Sunday, May 21, 2006

how the world really works

The longer this SNAFU with Timbuctoo goes on, and the more disillusioned I become with the status of my life, the more I am feeling like the world really is better in the movies. Clearly the movies portray a shallow view of life...ignoring the complexities....but it seems to me as though the complexities of the real world are at the cost of something. I'm not sure what. I won't say real happiness because real happiness is clearly attainable but it seems like in real life there is a whole lot less of something.

I don't know. I guess lately I have been feeling completely unfulfilled. I'm not enjoying school becuase I feel angry about my funding and my lack of publications. My love life is completely unethical and only partially satisfying because it's only partially real. I continue to do a crappy job of managing my debt and my diabetes seems to be having some issues. I know I'm being overly dramatic but every day I just feel frustrated and angry. Bitter that I am so poor and that things are just not going my way. And so every little thing seems magnified.

I feel like I need to vent but I don't know what about. I want to talk to Timbuctoo but there either isn't time or I don't do it. I want to finish my thesis but I feel like I'm dragging my heels. I have other tasks and I they are on hold. I am just not enjoying my life and I hate it. I feel like I need to change something but I don't know what.

Should I quit grad school? Should I quit interacting with Timbuctoo? What? I feel so desperate.

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