jack johnson says it

Ah boys, drive you mad. The Firefighter phoned today. And I missed it. So I called him back at a time when I couldn't talk for long. That was dumb. Anyway, I felt a little dumb, but I always do....suffice to say I let ended the conversation early cuz I was getting cold and felt I should get back to my friends, and then spent the rest of the night worrying about it...God. Get a grip. Anyway, new music:

Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing the fool?

-Stitting, Waiting, Wishing by Jack Johnson

addddddiiiiiccctive

So my high score on the awful kitten canon game is 1004 ft...i think I played it for like 15 minutes....wow...I usually can't do anything for 15 minutes...

also, this is cute...found wandering in traffic near Heart of a Phoenix:

:)

So today was sorta a crappy day. I spent it working on the readings for this 100% of my mark paper which has no deadline. And to be honest, it is such a frustrating feeling to do background reading....you're confused most of the time and feel like you'll never be able to understand anything.

But eventually, an outline appeared on my computer, hurray! And suddenly, a first page or a paper that may not totally suck. Hoorah!

On the other hand, three hours of background reading happened at the Hotel Dieu, because poor Smiley has shingles and was undermedicated for two days.

But, but, but.....I finally got to chat with Q today, and he does appear to still love me and it made my day to chat with him, even if it was only for like 10 minutes. It's like the whole day was great. He send me this link to a flash game....terrible but terribly fun...

i know, i know

admittedly, this blog is getting a little boring, what with all the moaning and complaining about the same thing day in and day out. But honestly, imagine living inside my head. You're the lucky one.

I just finished watching Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason so my wit is entirely provoked right. I feel like shouting all kinds of rebellious statements like: "I don't care about boys" and "Money isn't everything" but alas....I am NOT Bridget Jones. Though I certainly do worry like Bridget, I have to say I am NOT that socially awkward. Thank goodness.

At any rate, the point is, the same old things are driving me mad. And tommorrow will be a better day. And if not tommorrow, then the next day I will meet a worthy distraction.

Men Do make women messy. And my heart if not my home is far far too tidy right now.

hit by truck

I'm beat. seriously. I also have poor self-control. Not that that's anything new. But I FINALLY heard back from Bell about my phone (3 WEEKS later - original quote = 1)...and I get the distinct impression they aren't going to replace my phone....so there goes another $100 I don't have...which coincides nicely with the $20 I spent on movies I didn't need today. Really, I suck.

Also, I'm sick again. I can't wait until the end of May..I REALLY need this vacation.

I still suck

I still ate more jelly beans than necessary today. I still spent more money than I could have.

On the plus side, I'm functionally finished grading intro psych exams...according to my notes, I spent 8.5 hours on them today. My head hurts.

And I'm clearly getting sick...though only one nostril is stuffed up for some reason...

Today's revelation

All the vagaries of life are just a matter of perspective.

My pal, MisForMovie, has a little sister who relies on M for advice about her frequent crisises....her boyfriend says he loves her (they've been dating a month), she wants to do more than kiss him...things I have to say strike me as absurdly ridiculously benign.

But if catch myself at the right moment on a Thursday I realize that when I was 15 these things were of VITAL importance to me too. Just like my money anxieties and my musings over boys now. It's just perspsective.

And when it comes down to it, the only way to deal with these things is to exert your own will. If I make a choice and it doesn't work out, at least it was my choice. If I hang around and do nothing and it doesn't work out then I'm just an idiot.

I've decided this aptly applies to ALL my current anxieties:
1. money - stop saying "yes" when you're friends want to go for lunch or movies
2. boys - if you are busy with something else, say so
3. health - just remember that it is your longevity that you're sacrificing when you reach for that third handful of Jelly Belly's or that bag of popcorn
4. commitments - just say no

When I was little - grade three, in fact - I made some decisions. And they changed my life. But it seems like such a long time since I made a decision to change something and I did. It seems like every day I wake up and say "I'm not gonna bite my nails. I'm not gonna spend too much money. I'm not gonna eat too much" and I then I do. But I'm not giving up. Today's battle to win: control my blood sugars by not eating too much.

