and I'm a bad boy for breaking her heart....

I guess Timbuctoo was mad at me yesterday. Can't say I blame him, I did say he was a lousy manager. I didn't mean it...I was annoyed by the fact that he and his pal seemed to think that a competitive ball team could be managed with the players just playing where they wanted. Which is crap. But then, I was talking about a competitive team in a competitive league whereas it appears we are a competitive team in a semi-competitive league.

I was frustrated with him too. I emailed him this morning to sorta talk it out but there are some things I'd rather say in person. So it makes me so much the more frustrated that I am in this relationship but I can't even properly communicate my so-called partner. Clearly that's an exaggerration since it's not technically a relationship....has few of the benefits other than the messing around....

Sigh. Now I just sound bitter. But the truth is that I am starting to get frustrated. I think part of it is that I feel kinda used because the thing that seems to keep him at my house is fooling around. I realize that's only partially true...I mean it distracts him from thinking about the fact that he shouldn't be there but it still kinda hurts. And as a result, I've really lost interest in fooling around with him.

I've been thinking about what he said about the chemistry of love, how the good feeling that goes with love is from a chemical that bonds couples but dissapates after a year and a half or two years. Which kinda makes me wonder if he's just waiting around to see what happens after a year and a half....which seems ridiculously unfair to me....I know he wants to make the right decision and intellectually that's a good way to check but it's sure unfair to me. But its just a theory.

On the one hand I feel bad for pushing him to decide but on the other I feel frustrated and alone. And I just don't know what to do. Even if he does decide...to stay with his gf...what then? Do I keep playing ball with him twice a week? Everything is just so ruddy complicated. I want to break things off....just say I can't do it anymore, I just feel too much like a second fiddle....but I just don't know what would make me happy if I did that. I'd be even more miserable because it would be over and then I would also have to deal with an even lower level of positive things in my life.

This just sucks.

here and now

I feel like I'm dog paddling....not well, but my head is above water. My life seems desperately out of my control but every day at least one thing reminds me that I like living. I feel weird...am I depressed? Or just going through a rough patch of life?

I talked to my mom today and she broke down talking about how it was her anniversary and her husband was out mowing the lawn. I feel terrible. I did not even remember that it was their anniversary. I love my mom so much I just want to cry. She is frustrated in many the same ways I am: dissatisfied but too scared to move on, trapped in her situation by money and confidence.

Sometimes I think about how I can't relate to people who don't go to school. They're happy, they make money....but I can't fathom it. I can't fathom the world as a place with opportunities sometimes....where you don't have to be the most qualified or have the most money to get what you want.

how the world really works

The longer this SNAFU with Timbuctoo goes on, and the more disillusioned I become with the status of my life, the more I am feeling like the world really is better in the movies. Clearly the movies portray a shallow view of life...ignoring the complexities....but it seems to me as though the complexities of the real world are at the cost of something. I'm not sure what. I won't say real happiness because real happiness is clearly attainable but it seems like in real life there is a whole lot less of something.

I don't know. I guess lately I have been feeling completely unfulfilled. I'm not enjoying school becuase I feel angry about my funding and my lack of publications. My love life is completely unethical and only partially satisfying because it's only partially real. I continue to do a crappy job of managing my debt and my diabetes seems to be having some issues. I know I'm being overly dramatic but every day I just feel frustrated and angry. Bitter that I am so poor and that things are just not going my way. And so every little thing seems magnified.

I feel like I need to vent but I don't know what about. I want to talk to Timbuctoo but there either isn't time or I don't do it. I want to finish my thesis but I feel like I'm dragging my heels. I have other tasks and I they are on hold. I am just not enjoying my life and I hate it. I feel like I need to change something but I don't know what.

Should I quit grad school? Should I quit interacting with Timbuctoo? What? I feel so desperate.

i just don't know

So this whole Timbuctoo thing has to come to a head at some point. I just don't know what to do or think anymore. Last night he came over after the bar. We were out watching the hockey game at the pub but with different groups and then later went dancing with my friends.

It seems like something is getting routine....the getting together and being happy to be together, then messing around, and then us discussing our feelings. In the sense that he asked if I knew how he feels about me or if I believe him and I say I get it but I can't really believe it while he's still with his gf. I remember him saying he's "deciding" but I don't know how to feel about that.

I feel like he leaves our encounters with a bad feeling, though we discussed it before and he said he doesn't. But still, at least this time, I feel worried....like my always being upset about this will make him want to be with me less. But it's absurd, because I have every right to be. Though I should be just cutting him off, really.

Anyway, I guess part of the issue is that he's going away for a few days....probably camping with his gf. I'm sure it is something like that cuz he didn't say what he was doing. Which also makes me scared because last night was so...I dunno, worrisome...and I guess I just feel like the jury is out. So I can't talk with him about last night, and he may come back with a decision.

Am i doing the right thing? I don't know anymore. I'm terrified. We've discussed lately what happens with "love" chemically and I now have some insight into why he is so on the fence, but that just makes me feel less attractive an option. Bah.

