keep thinking about it. Classic girl: "who was he with?" On the one hand he didn't have to tell me he'd just got home. He didn't have to come online (unless he was adding someone new to his msn....). But he hasn't told me what he was doing either...and if you are out until 5:30 then presumably you had a time worth telling.

I know it's none of my business and I only asked once after the fact, so I'm not pushing it and it's probably nothing anyway. Fact is that if it was something then it's none of my business anyway. Sigh. Silly camel. I really do need someone to crush on. I'm not sure if that's pathetic or not. I'm not even sure if this is just a crush. Curses.

where had all the introspection gone?

Wow, I've been so focused over the last week that I had barely a moment to think about blogging...And I am sad/happy that it hasn't snowed for me yet...

Anyway, I've been obsessively preparing this poster I am presenting at a conference in sunny San Diego next week. Hurray! Fun! The prep is killing me though. I'm way too much of a perfectionist...the poster looks hot tho.

In the meantime I am trying to prep that new study so that I can run it as soon as I get back. Ha!! Gonna friggin fall down for exhaustion....sooo much to do. I was utterly DREADING having to take more stimulus photos...like DREADING it because I hate having to ask random strangers for things but it worked out great! I was so worried today cuz I hadn't taken any and I only had today and tommorrow left to do it. But hat's off to Smiley's pal J-row who escorted me around the comp sci department asking grad students if I could take their pics. I owe him big-time. He has no idea. This wouldn't have been such an insurmountable task if it hadn't been 4pm during reading week. I am sooo lucky.

So that's done. Looks like a little nap and I can do the final push for the poster. I gotta make lineups and a DVD tommorrow and then smooth sailing (though I had better brush up my eyetracking skills if I don't want to make a fool of myself) right into Sea World. I so deserve this break.

Rule for a Camel #7

Drink more water...maybe you'll have more energy...and take your vitamins...that's what they're there for.

snow again

And the whole world is under white.

Speaking of Snow

So the pictures of snow are on the way, I swear....Since I don't have a digital camera and roomie is in Cuba, I have to borrow Smiley's....But believe me, there is no shortage of snow. Wow!

It is blizzarding right now....damn it...stupid cold. I can't wait to go to San Diego...now I just need to finish this poster...

Great Concert

Pop and I went to see Thornley tonight...free concert outdoors....friggin freezing...but great concert...Thornley is Ian Thornley's new band...since Big Wreck apparently broke up a while ago...

I was so impressed that the band played for two hours pretty much straight...I mean it was like -15 celsius...and these guys had no mittens...and they seemed to be having a GREAT time...they even did an encore...most fun I've had in a long time.

So this week's lyrics are from Thornley's "So far so good"... great song...And Canadian-born!

I feel a little bit left of center but then again we've all been there before
Every time I see a lost cause coming it's nothing less, nothing more
Every time I get lost in paradise I find a way to screw it up somehow
It's not the way it's supposed to be but it'll do for now

Getting along with others

So I was yakking with Pop tonight about an issue that he recently shared with me. First some background: Pop is a very agreeable, quiet guy. He is that nice guy that people are always wishing they could find and marry. He's absolutely super to pretty much everyone. Pop is doing his masters in biochemistry. Last week (while I was studying for my stats midterm) Pop called to talk...and since Pop loves the phone this wasn't surprising...what was surprising was that he wanted to do the talking...Pop is getting pushed around big time. Apparently the lab he works in includes some older Research assistants and post docs who treat him and the other MA1's like crap. They're negative and rude and demanding, unreasonably. Pop clearly doesn't like confrontation because I spent an hour trying to convince him to stand up for himself.

My thought is this: why do some people come to treat others SO poorly...especially in a lab where the point of a lab is to share and produce research. I mean they aren't gaining anything from this behavior, except maybe a pathetic sense of power. I've been really lucky, I've always worked with people who were sharing and positive. I can't even comprehend being treating so disrespectfully - which really begs the question, how can we come to treat others as lesser humans...

