Poison

What a week! The poster is done, in the nick of time, quite literally. With 9 minor errors...pretty good considering I didn't see a final proof. And all minor. The poster is actually VERY saucy with my background image actually being a different colored version of my profile picture. Yellow, purple, orange and navy. It's so hot. Hope the stuffy academics don't huff at it.

And I nearly stayed up all night marking exams. Started Monday night and finished Tuesday morning. Insanity. Luckily there were only 30 rather than the usual 60 cuz I'd have been screwed. Literally, just not enough minutes in a day. But it's done. Yay me. I seriously hope there aren't too many exams that I mismarked due to inability to focus...I think I did ok, especially considering I only got 4 hours sleep last night and worked 12 hours a day every day for a week and a half at least. FEW!!!!

I got the cutest couple of emails from Timbuctoo over the last few days, too, which certianly helps the spirits. I know it shouldn't but sue me. It's nice to see what an amazing rapport we have...literally feel the same feelings and doubts...I keep reading his emails and then wondering if he's just toying with me for amusement, but I just can't believe it. He's too much like me. We just fit too damn good. Anyway, roughly 3 weeks running without seeing him, which is good and bad. I miss him...stupid girl (me). Anyway, let the record show that he stands as a human being I didn't think existed. One who not only felt the same way about the interactions of girls and boys but felt something for me and could and does express himself like I do...it's just so unexpected and delightful, even if it is going nowhere.

I heard this song today and it made me think of him....I'm such a dork.

So I just have to go pack and shower. We're leaving at 8am, 119 minutes from now. Florida here I come!

Miss you all and hope to find a few minutes to read your blogs while I'm away!

the pretty problem

So I have a slight problem. Whenever I get to the point in creating a poster where I design it and mock it up, I have trouble focusing on the content. So I needed to send off a proof today so I mocked it up and now rather than concentrating hard on doing the content, Ikeep making it prettier. Sigh.

Maybe I just need a good rest....

homestretch

As the Olympics draws to a close so does my battle to finish this poster in time.....I am just dying to take a break...my motivation to work is so gone. And yet, stunningly, I am putting absurd amounts of time into my work...I'm almost taking no breaks at all. I guess this is my reaction to pressure. To just fight to focus. This morning I felt myself start to panic and stymied it by eating the balance of a box of Goldfish. Probably not the best move, but it worked and my blood sugars appear not to have suffered.....

Right now I have just given up on focusing, the Women's Free Skate is on. I'm amazed at how much less beautiful it is than ice dance. Ice dance used to bore me but the sport has been revamped and it was INCREDIBLE this year. I missed the pairs skating and I wish I hadn't. I would have really liked to see if they were comparable.

Anyway, back to couching.

needs attention, won't travel

So I've been working really hard the last few days to get work done on my conference poster, and that means I certainly haven't been enjoying so-called "reading week"...tonight I had a super hard time keeping going. I mean I worked REALLY long today....6 hours at school and then 3 hours at home...

But my goal was to get some analysis done....I finished the data processing I could do, but I want to talk to supervisor2 tommorrow and have some well thought out graphs and results to discuss....and I just can't seem to do any...I guess I should just hit the hay....

What I really want is for Timbuctoo to come online and chat for a while.

Heart of a champion

Watching the Olympics is so addictive. I love them, but I never remember until I actually turn the tv on, which always seems to be sometime after they are half over.

Anyway, one thing the Olympics make me think about is dedication to a goal. At first I was thinking, "gee, I really am a little low on the dedication. Why don' tI do better?" But upon further reflection I can't help but think that I must be doing not too badly. I mean, I'm a grdauate student and not only that, I got federal funding this year, which relatively speaking is not incredible since like six or seven of my classmates also go federal funding this year, but relatively speaking to other graduate students, pretty good.

And yet every day I feel lazy. I guess alot of it comes down to my lack of an excercise regime which God willing will change in the near future, but why do I find it so hard to just stand up and use my Dance, Dance game which I am so excited about but have not managed to use once since I got back from the holidays?

There are 16 and 17 year olds competing in the Olympics. When I was just fresh out of high school I felt like I had that drive. Maybe it's because I'm looking back or maybe it's because I'm so much busier now....I mean I feel just as busy but I'm busier because my time management skills are so much better...Or maybe I'm getting old and tired, I don't know.

But I can't shake that feeling of my time running out. And I think about my health and think about how much I love to eat healthy but then ruin it every dinner time....I hardly eat all day and then pig out at dinner....ridiculous. Anyway, maybe I need to be less hard on myself or focus on enjoying life more, but who knows. I just hope that some day I will be satisfied with my life....

competition

so excitingly, I've managed to get CBC on my television so I can watch the Olympics while I do my homework. Unfortunately, as per odd coincidence, ice dance was on when I turned it on...always with the ice dance.....it's ok, but not amazing....I'd rather watch pairs....but anyway, watching today reminded me that I have really changed.

