lost again
sigh. Weak. Projecting. Inhibited.
Timbuctoo came over today to set me up with an excercise program, which was really great of him. He brought me an excercise ball which I have to say I think rocks. But the whole experience left me feeling really out of sorts...as every encounter does, I suppose.
I suppose part of it is that I allow him to see and talk about my faults, not that he puts me down, I've just always been honest with him and make a point of listening when he's right. But of course, it's hard to hear peoiple when they're right.
It's also the sort of awkwardness of not knowing how to behave. I don't know how he feels about me. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't even know what I'm thinking. I just know that I have to not jump him, I guess. So that's hard. Hard wanting to touch someone and knowing you can't, shouldn't, and won't.
And I guess the hardest part is knowing that he is still with his gf and that nothing will probably change. I feel it. I know it. And it sucks. And I've never expected anything else. It's just hard not to be pathetic about it. I guess I'm probably overreacting, I guess he did seem to want to touch me....certainly he made movements to playfight or to touch me and then stopped. But of course it doesn't matter.
As he left he told me he'd probably call me at 2am on Friday night (he's got plans to get plastered and show the youngins how it's done, apparentlY). He said it half joking but I guess that the reason he said it could only be to tell me he's still thinking about me. But does that even matter?
And it's hard fighting through my feeling of self-consciousness about excercising. Probably anyone else I wouldn't have been able to do it. But he was good. He takes it so seriously and tells me that I'm crazy for thinking like I do. It helps.
I just wish I didn't feel so broken now that he's gone. I mean I felt sorta tortured while he was here, but now I just feel lost and vulnerable and weak. Sigh. I need to have a crush on someone else to help me get past this.
Timbuctoo came over today to set me up with an excercise program, which was really great of him. He brought me an excercise ball which I have to say I think rocks. But the whole experience left me feeling really out of sorts...as every encounter does, I suppose.
I suppose part of it is that I allow him to see and talk about my faults, not that he puts me down, I've just always been honest with him and make a point of listening when he's right. But of course, it's hard to hear peoiple when they're right.
It's also the sort of awkwardness of not knowing how to behave. I don't know how he feels about me. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't even know what I'm thinking. I just know that I have to not jump him, I guess. So that's hard. Hard wanting to touch someone and knowing you can't, shouldn't, and won't.
And I guess the hardest part is knowing that he is still with his gf and that nothing will probably change. I feel it. I know it. And it sucks. And I've never expected anything else. It's just hard not to be pathetic about it. I guess I'm probably overreacting, I guess he did seem to want to touch me....certainly he made movements to playfight or to touch me and then stopped. But of course it doesn't matter.
As he left he told me he'd probably call me at 2am on Friday night (he's got plans to get plastered and show the youngins how it's done, apparentlY). He said it half joking but I guess that the reason he said it could only be to tell me he's still thinking about me. But does that even matter?
And it's hard fighting through my feeling of self-consciousness about excercising. Probably anyone else I wouldn't have been able to do it. But he was good. He takes it so seriously and tells me that I'm crazy for thinking like I do. It helps.
I just wish I didn't feel so broken now that he's gone. I mean I felt sorta tortured while he was here, but now I just feel lost and vulnerable and weak. Sigh. I need to have a crush on someone else to help me get past this.
posted by Camel at 5:02 p.m.
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