I recently heard a lecture that had made a great deal of sense of this issue...Bear with me. The talk was given by Yale professor, Dr. Paul Bloom, who is a fantastic lecturer. He suggested that the reason things like the holocaust can happen is that we are capable of seeing others as physical objects, rather than social objects. In fact we are both but it is effortful to conceive of things as both. Generally we conceive of others as social beings, but there are certain things that can encourage us to come to see others as physical things instead.

This is based around research on disgust. There are a few things that elicit disgust in everyone...meat, bad smells, feces...if we come to associate others with these things, it is easier for us to switch how we think about them. For example, research shows that if you put people in a badly smelling room, they will be meaner to others than if they are put in a room without any odors. In fact, we see this every day. Think about homeless people and how we tend to feel about them and behave around them. We often do not treat them like another human being and say it is because they smell bad, look bad, don't take care of themselves. In essence, we take these disgust cues as cues to their human value. This also leads to blaming the victim.

Anyway, the point is that when we associate people with negative things, whether these associations are fairly or appropriately assigned or not, the person comes to connote negativity and we start to see them less as social beings and more as physical ones. And this shift allows us to modify our behavior to treat people in less respectfull ways.

That's probably a really poor representation of Dr. Bloom's work, but it's fascinating to say the least...I haven't read it, but I bet his book on this topic, Descartes Baby, is great. And I think Pop is gonna talk to his prof...

Free from stats

Ah...the sweet sweet smell of freedom....oh wait...that's snow....holy snow Batman! I came out of proctoring today and there was no ground...just flakes. Pretty but wet...

Exam went ok...thought I got the hard question right...apparently i still messed it up. DAMN....got the right process which was the hard part...DAMN! (I think I am doubly annoyed with myself cuz roomie definitely got it right). Oh well, done and done.

Yay! My goal for today is to relax and then work my keister off on my results section tommorrow morning. HooWaa..

I declare today to be the Day of Random Noises...SplekreL. Also, the first preview for Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is out!!!!

Uh-oh

Not a week after my father booked our tickets to Lebanon this summer, the country appears to be in the kind of upheaval that will give my mother a breakdown. And I'm no wimp, but I am completely unprepared to live in anything resembling a war zone...living in Canada all my life has certainly left me naive.

I've read more than a few posts about recent terrorism in Kuwait and wondered how it would feel for me to be a few blocks away. Would I be terrified? Would I be calm and rationale? Or would I panic and run in circles?

I suspect the latter, but my old Sergeant used to assure me when I had similar thoughts about reacting to physical violence on the job...."the training will kick in when it needs to. Don't worry." I could never 100% believe him cuz his sentiment was never tested. Now, I wonder....what would my natural human response be an event like a car bomb killing 14 people within walking driving distance of my home? Of course I would be horrified...but after that, what? My psychology and counselling training really only extend as far as recognition of conditions leading to and symptoms of severe distress....I just don't know.

Rule for a Camel #6

If you want to be productive don't spend your time biting your nails and then worrying about biting your nails.

let's be honest...it's Valentine's Day

This blog is supposed to be about saying those things that I'm not comfortable admiting to my friends...so here are some:

I was too tired to feel happy or sad today...but at 11:38 I am sad that the Firefighter might not wish me Happy VD and that he may be out enjoying it with some other girl. I did wonder all day if he would do anything special for me. I admit it. Silly, I know.

Jesse messaged me today to say he was in Montreal this weekend. I am disappointed but relieved that he didn't invite me and that he's not coming in the future. I have decided I may need to let go of Jesse (yet again, I know). Somehow, these past few days have also lessened my feeling for the Firefighter..perhaps it's reality kicking in.

I still feel guilty about the houseboating trip.

I get annoyed with roomie a lot. And then imagine conversations that make me angry and stressed. Bad idea. Things are going well with roomie. Though I am still feeling left out that I haven't been invited out to hang with her other psych friends...more and more of our mutual acquaintances seem to be at these parties...

I feel fat. I have set my screensaver to show My Pictures and I am disappointed in most of them. Despite knowing intellectually that my weight is ok...I still feel pigish...most likely I am feeling the effects of a long winter...but it sure would be nice to be able to afford to take Tae Kwon Do again...

I have spent way too much money recently. I have not been eating leftovers asap which is leading me to throw away food. Bad girl.