I just don't do competition anymore. I mean, I used to love it, but I've been out so long that I just don't know how to feel about it. I mean, I started to lose my confidence in my athletic ability and then played less and less and now I just don't even know it anymore.

Anyway, watching the Canadians from Montreal today, the girl smashing into the ice, their medal hopes dashed, I wasn't sure how I felt. I always feel like I want our teams to do well, but I can hardly watch....

:(

I think I may have lost my coffee mug. I am sad.

sweet like candy to my soul

Bad sugars, surprisingly good day.

Timbuctoo is seems to be starting to realize how sad he'd be without me.

I had a great chat with my supervisor about books.

Future Shop is finally going to replace my computer.

sigh and sigh again

Well, the weekend is over. It seemed to last forever...and pass too fast at the same time. Yet again I drank too much and got not nearly enough work done. Funny to feel like I should and shouldn't work so hard at the same time.

All in all, I was very accomplished for this weekend. I bought my punching bag, I got a vaccuum. I figured out RSS. I worked on a study. I booked the flight to this year's conference. I helped Smiley buy a kick ass suit and coat for his interviews...But I didn't some really important things....like make lineups for my thesis study. This is a problem with me, I think. ...doing the right work. I'm great at doing work, but when it comes to something important I have a hard time doing it. Boo.

Not that this weekend was some kind of success. Friday night was horrible. Well, Saturday morning thinking about Friday was horrible. I don't even want to talk about it. Timbuctoo emailed me today to tell me what he had told his gf and his friend who was giving him heck for flirting with me. This self-loathing is a very uncomfortable feeling. But I emailed him and told him that I couldn't see him anymore at all because this "friend" thing just isn't gonna work....

I don't even know how I feel anymore. I'm so mortified at the thought of people knowing what has been going on, of his getting caught in a lie, of my reputation, of my lying to my friends...I can hardly stand to think about it. I just want to get my punching bag hung up so I can beat the crap out of it. And listen to Keane.

This is the last time
That I will say these words
I remember the first time
The first of many lies
Sweep it into the corner
Or hide it under the bed
Say these things they go away
But they never do
Something I wasn't sure of
But I was in the middle of
Something I forget now
But I've seen too little of

Oh God....

I should be shot.

No, seriously, I should be shot.

So......last night.....I just hope to God that the reason I haven't gotten an email from Timbuctoo today is NOT because he is fighting with his gf but because he's massively hungover and still in bed. I HOPE.

So, I knew he was gonna be out last night. He told me he was. And so I saw him. And didn't really talk to him until after his gf left. And then I convinced his friend to come to where we were going. And they did. And then we went with them to the bar they went to after that, where their colleagues were.

And dear God, we weren't very subtle. And honestly, I think I was scheming to bring him home before I even got to the first pub. Sad. What is wrong with me?

Anyway, I'm going to stop seeing him at all. And if I can't leave, I'm not drinking. ....but it may be too late.

Am I?

So the other day I asked roomie what had happened with this guy she had been seeing just before we moved out. She had been so excited about him but he was going to go work on the Green Party campaign so she didn't know what was gonna happen.

I asked her the other day and she said they had spoken on and off while he was gone, he'd come in to town for a day and they'd had a great time. And then he disappeared and she hadn't heard from him in like two months. So I asked her what was gonna happen when/if he came back. She said, "absolutely nothing. That's just ridiculous. Enough is a enough."

And it really made me wonder. She's right you know. A girl shouldn't put up with being neglected. But I can't help but wonder, what will REALLY happen if he comes back and gives her an excuse? And more importantly, is it just ME who is willingly to believe that people can feel one way and not do anything about it?

I mean I know that I should dump Timbuctoo right out of my life, on principle. But that said, I feel like there is something too good between us to just walk away from. And truly, I can't quite do it, physically. I just gravitate too him. And while I would like to say, "either ditch the girl or we're through", that doesn't seem fair since we've been trying to be happening in the first place.

But does the fact that I accept his excuses or his reasons mean that my self-esteem is just not high enough to walk away or that I have real reason for giving this a chance to play out?

what am I doing?

It can't be helped. Timbuctoo and I can talk until we turn blue but at the end of the day it's me and it's him staring at each other and wishing the moment didn't have to end. And at that time he is leaving me for her. And I finally (or pathetically) had the balls to say so today. I mean to say, "listen, at the end of day you are choosing me over her, and I know that."