I feel....

really really miserable today.

I feel....

really really miserable today.

I feel....

really really miserable today.

Feeling testy

Maybe it's cuz I am sore from ball last night or because I lectured my mom last night and not only do I feel guilty about it but I don't think she even understood my point or because I am sick of being broke and worried or because maybe two people read this blog or because I am burned out from school or because I don't have a boy to crush on or because I am annoyed with my inability to keep my mouth shut.

Camel Review #2

Ok so I wanted to do book reviews so maybe I should do one now and then.

This one is on Ender's Game by Orson Scott Wells.

Awesome. I never really got off on all the fantasy book crap but I really like this book nonetheless...it is very Star Wars-ish in a good way. I enjoyed the character development, lots of foils and lot's of explorations into the heads of those involved....

Here's the story. In some future Earth, people are limited in how many children they have (max two) so if they have more the child is an outcast (called a "third") . The government seems to have a program whereby your kids are evaluated for their soldier-potential...anyway, Ender Wiggins is a third and is targeted by the military as Earth's only hope for ending/winning the war with "buggers". The book details Ender's experiences from the time he is taken from his family to military school until he battles the buggers. Commentary from those directing his education is interspersed throughout the book and makes it hard to hate the people making Ender's life hell. But it is hell.

Without giving away the ending, it is a spell-binding experience to follow Ender through school. His struggle with normal kid issues compounded by the obscene responsibility of commanding an army is really well constructed....it's interesting and pays special attention to how and why characters behave the way they do as well as keeping the characters realistic (they are kids).

It's a short novel, I read it in a few days. Couldn't put it down. I don't usually like sci-fi but this is really a novel you can get into...kinda reminded me of Dune.

a little bit of this a little bit of that

This song never fails to make me feel empowered..

Oh I learned early
Never to ignore the signs
You'll be forgiven
It ain't worth that much to my mind

Lovin' you (was) so easy
It's hard to say goodbye
But if it's the way it goes it goes

Misled by Celine Dion

Damn the man

Ya. guess who emailed me back...stupid boys, honestly...present company excluded of course.

So now I am just annoyed. The firefigher basically said that nothing is going on and offered no reason as to why he's been AWOL. Ok, so what? The message was clear: I still like you. But that was seriously it....

Also, had fun at a BBQ yesterday...stuck my foot in my mouth repeatedly.

And I bought a pink cactus...name: Benito....I know y'all are dying to see a picture...

Anyway, I'm currently busing eating too many Jelly Belly Beans to think much. I'm trying to read this massive book on attentin and it's killng me AND my fingernails...

I play an adult on this show

So I emailed the firefighter. Good for me. I feel resolved.

I also spent a gazillion dollars at COSCO today...well not quite...but I got four books and two cardigans. Which were very good deals and worth it...it's just that I am in particularly poor financial shape...and it sucks.

I checked out whether I was anywhere near paying off how much I should have paid off given K's contribution to my education and I am sorta....when I add my taxes....ish....so hell I'm just gonna be honest...

It's not like I'm spending extravagantly really. Definitely not.

feeling life

Things I thought but never said today:

1. my supervisor is great. But I am scared to meet with him to "discuss my financial situation" so we can "figure out how much funding he can give/get me" for the summer. My VISA bill does not appear to have gone down much at all. Though it will go down a reasonable amount when I apply my taxes....about as much as I would have expected given the money he so kindly provided me...so I guess I'm not so bad...I just am unsure whether I should just say what I owe including or not including my taxes....I feel dishonest saying what it is including my taxes...but if I don't include them then I feel like I've wasted the money he gave me.....arg!

2. I really like my roommate. I admire that she gave the Mekong staff an ENORMOUS tip despite the terrible service (they were understaffed due to something or other) because they were having a bad day. I also like that she doesn't get mad when I do rude things like cut her off to finish her sentences for her.

3. I hate that I feel guilty chatting with P, because roomie hates him. And cuz I don't care whether I do or not. I would WAY rather talk to the Firefighter.

