day by day

Today wasn't a great day. In fact it started pretty bad as I didn't drag myself out of bed until 11:30am. Disgraceful. But it ended nicely....me and BlondNS rented a movie and watched the Habs game. Good times...except the Habs lost. Boo.

Supervisor2 and I chatted today. He is such a fantastic human being. Really, I can't say it enough. We were talking and he's still trying to cheer me up about this stupid SSHRC business. Which is sweet and much appreciated. And he asked me how money was and I sort of shyly told him. He's really good about probing just enough to make me feel comfortable telling him...like he wants to know and I'm not just complaining. Anyway, I desperately feel guilty about him giving me money, even if I do need it ....cuz of course I could spend less on a lot of things....but he asked how much money I'd have for the summer, and said "that's not enough. I'll see what I can do." It's not even that he will help me out...it's that he takes the time to care about whether I need to be helped out. I guess that its been a long time since I had a mentor....and I just feel like I'm going to burst with appreciation.

On the other hand last night was quite the night. Timbuctoo invited me and my posse to watch hockey with him and his posse at the pub. And we had a rocking good time....and yes, Timbuctoo and I did go home together...sigh. But I'm finding it hard to feel bad right now. I mean we've talked extensively about this and he says things like "I hate that I have to leave you" and "I know we shouldn't but we obviously have to accept that we do"....none of those things make any of this ok, but the truth is I feel loved. And that is a nice feeling.

too much

there is too much stress right now.

word of the day

implacable: incapable of being pacified.

i had a feeling

You know, I'm a big girl. And I can take disappointment. But I really don't think its necessary to seek me out and force it on me. As it was today.

So we're way overdue hearing about funding....we should have heard weeks ago. And I know some people had gotten rejection letters....but still....when I heard that the department had gotten the list, I knew that I would have my letter in two days and woudl rather not hear it from someone else.

Unfortunately, our kindly graduate secretary called me into the office today and didn't even tell me but more like thought i knew already or something. I don't even reall remember the conversation but she called to me from the hallway and obviously wasn't hearing me when I said "I don't want to know" becasue she proceeded to try to comfort me or something of the sort.

To which I could only dumbly say "so I didn't get it then"...I know she was trying to be kind but I've been telling people left right and center that I'd rather wait and get my letter than hear about it and she totally deprived me of being able to feel sad by myself. I can't help but resent her for not respecting my wishes even if she didn't know them.

I mean I can understand giving good news early but is there really any reason to call someone in to give them bad news? Thanks. Thanks for ruining my concentration for the day. I would have had one, maybe two more days before I had to feel bad. And I coulda got a lot of work done. Now....now I have no motivation. I feel nothing but frustration and sadness.

It's really hard to even accept that it's true. I mean I poured my heart and soul into writing a good proposal and I don't give a rat's ass whether people say it's a "crapshoot" or not. If the work and record are good enough then you get an award. And that's how I feel. Like I didn't work hard enough. Or rather, well enough.

Second only to the ripping heartache of knowing that I'll be even poorer next year than this year is the fact that I'll have to go through the excruciating process of writing another proposal. Nothing sucks the life out of you like that. And to make matters all the worse, I haven't done ANYTHING of note this year so I feel like the likelihood of getting an award is less good than it was this year. Great. I feel great.

And considering how much work I put in. How LITTLE time I spend doing anything fun, I feel totally robbed. I worked so hard this year and next year is going to be worse. I feel like I deserved to get a grant....like I worked so hard this year and that next year would be easier because i'd finally have time to research without all the other pressures of doing a full taship and working in the summer and writing grant proposals.....that's the worst of it. I will be more broke and busier.

And almost as bad is the fact that i'm complaining. How many people don't have grants? How many people don't have supervisors who just give them money? I feel like I should shut up. I mean I just don't get it. And I certianly do understand the fact that when you ahve to work because you don't have funding you have less time for research so you're less likely to be productive so you're less likely to get funding. that fact slaps me mighty hard.

I hate everything right now. I feel ashamed to even email my supervisors that I didn't get it. I know they wanted to hear when I heard but I just can't bring myself to do it. I hate this. I hate everything.

