more than words
So I don't really feel confused so much anymore. I've moved on to feeling exasperated. Timbuctoo and I talked a while ago and discussed how we just need to accept that we do hook up. It was sort of a frustrating thing to accept but it was true. And it was the right thing to do. While it has made us behave much more guiltily, it has been good for our relationship. It's allowed us to become more honest with each other and to spend our time together not just screwing around. It's weird. We may as well BE bf/gf because when we're together that's how we act. When we're with our ball team, when we're with my friends...really, it feels that way...without the words.
And speaking of words, last night me and Junior and the hostess came back to my place to drink rather than staying out at the pub. Timbuctoo mentioned he might be going out and I told him we had plans. A while after we got to my place he called from the pub to see where we were at. I invited him and his pal over but he showed up alone quite a bit later in the night. Anyway, to the point. Eventually I crawled into bed cuz I was sleepy and everyone sorta joined me. Not in the dirty way folks, in the fun pals kinda way. I was on top of my blankets and Timbuctoo unsurprisingly followed...then the hostess, then Junior...it was funny. Anyway, Timbuctoo at some point started whispering in my ear "I love you, I love you, I love you." He was completely hammered and may or may not remember, but it was certainly worth noting. He said it again just before he left at 5am.
I didn't say I loved him back. I do. But I thought it best if I follow best friend's lead and let him get comfortable saying it drunk and when he gets around to saying it sober, then capitulate. Assuming this whole mess continues.
Today he told his gf he was going to ball practice but instead we both played hookie and watched a movie at my house. The cuddling was fantastic. I think we are both addicted to cuddling with each other. I can't even put into words how utterly fantastic it feels just to lay on top of him or to feel his arms around my shoulders. I feel so unbelievably happy when we're together.
And it also makes me feel good that I don't need to spend every second with him when my friends are around. I was happy to not feel neglected as he flirted with the hostess.
I want to tell him that I am not going to screw around with him anymore until he breaks up with his gf. It seems like I could do it now becuase I crave his company and not the action. I guess this is what it feels like to NOT be sexually frustrated. How nice.
Anyway, I keep thinking it but I haven't done it yet. But the truth is that he needs to break up with his gf. For her sake and ours. Sigh. This isn' t going to get easier. The truth is that I will believe he loves me then and not before. He may love me but right now he doesn't love me enough to do what it takes to be with me and that's important.
And speaking of words, last night me and Junior and the hostess came back to my place to drink rather than staying out at the pub. Timbuctoo mentioned he might be going out and I told him we had plans. A while after we got to my place he called from the pub to see where we were at. I invited him and his pal over but he showed up alone quite a bit later in the night. Anyway, to the point. Eventually I crawled into bed cuz I was sleepy and everyone sorta joined me. Not in the dirty way folks, in the fun pals kinda way. I was on top of my blankets and Timbuctoo unsurprisingly followed...then the hostess, then Junior...it was funny. Anyway, Timbuctoo at some point started whispering in my ear "I love you, I love you, I love you." He was completely hammered and may or may not remember, but it was certainly worth noting. He said it again just before he left at 5am.
I didn't say I loved him back. I do. But I thought it best if I follow best friend's lead and let him get comfortable saying it drunk and when he gets around to saying it sober, then capitulate. Assuming this whole mess continues.
Today he told his gf he was going to ball practice but instead we both played hookie and watched a movie at my house. The cuddling was fantastic. I think we are both addicted to cuddling with each other. I can't even put into words how utterly fantastic it feels just to lay on top of him or to feel his arms around my shoulders. I feel so unbelievably happy when we're together.
And it also makes me feel good that I don't need to spend every second with him when my friends are around. I was happy to not feel neglected as he flirted with the hostess.
I want to tell him that I am not going to screw around with him anymore until he breaks up with his gf. It seems like I could do it now becuase I crave his company and not the action. I guess this is what it feels like to NOT be sexually frustrated. How nice.
Anyway, I keep thinking it but I haven't done it yet. But the truth is that he needs to break up with his gf. For her sake and ours. Sigh. This isn' t going to get easier. The truth is that I will believe he loves me then and not before. He may love me but right now he doesn't love me enough to do what it takes to be with me and that's important.
posted by Camel at 6:13 p.m.
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