what am I doing?

It can't be helped. Timbuctoo and I can talk until we turn blue but at the end of the day it's me and it's him staring at each other and wishing the moment didn't have to end. And at that time he is leaving me for her. And I finally (or pathetically) had the balls to say so today. I mean to say, "listen, at the end of day you are choosing me over her, and I know that."

I desperately want to email him right now and tell him to disregard what I said just be fore he left, that I am not pathetic, that I know I that I have no right to hope or expect him to choose me over her and that even though I told him why there are reasons that I would be a bad mate, that I there are lots of reasons why I would be a great mate too. Maybe I will email him...I don't know. On the one hand, that might just make me seem much more pathetic. As it stands when I told him I had a "list" of reasons I wouldn't be a great mate, he was aghast and said "self-esteem, Camel, geez". I mean I didn't mean it that way...I really did just feel that I wanted him to know these things about me so that he would be informed, which I know is important to him. But I feel sorta like I sounded pathetic. I'm sure I did. I don't believe I don't deserve to be happy or anything, I just want to be honest with him...

Sigh. At least I know that we feel the same way when we see each other....wanting to be near each other and feeling a sense of urgency about seeing each other. Sigh.