4. I hate falling asleep in lectures but I can't help it...i just can't force myself to stay awake.

5. I feel bad that I got a TAship and roomie didn't

6. We went to roomie's cabin today to celebrate the end of stats. Which was great, but it made me miss Jesse alot. I want to email him but the last email I sent him was drunken and stupid.

Not that I'm complaining...

but what the hell is up with the firefighter....I mean really. It's not like I've done/said/not done/overdid anything. So why have I not got a reply email...i emailed him almost two weeks ago. And he hasn't been on msn (or I haven't seen him on msn) since the beginning of April. I can think of many explanations but none that really make any sense.

Conclusion: I should email him and say SOMETHING, anything. I just have been busy and haven't had the emotional energy to devote to it...but now, since my stats final was today, I do have the time-ish. So I'm gonna. Tommorrow. Hopefully while I am sober.

The sad thing is that I think I may be more disappointed that I don't have anyone to flirt with than I am that he is ignoring/avoiding/neglecting me.

stupid stats

So I worked like mad to prep for the stats final and still got destroyed on it. Damn it. The questins weren't a surprise either. Every question there was on my list of possible questions. I just didn't commit enough time to preparing responses. Darn it....spent too much time on understanding, not enough on memorizing...who'd a thunk.

baseball blues

And so it begins. Again.

With so much on my mind right now (boys, school, money), I can hardly afford the mental energy to try and comprehend the complexities of joinging a ball team. And yet, I am, I must.

I was nervous today, my first practice with the team, but I soon found that they were like all other teams. With their ringers and their newbies...all impressed by my play. Sigh. I am so torn between wanting to impress people and wanting them not to notice me.

The practice was so much like every other first practice that it was almost creepy. I started out by not playing anywhere high profile, but eventually moved into the infield. And then made a high profile play (a double play!) and then hit a home run at my next at bat. People don't soon forget you when you play like that.

I'm so torn. I mean I'm good but I'm not incredible. My skill stems from over a decade of experience. My GOD - OVER A DECADE. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with my self. But I love the game. I love the thrill. And even their ringers made errors...but then I should be happy...but instead I got a little bored. Started noticing things that should be changed...but I kept my tongue. Though I did give a little advice, unsolicited, to one person. I felt guilty...but I kept it low-key and I think she appreciated it...sigh...I hate being so self-conscious about it.

I guess I am gun shy after the profoundly negative end-experiences I have had with my last two teams...but is it me? I know the drill....spectacular play at the start of the season, while I am playing for the love of the game, but with my performance dropping and dropping when I start thinking and worrying and feeling doubt. Hell. What am I gonna do with me.

Ridiculous Fact #12

I have now twice startled my self by misjudging abandoned hair scrunchies to be dangerous objects (snakes, enormous caterpillars).

Living the stats life

Numbers...yuk. Today I realized that I TOTALLY misjudged how much money I would have this summer. Turns out that I probably WON'T be able to pay off my debt with my earnings over the summer. Dummy I am. The most frustrating thing is that I will probably have barely enough money if I pay off most of it. Darn Darn Darn. Maybe my supervisor will find some money for me. I hate being broke. I mean I'll be fine come September, and I have enough to live on, no problem. I just want to pay off this darn debt. Darn it. ARG. Well, at least I have a plan. At least I have a TAship for the summer. I really can't complain. Things have been coming up aces for me alot lately.

On the other hand, I still haven't started my memory paper...and I am becoming anxious.....I have started to read about attention. I have thought about what I want to write about...now I just need to do the background reading and write the lit review and I'll be fine....arg...the hardest part...I really SHOULD figure out when it's due...sigh.

In the meantime I have a final to study for and 447 exams to mark. At least they are only one page exams...but seriously, bleh.

Anyway, enough complaining. Life is good. I am understanding stats. I managed to make an appointment to discuss my questions with our prof. So it's good...things are good.

Oh ya, one more thing. I still haven't heard from the firefighter. I can't imagine why not. He's just not the kind of guy to just disappear...or at least I didn't think he was...I don't know. It sucks mostly cuz no one else is even close to as interesting as he is. Oh well. Moving on.

soon. soon.

only a few more weeks. I can make it. I can write this paper. I can ace this exam.

