torn

Well, falling off the wagon is just a habit now. So sad. But so happy to see certain boys. I had a fantastic Saturday, I really did. I had a great time with my friends and finished it by taking home you know who. Sigh. Is "love of my life" the wrong thing to say? Even if it's true? Sigh.

I wondered why he didn't come to ball practice Sunday but I finally managed to email him how I felt about the fact that Saturday night he asked me if I loved him (and I just couldn't bring myself to say yes....too scared). I mean I told him what I was scared about, anyway.

He emailed me back to say that he wants us to spend two weeks out of contact...so he can get his head straight because he feels like he's listening too much to his emotions. It terrifies me. I mean, I don't want him to keep doing this awful thing, but I also feel like if he comes to a decision without listening to his emotions then I haven't got a shot in hell.

A little Natalie Imbruglia to put my pain into words....

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn. torn.

There’s nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothings right, I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I’m ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You’re a little late, I’m already torn