I want to go to sleep but I am hoping to chat with the Firefighter tonight...so instead I will study for my midterm on Thursday. Go matrix algebra...superstar. I may have done really well in my Self class.

Music in the air

Or at least my head...

So in honour of Valentine's Day and the fact that I should be sleeping...some [more] words for some boys...

Firefigher: "But whatever the reason you do it for me." (What's Love Got to do With It by Tina Turner)

Jesse: "I would do anything to let her{him} know.There just no way my heart can, let her{him} go." (Standing on the Edge by John Berry)

Point of fact: each of these two rather fine specimens text messaged me within seconds of each other (pre-Valentine's Day). And sent my heart a'spinning. Jesse wanted to know if I'd ever been to Montreal....uhoh...did I jinx myself by mentioning this conundrum to Smiley?

not ALWAYS in conflict

I often get tired of hearing myself complain. Or at least whine. I mean, I do it alot. Smiley doesn't seem to mind, but I feel like I am a broken record.....right now I am complaining about complaining...wow.

Anyway, I thought that today, on the eve of yet another boyfriendless-Valentine's Day, I would be positive and positive only. What an idea.

Today wasn't bad...I had breakfast with roomie and her ex and his roomie. It was fun, I think mostly because I am attracted to her ex, but that is a whole other ball of wax that will be avoided. That said, let's call him Photo. Photo has great hair and a wonderful attitude. I quite enjoy his company...or maybe I just love new male attentin...whatever.

People are convinced that there is a relationship happening between the Fireman and I. I am being a good camel and not entertaining the suggestion. However, I have spent an inordinate amount of time looking at his picture today AND wondering if he maybe sent me a Valentine's Day gift....It's Purple Hair's fault...she put the idea in my head. But I'm not expecting anything.

Anyway, it was a beautiful sunny day. I did a reasonable amount of work. I am not going to have a breakdown this week. Cheers.

more about boys

I know, it's all I talk about, but I gotta be me...it's top of my thoughts too.

Today Smiley and I went to a Valentine's Day party featuring a swing band. It was totally fun...I was interminably embarrassed though. We were by far the best dancers there, though everyone there besides us was over 60...But I was soooo self conscious because I am not yet comfortable with my ability to swing dance..and Smiley is SO good. So the first hour or so I spent blushing uncomfortably and hoping I didn't look dumb. Two beers later, things were better and I started to come into my own..anyway, I ended up having fun. And at least half the people there took the time to tell us we looked great. So that was nice.

But about boys. Smiley had to endure my musings about the Firefighter who I computer-phone chatted with for like two hours today...roomie and Smiley both said that this is getting serious. Smiley also mused that he didnt' think I wanted a boyfriend and that my infatuation with the Firefighter stems from his status as a "safe" target of my affection. He's probably right. But that doesn't change the fact that I really like him. Especially since I have been thinking about NOT dating other guys cuz I don't want end my "relationship" with the Firefighter. Sigh.

So the question is, do I start trying to meet guys or just let things be. I mean, I'm happy, if deluded. Yeesh.

so about Jesse

So I know I've been talking about the Firefighter a lot, but I am just gonna stop and take stock of my feelings right now. I say this because I was at this TA workshop a couple of days ago and there was this guy there that I was attracted to, but I found myself wondering whether it was worth pursuing because it might mean the end of my pseudo-romance with the Firefighter. Now that IS concerning isn't it? I mean the Firefighter is great but a girl's gotta be realistic.

I also think a lot about the Firefighter in the context of Jesse. Of the two, Jesse is the one I could see spontaneously flying out to see me (tho still highly unlikely). But if he did that, what would I do? Well, the consensus in my mind is that I would tell the Firefighter about Jesse coming (he knows about him already) but I wouldn't tell Jesse about the Firefighter (he wouldn't want to know). And I am not sure which relationship I'd be willing to sacrifice.

But I am starting to think that I really need to let go of Jesse. I just don't want to. I want him around whenever no one else will distract me. Anyway, here's some lyrics for Jesse.