Ah Ani....

While I'm kinda cranky...

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you

i could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

....

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
who am i

-Untouchable Face by Ani DiFranco

Feeling a little angry at certain red-hatted men.

Ridiculous Fact #10

I have really and truly bonded with my roommate. She's great.

I hate social psychology

Seriously. I suck at TAing for this course cuz i know f#@k all about social psych. And it's killing me....I make the dumbest mistakes. I hate making mistakes...what a pain. Probably cog psych won't be any easier but at least I won't hate it....

I hate today. I keep biting my nails....my blood sugar was high this morning from all the beer at improv last night...I'm still thinking about the bartender....bloody hell. Who designed this brain anyway?

If I were sane

I'd not be so ridiculous....riiiiight.

I am clearly crazy. Stop reading this now.

I must be crazy III

I feel a little emotional today. Wow. Here's the rub:

1. I feel like Q doesn't like me anymore. Talking to him today I felt like I was just a bother in his life. I was so upset that I needed to take a walk and cry about it. I felt so sad that I wanted to fly home.

2. The bartender mentioned me. I am sure he has a girlfriend but I'm glad he enjoyed our interaction as much as I did.

3. I still want Jesse. I wish that I could erase all the stupid things I've done around/to/with Jesse. But I still want him in my life. Darn.

4. The Firefighter is.....I don't know.

I must be crazy II

&*(&)*&&**&((%$%$#$@@!! bloodsugars. I am losing my mind. Suppertime is the bain of my existence. %$#@#@$%$%^^!!

Had it with this game

You know, I keep saying that I am gonna email the firefighter and say something about the fact that he hasn't been online lately. But I just don't seem to be doing it. Am I just gonna let this fade out without saying anything? Is there anything TO say?

Last night I was out at the bar with my pals and I got bored with the music and how everyone was just sitting around. So I went to talk to the bartender who is Smiley's friend and was one of the few guys in the club that I thought was cute. And I realized something: I wouldn't mind messing around with him and that's it. I've really lost that "need a relationship" vibe. I just don't need it.

It felt even more weird when I was talking to a few other guys at the bar while the bartender worked. One had a girlfriend and one was clearly not interested in me. And I REALLY didn't care. I just wanted to talk to new people.

This is weird.

More music for him:

All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath

And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love

I must be crazy

So today I am going to return my mp3 player....it's hard but I'm gonna do it. I really like having it, but I finally figured out that the model I have doesn't have a radio....which explains the color difference...and that was one of the reasons it was a good deal. I still like it better than the iPod mini's tho. So I am gonna wait till I'm a little less broke and buy the 512MB one with the radio. It's comparable in price to a #GB iPod mini but I think it will be better for me. Or maybe I will order it today.....ag...i'm such a sucker for advertising. Me and my lack of self control.

Finally

So I finally had to give up on IE and download Firefox. So far so good. I actually like the layout better....less fluff. AND it will open links properly (like this text entry box)...my computer is driving me nuts....ok. Whatever.

Today and yesterday were stressful but good. I am finally finished my stats paper. Phew. But I am feeling extremely guilty about it. I do this every year: I work really hard to understand things and get the big picture and then when it comes time to study for exams or do major assignments I just can't commit. I suck. I mean the paper is ok, but it could be sooo much better. And so I don't think my mark is going to reflect my level of understanding of multivariate statistics. I really do suck. What is it about evaluation that creates so much anxiety that one just can't focus? I mean really...well, I guess I can't COMPLETELY blame the anxiety...I AM kind of a perfectionist.

Speaking of being a perfectionist, the Webmaster job application deadline was today. I made it. Barely. And man was I stressed over it. I mean I wanted to do something to showcase all my Web, design and programming skills, but of course I really didn't have enuf time so I ended up spending more time on some things than others...with the result that the portfolio Web site LOOKS nice, but the showcasing of my work is a bit lame... I basically put a little screen shot of the project, a blurb underneath and then icons to indicate what I used to develop the project. It's a pretty good idea, but the screen shots are a bit small and I didn't have time to make them links to full size items...and the blurbs I kind of dashed off....which is lame. Polish is so important. On the other hand, Smiley was like "Relax, you don't even need this job"...which is true...sigh...I get WAY too caught up in doing a good job of things. Actually, I just get anxious about people associating me and my work. I mean I want me to look good so I want my work to look good. And if I'm not confident about my work, how can I be confident about me?