Not to mention having to tell people. And having to look at them feel bad for me. Or to feel smug. Everybody kept telling me to chillout cuz I would get one, and now I have to tell them they're wrong. God I can't stand it.

dear blog....

save me from myself. My motivation is lying somewhere underneath his clothes, my self respect hasn't been seen since I sat on that wooden step.

Every day the people I care something about wake up and walk around thier world and I float in and out of it....I watch myself watching them. And the rock in my belly just gets heavier. I don't care so much that I can't tell them. I just hate that he isn't with me enjoying them too.

And I spend minute after minute thinking about how I should be working and what I should be doing and still I watch my msn and my emal knowing I am getting nowhere.

So much to distract me. So little to live for. So much to live for.

torn

Well, falling off the wagon is just a habit now. So sad. But so happy to see certain boys. I had a fantastic Saturday, I really did. I had a great time with my friends and finished it by taking home you know who. Sigh. Is "love of my life" the wrong thing to say? Even if it's true? Sigh.

I wondered why he didn't come to ball practice Sunday but I finally managed to email him how I felt about the fact that Saturday night he asked me if I loved him (and I just couldn't bring myself to say yes....too scared). I mean I told him what I was scared about, anyway.

He emailed me back to say that he wants us to spend two weeks out of contact...so he can get his head straight because he feels like he's listening too much to his emotions. It terrifies me. I mean, I don't want him to keep doing this awful thing, but I also feel like if he comes to a decision without listening to his emotions then I haven't got a shot in hell.

A little Natalie Imbruglia to put my pain into words....

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn. torn.

There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothings right, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

mp3 woes

So a coupla days ago my beloved mp3 player went caput. Although in all honesty, I have to be thankful cuz it died a week before the one year warranty ended. Still...the search for a replacement has been painful. First, Future Shop no longer carries the Muvo TX FM 512MB . Then, I can ship it back to Creative but it will cost me shipping AND a $25 diagnostic fee. $25 for them to stick it in a computer and say, "yup, defective"...purlease!....and Future Shop only carries ONE with the same features as my Muvo:

• recording mic
• mp3 player
• fm radio
• usb key

The Camnex 512MB MP3 Player (CM300). It happens to be from a company in business roughly four months.....so I could go with a Sony which is reliable but lacks the recording mic or an RCA which has a recording mic but no usb key (ABSOLUTELY NOT) .....or go with this unknown...sigh.....opinions welcome!

On the plus side, Q's opinion on the matter matched mine. And since he's a master of this stuff, I felt ok about ordering the Camnex...which I did....but that's really not the final word. I just hope that if it arrives and its awful that I can still exchange for the Sony instead... And I got to talk to Q today, which is always great.

there's something

There's something I've always known in the back of my mind. Something I know but fight hard not to do. And its something Timbuctoo is very good at. I have always been the kind of person to know right away that I want to be with someone. And I fail to allow myself to make my decision about someone after I get to know them. Rather I make that judgment right away and then if it was wrong I would convince myself otherwise.

Timbuctoo has said a number of times that he wishes we could get to know each other. And I think sometimes I feel like we already know each other, but he doesn't think so, obviously. And I know that he's probably right. But it scares me that he might be right.

And I do want to get to know him better. I don't currently feel like I'm in competition with his gf. I feel like I'm waiting for him to make a decision. That I'm letting myself enjoy being happy because it happens so rarely that I'll take it when I can, even if I am filled with self-loathing for it. I struggle with the question of whether it is worth it all the time. I just don't know.

I've been fighting with myself over self-respect for years. And sometimes I feel this is not nearly as bad as many things I've done. And sometimes I believe it's worse. Sigh.

After his visit Monday I emailed him to say, among other things, that I had enjoyed the night....and he emailed me back saying he had to and that "at least we get to know each other more by hanging out---that's probably a good thing"...and I guess that just made me wonder whether despite his attraction to me, he regrets what has happened. That rather than being hesistant to break up with his gf because of his commitment to her, that he's hesistant to end things with me because he feels he owes me. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

what a great date

I'm sorry to say it, but it was. It was just what I was hoping/expecting.

It's horrible in some senses....both of us totally sober.

We had planned that he would come over to help me put up my new chinup bar!!!! which I got cuz I (sniff) had to return my punching bag....and to give me my new excercise routine. And I said I'd buy takeout dinner...and his gf was out of town so he didn't need to explain his whereabouts. Sigh. I was so nice. We're such horrible human beings.

