define me
I was a good girl today and stayed home from work and school because I was sick. It was glorious because I was in desperate need of rest.
But as I felt a little better as the day passed into evening, something started to niggle at me. Often when I spend the whole day at home I end up eating a ton of junk food and watching a lot of tv or just generally being unproductive. Not really relaxing, more like vegetating. So in the end I feel neither rested nor productive.
I think what it comes down to is a definition of my self. Psychologists frequently talk about the ideal versus the real self. And it strikes me that how I imagine spending a day at home differs from how I tend to spend it.
I tend to see myself (when I'm not sick, of course) waking early, showering, and reading over a breakfast of coffee and toast. Next I would make my bed and then take my coffee to my desk where I start working. Some time around noon I would take a lunch break and eat and read in my comfy chair...and then go back to work. Mid-afternoon I see myself needing a break and pulling out my Dance, Dance Revolution game for 15 minutes or doing some yoga, followed by a few more hours of work. The evening would consist of meal time and a movie as well as a few minutes at my punching bag...in a perfect world there would be a boy to cuddle with during the movie, but I'm not so delusional about that. I would end the day with a bit of work, and then chatting on the phone. And climb into bed feeling productive and fulfilled.
Sadly, this is just not how it goes. I can usually make it to mid-afternoon...but if I can't, I don't pull out Dance, Dance early, I spend the morning fighting not to nod off and then feeling annoyed with myself when I give up and take a nap. I don't get any excercise, let alone enough and though I look great now, I'm gonna turn 30 someday and it's all gonna go to crap...I've really got to get into habit before that. I usually go to bed annoyed about all the time I've wasted or frustrated that I didn't meet my goals.
There's a few things going on here. First, I set my goals too high. Second, I need to buy that punching bag and that yoga book, third, I need to build in ways to break out of that nodding off mode, and fourth, I need to buy healthier snacks.
Some days I feel so close to being the person I want to be, and other days I just think that this ideal person is just what I think I SHOULD be as I pretend that what I really want is NOT a boyfriend to come home to.
I have it pretty darn good and it's really about time I started a healthy lifestyle plan...not just food and excercise-wise but mentally. I need to stop fantasizing about things that are unlikely to happen and just shut the door on things that shouldn't. Living in the real world is less fun but who knows, I might like it.
But as I felt a little better as the day passed into evening, something started to niggle at me. Often when I spend the whole day at home I end up eating a ton of junk food and watching a lot of tv or just generally being unproductive. Not really relaxing, more like vegetating. So in the end I feel neither rested nor productive.
I think what it comes down to is a definition of my self. Psychologists frequently talk about the ideal versus the real self. And it strikes me that how I imagine spending a day at home differs from how I tend to spend it.
I tend to see myself (when I'm not sick, of course) waking early, showering, and reading over a breakfast of coffee and toast. Next I would make my bed and then take my coffee to my desk where I start working. Some time around noon I would take a lunch break and eat and read in my comfy chair...and then go back to work. Mid-afternoon I see myself needing a break and pulling out my Dance, Dance Revolution game for 15 minutes or doing some yoga, followed by a few more hours of work. The evening would consist of meal time and a movie as well as a few minutes at my punching bag...in a perfect world there would be a boy to cuddle with during the movie, but I'm not so delusional about that. I would end the day with a bit of work, and then chatting on the phone. And climb into bed feeling productive and fulfilled.
Sadly, this is just not how it goes. I can usually make it to mid-afternoon...but if I can't, I don't pull out Dance, Dance early, I spend the morning fighting not to nod off and then feeling annoyed with myself when I give up and take a nap. I don't get any excercise, let alone enough and though I look great now, I'm gonna turn 30 someday and it's all gonna go to crap...I've really got to get into habit before that. I usually go to bed annoyed about all the time I've wasted or frustrated that I didn't meet my goals.
There's a few things going on here. First, I set my goals too high. Second, I need to buy that punching bag and that yoga book, third, I need to build in ways to break out of that nodding off mode, and fourth, I need to buy healthier snacks.
Some days I feel so close to being the person I want to be, and other days I just think that this ideal person is just what I think I SHOULD be as I pretend that what I really want is NOT a boyfriend to come home to.
I have it pretty darn good and it's really about time I started a healthy lifestyle plan...not just food and excercise-wise but mentally. I need to stop fantasizing about things that are unlikely to happen and just shut the door on things that shouldn't. Living in the real world is less fun but who knows, I might like it.
posted by Camel at 12:11 a.m.
2 Comments:
I'm in as long as there's surfing. :)
May I please join you on your journey to the Carribean? I am right there with you, girl. Who I want to be is far from who I pretend to be and even farther from who I think I should be. What a confusing mess it all is.
Let's just BE!!!
Sending love!
-TD
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