I desperately want to email him right now and tell him to disregard what I said just be fore he left, that I am not pathetic, that I know I that I have no right to hope or expect him to choose me over her and that even though I told him why there are reasons that I would be a bad mate, that I there are lots of reasons why I would be a great mate too. Maybe I will email him...I don't know. On the one hand, that might just make me seem much more pathetic. As it stands when I told him I had a "list" of reasons I wouldn't be a great mate, he was aghast and said "self-esteem, Camel, geez". I mean I didn't mean it that way...I really did just feel that I wanted him to know these things about me so that he would be informed, which I know is important to him. But I feel sorta like I sounded pathetic. I'm sure I did. I don't believe I don't deserve to be happy or anything, I just want to be honest with him...

Sigh. At least I know that we feel the same way when we see each other....wanting to be near each other and feeling a sense of urgency about seeing each other. Sigh.

last night

I almost lost my mind yesterday. Every now and then anxiety builds up and it is terrifying how absolutely incapable of motion one human being can become. I walked into Smiley's office yesterday and pretty much just sat their, incapabale of decisions or action. It was awful.

I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have an anxiety disorder. I mean I'm under a lot of stress, and I get anxious about failure, etc., but what would it be like to be debilitated by anxiety on a regular basis. Any anxiety itself is such an unpleasant state that it's unbearable. I find myself seeking desperately my closest friends to simply be around me to reassure me that I will survive. Imagine being anxious and alone!

I'm so lucky to have Smiley, best friend, Q, K1 and K2. ....all my friends online....I sincerely hope that I'm there for them as much as they are for me....

Today

All in all, a good day. I got a really good comment on my discussion paper from last week and that made me feel good. I don't feel very sick any more which is also good. It's funny how much more enabled I am to catch up on work when I don't feel like the world is crushing me.

It's almost like I have a sense of balance today. Not satisfaction, but there is good and there is bad....not enough to make me giddy and distracted or to make me stressed and distracted.

We'll see how this plays out.

another day

You know, lots of things didn't go right today. I ate too much, my blood sugars were high (I think NOT having junk food in the HOUSE is key to eating right). But I also caught up on paying bills and managing my debt, and worked on a program I'd dropped by the way side...and finally fixed it!! And read two papers for class tommorrow.

And on top of all that I helped MoviesM with her data preparation and had a great talk with Timbuctoo. Really good. I was really disappointed we had to cancel our plans to "talk" this week and it was really nice to just say a few things anway (msn). We have both started dancing around the issues and today we sorta stopped that. And it felt really good.

And I know it's probably me just on a high from talking to him, but I really left the conversation feeling like I wasn't the only one going crazy about this.

The moral of the story is that tommorrow is another day and I'm gonna try again to be better. And that's that.

define me

I was a good girl today and stayed home from work and school because I was sick. It was glorious because I was in desperate need of rest.

But as I felt a little better as the day passed into evening, something started to niggle at me. Often when I spend the whole day at home I end up eating a ton of junk food and watching a lot of tv or just generally being unproductive. Not really relaxing, more like vegetating. So in the end I feel neither rested nor productive.

I think what it comes down to is a definition of my self. Psychologists frequently talk about the ideal versus the real self. And it strikes me that how I imagine spending a day at home differs from how I tend to spend it.

I tend to see myself (when I'm not sick, of course) waking early, showering, and reading over a breakfast of coffee and toast. Next I would make my bed and then take my coffee to my desk where I start working. Some time around noon I would take a lunch break and eat and read in my comfy chair...and then go back to work. Mid-afternoon I see myself needing a break and pulling out my Dance, Dance Revolution game for 15 minutes or doing some yoga, followed by a few more hours of work. The evening would consist of meal time and a movie as well as a few minutes at my punching bag...in a perfect world there would be a boy to cuddle with during the movie, but I'm not so delusional about that. I would end the day with a bit of work, and then chatting on the phone. And climb into bed feeling productive and fulfilled.

Sadly, this is just not how it goes. I can usually make it to mid-afternoon...but if I can't, I don't pull out Dance, Dance early, I spend the morning fighting not to nod off and then feeling annoyed with myself when I give up and take a nap. I don't get any excercise, let alone enough and though I look great now, I'm gonna turn 30 someday and it's all gonna go to crap...I've really got to get into habit before that. I usually go to bed annoyed about all the time I've wasted or frustrated that I didn't meet my goals.

There's a few things going on here. First, I set my goals too high. Second, I need to buy that punching bag and that yoga book, third, I need to build in ways to break out of that nodding off mode, and fourth, I need to buy healthier snacks.

Some days I feel so close to being the person I want to be, and other days I just think that this ideal person is just what I think I SHOULD be as I pretend that what I really want is NOT a boyfriend to come home to.

I have it pretty darn good and it's really about time I started a healthy lifestyle plan...not just food and excercise-wise but mentally. I need to stop fantasizing about things that are unlikely to happen and just shut the door on things that shouldn't. Living in the real world is less fun but who knows, I might like it.