Sunday, April 02, 2006

the handle is slipping

This has been one hell of a week. Not only have I been getting up in the morning and feeling like I don't have anything to live for, but today nearly everything went wrong. Where to start....

Well, I guess part of this weird feeling is this Timbuctoo thing....and I think this feeling started when he made a comment about Arnette as being "so middle class"....and I realized (maybe again) that one of the things that draws me to Timbuctoo is that he and I are from the same mold: poverty to middle class. ...that small group of people who not only went beyond what is expected from someone in our SES but are successful by upper middle class standards too.

But this self loathing and fight with myself about Timbuctoo is making this feeling of him being a kindred spirit a frustration. That feeling of what I want and need being just beyond my reach. Anyway, maybe its partly that I'm spending too much time watching Angel, but I am really starting to relate to the character....feeling apart from everyone, not really having a purpose....how depressing.

Anyway, today was a really bad day for many reasons, but one reason is that I had a bad day and kept hoping to see Timbuctoo (he said he might be able to come by in that sort of "it'll be alright because I'll see him" kinda balancing way. Which I know is terrible because I can't become dependent on interacting with him (or anyone) for my "good feeling" about the world. Sigh.

Incidentally, one of the majorly bad/good things about this weekend was Friday night. I knew Timbuctoo woudl be at the pub and saw him briefly, but he left with the gf and I went to dinner with friends. But fate, I swear, keeps intervening. I jibed him before I left "going home so early" and he said "I might go to Pub M"....and my pals and I went to our Wednesday night haunt, about 13 of us as per plan but it was packed...so we brainstormed and ended up at Pub M which had a table all set for 13. It was creepy. Anyway, we sat down and I saw Timbuctoo's pal but no Timbuctoo...I said hi and hung with my pals. But then later went to hang with his pal again, let's call him Loosey...anyway, he had some cute friends with him so I dragged a single, flirty friend over and we drank with them. Eventually leaving for another pub with them. This friend of mine happened to be Junior's ex and also happened to start messing around with Loosey who is really the dirtiest guy ever....but she knew it and was fine with it so whatever...so we all head for this pub and sorta lose Loosey and the Golden Girl... so here I am with these two cop friends who are kinda amusing but also kinda jerks...and I'm starting to really worry about the Golden Girl when Timbuctoo appears out of the blue.

I almost literally jumped up and went to talk to him about the location of Loosey and Golden Girl and to express my shock at his presence...we headed to the bar for a drink and the next thing I know the two cops are leaving....they CLEARLY coudln't handle the competition. It was absurd.....especially since they hadn't even been hitting on me...well a little but the one got some other girls number and we were chatting about it so, really! Anyway, so suddenly it's just me and Timbuctoo. So we chat a little and FINALLY Loosey and Golden Girl show up. Ah relief! So sober Timbuctoo drives the two of them home and comes over for a while...and you know the rest of the story. It was so lovely to spend some time with him but so awful to be doing such an awful thing yet again.

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