there's something
There's something I've always known in the back of my mind. Something I know but fight hard not to do. And its something Timbuctoo is very good at. I have always been the kind of person to know right away that I want to be with someone. And I fail to allow myself to make my decision about someone after I get to know them. Rather I make that judgment right away and then if it was wrong I would convince myself otherwise.
Timbuctoo has said a number of times that he wishes we could get to know each other. And I think sometimes I feel like we already know each other, but he doesn't think so, obviously. And I know that he's probably right. But it scares me that he might be right.
And I do want to get to know him better. I don't currently feel like I'm in competition with his gf. I feel like I'm waiting for him to make a decision. That I'm letting myself enjoy being happy because it happens so rarely that I'll take it when I can, even if I am filled with self-loathing for it. I struggle with the question of whether it is worth it all the time. I just don't know.
I've been fighting with myself over self-respect for years. And sometimes I feel this is not nearly as bad as many things I've done. And sometimes I believe it's worse. Sigh.
After his visit Monday I emailed him to say, among other things, that I had enjoyed the night....and he emailed me back saying he had to and that "at least we get to know each other more by hanging out---that's probably a good thing"...and I guess that just made me wonder whether despite his attraction to me, he regrets what has happened. That rather than being hesistant to break up with his gf because of his commitment to her, that he's hesistant to end things with me because he feels he owes me. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Timbuctoo has said a number of times that he wishes we could get to know each other. And I think sometimes I feel like we already know each other, but he doesn't think so, obviously. And I know that he's probably right. But it scares me that he might be right.
And I do want to get to know him better. I don't currently feel like I'm in competition with his gf. I feel like I'm waiting for him to make a decision. That I'm letting myself enjoy being happy because it happens so rarely that I'll take it when I can, even if I am filled with self-loathing for it. I struggle with the question of whether it is worth it all the time. I just don't know.
I've been fighting with myself over self-respect for years. And sometimes I feel this is not nearly as bad as many things I've done. And sometimes I believe it's worse. Sigh.
After his visit Monday I emailed him to say, among other things, that I had enjoyed the night....and he emailed me back saying he had to and that "at least we get to know each other more by hanging out---that's probably a good thing"...and I guess that just made me wonder whether despite his attraction to me, he regrets what has happened. That rather than being hesistant to break up with his gf because of his commitment to her, that he's hesistant to end things with me because he feels he owes me. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
posted by Camel at 8:41 p.m.
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