You've got ways
To take hold of my thoughts
Over-riding my senses
Lock your sights
Dead in line with your heart
Share your powers
You stir my soul
And whet my hunger
And weave that spell
That pulls me under

...Moonlight Desires by Lawrence Gowan

Song of the week...finally

I'm gonna go with...

Trying to catch your heart
Is like trying to catch a star
But I can't love you this much baby
And love you from this far

Waiting for a star to fall
And carry your heart into my arms
That's where you belong
In my arms baby, yeah

...Waiting for a Star to Fall by Boy Meets Girl

Song of the week please...

So today I discovered that I had backed up most of the music files on my computer on CD-RWs. This is fortuitous because my mp3 player plays CD-RWs.....and so suddenly I have three nice long mix CD's...good thing too cuz I just finished listening to Barney's Version (terribly disappointing, get to that) and need something up beat. Today I listened to my "retro" files...awesome...stared with a little Susan Vega, Chris Deburgh, Belinda Carlisle...dated bute great.

So Barney's Version....INCREDIBLE book by Mordecai Richler...about a cranky rich guy who probably has Korsakoff's and decides to write his memoirs. It's fantastic, seriously...I hate drama but this is really good. Anyway, as so often happens with books on CD, the "performance" neglects certain sections of the book...now the performance here is good..really it is...except having read the book, I was sadly disappointed...I mean they don't even provide the END of the story...the whole book centers around Barney's acquital for the murder of his best friend...which is explained only at the end of the book and not at all on the CD. I mean, really.

Anyway, the point of this post was supposed to be that I had a tough time picking from many worthy candidates for the song of the week.

going going gone

So I'm seeing a pattern in my life. When I buy things that I don't feel I NEED (like really really can't live without) or when I don't buy the things I do need at the cheapest or best deal, I feel guilty.

One the one hand, that's perfectly ok. I should definitely not be spending money I don't have (I spent $70 on my VISA today - bad bad camel). But on the other hand, depriving myself of the things that make me happy is not a great idea either.....what I really need is to learn to reward myself. To buy things not impulsively, but because I did something that deserves a reward, like finish some project. I've always had trouble doing that.

Anyway, despite the guilt. I am thrilled with today's purchases...including a wonderful oil burner and some wonderful wonderful Oceanus oil....I love the Body Shop. I also saw some truly excellent smelling massage oil (coconut goodness) but I showed at least that much restraint. Though I was feeling highly sorry that the Firefighter is all the way across the country....

I bought meat for the first the first time in forever...I mean real meat, not sausage or anything processed like that. I bought chicken breasts...which I never eat...I don't understand how people love chicken so much...it's tasteless and dry...even when you barely cook it past safe to eat. Anyway, drenched in sauce it's not bad...I found butter chicken sauce so I made butter chicken with basmati rice. YUM!

Another today in the life of a camel

1. My interactions with my mother are weird. It's like she's the child and I'm the adult.
2. I spent too much money this week. Way too much. I MUST not eat out again.
3. I keep playing out negative scenarios with my roommate in my head. It's driving me nuts. I think at some point I should learn to avoid conflict less.
4. I feel fat. Ick.

What a complainer, eh?

sweet, sweet internet freedom

Oh it's so good to have my computer back. So very very good. Finally, I can surf and blog at will. Hurray.

I was a bad girl today. I bought TWO Web design books. Definitely spent money I don't have. But I love my books.



My new and wonderful Starbucks Make-Your-Own travel mug

A weekend of reflections

A few notables from the weekend of migraines:

www.statcounter.com rocks. Check it out. Free INVISIBLE counter...great stats.

The Superbowl was quite close this year, wish I'd had time to pick a team to root for....oh well, the beer and icecream made it a very enjoyable evening.

The firefighter is showing surprising longevity. The MSN date prevails. And text messages fly....

It LIVES!

What a harrowing weekend....so just as I was about to post my last post on my new beloved travel mug, my computer decided to commit suicide. It wasn't opening browsers properly so I restarted it...except it wouldn't finish restarting...it just sat depressingly at the two-tone blue screen with the little XP logo...taunting me....daring me to try pushing restart again....