Anyway, the other news is that I won another scholarship. I can't keep it cuz I got a SSHRC, but I do get to put it on my CV where it will look very pretty.

lame, lame, lame

So if I were to say anything today I would just be complaining. So I'm not going to say anything. ...Except for two things:

1. I got a Teaching Assistantship for the summer. Hurray!
2. Smiley and I are continuing to work our way through the third season of "24". I am shocked to say that they executed Ryan Chapelle because a terrorist threatened to release a chemical weapon if they didn't...seriously didn't think it would happen. Shocked. Did I mention shocked? Whoever writes this stuff is really worth his paycheck.

about that pope

You know, Pope John Paul II has been alive and kicking my whole life. And very saliently so. It's not like I had this majorly catholic upbringing, but my grandmother was pretty religious and I spent a ton of time with her. She went to see the Pope once and he was always a really important figure to her. His death is another one of the those surrealistic experiences I can't quite explain. You know it happened but you are not sure if there is something you should be doing about it.

I think I felt the same way when Mother Teresa and Princess Diana died. Strange. Flashbulb-ish. Smiley commemorated it by drawing horns and what-not on the full-page picture of his holiness in the newspaper at breakfast yesterday.

The funny thing is that it crossed my mind that perhaps the reason there was a huge spread was cuz he died, but then I figured I'd have heard about it..it wasn't until like 10pm that I heard about it....weird...I always miss things like that. Anyway, I wonder who's taking over.

someday I'll stop talking about this

But today is not that day.

The spring formal tonight was AWESOME. Reasonable food and a GREAT dance. I am finding it really odd how little I care to go around and look for potential mates. This is nothing new, it started a year or two ago. But I never used to have fun with my friends...I used to have fun meeting guys...but now, I don't make any effort...unless they are within my ingroup in some way.

Anyway, it's driving me nuts that everytime the Firefighter finally comes online, I'm just leaving. Darn it...I feel like if I were able to stay online for more than ten minutes he would want to talk about how we can't keep up this "relationship" anymore and that we have to be friends cuz he's seeing someone, or something like that. It's absurd. I mean, whatever, either way, right? But it's making my talk with him weird...cuz I am overthinking everything. Ugh. Oh well.

On another boy note, the genetics major is breaking up with his girlfriend cuz he's moving to Montreal...this is noteworthy, but I'm too tired to get into it...not that anyone cares, anyway...but hey, I care.

new toy [looking sheepish]

So I bought a new toy....I don't NEED it. But it was a great deal and not anywhere near as expensive as it could have been......

Creative MuVo TX FM 256MB mp3 Player

I have 30 days to return it if I decide that it isn't good enough, cuz I bought it without checking reviews and stuff. So speak up if you know anything! But so far, I've heard pretty good things....it just isn't really big enough....but I think it will do for a while...

Can I be liker her some day?

So, guess who emailed today. That's right: the Firefigher. Sigh. That boy. Anyway, onto more interesting topics.

Today I had dinner with roomie and her mom and sister. It was super sweet of roomie to invite me. And I really really appreciate how outward she is about how happy she is that we are roommates. It really feels nice to be wanted.

Dinner was really nice too. I am so envious of how well off roomie's family is...I mean her mom took us for a really expensive dinner with apps, drinks, desert, the whole nine yards...plus she is taking roomie and her sister out for each meal why she is in town (the whole weekend). It's kind of a weird feeling not to be jealous. I really like roomie and her mom and sister. So I don't feel, I don't know, bad.

I really admire roomie's mom actually. I really really hope that I am just like her when I am her age. She is educated, well-dressed, well-off, confident, funny, fun, smart, generous....I think she's great. She's got a family that she loves to visit. I know it's not all roses for her, but she really seems to have a good handle on life.