He came over, hung the bar, we ordered dinner, watched a movie, snuggled on the couch, went to the bedroom.....worked out my new excercise routine later....it really was great. And I only semi-hate the comfortableness we have with each other. Sigh.

Anyway, I wish he coulda stayed the night. That was the only thing missing. But it was still great, and we're still horrible.

The fight with Mr. California

I just want to say something about this briefly, to remind myself that I don't usually snap without reason, that I usually am much more patient than most people.

Saturday I worked on Mr. California's registration form as I said I would....dreading it all day....but did as much as I could and realized I needed some info from Mr. California before it could be posted....so I emailed him.

And got a call from him Saturday during ball practice.....let's just jump to the ending. I hung up on him. Then he left a phone message...then I went home and emailed him all the files so he could do it himself...then had an msn fight. Then he left another phone messge.

Suffice to say that eventually he realized he was being an ass and tried to cover it. Idiot. The thing that pissed me off the most was when he six times said "you yelled at me like I was your boyfriend". Six times! I mean get over yourself.

Anyway, I've bitched on this one enuf that I don't feel like rehashing it....and I'm totally sick today but just a personal reminder: don't just do things cuz you're nice. Don't put up with shit.

the handle is slipping

This has been one hell of a week. Not only have I been getting up in the morning and feeling like I don't have anything to live for, but today nearly everything went wrong. Where to start....

Well, I guess part of this weird feeling is this Timbuctoo thing....and I think this feeling started when he made a comment about Arnette as being "so middle class"....and I realized (maybe again) that one of the things that draws me to Timbuctoo is that he and I are from the same mold: poverty to middle class. ...that small group of people who not only went beyond what is expected from someone in our SES but are successful by upper middle class standards too.

But this self loathing and fight with myself about Timbuctoo is making this feeling of him being a kindred spirit a frustration. That feeling of what I want and need being just beyond my reach. Anyway, maybe its partly that I'm spending too much time watching Angel, but I am really starting to relate to the character....feeling apart from everyone, not really having a purpose....how depressing.

Anyway, today was a really bad day for many reasons, but one reason is that I had a bad day and kept hoping to see Timbuctoo (he said he might be able to come by in that sort of "it'll be alright because I'll see him" kinda balancing way. Which I know is terrible because I can't become dependent on interacting with him (or anyone) for my "good feeling" about the world. Sigh.

Incidentally, one of the majorly bad/good things about this weekend was Friday night. I knew Timbuctoo woudl be at the pub and saw him briefly, but he left with the gf and I went to dinner with friends. But fate, I swear, keeps intervening. I jibed him before I left "going home so early" and he said "I might go to Pub M"....and my pals and I went to our Wednesday night haunt, about 13 of us as per plan but it was packed...so we brainstormed and ended up at Pub M which had a table all set for 13. It was creepy. Anyway, we sat down and I saw Timbuctoo's pal but no Timbuctoo...I said hi and hung with my pals. But then later went to hang with his pal again, let's call him Loosey...anyway, he had some cute friends with him so I dragged a single, flirty friend over and we drank with them. Eventually leaving for another pub with them. This friend of mine happened to be Junior's ex and also happened to start messing around with Loosey who is really the dirtiest guy ever....but she knew it and was fine with it so whatever...so we all head for this pub and sorta lose Loosey and the Golden Girl... so here I am with these two cop friends who are kinda amusing but also kinda jerks...and I'm starting to really worry about the Golden Girl when Timbuctoo appears out of the blue.

I almost literally jumped up and went to talk to him about the location of Loosey and Golden Girl and to express my shock at his presence...we headed to the bar for a drink and the next thing I know the two cops are leaving....they CLEARLY coudln't handle the competition. It was absurd.....especially since they hadn't even been hitting on me...well a little but the one got some other girls number and we were chatting about it so, really! Anyway, so suddenly it's just me and Timbuctoo. So we chat a little and FINALLY Loosey and Golden Girl show up. Ah relief! So sober Timbuctoo drives the two of them home and comes over for a while...and you know the rest of the story. It was so lovely to spend some time with him but so awful to be doing such an awful thing yet again.