Not having backed up since late October, my heart nearly stopped...but that was the easy part...next came the phone calls to BestBuy to find out whether I could take the computer in to Future Shop since we don't have a BestBuy here (I'm under the service warranty right now)...first answer? "No, mail it to Ottawa"...ya right. Second answer..."Yes, I'm incompetent"

Stage 2 involved calls regarding the restore disks just in case I had to reformat and reinstall....Future Shop informed me that BestBuy ERRONEOUSLY told me that my computer required only a push of F10...and that MY model required disks that I should have recieved...Stage 2 included a raging migraine lasting many hours as I called HP, then BestBuy, then HP....HP's customer service ranks up there with prison food..stinks. They refused to send me the disk unless I paid for them and told me "It wasn't our fault they didn't give you the disk. Too bad." in a few more words...BestBuy and Future Shop wouldn't order the disk cuz they didn't sell the computer...so I called the store I bought it from.....ACROSS THE COUNTRY....and they said they'd look into it...Bottom line? They're gonna say I bought it as is because I bought the floor model since they didn't have any in stock. Unfortunately, the fact that their incompetent sales team essentially lied to me will most likely make no never mind.

LUCKILY, my computer has the XP product key pasted to it so at worst, at least I can call Microsoft and have the mail me the disk. I have had too many headaches to count over this weekend.

Stage 3. Unwilling to spend $80 to have Future Shop back up my hard drive, I was obliged to wait until this morning so my department's tech could do it. CComp is a good man. He's got this neat little device that turns your harddrive into a flash drive....first try, didn't work....AACK! Second try...green light. HURRAY!!!! My baby is currently being backed up....thank God. I am unwilling to think about the consequences of having lost all the work I had done since October 27th. It's too painful.

So, crisis avoided. I nearly went insane from a combo of no email, no msn, no blog and no word processor to do my homework on, but I survived. The moral?

• HP sucks.
• BestBuy/Future Shop....not bad.
• Backing up weekly....Priceless.

And yes, I know that sounded like a bad Mastercard ad.

been a bad girl

So, despite the still dire arrangement of my finances, getting paid is causing all sorts of digressions. I think I have ate out three times in the last week. Gasp! I worked for 13 hours yesterday so, ok, I deserved it, but my original plan of going to yummy yummy cheap Mekong ($5.00 for a great big yummy bowl of soup) fell through when Pop and I arrived 10 minutes after close....alternative? Sushi....damage? $18. Oops.

And then this morning, in a fit of irresponsibility I purchased a Starbucks travel mug so that I could take coffee to school with me since I no longer seem able to find time to drink it before I leave and get to class on time. The damage? $14.95...I mean, it's awesome...I needed one, but I could've gone for the cheap, ugly Walmart special..really. Instead I have a beautiful "make your own" travel mug now filled with this absolutely beautiful card picturing a pink lilly.

found some driftwood

no longer drowing in email....and I had a very productive evening...though I have now officially been at school for 12 hours...

doggy paddling

I am drowning in email. Help.

Holding my head up

I'm noticing that this unsocialable feeling I've been having is a direct result of roomie being very social. In class, when I hear talking animatedly to our classmates I wonder why I'm not doing the same. Or when she excitedly says hello to one of our classmates on the street.

Now I think I understand why I am feeling so negative about this. I would certainly say hello to people, but when roomie is around, I tend to let her be the energetic one. When I am alone, I certainly am animated with people...and as for in class, well, the truth is that I am usually busy being distracted by how much I would rather be doing other things.

So my goal is to not let it get to me so much that I don't feel socialable. I mean it's not as if people are walking around saying they don't like that camel. Really camel, relax.

In other news, Smiley finally got Season 2 of 24 to watch so we watched the first 4 hours yesterday...only 18 hours until Season 3!

Ridiculous Fact#8

I bought $15 worth of cheese yesterday. Yum.

falling asleep at my desk

I insist that today be a highly productive day. I'm tired, I'm feeling uninterested in what I have to work on (my conference paper), and I am cold. Not such a great combination. Which got me thinking...how many people are falling asleep at their desks right this minute? Probably hundreds or thousands. And for that matter, how many people are mindlesslly surfing the internet or checking thier email? Do offices really breed unproductivity? What would the human race look like if we were able to concentrate better?