I wish I could talk to him. I wish that we hadn't messed around last night at all. I wish that when we weren't messing around that he hadn't kept saying "I have to go".....I do believe he loves me but I don't believe that he is in love with me enough to be with me. And not only is that sad, but makes me feel like what I've been looking for in a mate is immature and futile. Bah.

soccer

I love soccer. I'm learning. It's a challenge. I am massively out of shape compared to everyone and the conditioning is killing me, but I absolutely love it.

seizure

What the hell?????

So I was in Starbucks today and admittedly I may have waited a little long to eat breakfast, and I had been drinking the night before which drives down my sugars, and maybe I ordered something that would take a long time to get into my system....but seriously what HAPPENED?

So I remember eating my bagel and feeling foggy and then I started sort of jerking my head....like other times when my legs do this...but it was my whole upper body. And then I remember someone asking me if I was okay....and I have no idea what I said. And the next thing I remember I was sitting and eating my bagel again....

I ASSUME that it just took time for the sugar to get in and I slowly came back as that happened but it was scary after the fact. Very scary. I don't remember.....

And then today at soccer practice....in the last ten minutes, we were working on "the wall" and I started not being able to see properly...I couldn't focus and then I started seeing double eventually....again...scary. I just don't know what the heck is going on. Clearly I need to see a doctor.

there is no message

Well, I yammered on about feeling bad and how supervisor1 made me feel lame today but then blogger decided to time out and throw away my whole blog and I don't feel like reliving it. It's just the way it is.

a good word with Junior

I also forgot to mention that Junior and I went out Friday for complementary oysters at the pub and had a fantastic time. I didn't feel like he was hitting on me. I felt we were friends. When a couple that is friends of our came to have dinner with us I didn't feel pressured to be his gf (like with Spun) and that was great. He's coming over to watch the hockey game and have Chinese food tonight and I'm looking forward to it. I hope things continue this way.

more than words

So I don't really feel confused so much anymore. I've moved on to feeling exasperated. Timbuctoo and I talked a while ago and discussed how we just need to accept that we do hook up. It was sort of a frustrating thing to accept but it was true. And it was the right thing to do. While it has made us behave much more guiltily, it has been good for our relationship. It's allowed us to become more honest with each other and to spend our time together not just screwing around. It's weird. We may as well BE bf/gf because when we're together that's how we act. When we're with our ball team, when we're with my friends...really, it feels that way...without the words.

And speaking of words, last night me and Junior and the hostess came back to my place to drink rather than staying out at the pub. Timbuctoo mentioned he might be going out and I told him we had plans. A while after we got to my place he called from the pub to see where we were at. I invited him and his pal over but he showed up alone quite a bit later in the night. Anyway, to the point. Eventually I crawled into bed cuz I was sleepy and everyone sorta joined me. Not in the dirty way folks, in the fun pals kinda way. I was on top of my blankets and Timbuctoo unsurprisingly followed...then the hostess, then Junior...it was funny. Anyway, Timbuctoo at some point started whispering in my ear "I love you, I love you, I love you." He was completely hammered and may or may not remember, but it was certainly worth noting. He said it again just before he left at 5am.

I didn't say I loved him back. I do. But I thought it best if I follow best friend's lead and let him get comfortable saying it drunk and when he gets around to saying it sober, then capitulate. Assuming this whole mess continues.

Today he told his gf he was going to ball practice but instead we both played hookie and watched a movie at my house. The cuddling was fantastic. I think we are both addicted to cuddling with each other. I can't even put into words how utterly fantastic it feels just to lay on top of him or to feel his arms around my shoulders. I feel so unbelievably happy when we're together.

And it also makes me feel good that I don't need to spend every second with him when my friends are around. I was happy to not feel neglected as he flirted with the hostess.

I want to tell him that I am not going to screw around with him anymore until he breaks up with his gf. It seems like I could do it now becuase I crave his company and not the action. I guess this is what it feels like to NOT be sexually frustrated. How nice.

Anyway, I keep thinking it but I haven't done it yet. But the truth is that he needs to break up with his gf. For her sake and ours. Sigh. This isn' t going to get easier. The truth is that I will believe he loves me then and not before. He may love me but right now he doesn't love me enough to do what it takes to be with me and that's important.

back in black

Well, I'm finished grading, thankfully. I can get back to writing my thesis and pushing for publications. I'm feeling a little excited about writing actually. Maybe because I can sit and think about something I'm interested in and that will be fun.

The world is confusing and frustrating and lately I want no part of it.

I was thinking about being an expert today. The thing about expertise is that it's not related to talent its related to practice and motivation. Ten years it takes...hard effort. And I was thinking about the cliche, "Jack of all trades, Master of none" and thinking that is how I feel. I hae lots of interests. Lots of people think I'm talented but I never feel it. Part of the problem is that my expectations are so extraordinarily high....part is that I'm sure I'm trying to fill the whole of not having a functional family unit. But regardless of the reason, it made me think about how much it sucks for poor people.

For example, to become an Olympic athlete requires being an expert in your area. And being an expert in a sport certainly requires equipment and club fees. And that just sucks. Because that means that if you're not upper middle class you don't have a shot. Now on the one hand, whatever, because there's no such thing as talent (apparently) but on the other, I feel like its unfair that poor people don't get to be Olympians, by and large. But then, the whole of being poor isn't fair so I guess this ought to be the least of one's worries.

Still hating the world, still feeling sorry for myself. Glad to have time and energy to blog again.